Grass is greener Contemplations

[jhigh420]

I met a young sexy beautiful 20yo woman last September and we hit it off right away. From the first date it was clear we had a lot in common. We enjoyed doing the same things, but most importantly there was a powerful chemistry that's still here to this day. Well, maybe that's not the most important. I'm a single father of a disabled child whose mother has abandoned him and she fell as much in love with my son as she did with me. She wants kids but can't seem to have any.

 

Anyways, she wasn't that sexually experienced, but her inexperience was a huge turn on to me. Too many promiscuous women out there...well that can't keep their mouths shut about it. Anyways I thought she was fantastic she can be kind of a bitch sometimes but I've never known a woman(some men too) who's not bitchy sometimes, so please don't take offense.

 

After 6 months of dating, I proposed to her and she moved in with me. I know that's moving fast but I thought I was sure about this girl...and she seemed sure about me as well. You know, if it's meant to be it's meant to be. The early bird gets the worm. Started from the bottom now we here. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Well, that last cliche doesn't apply until our breakup, but the other two are fairly appropriate here.

 

Here's where it gets crazy. 3 of my nieces and a female cousin came over my house one morning drunk in January and jumped her because they were jealous of my relationship with her. They felt I was choosing an outsider over family in certain situations - mainly who lived with me. I kicked out a couple deadbeat nephews in order to move her in with me. She didn't demand it, I just wanted privacy, dammit. The whole them attacking her physically that kind of pushed me to propose as well because she stuck by me - in your face psycho would be deciders of my girlfriend!

 

Well around May I started distancing myself from her(slept on the couch, argued, turned down sex) because she kept these male friends around that I knew would kill to get a chance with her. The way I saw it was why is she keeping these guys around and we're about to get married and they're just causing relationship problems? Why arent you telling these guys you have a boyfriend? Male friends that I interacted with and could see how they interacted I had no problem with...but bull**** like calls after 10pm pissed me off. The f*** do I care if you went to elementary school with some guy and he used to be your best friend? Don't give out your number, if he was your best friend you never would have lost contact!! Keep it on facebook chick! Was I wrong here?

 

At the time she saw the whole male friends issue as being controlling and along with me distancing myself and fighting everyday for a couple weeks in the beginning of June she broke up with me. I really couldn't say much because I was berated for my family jumping her, which wasn't my fault. Two of my neices went to jail and who do you think pulled the girl off her? Me!! Also she said I was too controlling but then why in the hell did she tell me she wanted to be controlled when we first started dating? CONFUSION!!! Anyways I was devastated, but hey, life goes on.

 

When I met her she had nothing, and I got her a job. I bought her clothes. I was patient for a long time about the male friends issue. I did a lot for this woman and relationship. And now, she was leaving me.

 

I loved her and she loves my son and vice versa so I didn't go NC I remained friends even though it hurt to see she started dating again. She claimed these 2 exes and one new guy who came in and out of her life during our breakup were just "friends," but I knew better. A couple days ago she admitted she was sexually active with them(3 in two months ew that's slutty no wonder she felt different *throwup*) trying to get over me. It pisses me off because she did the typical mixed signals thing women do during a breakup - we had sex a couple times talking of getting back together telling me she loved me but I told her I didn't buy none of it unless she moved back in with me, and she refused.

 

She wanted that single life, to see if the grass was greener.

 

Smh...anyways I did the same thing hooked up with a couple girls but it was no comparison because all I ever wanted was for her to come back to me(i didn't know about her promiscuity) and believe me she wouldn't she wanted to see what else was out there.

 

Well lo and behold towards the end of July I told her it was time for us to end our friendship and her tone changed...she's sorry and wanted to come back. None of those guys could compare to me...but I still feel like a second(4th) choice. I still eventually took her back in August. Now she's lil ms. perfect sweet and loving she gives me things she never even considered like control over her finances and sex whenever I want it. Not that I asked for her to do these things, but still, it has an impact.

 

Her telling me the truth about the sex has an impact too. I know I would have ran the other way if I had known at the time, but I still hate that she lied to me for a month about it. She only told me because I kept hounding her about it. She'd make comments like I was wrong for what I did, implying the dating, but I knew in my gut so I demanded the truth. Would that I had played the fool instead!

