8888 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Hi All, I'm seeking advice on the following scenario: I saw a girl's profile on an online dating site and was quite charmed by her words and her beauty. I sent her a message and was delighted that she responded enthusiastically and that we had such a good rapport right from the start. We messaged back and forth for about 10 days and met in person the next day. I've met a number of women through dating sites but I never quite felt this kind of hopefulness and excitement. Although it was a bit awkward in the first one or two minutes of our first meeting, we really got along well and there was some flirting going on. We share many of the same interests in sports and intellectual topics. After that date I called her for a second and was so nervous and although she agreed to go out, I was really upset at how awkward the phone call was. Anyway, we met for a second time a few days later and again the initial two minutes or so were quite awkward because I was so nervous but thereafter we got along really well, laughed a lot. Our second date ended with a very romantic long walk back to her place where we talked about so many things. She commented more than once on how perfect the evening weather was as we strolled through quiet parks and streets. I was confident that there would be many more dates between us because of how well we got along. So I was surprised when a few days later after leaving a message on her voicemail, she texted me back asking for my email address. The next day she emailed me saying that she was feeling that we didn't have quite the right chemistry although she was happy to keep in touch. I emailed her back agreeing that the chemistry wasn't quite right but I said this mainly because of the initial awkwardness at the beginning of both our dates and because I thought that if we kept in touch as friends we'd have a chance to continue to get to know each other and the chemistry would improve. It's been three weeks since that exchange and I've been out with and interacted with other girls but I can't stop thinking about her not as a friend but as someone with whom I'd make a great match. Somehow no one else I've seen since seems to compare to her and although I've effectively "moved on" in terms of dating, my mind still goes to her at the end of the day. Also I can't figure out why she opened up the email as an avenue of communication if all she wanted to do was end it. She could have done that using the dating site where we met. My question is: should I call her and tell her that I'm still thinking about her and that I'd like to give us another try, or should I just continue dating other girls and wait for the memories to fade. She didn't say there was no chemistry between us, just that the chemistry was not quite right. Maybe things could be different after a third date some weeks later. Your thoughts are appreciated.
Kate9292 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I think you should date other girls. You could try to keep contact with her, but don't expect anything romantic to happen.
Author 8888 Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Interesting, two different viewpoints here. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I'm very tempted to just make it plain to her how I feel. Then I'll feel I've done everything that's under my control. The rest I'm happy to leave to fate.
Delilah1623 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 When women say no chemistry it normally means they don't want to sleep with you. I would move on. She may become somewhat attracted to your personality for a while but the physical attraction factor doesn't usually get better.
odin673 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 What did you do physically on your 2 dates? It sounds like you 2 might be a good match but you failed to "turn her on". 1
Author 8888 Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 A good point If she had said flat out we have no physical chemistry I would agree. What she said was she was feeling like there isn't quite the right chemistry between us to pursue something romantic, which isn't as specific. She may just be being gentle, I acknowledge that. A friend advised that there's no way she would've given me her email if she didn't want to keep the door open. Ordinarily I would forget it. As I said, I've continued dating other girls, but what's unusual is that I'm still thinking about her three weeks later. Has someone's telling you how they feel after some time has passed ever made you reconsider your feelings towards that person?
odin673 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Women lie. She was being "nice" about it. A lot of women like to "friend" guys that they rejected romantically. It's an ego boost at worst and a consolation gift for you at best. I've been in your shoes and urge you to forget about this woman before you get hurt. BTW, you never answered my question. Did anything physical happen on your 2 dates?
Author 8888 Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 To your point Odin: yes there were some moments on the second date where it seemed like the right time to make a move but I didn't. Is it possible that she interpreted this as a lack of interest on my part? I'm definitely gunshy about taking it to the next level. I know that's something girls have said to me more than once.
odin673 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 That's exactly it. You have to go for it. She was turned off by your lack of forwardness. The good news is that you're not set in your ways when it comes to "intimacy shyness". It's something you can work on! You're a great guy which is why you got the second date(second chance). I'd recommend you look at some of the PUA material all over the web. You don't have to be a player, but you need to have some "game".
