bran42 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Hello everyone, this is my first post on here so any insight would be very helpful. My current romance life is a bit or a whirlwind but I hope someone can help with this small bit of it. Well, I am currently in my third year of college now. I live away from home and I am in a relationship with my girlfriend who is also in college but goes to a different school. We got together a bit before high school ended and been in a long distance relationship since then. Now, I can't for certain say its because of the long distance because we have nice visiting schedules, but I do know that I have been losing interest in the relationship and we have been working to get it back but it has been a bit of a struggle. And to make matters worse, I feel like I have been gaining strong interest in another girl and I cannot seem to balance my feelings. The problem is I consider myself as a very logical person. I am losing interest in my current relationship but I feel like it would just be crazy to break up. We have been together for a little over three years; she is an awesome girl and she cares alot about me and puts up with my weirdness and my family loves her. But I just kinda space out many times when we are together now. As for my other friend, I greatly enjoy when we hang out and I'm starting to feel like I think about her constantly. I don't want to feel like I am just kinda settling for my current girlfriend, but it just seems weird for me to break off a long somewhat nice relationship just for the possibility of another that may not work out. But at the same time, I feel so bad that my thoughts are constantly being consumed by a girl who is not my girlfriend I'm not even sure if there's a specific question I want to ask, but maybe if anyone has some advice that could give me some guidance or a different perspective that I should think about that would be greatly appreciated!
Divasu Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Sounds like you're no longer in love/falling out of love with your girlfriend. You should talk to her about it and see if you're both able to correct the drift that has occurred.
Leigh 87 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Sounds like you're no longer in love/falling out of love with your girlfriend. You should talk to her about it and see if you're both able to correct the drift that has occurred. Wrong. You can't fall back in love. Talking about how to "fix" the fact he's no longer in love with her is an utterly pointless exercise.
Author bran42 Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Yeah that is kind of the feeling I'm getting. We have talked about it before because at one point she was also losing a bit of interest, but since then it seems that her interesting has steadily become stronger while I have remained on the fence. The thought of giving up a good girl and then being alone for the remainder of my college life is pretty frightening.
Divasu Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Wrong. You can't fall back in love. Talking about how to "fix" the fact he's no longer in love with her is an utterly pointless exercise. If you say so.
Leigh 87 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Yeah that is kind of the feeling I'm getting. We have talked about it before because at one point she was also losing a bit of interest, but since then it seems that her interesting has steadily become stronger while I have remained on the fence. The thought of giving up a good girl and then being alone for the remainder of my college life is pretty frightening. I get that it's nice having her around. However, do you want a relationship where you're head over heals in love about a girl, or would you rather settle for a girl you're not all that crazy about, because it's a " nice" relationship. Look, some people don't buy into the idea of Hollywood fairy tales. They don't think you meet people you're crazy about. Real Life ain't like that, according to many people. You are supposed to meet a really decent partner who you like a lot, and grow to love over time. Who you build a life with. I dare to change the notion that you can't find a partner who you can't get off your mind. I think you're at a cross road. You are wondering if you want to find a partner who you can't get off you mind, and still think about often even once the honeymoon period ends. Or, do you want a partner; instead lf waiting for a lover you're actually passionate about. I've seen my good friend find a guy where they were both passionate about each other and had crazy chemistry as well as being best friends. I'm personally going to hold out for what she has. You're welcome to join me. Or, you can stay safe and secure in your comfortable but pleasant relationship. If you opt to stay, can you see yourself refraining from ever wondering what it would be like to be passionate about your partner?
Leigh 87 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 If you say so. The guys I know that are crazy in love? They don't fall for others. They have regular problem in the relationship that all couples face; yet NO man I know, who falls head over heals in love with a girl, " loses" the love, only to get it back. It never happens. There's nothing one can do to make themselves fall in love . If you're not, you're not. Madly in love men don't have this problem. Grow apart from their partner, yes. Falling out of love when you both fell hard for each other? Rare. Mostly, people grow apart and work on it. That's entirely a different thing to forcing yourself to fall back in love.
youaremysunshine Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 But where is the line between "growing apart" and irrevocably out of love? I'm just curious...
Divasu Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 The guys I know that are crazy in love? They don't fall for others. They have regular problem in the relationship that all couples face; yet NO man I know, who falls head over heals in love with a girl, " loses" the love, only to get it back. It never happens. There's nothing one can do to make themselves fall in love . If you're not, you're not. Madly in love men don't have this problem. Grow apart from their partner, yes. Falling out of love when you both fell hard for each other? Rare. Mostly, people grow apart and work on it. That's entirely a different thing to forcing yourself to fall back in love. Well do you believe being "madly" in love is something that sustains itself NATURALLY on it's own over time? Taking into account, when you fall in love with someone, the brain releases chemicals that make people fall in love? Couples who have been together, 10, 20, 30+ years, surely they must have felt a decline in those "highs" at some point. Of course you have the rare couple who have been together for 50 years and are still madly in love. In that case, sure, it can exist. I just think to suggest that when someone feels they have "fallen out of love", he/she should just accept it and move on, and that's it's completely irreversible is nonsense. Unless of course, there are other factors at play (cheating, abuse, deep resentment, etc.). I do not believe that every single couple out there who have experienced a similar crossroad, were unsuccessful in turning things around. Of course most haven't, but some have. Logic tells me, those "in love" chemicals have died down for the OP, and, a drift has occurred. Naturally, it is going to be refueled by someone OUTSIDE of the relationship. So, my suggestion was to see if it can be corrected. It may very well be something that is not fixable at this point. OP has to figure that out for himself. Taking into account that he's in his early twenties and is probably still trying to figure out who he is and what direction he wants his life to go (OP please chime in at any point ).
veggirl Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 So you're what, 20 years old and in a 3 yr relationship? You have GIGS. It's normal. You are too young to be in this serious relationship. You aren't ready for it. Don't feel bad, like I said it's totally normal. I wouldn't be surprised if your GF actually feels similarly to you. Can you imagine being 50 and still with this girl, having NEVER actually dated as an adult?
Author bran42 Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Thank you everyone for your replies! Divasu, I think you may have hit the nail on the head with that one. Surely there is no cheating, abuse, etc problems taking place it does just feel like a rift growing. While I do find her to be an amazing person and awesome friend, it does seem like the missing pieces are being refueled by someone else. I do feel bad about it and want to work thinks out with her, it just seems like a process that have to really put effort into and see where it takes us. I do understand the crossroad Leigh mentions. I am not sure if I am at that specific point yet, I can relate to that struggle a bit. Also, thank you Veggirl for your advice. That's along the same lines of what our parents thought when we told them we would keep our relationship going through college. I always felt that I was a long term person and could never see myself being with someone if there wasn't just the slightest chance things would work out for a long time. But, I am 20 and serious relationships this early in life are a bit more of a challenge. I truly understand that, I just find it hard to incorporate that mindset. I should at least keep some of that thought in mind....
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