My Lithuanain ex GF has destroyed me :(

[Busybee1]

Hello!

 

I was hoping to get some advice over a woman I recently broke up with, (was dumped by) and after some time am still seriousley feeling down about loosing her. I can't sleep, eat, or stop the pressure in my chest always appearing. I feel writing this is the only way of dulling the pain as I am failing miserably at getting on with my life.

 

I met this lovely Lithuanian woman through friends after seeing her many times on the school run a year or so before. We met up, hit it off and got to know each other very well. In fact very intimately. We got into a good retationship. She was Lithuanian, and 10 years younger than me with 2 great childeren. I was worried about the cliched stories of eastern european woman looking for men with money and a house & visa etc, but she had already lived in England for 15 years with a nice house and said she wasn't at all interested in money, only love.

 

Due to her work pattens we saw each other 2/3 times a week and I was falling more and more in love with her. We went out, had intimate evenings in and had a fantastic time together. I loved listening and talking about her everyday life goings on and such like. I met some of her family and enjoyed being around them. Really nice people. She kept saying I was hopefully 'the one' to them. She said she felt the same and we got very close. I explained to her that I had just moved into my small house after finally getting back on my feet after a marriage breakup of 13 years with my previous wife who had run off with a much younger guy. After the 5 years, I felt ready to meet someone so this woman was perfect. She seemed to understand. She was beautiful, had nice kids and I felt she really liked me. (she actually made a beeline for me at the start of the relationship) Things went well through out the year, I was opening up more and more to her, as she did me and felt comfortable around her. I felt that wonderful warmness towards her.

 

.....Then, out of nowhere, she announced things weren't moving forward as much as she's hoped and said we should 'see how things go'. She said I wasn't seeing her enough. I made more time to see her to address this, as her working at weekends made it difficult job wise. It all seemed to go down hill from there. Someone in her family was ill and needed a major operation at a hospital some way away, I couldn't get there to be with her due to my son being at school and family being away to look after him. She seemed ok about it, (I kept in touch via phone and arranged taxi's/shop routes for her in a town that she needed help with) then after she returned she said I wasn't there for her when she needed me most. I felt terrible for upsetting her, but explained it was impossible to get there in the situation I was in with my son and work. I also totally misunderstood some of the things she said (her engish was excellent perhaps 90%) but sometimes I wasn't quite sure I heard her right due to her heavy (but beautiful) Russion accent. I explained that to her, and appolgised many times.

 

We carried on seeing each other as before. Some weeks later we went to a big party of a friend of hers, she got very very drunk and some guy hit on her. He was all over her, touchy feely. It ended with me arguing with him, everyone one else saw what was happening and said I was right to question it. (the guy eventually said sorry, but said she came on to him and he thought he was 'in'), after the argument simmered down, she then went back to him, said sorry to him??? and chatted to him for the rest of the evening. I walked out feeling very humiliated & hurt in front of everyone. I couldn't understand what was happening. Next day I contacted her and explained to her my point and how hurt I had been, she seemed to see my point, but had the strange remark ......'At the end of the evening, Im leaving party with you right! so whats problem'?

 

This totally confused me. Is it an eastern european thing? Is it normal to treat their partner like that? I was gob smacked and felt like I was nothing. The relationship went down hill from here. I tried all sorts of romatic gestures, but to no avail. She said if I couldn't trust her, there was no future for us. I tried to explain I just wanted her to be with me and perhaps after what happened at the party, she could maybe see where I was coming from? I thought maybe I was over reacting, but later learned from friends she was well known for being extremley flirty with men in nightclubs before I knew her, but I loved her so much and thought she was feeling the same, I hoped she might grow up a bit and put here partying days behind her (she is in her mid 30s) or at least act a bit more lady like. I feel very hurt and don't really know what I did wrong. I only know that I loved her (and still do) very much, and would do anything for her, even though she treated me like a piece of rubbish. The only thing I may have possibly done wrong was to text and call her to ask what I did wrong and begging to get her back. She asked me to stop, so I did. I still don't have proper closure. I see her occasionally drive past (she lives very close to me) and she looks at me with such bitterness on her face, I go home and spiral into depression. I really don't know what I did wrong. She went from hot to cold in such a short space of time, im totally devestated. I even asked her if there was someone else, to which she said 'definately not'. Its as if she has no emotions/feelings. (which she very much so had before).