Author 8888 Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 I'm curious to hear the female perspective: if a guy you liked didn't initiate any level of physical contact after 2 dates--despite having the opportunity, what would you do?
Imajerk17 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Hi All, I'm seeking advice on the following scenario: I saw a girl's profile on an online dating site and was quite charmed by her words and her beauty. I sent her a message and was delighted that she responded enthusiastically and that we had such a good rapport right from the start. We messaged back and forth for about 10 days and met in person the next day. I've met a number of women through dating sites but I never quite felt this kind of hopefulness and excitement. Although it was a bit awkward in the first one or two minutes of our first meeting, we really got along well and there was some flirting going on. We share many of the same interests in sports and intellectual topics. After that date I called her for a second and was so nervous and although she agreed to go out, I was really upset at how awkward the phone call was. Anyway, we met for a second time a few days later and again the initial two minutes or so were quite awkward because I was so nervous but thereafter we got along really well, laughed a lot. Our second date ended with a very romantic long walk back to her place where we talked about so many things. She commented more than once on how perfect *the evening weather* was as we strolled through quiet parks and streets. I was confident that there would be many more dates between us because of how well we got along. So I was surprised when a few days later after leaving a message on her voicemail, she texted me back asking for my email address. The next day she emailed me saying that she was feeling that we didn't have quite the right chemistry although she was happy to keep in touch. I emailed her back agreeing that the chemistry wasn't quite right but I said this mainly because of the initial awkwardness at the beginning of both our dates and because I thought that if we kept in touch as friends we'd have a chance to continue to get to know each other and the chemistry would improve. It's been three weeks since that exchange and I've been out with and interacted with other girls but I can't stop thinking about her not as a friend but as someone with whom I'd make a great match. Somehow no one else I've seen since seems to compare to her and although I've effectively "moved on" in terms of dating, my mind still goes to her at the end of the day. Also I can't figure out why she opened up the email as an avenue of communication if all she wanted to do was end it. She could have done that using the dating site where we met. My question is: should I call her and tell her that I'm still thinking about her and that I'd like to give us another try, or should I just continue dating other girls and wait for the memories to fade. She didn't say there was no chemistry between us, just that the chemistry was not quite right. Maybe things could be different after a third date some weeks later. Your thoughts are appreciated. So that is how you believe a date is going extremely well...that she complimented the weather?? (That stood out to me for some reason.) I salute this girl for being straight with you. I know this advice is going to get slammed by certain quarters but I say (a) date other women, and (b) keep her as a friend. Meanwhile, when you get in touch with her, just ask how she is doing. No "I miss you" or "I'm thinking of you" or "I want to give it another try". As she was the one who ended it, it is on her to say those things. Hopefully you have enough good things going on in your life to talk about so that she sees you as this cool, attractive guy.
Delilah1623 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 If a guy I liked and was attracted to didn't make a move on the second date I would NOT tell him the chemistry wasn't right.
Imajerk17 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 (edited) I'm curious to hear the female perspective: if a guy you liked didn't initiate any level of physical contact after 2 dates--despite having the opportunity, what *would* you do? I think a better question for you to ask the women on here is, "what *did* you do?". I think women are decent at sensing whether a guy is comfortable making a move (but wants to wait), or whether instead the guy is too shy or uncomfortable to go for it. Women tend to like the former but friendzone the latter. Edited October 25, 2013 by Imajerk17
simsim Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Chemistry is a confusing concept. Hell, I KNOW when I feel chemistry with someone, but it's not something easily defined. Personally, I tend to feel "chemistry" with a man: - Who seems confident upon meeting me. I'm not talking big swagger here or anything, just an absence of that darty-eyed, quivering voice quality that makes me feel like he's intimidated by women. The guy I'm CRAZY about at the moment wasn't nervous at all when we first met, but still seemed a bit reserved - just really low key. He conversed with me exactly like he would a close friend. I don't get the feeling that HE is trying to impress ME, like so many other dates, but did get a vibe that he was trying to figure out if I am worth pursuing. Women love men with options. We want to feel like he chose US when he could've had others - it's just one of