Should I tell my ex-bf how Im feeling? I dont want to be friends with him anymore

[hiddenlakegem]

My ex broke up with me back in 2011. we were high school sweethearts that went out for officially 4 months but we bonded for awhile before then.

We went to college 4 hours away---he in north cali, me near south cali. We spent about a month in a long distance relationship before he broke up with me. He has depression and just closed down on me....

Seriously didn't hear from him for a little over a year. Then out of the blue, he facebook messages me (I had deleted him) saying that he didn't mean for this to happen to us and how he was going through a depression bout and how he loved me/never stopped thinking about me and wanted to continue to speak to me...also said that he doesn't expect me to fully forgive him. This was back in December.

 

We then began to hang out again---when i tell him that i still have feelings for him and I just wasnt sure what he wanted from me (we cuddled a lot, went on dates), he said that he just wasnt ready to be in a relationship again.

 

flash forward to summer, i end up giving him my virginity..and before he starts to have sex, he whispers, "I really dont want to confuse you, are you okay?" I didnt respond, I just continued to kiss him and we had sex....kind of continued for the whole summer. By the last two weeks of us being in the same town, he just started acting weird. i didnt see him at all and he texts saying how we will see each other again when i get back in town.

 

i dont really text him or anything but he saw a picture of me with another guy on insta and he was like sooooooo anything new happening lately? and i told him that the guy and i werent involved....then he was just like, hmm okay i was just playing around anyway.

 

 

How Im feeling: HONESTLY, I really dont want to talk to this guy anymore because it hurts me. He doesnt want a relationship with me yet we had sex. I want him back, I felt like the sex made me a bit more attached to him than I wanted to be. It just seems like he doesnt even know the effect he has on me and its annoying. He tries to flirt via text and everything. I know we probably dont have a future together so why is he trying to be my friend again? He is just a toxic force in my life that makes me depressed :/

 

Should I tell him this and how? We text a lot

I do want to see him again when I get home in a couple of weeks-- thats why I am so hesitant. I dont want him to completely start ignoring me again

[hiddenlakegem]

Can someone give me advice about how to tell him this?

Should I text him within the next week?

[KatZee]

He doesn't know the effect he has on you because you continue to play this game and hide your real intentions behind your "non caring" attitude.

 

You knew you still liked him, still wanted him back, and before you even had sex he warned you. He said, "I don't want to confuse you." Instead of you getting up and walking away, you ignored him, continued kissing him and basically gave him the green light to use you for sex.

 

You then continued to engage further, I'm assuming in hopes that he would want you back or something. The problem with all of this is that he specifically told you the deal from day one of getting back in touch with you. He didn't want a relationship.

 

This is where girls go wrong. You choose not to listen to what they're saying and you choose to pretend you're OK with a certain status quo when you're not.

 

Nothing really to do here but tell him you're not capable of just being a friend and you'd like to move on with your life.

[hiddenlakegem]

^this. thank you, you described it perfectly. i feel awful and depressed....like i just gave my body away.

i was wondering if i should tell him EVERYTHING on my mind or simply that we shouldnt be friends anymore.

Edited October 24, 2013 by hiddenlakegem

[Drdateright12]

Yes sometimes you just have to be real with people and let them know how you feel. If I was in your shoes I would say were both getting older and I am personally at the point where I don't play games anymore; you hurt me really bad back in the day, so you need to make decision if you want to be with me or not, because if you don't I am ready to move on. He will have to give you the real answer so you will be relieved that your current situation is over. I would probably do this in person or on the phone though not through a text.

[KatZee]

^this. thank you, you described it perfectly. i feel awful and depressed....like i just gave my body away.

i was wondering if i should tell him EVERYTHING on my mind or simply that we shouldnt be friends anymore.

 

I don't think you have to tell him EVERYTHING. Just tell him you thought you were over him but you're not, and you can't be in contact with him while trying to move on.

[hiddenlakegem]

^what do you mean?

like i dont want the guy to be completely out of my life be/c i do love him but just being friends with him hurts me a lot.

i also dont like to think about him being with other girls. it's strange. i am close with a guy who doesnt know i know my ex bf and he tells me how he never really hooks up with anyone.

[KatZee]

^what do you mean?

like i dont want the guy to be completely out of my life be/c i do love him but just being friends with him hurts me a lot.

i also dont like to think about him being with other girls. it's strange. i am close with a guy who doesnt know i know my ex bf and he tells me how he never really hooks up with anyone.

 

Unfortunately, the harsh reality is that he HAS to be out of your life.

 

You're still in love with him. Do you honestly think you're EVER going to move on if he's still in your life? I'll save you the time and just tell you the answer now, it's no.

 

Maybe one day you can have him in your life in some capacity but that time is not now. You need to be in strict NC. That means no meeting up, no hooking up, no texting/emailing.

 

He is NOT your friend. He is an EX BOYFRIEND. Is it possible to be strictly platonic friends with exes? Sure. But you're a prime example of how it's NOT possible.

 

You can't be friends with, or have people in your life that you're in love with but can't be with, you can't have people in your life that you're in love with who have hurt you and who continue to hurt you.

 

I know you want to keep him in your life for the *smallhope* that he'll realize what he lost and come back. You can waste your life obsessing about what he's doing, what girl's he's with, praying he comes back, but who's the one that's going to be suffering here? Not him. If he wants to come back, he knows who you are, where you are, and how to get in touch with you. You don't need to keep him in your life in fear that he'll forget about you.

 

NC and start moving on. If he comes back one day, great. Then you're in control and you can decide if you want to take him back. If he doesn't, great as well, because you've already done the work and have started moving on and it doesn't hurt as much. You're going to love other people, this guy isn't the last one you'll ever date or love.

[hiddenlakegem]

Okay should I text him that we should no longer talk or just ignore him when he texts me? o_O

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Be honest. Tell him that you have feelings for him and cannot continue being friends with him. Tell him to respect your wishes and to not contact you so that you can move on.

 

That's all that should be said. If he wants to talk, begs to be friends, etc...IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE.

 

 

You will never be able to heal and move on with him in your life.

 

I was once was in a similar situation to yours and it dragged on for a few years. It was awful. Eventually I cut all contact and was able to heal and move on. We are actually friends now but it took a long time.

 

Be brave. It'll feel wrong at first but hold strong and in time you'll be so much better off than you are now.

 

Good luck.

Edited October 25, 2013 by seekingpeaceinlove