BS's: Confronting the OW/OM

[solostand]

I cringe to post this but several years ago I was the OW contacted by the wife and it did not go down well for the wife, unfortunatly.

 

I'm not proud of this but I entered into an affair with my estranged husband's former best friend. It was revenge for me - I knew if my husband found out about it our marriage would be over good and proper. (Thinking back, I should have just divorced him)

 

Anyhoo, me and MM started this affair where we went out on the town in public, holding hands, he introduced me as his girlfriend, et cetera. He bought me clothes and jewellery, we went on trips, had a lot of fun together. Oh yes, he "Always wanted to be friends" no matter what happened.

 

Six months in, ex hubby found out. Within five minutes, he phoned the wife.

 

Wife phones me asks if it is true and I said yes. Told me never to contact husband again and said "he told me it was just sex anyway".

 

Well, I went ballistic. He was trickle truthing her and I would not stand for that. I told her EVERYTHING including that I was not his first affair (named names), told her that he introduced me as his girlfriend, told her that he told me he loved me, took me on trips, that she actually dropped him off at the bar where I was waiting inside, et cetera. Every true but hurtful thing I could think of.

 

He phoned within 15 minutes and I went ape**** on his ass. How DARE he minimize? He said "yes but you should be the bigger person" Why? To save your cheating ass?

 

I of course reget it today but this is why it is dangeorus to contact the ow.

 

p.s. My husband FORGAVE me he said the very day he found out. But says he'll NEVER forgive him.

[road]

My wife told me that if she didn't tell me everything she knew that if I found something out in a year or ten that it would end us. I know probably all the important details, to me anyway, why would they need to get their story straight. The guilt she has shown and the health issues she is going through, some life threatening as a result, why would she go through that if she could just walk away. I might still walk myself yet if I end up not being able to get over it. You've made me feel abit paranoid now.

 

 

Normal to be paranoid. This is the problem with trickle trothing. The BS gets lied to by saying false things, and lied to by omission, where she left things out.

 

How does a BS know when the WS stops lying by commission?

 

They do not.

 

How does a BS know when the WS stops lying by omission?

 

They do not.

 

The guilt, the remorse the WS shows now. How about the way a WS earned their academy award during their affair. Denying they where having an affair. Denying with such a straight face.

 

I do not know your WW's health issues. Though if healthy enough it would be polygraph time.

 

As to confronting the OM and asking him for the truth. The BS must realize the OM's motivations.

 

There is know motivation for the OM to tell the truth. The OM can be motivated to brag at the minimum if not outright lie because he wants to inflict pain in the BH.

 

The OM is motivated to minimize what happened in the affair because he is trying to prevent fists from flying.

 

The OM wants this last chance to protect the WW so they rehearsed their stories.

 

Polygraph time. That is how you know you got the truth.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Bank robber goes to church every week. Nicest guy you would every meet.

 

His wife, child, parent, needs a life saving operation. They have no money and no insurance.

 

Bank robber goes and robs a bank. Upon making his get away, driving away in his car the police shot and a by stander gets killed.

 

So the Bank Robber is not to blame because he is a nice guy trying to help a loved one?

 

What? How does this help?

[road]

I agree with most of this but when it comes to polygraphs, time to quit whilst you are ahead. IMO trust is gone, then respect, so has everything else. What is lying my commision?

 

 

The affair broke the trust. The trust is gone. To recover the trust must be repaired. The poly shows that the WS is now being truthful. That evidence is the first step to rebuilding the trust.

 

 

Commission, think of it as committing the lie.

 

 

WW says we did not have sex. It was just an EA. That is a lie.

 

 

 

Omission, think of the word omit.

 

 

WW says it was not an EA it was a PA for 2 years. We had sex at least 100 times.

 

WW leaves out that she rode the OM bare back. Leaving out the fact no protection was used is lying by omission.

[Snowflower]

I cringe to post this but several years ago I was the OW contacted by the wife and it did not go down well for the wife, unfortunatly.

