How many sexual partners are too many?

October 25, 2013

It is subjective - what if you were in a long term relationship or a couple. You have had lots of sex, but with a few.

It comes down to what you believe about sex - and relationships and if your partner shares them with you - or perhaps at least does not care one way or another - which is also a belief. And most importantly what does he or she believe about having sex or a relationship with you in the right now?

One example i guess what if a single gal said she only had 4 partners in her enite life ........but then says 3 of them were married men? Or she was married her whole life - and the other 3 men were affairs she had?

Or she had two dozen but really is not that into sex, she does it to get attention, self esteme, and other things.

Numbers - meh.

Edited October 25, 2013 by dichotomy

October 25, 2013

I bet you have the choice every day of the week.

I'll take this one on too. I took time off from work today to hook up with a low level porn star I know in the area today. Yes, I haven't hooked up for 2 weeks prior, but I do have choices.

Does this site let me post pics of the pornstar and myself?

I've been super honest about my life on this site and I'd like to steamroll some of the haters.

I'm happy to put pics up. Is that allowed?

October 25, 2013

If you and your partner are in a committed relationship any increase in the number after you is at least one too many.

There is an old song from the 70s by Bread called "It Don't Matter To Me". In it there is a refrain that goes... "a lot of people have a hang up, want to be the only one. What does it matter just as long as you're the last."

With that said use your head about your sexuality and how you express it and take time to really get to know anyone you might consider spending your life with.

Good luck and keep your wits about you,

Twosadthings

October 26, 2013

Beg to differ. I don't see any hypocrisy. If you've done something more often, odds are you are better at it than someone with no practice.

That's a generalization, not hypocrisy.

Of course there is the low count that still has plenty of experience, but the CarrieT's of the world would blow your mind in most cases. That's a positive comment, not a negative one.

I highly disagree with the general notion that low numbers = low skill. First of all you're completely ignoring that high numbers does not necessarily mean much sexual encounters. A person with low numbers can have much more 'sex-time' with a low number of people than a person with high numbers who has just a couple of sexual encounters with many different people. I assume that the amount of sex plays a critical role in experience gained and that is not necessarily confirmed by having high numbers.

You're also not taking into account that high numbers generally means shorter LTR's which can also be a very useful platform for developing sexual experience. Not everyone can just right off the bat feel safe and comfortable enough to actually explore their sexuality. For some it is possible - for others it isn't and for them longer relationships (and thus probably lower numbers) are a better alternative for gaining sexual experience.

Then there are slow and fast learners. Some people can pump 'n dump dozens of partners and not learn a thing - others can develop sexual experience much quicker even though their overall number of partners might be lower. A persons identity, capability to learn and eagerness to learn play an important role as well.

And last but not least - 'good' sex is highly subjective. There is no sexual experience meter that goes up the more sex you have or the higher numbers you have. It's entirely dependent on who you are sleeping with. Sure with higher numbers you might have a better chance to evaluate whether you're good or bad but even with extremely high numbers (let's say triple digits) - it still will never be a solid enough basis to claim you are generally better for whomever you land in bed with. It still heavily depends on your sexual partner.

And that's why I think that stating 'higer numbers = better skills' is WAY to general to make sense at all whatsoever. It's also a huge slap in the face of everyone with low numbers as it's not all necessarily true. Your positive comment might be a compliment for high numbers but your feedback on low numbers is just an insult.

EDIT: fixed a little mistake in the first paragraph

Edited October 26, 2013 by man_in_the_box

October 26, 2013

I don't see why this shouldn't be something that a person could either determine as a compatibility or not...if your number is that fearful of being judged for, regardless of what it is, doesn't that just mean that person doesn't except you for who you are anyway? would you rather lie to people or kept that a secret for yourself for a relationship with a person who may otherwise have chosen not to take you seriously?

So in that regard, I think it would be nice if everybody's number was transparent and out there in the open in terms of a potential relationship...if someone thinks it's too high then they can move on, and you can feel proud and justified that you're not being with a person who would therefore judge you for it...that would also eliminate any "double-standard" as both people would have to be honest about their numbers and sexual history, if someone were to judge you for having a high number for them but they have a much higher number themselves then that could justify for you that they're not the right person....win/win situation right?