 

I now can't sleep, have knightmares, can't eat and the thought of her potentally with someone else is killing me inside. We had got very close intimately and I can't just forget her. She was lovely and I could have seen myself eventaually marrying her

 

Its been over 5/6 weeks since I had contact with her. The only thing keeping me going is my son & friends (who I unfairly neglected whilst with her), who I have to snap out of this for. He can see the pain and its not fair on him, seeing his dad in tears daily is unfair. Im trying to keep it away from him. Im spending time with friends, doing lots of sport, telling myself it will get better, but she's always there in my mind, like an angel, and the question of what I did wrong haunts me every moment of the day Although I hate what she did, I still don't want to say anything nasty about her, because I loved her so much. I don't think I did anything wrong to be honest.

 

My confidence is however zero and I feel like a complete failure, just want the ground to eat me up atm. Problem is, Im not sure I can get over her for a long time. I ended up loving her more in the space of a year, than I did than my ex wife of 13 years, the bond/affection was that good

 

Can't focus on anything. Don't know what to do.

Edited October 24, 2013 by Busybee1

[sad_bubble]

I am from the same country as your ex. This is not an Eastern European thing, what she had done to you. From your story, I am not sure why and when, but she started loosing interest in you. That was the time, when she began to explore the fields. e.g. flirt at the parties and care less what you think of it. I know it's rude, but you see, the more you drink, the less you bother to hide your intentions/feelings/absent-mindness. A woman who is truly in love with you, regadless the nationality, would not do this to you. Now think - would you really want to spend your life with such woman? The one who will flirt with others while drunk and not care what you feel? You deserve better x

[Busybee1]

Thanks. What you say kind of makes sense, but it was just so sudden the change and out of charactor. She was contacting me all the time, I was her proud posession, then it all changed. Unfortunatley alchohol can do nasty things. You right, in the long term, someone who acted like that would not be an ideal long term partner, but the connection was there, and the mental scar in my heart will be there forever. She really was lovely before it went downhill

[ponchsox]

The only thing that will destroy you is yourself.

[Busybee1]

yes, I've come to that conclusion myself. But it is very, very hard to be strong when your feelings for someone are suddenly cut off with no real closure or explanation.

[Busybee1]

Hi Busybee1,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about how this has been affecting you. I know it can be so difficult, especially when we don't feel like we got the closure we wanted or needed. Is there anyone you are close enough to that you are able to talk with about how this has been impacting you? I know you mentioned that writing this all out was helpful for lessening the pain you have been feeling, and I know that being able to have a good, honest talk with someone we are close to, or that we trust and who is willing to listen, can be really helpful for the healing process.

 

How has your son been doing? Was he close to her, too? Or is it mainly hard since he knew she was special to you?

 

Hi Humblejalopy.

 

Yes, I have spoken to friends and family and they have been great, but as soon as Im on my own, I spiral downhill quickly. Anything that reminds me of her triggers the sickness, tightness, shortness of breath feeling in my chest and the desperate grasping at answers that aren't there. Although I've accepted she doesn't want me, I still treasure the thoughts of her pretty face, her charactor, the lovely cuddles & kisses and love making which then move on to the fact she will probably be doing all this with someone else (maybe is already) and the feeling of heartbreak, despare and rejection is even worse. From how it happened, its as if she has a heart of ice. No feelings or emotions. Doesn't make any sense, from how she was so loving and close before

 

Yes, my son is supportive, but can see im down most of the time. He originaly didn't like the idea of me seeing someone, because he still hoped his mum and I may get back together (which would never happen). He met her and liked her very much, and was beginning to accept her as my partner. He actually said 'Dad, she's really nice'.