 

I'm not proud of this but I entered into an affair with my estranged husband's former best friend. It was revenge for me - I knew if my husband found out about it our marriage would be over good and proper. (Thinking back, I should have just divorced him)

 

Anyhoo, me and MM started this affair where we went out on the town in public, holding hands, he introduced me as his girlfriend, et cetera. He bought me clothes and jewellery, we went on trips, had a lot of fun together. Oh yes, he "Always wanted to be friends" no matter what happened.

 

Six months in, ex hubby found out. Within five minutes, he phoned the wife.

 

Wife phones me asks if it is true and I said yes. Told me never to contact husband again and said "he told me it was just sex anyway".

 

Well, I went ballistic. He was trickle truthing her and I would not stand for that. I told her EVERYTHING including that I was not his first affair (named names), told her that he introduced me as his girlfriend, told her that he told me he loved me, took me on trips, that she actually dropped him off at the bar where I was waiting inside, et cetera. Every true but hurtful thing I could think of.

 

He phoned within 15 minutes and I went ape**** on his ass. How DARE he minimize? He said "yes but you should be the bigger person" Why? To save your cheating ass?

 

I of course reget it today but this is why it is dangeorus to contact the ow.

 

p.s. My husband FORGAVE me he said the very day he found out. But says he'll NEVER forgive him.

 

Honestly, from what you write here solostand, I don't think you did anything wrong. You gave his wife the truth about the affair. Yes, it hurt her badly but it was the truth. At least after speaking to you she had a better idea of what she was dealing with.

 

So, don't feel badly about telling her. Feel bad about having an affair with her husband, yes, but never about telling the truth.

[road]

What? How does this help?

 

My quote alone is pointless without the quote I was responding to. In that quote it was saying who has the right to call an OW as a bad person.

 

The OW's actions are what condemns her. Not the OW being called names. Those names are just labels that describe her bad behaviors. You can never defend bad behaviors.

[janedoe67]

This is the infidelity forum right? Where the purpose is to recover from affairs and infidelity is considered a bad thing.

 

So I'm thinking that some of these postings belong in the OW forum....just saying. I'm not a BS or an OW, but even I know that the purpose of THIS forum is not to justify being an AP.

[ladydesigner]

I cringe to post this but several years ago I was the OW contacted by the wife and it did not go down well for the wife, unfortunatly.

 

I'm not proud of this but I entered into an affair with my estranged husband's former best friend. It was revenge for me - I knew if my husband found out about it our marriage would be over good and proper. (Thinking back, I should have just divorced him)

 

Anyhoo, me and MM started this affair where we went out on the town in public, holding hands, he introduced me as his girlfriend, et cetera. He bought me clothes and jewellery, we went on trips, had a lot of fun together. Oh yes, he "Always wanted to be friends" no matter what happened.

 

Six months in, ex hubby found out. Within five minutes, he phoned the wife.

 

Wife phones me asks if it is true and I said yes. Told me never to contact husband again and said "he told me it was just sex anyway".

 

Well, I went ballistic. He was trickle truthing her and I would not stand for that. I told her EVERYTHING including that I was not his first affair (named names), told her that he introduced me as his girlfriend, told her that he told me he loved me, took me on trips, that she actually dropped him off at the bar where I was waiting inside, et cetera. Every true but hurtful thing I could think of.

 

He phoned within 15 minutes and I went ape**** on his ass. How DARE he minimize? He said "yes but you should be the bigger person" Why? To save your cheating ass?

 

I of course reget it today but this is why it is dangeorus to contact the ow.

 

p.s. My husband FORGAVE me he said the very day he found out. But says he'll NEVER forgive him.

 

Solostand I'm glad you told the BS the truth. That took courage. MOW did not do me the same favor. She preferred the relationship secret and in the dark, even underground. I would have given anything for the truth. Unfortunately I found out most of it on my own, but of course I will never know entirely.

[solostand]

Solostand I'm glad you told the BS the truth. That took courage. MOW did not do me the same favor. She preferred the relationship secret and in the dark, even underground. I would have given anything for the truth. Unfortunately I found out most of it on my own, but of course I will never know entirely.