So all this "my sexual history is my own business!" is just a way of saying "don't judge me for who I am or what I did, I expect people to make judgments about me not knowing everything about me, only what I feel is necessary"...hey, in the real world, everybody likes to sell themselves in a certain way and appear to be of "quality" and cast themselves in a certain light, therefore they feel entitled to whatever it is they desire, even to avoid being "labeled"...but that is your own perception and opinion, if someone does not agree with that assessment of yourself then I'd say they have the right to...the only real disagreement there should be is incompatibility...if someone considers it important to themselves or for themselves that's their right people say anyway, right? a lot of people here on LS carry that torch...just like a fat, ugly person could want a gorgeous super model, people like to say there is no such thing as "leagues"....well then put your money where your mouth is and actually represent that.

If you're happy with who you are, and confident in the person you are and feel you should not be judged or criticized for anything you've done in your own sexual life....then why would you be secretive about it? If you don't supposedly care what anyone thinks of you anyway.

October 26, 2013

Common misconception.

I've slept with virgins that were better at everything than girls that are known as the "town wh*res".

And you must in the double-digit yourself.

I have a female cousin in her 20's that's a virgin but unfortunately she respects herself so much that she wants only wants to marry a virgin.

October 26, 2013

I stopped counting at 300. I have friends who are in the 1,000s. My fiancé had probably had less than 10. We are all 50-ish so counting is not something we do anymore or matters.

CarrieT how you manage that?? I'm no saint either but I think you definitely beat everyone of us here by a lot. I'm not talking about a won by a couple partners or so but an astronomical won.

October 26, 2013

The higher the number of partners, the higher chance of an STD. That's all that matters. Get tested.

October 26, 2013

I don't see why this shouldn't be something that a person could either determine as a compatibility or not...if your number is that fearful of being judged for, regardless of what it is, doesn't that just mean that person doesn't except you for who you are anyway? would you rather lie to people or kept that a secret for yourself for a relationship with a person who may otherwise have chosen not to take you seriously?

So in that regard, I think it would be nice if everybody's number was transparent and out there in the open in terms of a potential relationship...if someone thinks it's too high then they can move on, and you can feel proud and justified that you're not being with a person who would therefore judge you for it...that would also eliminate any "double-standard" as both people would have to be honest about their numbers and sexual history, if someone were to judge you for having a high number for them but they have a much higher number themselves then that could justify for you that they're not the right person....win/win situation right?

So all this "my sexual history is my own business!" is just a way of saying "don't judge me for who I am or what I did, I expect people to make judgments about me not knowing everything about me, only what I feel is necessary"...hey, in the real world, everybody likes to sell themselves in a certain way and appear to be of "quality" and cast themselves in a certain light, therefore they feel entitled to whatever it is they desire, even to avoid being "labeled"...but that is your own perception and opinion, if someone does not agree with that assessment of yourself then I'd say they have the right to...the only real disagreement there should be is incompatibility...if someone considers it important to themselves or for themselves that's their right people say anyway, right? a lot of people here on LS carry that torch...just like a fat, ugly person could want a gorgeous super model, people like to say there is no such thing as "leagues"....well then put your money where your mouth is and actually represent that.

If you're happy with who you are, and confident in the person you are and feel you should not be judged or criticized for anything you've done in your own sexual life....then why would you be secretive about it? If you don't supposedly care what anyone thinks of you anyway.

If my number is that important to a would-be suitor we are obviously not well matched. I'll tell him it's something I don't share, he won't accept that, we'll both move on. Problem solved.

Sharing my number almost always leads to a discussion of the massive sexual abuse I suffered as a child. I may never tell a partner about that, but I'm certainly not sharing it early in a relationship.

October 26, 2013

I dont think my umber is very high...I dont really 'date around' for the sake and really my hearts been set on my now gf since I was 15.

She in the other hand...she's probably lost count! I can remember a Time when she was probably sleeping with a guy weekly minimum, if you do the math that adds up!

It really really doesn't bother me...it doesn't matter how many guys she's been with cause she left everyone into morning and with me she stays! Plus I'm more bothered about being her last than her first!

Plus she had he reasons...some people cut, and you would be like ahh I can't be with them cause they used to do that.

October 26, 2013

CarrieT how you manage that??

Read through the thread. I've already explained how.

Edited November 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

October 26, 2013

I think to me having sex with someone is intimate but I think that my girlfriend would find it easier to separate sex an intimacy.