those unfortunate laws of attraction. If you seem too nervous, we figure that we're the only thing you have going on at the moment. - In that same vein, you have to have a life. I have to believe that you love your life and are happy with it. I don't want to get into a relationship with someone where the pressure is on ME to make them happy with themselves. I want a complete man, a man who's got stuff going on, a man with cherished friendships and fun weekends planned and a zest for life. And I want a guy who holds me up to those same standards, who likes a free spirited girl who knows how to have fun. Open minded, go with the flow kind of people. I think they gravitate towards each other. - Laughing a lot and teasing. Huge. She tells a story of something embarrassing she did, you cringe and exclaim "Oh (her name)" and pat her playfully on the knee. She makes fun of you, you can throw it right back in her face. To me, this builds attraction like crazy. It helps being on the same wavelength. I've been out with guys that are just sooooooo serious, so they just don't really "get" my dry, sarcastic wit. And that's great, everyone's different, but to feel chemistry with someone on every level (physical, mental, emotional) similar senses of humor are extremely important to me. I've been out on 4 dates with someone I'm crazy about. We've kissed once, and he's briefly touched my leg a couple times, but past that he hasn't "come on" to me yet. I think it's remiss to assume that we women only feel chemistry if a guy has made a move. For me, it's not about that at all. Though a knee touch, touching the small of her back as you lead her through a crowd, those are chemistry builders, but for me a personality click is WAYYYY more important. 1
simsim Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I think a better question for you to ask the women on here is, "what *did* you do?". I think women are decent at sensing whether a guy is comfortable making a move (but wants to wait), or whether instead the guy is too shy or uncomfortable to go for it. Women tend to like the former but friendzone the latter. Exactly!!!
Mascara Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I can only go from my experience. The times where a guy has held back, it's usually indicated that he's going to be a bit withdrawn throughout any relationship we might have. As such, now - if I go out on a date with someone who doesn't make the air crackle between us, I assume he's not interested.... and so I lose interest. That doesn't have to mean full-on tongue action. It could be a look that's held, watching the lips as they talk, a light touch. Knees that touch - never sit opposite a girl you like, always side by side.
jba10582 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Chemistry is a confusing concept. Hell, I KNOW when I feel chemistry with someone, but it's not something easily defined. Personally, I tend to feel "chemistry" with a man: - Who seems confident upon meeting me. I'm not talking big swagger here or anything, just an absence of that darty-eyed, quivering voice quality that makes me feel like he's intimidated by women. The guy I'm CRAZY about at the moment wasn't nervous at all when we first met, but still seemed a bit reserved - just really low key. He conversed with me exactly like he would a close friend. I don't get the feeling that HE is trying to impress ME, like so many other dates, but did get a vibe that he was trying to figure out if I am worth pursuing. Women love men with options. We want to feel like he chose US when he could've had others - it's just one of those unfortunate laws of attraction. If you seem too nervous, we figure that we're the only thing you have going on at the moment. - In that same vein, you have to have a life. I have to believe that you love your life and are happy with it. I don't want to get into a relationship with someone where the pressure is on ME to make them happy with themselves. I want a complete man, a man who's got stuff going on, a man with cherished friendships and fun weekends planned and a zest for life. And I want a guy who holds me up to those same standards, who likes a free spirited girl who knows how to have fun. Open minded, go with the flow kind of people. I think they gravitate towards each other. - Laughing a lot and teasing. Huge. She tells a story of something embarrassing she did, you cringe and exclaim "Oh (her name)" and pat her playfully on the knee. She makes fun of you, you can throw it right back in her face. To me, this builds attraction like crazy. It helps being on the same wavelength. I've been out with guys that are just sooooooo serious, so they just don't really "get" my dry, sarcastic wit. And that's great, everyone's different, but to feel chemistry with someone on every level (physical, mental, emotional) similar senses of humor are extremely important to me. I've been out on 4 dates with someone I'm crazy about. We've kissed once, and he's briefly touched my leg a couple times, but past that he hasn't "come on" to me yet. I think it's remiss to assume that we women only feel chemistry if a guy has made a move. For me, it's not about that at all. Though a knee touch, touching the small of her back as you lead her through a crowd, those are chemistry builders, but for me a personality click is WAYYYY more important. I feel this to be very true in my experience and think you describe it very well.
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