 

The thing that hurts the most atm, is imagining her with someone else, giving him all the things she gave me. The thought of her going out partying/clubbing and men moving in on her, and her reacting to them I feel forgotten, rejected and of no value. ... but I still hope at the back of my mind (which I know I mustn't think) that she may think about how much she mean't to me and what we had before ..and may come round to see me later on. I know it won't happen, but im still totally in love with her, and can't see my feelings changing for some time. Its pure torture, and the worst emotional time of mylife tbh

Edited October 26, 2013 by Busybee1

[Busybee1]

Just as I think im feeling better, bang! actually cried for an hour today. Know she's going to a few big parties this coming weekend. The thought of her meeting someone else is pure excrutiating torture. Feel physically sick

 

Feel even lower than 3 weeks back.

 

Beam me up Scotty!

[sambo77]

Just as I think im feeling better, bang! actually cried for an hour today. Know she's going to a few big parties this coming weekend. The thought of her meeting someone else is pure excrutiating torture. Feel physically sick

 

Feel even lower than 3 weeks back.

 

Beam me up Scotty!

 

Mate...I am so sorry. Reading this post and the one you've written directly above it literally knotted up my own stomach. I am having exactly the same torturous thoughts. It really stings thinking about some other shark moving in.

 

But...it does sometimes help to try to at least think of the other side of the coin too. So she meets another dude she likes? Bangs him? Shacks up with him even? Any issues she had prior to that are unlikely to have vanished. Will she really, be in a better predicament? Will she really live in peaceful bliss for the rest of her life with the next dude to sniff around her? Not sure about yours, but knowing my ex, I doubt it.

[Busybee1]

Its a gut renching feeling Sad thing is, im a decent person, and would love to see her happy. That is all I wanted to make her feel. I could never say anything bad against her. I just wish it was me she wanted. From seeing the sort of low lifes in pubs and clubs who tried to hit on her and are only after one thing, whilst I was with her, I can't see her finding 'the one' any time soon.

 

Come the weekend, I will probbly have a few pints to try and forget what she's up to

[Busybee1]

Thank you. I will take a read.

 

The hardest thing will be seeing her with someone else. Who ever that person is, I envy him very much, and am extremely heartbroken and jealous.

 

It pains me to say it, but I hope he looks after her, and makes her happy.

 

I wrote her a letter, some weeks ago which ended 'Im always here if you need me'. I can't do any more than that.

[Busybee1]

Thank you once again. They have a counciler at my local surgery, who I might make an appointent with. Its not getting any better tbh. Atm, Im having bad dreams (nightmares) about her in situations meeting other people. Its so vivid and I wake up in a panic, crying. Also she drops her son off at a friends 1 door down from me fairly often, which isn't helping at all. I think im beginning to get over it, then I see her car and it all wells up and I drop right back down The NC recommendation is out of my control. I can't stop her from going about her business, but right near my doorstep is very hard to take. In fact its torture.

 

God I love her so much, which counts for nothing when she has forgotten me like im a piece of garbage

[Brown-Eyez]

I know how that feels, and I am hurting with you for it. I hate the way that feels. It can, like you mentioned, feel so literally gut-wrenching at times. Have you let yourself really feel those raw emotions? Rather than trying to keep them at bay? Sometimes allowing ourselves a moment (or three or four) like that can be really cathartic, especially when we are processing such strong emotions. You might also like to look over a piece called "Heartbreak Therapy" written by a gal named Sarah Hinlicky, as I think she did a good job of breaking down (in both serious and humorous ways) the processing of pain after hard breakups.

 

this ^^ was a very helpful post, thank you!

thanks for including the great link--really excellent read!

[Busybee1]

 

How are you doing BusyBee? Have you had any progress on the healing journey? I've been praying for some positive progress for you.

 

Thanks for concern mate, Much appreiciated.

 

Had ups and downs. Keep dreaming shes come back to me. Horrible to wake up to realising the truth

 

I find after excercising (I gym 3 times a week) I feel much better for a while, then it slowley creeps back, and the sick feeling appears. I still can't shift the idea in my head of her meeting someone else, and the feeling of being forgotten. I know it will heal in time, but I keep kiding myself im getting better, then something triggers me off, then I right back down to despare.

 

My head tells me, it was a lucky escape, but my heart is my heart, and I loved her so much. I keep telling myself I want to contact her and tell her so, but I know she's already probably forgotten and is already thinking of someone else. (maybe I should feel sorry for him).