That said I think even if sex and intimacy are two separate things to you that doesn't mean you cant bring them together...like my gf will openly tell you that cuddling means more to her than sex - she used to say, before we were together, when she was talking about other guys "I'm like lets **** then move to your side of the bed and don't touch me", whereas even then she would cuddle up to me.

Obviously now we're together and I feel like we probably bring those elements together more, dunno, like I say its an interesting one.

Edited November 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

October 26, 2013

The lower the better. I never had any and if I get one, I'd rather not think where she's been. I fear I might have missed the boat on that one though.

November 5, 2013

Yikes! I wouldn't even sleep with a girl if she had that many. That's like prostitute numbers right there.

OP, I wouldn't get into a relationship with a girl that is in the double digits. She should respect herself more than that.

So you think that if a girl has a high number, it must mean shes doing it for money? Or that she doesnt respect herself?

Sit down, what im about to tell you might shock you......

Its not just men that enjoy sex........ WOMEN DO TOO!

And it's not just men that sometimes want uncomplicated, uncommited relationships.

Sleeping with someone isnt always intended to end up in a relationship, then marriage, then getting knocked up and having a boring monogamous life with a mortgage you cant afford and resentment for wasting your life

Women have physical needs too.... And we dont always want to cuddle after. I dont date people, i prefer to just have a friend who mutually understands a FWB kind of situation, so we both get what we need but can get back to our lives after

November 5, 2013

Even now, I'll see girls that were formerly my FWB or that I hooked up with and I meet their boyfriends/husbands and all I think is "dude, I've been inside your girl.

But they've probably been inside other girls.

November 5, 2013

Personally, I had to learn how to separate love and sex. It was not natural. So I would never date any girl that has ever had casual sex or FWB.

Even now, I'll see girls that were formerly my FWB or that I hooked up with and I meet their boyfriends/husbands and all I think is "dude, I've been inside your girl."

Yeah, never want to be that guy.

I currently have 1 FWB-ish (she's pushing for a relationship) and another possibly on the way. I would never date any of these girls.

I don't understand the double standard. Why is it o.k. for you, and not for a female you would be interested in dating? Why would there be something wrong with them, but not wrong with you?

November 5, 2013

I've read studies on pair-bonding and women and how the more sexual partners they've had, the less able they are to pair bond and the higher likelihood for divorce. I'm looking for those studies right now. Will post them when I find them.

The higher numbers for divorce are due to women leaving emotionally neglectful men. I refer you to a guy named Harley. The guy has over 20 years of counseling experience and has a lot to say about what makes women leave men and vice versa.

You don't bond with sex, obviously... so you are proving your own point. You have acknowledged putting on a false façade to just about everyone you know.

November 5, 2013

Even now, I'll see girls that were formerly my FWB or that I hooked up with and I meet their boyfriends/husbands and all I think is "dude, I've been inside your girl.

So what?

Secure guy wouldn't have a problem with that. He is with me now, those are past and it won't happen again. Not with that attitude.

Unfortunately for her, she's now pushing for a relationship, which will never happen in a million years because of her past.

Does she know that? Are you telling her upfront that you want to just be FWB with her and relationship with her will never happen because of her past? Or are you stringing her along, dangling possibility of a relationship in front of her, because otherwise you wouldn't get sex?

I don't understand the double standard. Why is it o.k. for you, and not for a female you would be interested in dating? Why would there be something wrong with them, but not wrong with you?

Exactly.

If having had casual sex makes her permanently undateable, so does it make him.

November 5, 2013

I don't understand the double standard. Why is it o.k. for you, and not for a female you would be interested in dating? Why would there be something wrong with them, but not wrong with you?

Coming from a former virgin I don't think this is fair either. I understand if the guy was a virgin like I was and it matters to him that his girl isn't experienced. Well not really. He would probably still be an insecure jerk.

My current gf knew I was a virgin and she wasn't. I don't really care (I didn't even ask for her number). I guess I'm weird or maybe too kind and not into labeling girls but the number is the least of my concern. I only care about what I have now and if she is honest, doesn't cheat, wants to finish college, wants a family in the future, etc.

Even before losing it, I still didn't understand that double standard even though technically in my case, it would have probably been more understandable than in HoneyBadgerDontCare but regardless, it seem I'm more nicer than him.