 

 

Well last I heard they went to MC and are still married, so that's good. And I mean that.

 

I remember that day though. She said "I hate you both right now. If you were in front of me I would run over you with a car!"

 

Reasonable to me.

[William]

It appears both moderators have spent substantial time in this thread due to off-topic and inflammatory postings. If productive and conforming discussion is not possible, rather than 'locking the thread', we'll simply suspend or ban members who can't abide by our rules. Fair enough. Please continue the discussion. Thanks!

[Stillscared]

I must be in the minority. For me it was important to see/confront the OW.

 

1) I wanted to know what she looked like, so that I did not fear that every woman I see might be her. Now I know what she looks like. She's pretty. Damn, that pisses me off.

 

2) I wanted her to know / see that I was a real person. She can't discount me as much now, and she also knows that I know where she lives. She can't hide in the shadows anymore.

 

3) I had to take my 'power' back by not sitting home and feeling sorry for myself. I went on the offense, in fact, I asked her to give back the ring that my husband had bought her (with our credit card!!!). When she stalled, I showed up at her house to pick it up. I felt powerful, even though she didn't give it back that day. I saw her fear, and her sorry ass skulk away into her house. (She later mailed the ring back.)

 

BTW - my husband was PISSED that I took this approach. Too bad. He slept with her and opened the doors to this contact. I simply refused to let it stay secret, hidden and without me.

 

We're together still. Have been since D-Day when he renounced her while I was listening on the call. They've since gone NC and I'm starting to breathe easier.

 

I'm glad I confronted her.

[Confused48]

I really like your post. Finally someone that did almost exactly what I did.

 

I must be in the minority. For me it was important to see/confront the OW.

 

1) I wanted to know what she looked like, so that I did not fear that every woman I see might be her. Now I know what she looks like. She's pretty. Damn, that pisses me off.

 

I already knew what the AP looked like. Believe me it was the opposite. It was a very unattractive AP. It does not make it any easier. Makes me sick to think of them together. MY WS with that disgusting thing.

2) I wanted her to know / see that I was a real person. She can't discount me as much now, and she also knows that I know where she lives. She can't hide in the shadows anymore.

 

The old, "I know what you did." Yes very good for me too.

 

3) I had to take my 'power' back by not sitting home and feeling sorry for myself. I went on the offense,

 

My version of going on offense was telling AP's BS. It was great.

 

BTW - my husband was PISSED that I took this approach. Too bad. He slept with her and opened the doors to this contact. I simply refused to let it stay secret, hidden and without me.

 

My WS was pissed at first. Of course I did not care one bit. WS then looked at me in a new more favorable light. Again I did not care. I wasn't doing it to score points with the cheating WS.

 

We're together still. Have been since D-Day when he renounced her while I was listening on the call. They've since gone NC and I'm starting to breathe easier.

 

Good for you. Glad to hear all of this. I'm 1 1/4 years from Dday and still with WS. It is still tough and the outcome uncertain. But I have zero regrets for confronting the AP or telling the other BS.

[ladydesigner]

I really like your post. Finally someone that did almost exactly what I did.

 

 

 

I already knew what the AP looked like. Believe me it was the opposite. It was a very unattractive AP. It does not make it any easier. Makes me sick to think of them together. MY WS with that disgusting thing.

 

 

The old, "I know what you did." Yes very good for me too.

 

 

 

My version of going on offense was telling AP's BS. It was great.

 

 

 

My WS was pissed at first. Of course I did not care one bit. WS then looked at me in a new more favorable light. Again I did not care. I wasn't doing it to score points with the cheating WS.

 

 

 

Good for you. Glad to hear all of this. I'm 1 1/4 years from Dday and still with WS. It is still tough and the outcome uncertain. But I have zero regrets for confronting the AP or telling the other BS.

 

 

Mine went down this way too, as well as public exposure to both. We are in R, 1 1/2 years from Dday. I have zero regrets too, the only one who seems to have regrets nowadays is my WH.