[oracle]

Its an Eastern European thing.. They have no souls (kidding)

 

My ex of 16yrs is Polish - I have been all over that country. I do a lot of business in eastern europe. My grandmother was from what then was East Prussia. So I have lots of experience with em.

 

Culturally.. they are different. They are much more detached and matter of fact. To us it looks COLD. to them its normal.

[Busybee1]

Its an Eastern European thing.. They have no souls (kidding)

 

My ex of 16yrs is Polish - I have been all over that country. I do a lot of business in eastern europe. My grandmother was from what then was East Prussia. So I have lots of experience with em.

 

Culturally.. they are different. They are much more detached and matter of fact. To us it looks COLD. to them its normal.

 

Thanks for insight. Its helps a little I guess, and possibly answers a few doubts I had in my mind. I noticed she seemed kind of cold in her decisions when I was with her, even though she did cry when we split, she didn't like seeing me upset, in a bad way, perhaps suggesting that I seemed weak minded. (ie, I know from friends that Russian woman like strong minded men). I can't help my emotions. Im physically a very strong person, but emotionally, i'm wide open. Maybe it was doomed from the start

[Busybee1]

It isn't a bad thing to feel emotions easily, even though it can hurt like the dickens in the hard times. It's still a part of who you are, and allowing the emotions to run their course (in a healthy way, of course) is normal and helpful in the long run.

 

How is the prospect of the weekend looking for you now that it is upon us, Busybee1? Any plans? Maybe do something with your son?

 

Dreading tomorrow night. Knowing she'll be at a party, getting drunk, flirting, then ... oh god! its like a dagger in the heart.

 

My son is ok. We are doing lots of stuff together. Trying to keep a brave face in front of him.

 

I have to admit, this is the lowest point in my life so far

[sambo77]

Dreading tomorrow night. Knowing she'll be at a party, getting drunk, flirting, then ... oh god! its like a dagger in the heart.

 

My son is ok. We are doing lots of stuff together. Trying to keep a brave face in front of him.

 

I have to admit, this is the lowest point in my life so far

 

Ditto Busy...dreading this weekend because I know she's out there doing exactly the same thing you're suggesting. Makes me shudder just reading your comments about the party

 

You know, I think Oracle has a point about the cultural differences. My son's mum was Russian (together for 9 years). I lived in Moscow for 2 years with her too. She definitely expected me to be unemotional and viewed emotional expression on my part as a definite weakness. She would often like to remind me how Russian women (when married) are "zamuzhem"...which literally translates into "behind the husband"...as if he is a rock that shields them. She definitely viewed me that way, on some deep level. I definitely felt a cultural tendency (although clearly there are exceptions) for Eastern European women to view men that way.

 

Will keep you in mind this weekend buddy...stay strong. I'm gonna go see the fireworks with my son.

[Chi townD]

Dreading tomorrow night. Knowing she'll be at a party, getting drunk, flirting, then ... oh god! its like a dagger in the heart.

 

My son is ok. We are doing lots of stuff together. Trying to keep a brave face in front of him.

 

I have to admit, this is the lowest point in my life so far

 

 

Best thing you can do is go to the party. Don't outwardly ignore her, just go about your business. Even if it's killing you, put on a face that is happy and having a good time. She MAY get a little pissed and she MAY outwardly flirt with guys in front of you. She may even make it a point to. But, you have it make it look as if it's no big deal. Water off a ducks ass.

 

You need to put on a Oscar worthy performance. If she approaches you. Be nice, but direct and to the point. Only give short answers and then, move on to someone else.

[Busybee1]

Was starting to feel a little better, but then out of now where experiencing total loss of interest in what im doing and sickness in the pit of my stomach, then tears. Also constant dreams im back with her, which really make waking up bad & depressing.

 

Can't seem to get away from it. Went out with some friends and some really pretty girl started chatting to me. Didn't even dent the surface. All I could think about was my ex

[smuggy95]

whenever you think of her...stop. Stop. you're putting the dagger in your own heart. do what forrest gump did and just go running. Run. or drop and do pushups.

 

The person you know is gone. Whoever is out partying around is someone else, just happens to look like her.

[Busybee1]

whenever you think of her...stop. Stop. you're putting the dagger in your own heart. do what forrest gump did and just go running. Run. or drop and do pushups.