Edited November 5, 2013 by EpicCentre

November 5, 2013

Coming from a former virgin I don't think this is fair either. I understand if the guy was a virgin like I was and it matters to him that his girl isn't experienced. Well not really. He would probably still be an insecure jerk.

My current gf knew I was a virgin and she wasn't. I don't really care (I didn't even ask for her number). I guess I'm weird or maybe too kind and not into labeling girls but the number is the least of my concern. I only about what I have now and if she is honest, doesn't cheat, wants to finish college, wants a family in the future, etc.

Even before losing it, I still didn't understand that double standard even though technically in my case, it would have probably been more understandable than in HoneyBadgerDontCare but regardless, it seem I'm more nicer than him.

You are much nicer.

I'd hate to be grilled about my past then made feel like there is something wrong with me by some random guy's arbitrary criteria.

If someone thinks there is something wrong with me because of my sexual count, he isn't the guy for me.

Fortunately, I don't need to look for one now

November 5, 2013

You are much nicer.

I'd hate to be grilled about my past then made feel like there is something wrong with me by some random guy's arbitrary criteria.

If someone thinks there is something wrong with me because of my sexual count, he isn't the guy for me.

Fortunately, I don't need to look for one now

They aren't worth your time but don't give up; you'll find him. That poster's sn should be change to HoneyBadgerCares instead. He sounds like a real catch. I briefly stated that on another site but those guys end up calling me a white knight lol. Oh well....

Answering the OP's original question of how many sexual partners are too many for me?

Only if her number increases while being in a relationship with me. In other words only if she cheats.

November 5, 2013

They aren't worth your time but don't give up; you'll find him. That poster's sn should be change to HoneyBadgerCares instead. He sounds like a real catch. I briefly stated that on another site but those guys end up calling me a white knight lol. Oh well....

Answering the OP's original question of how many sexual partners are too many for me?

Only if her number increases while being in a relationship with me. In other words only if she cheats.

I already have one. But thank you for nice words.

November 5, 2013

I don't understand the double standard. Why is it o.k. for you, and not for a female you would be interested in dating? Why would there be something wrong with them, but not wrong with you?

According to a man's explanation on another forum on why does that double standard (which I believe is childish) is there:

It takes communication skills, time, effort and a seductive nature for a man to convince a woman to get in bed with him and many times he might even go home empty handed counting his hands and masturbating while for any woman (even if it's not attractive at all) is easier to attract men and she doesn't need any skills at all; any woman can become promiscuous easily but not all men can be studs. Therefore, the real players are really the women who are getting all the sex while the men that are waiting aren't getting any action. Basically, the men are jealous that some women might know a lot more than them and feel emasculated that he can't compare to her level. Overall, they feel inferior and unmanly so they compensate that by creating this double standard. Also, there are more older male virgins than female virgins.

The guy that explained also thought the double standard is silly but said it's mainly that reason it exists. It's really a defense mechanism they're making in order to not feel bad about themselves. If things were different and we couldn't get any guy to have sex with us no matter what, then this there would be no point for this double standard.

Lastly, I heard elsewhere that unlike the myth of ''men sleep around and are studs by nature'', the average man will never reach the double digit in his life (very few make it to double digits; it's really 7-9). His number of women he slept with is rather lower than assumed but he likes to compensate this by rounding it up and bragging about it.

Edited November 5, 2013 by samsungxoxo

November 6, 2013

I don't even know my exact number. Probably more than 10 but less than 15. So let's call it 12.

For a girl in my age range (mid 20's) I'd be a bit weirded out if she only had one previous partner, and it would also raise an eye brow if she had 25 plus partners. Neither one of those would be deal breakers for me. I mean if I found out a girl slept with hundreds of people by the time she was 25 I'd probably be turned off pretty hard.

November 6, 2013

CarrieT, I love that you were so honest on this post. High five to you. I also applaud the other women and men on this thread who have challenged this antiquated and misogynistic view of women. Live and let live.

Sorry Honey and others, it's 2013 and like it or not, times have changed. You have a right to your own opinion, of course, but shaming women about sex went out with TV dinners. Birth control and women's rights happened while John F. Kennedy was still president. So, instead of taking people's inventory and saying spiteful things on anonymous internet boards, why don't you work on becoming a more loving and accepting person.

Don't look now, but your hatred and bigotry is showing. And I believe that no woman is attracted to that, particularly the type you seek.

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