 

The person you know is gone. Whoever is out partying around is someone else, just happens to look like her.

 

Yes, doing all sorts of sport. Always feel better after heavy gym sessions (3 a week). ..but it slowly comes back. Problem is, as time goes on, all your friends and family get bored of hearing about it, so in a way, if you still are affected badly (as I am), it can actually become harder.

 

My friends say its her loss etc etc, but I have nothing bad to say or think of her. Can't bring myself to.

[Chi townD]

Wait! Wait....wait! What happened at the party? No follow up report?

[Busybee1]

Wait! Wait....wait! What happened at the party? No follow up report?

 

I have no idea. I have NC as advised. Tbh, I don't want to know. Can't take any more hurt. Don't think I could go any lower.

[Busybee1]

Update:

 

Its been over 2 months now. I was getting better. Beginning to accept she was no longer in my life. Alas, it has all come back to me. I feel worse than before. Have sickness and tightness in my chest daily. It happens when I get reminded of her, and it doesn't help she has a friend almost next door to me who she parks outside. Every time I see her car, I well up and feel like a train haz crashed into my chest. I can't get her out of my mind if she's there. Its pure torture I can't escape from I don't want to move, but have such a strong feeling for her still, I really am at a major low now. Its got to the point where im apprehensive about going outside the front of my house for fear of seeing her. I know it sounds sad and pathetic, but I really fell for her hook line and sinker. God this is a **** time never been hit this hard mentally.

[fixing]

I had a similar kinda experience too m8. I fell for a Slovakian woman who made a beeline towards me the first time we met. I thought i was the luckiest guy alive. I let her move in with me and we lived together for 15 months. She was totally possessive of me and i seemed to be her life, she was complete.

 

I did nothing but boost her confidence everyday, told her she was beautiful, taught her English, basically did my utmost to make her feel loved, protected and cared for everyday.

 

She too, (and this is DEFINITELY A EASTERN EUROPEAN THING) had loads of male Slovakian 'friends' who would call her regularly and message her etc.

That bothered me at first, but i vowed not to become Jealous. Anyways, i never questioned her when she stayed weekends at these male 'friends' houses.

 

Fast forward to the 15 month, i could feel the relationship had become a little rocky, lack of communication from us both, and the general recession was taking its toll. At least, that was my understanding.

 

Anyway, she came back from a christening (Special Slovak Christening) that i was not invited too. She was very cold and wouldnt even kiss me on return. I put up with it for a week and did my thing (Working at home online).

She was incessantly facebooking what i assumed was a new Slovak from from that christening. Well, curiosity got the better of me and i opened her facebook (THE ONLY TIME EVER I SNOOPED)

 

And BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. She was heartlessly reminicsing with some guy half her age about the great sex they had, and jovially joking about whether it went undetected.....

 

I was ****ing destroyed... I woke her up and kicked her out at 3 a.m. She wasnt even apolegtic and simply left.

After 5 following weeks of calls from her about Nothing, i started NC, that was 14 months AGO.

 

She went from this amazing East European woman who loved this English man to death, to a cold hearted cheating bitch out of nowhere. Some people have tried to tell me, it was perhaps my fault, she got bored etc, BULL****. I was nothing short of amazing to her throughout the 15 months.

 

Anyways, it turns out, that some of these male friends she would 'socialise' with, she was actually ****ing too.

 

While i was destroyed, alone on christmas, mourning, like you, she had already found her new catch, the husband of her best friend..... And they are still together...

 

So OP, realise, these Eastern European woman are culturally very different to us over in west Europe.

My experience of them, and i have dated ALOT of them, is they are emotionally detached in relationships, they seem to go from one relationship to the next pretty quickly and they hold different values and morals when it comes to relationships.

They are very tough, resilient and strong headed. They are very beautiful too lol.

 

One thing that bothers me still about my own situation, is her other Eastern female friends, who became close to me this last year. They didnt seem to think my ex's betrayals was a big deal, and it was something i certainly should have gotten over in a few weeks/months.

 

Anyways, i hope my own story gives you a little comfort knowing that i have similiar pain and shared grief.

 

You gotta stay no contact man, and accept that she isnt the one for you.