 

She deleted all her contacts out her phone changed her number her email address and deleted her facebook, all without me asking her to(I did ask her to change her number). She said she did this to avoid the drama of the male friends, but something about it just doesn't feel right. Why can't you have male friends at all is the temptation too great? I only complained about these guys I knew were trying to f*** her.

 

My thing is, the whole dynamic of the relationship is different now. Whereas before I would look at her as someone to spend the rest of my life with, now I look at her as how long are we going to last before we break up. Now I look at her as what if we did get married and I died in a couple months you'd be screwing an ex or the next guy. Now I look at her as hell no I don't want to have kids with you even if we could. She says I don't love her anymore, but I do love her. I just don't trust her anymore.

 

With all this being said, I'm not going to dump this girl. A second breakup is not going to hurt me now because I am holding my feelings, and mainly, trust back. But she's still here walking around with her ring on doing everything it takes to make this relationship work. Wait 7 years to marry me? Ok(more likely forever how I feel right now). Let me have a girlfriend on the side? Ok(I wouldnt I do love her and only her). Besides for our breakup and her lying, she's been so good to me and she'll do anything to keep me. If anyone read my story and has comments I'd welcome them.

 

Some points I'd like to hear about:

Was I wrong about the male friends issue? Why cut off all your male friends over a few problem ones/ Am I being real with myself- will I ever be able to trust and fully love her again?

 

Any advice or comments?

[juicygirl]

WTF. This isn't a relationship. it's a mess. She's hoop jumping for you like an idiot, but to be honest you sound like a controlling douche bag, probably why she cheated on you. Yes, deleting fb and all her male contacts is a bit bizzare, she didn't want you to see something.

 

She's 20 years old, I think you're putting too many unrealistic expectations on her. What she wants now probably won't be the same in 5,6 or 7 years.

 

I know you're hurting, but man the way you talk about her, the comment about not caring that she can't have kids etc and all this need to control her? What would she think if she read this. Sounds like you don't want her but you don't want her to be with no one else either. Do her a favor, dump her and go see a shrink.

I just can't understand why you're wasting each others time and playing silly games if you don't trust her!

[jhigh420]

WTF. This isn't a relationship. it's a mess. She's hoop jumping for you like an idiot, but to be honest you sound like a controlling douche bag, probably why she cheated on you. Yes, deleting fb and all her male contacts is a bit bizzare, she didn't want you to see something.

 

She's 20 years old, I think you're putting too many unrealistic expectations on her. What she wants now probably won't be the same in 5,6 or 7 years.

 

I know you're hurting, but man the way you talk about her, the comment about not caring that she can't have kids etc and all this need to control her? What would she think if she read this. Sounds like you don't want her but you don't want her to be with no one else either. Do her a favor, dump her and go see a shrink.

I just can't understand why you're wasting each others time and playing silly games if you don't trust her!

 

I never said I don't care that she can't have kids. I said I didn't want any with her anymore. If she read my post well that's how I feel...I don't want to hurt her feelings but I'm here on this board to get this off my chest and try to get constructive advice. Don't need any from people like you who just fling insults. Thanks, but no thanks.

[jhigh420]

jhigh420,

 

Just read your post and it sounds like you are both really struggling with trusting one another. Trust is at the heart of every good relationship, and if you want it to be great, it might be time for you two to discuss where you're headed. Perhaps even getting some good counsel from an objective third party.

 

If your relationship truly means that much to you and you feel it's worth saving, maybe consider seeking the advice of a trusted friend or counselor -- you know, someone who has been married for a while and got good life experience that you could glean some wisdom from!

 

As for the male friends issue, well, that would be a good thing for you two to sit down and talk about. What are our boundaries? Are we committed to each other for the long haul? If so, what types of boundaries should be in play with other male friendships? Ask yourselves, is it healthy to our relationship to have outside influences right now?

 

I think it all comes down to how committed the both of you are to this relationship. If you feel a future is there, wouldn't you want to start out on pretty healthy footing and make sure you're on the same page? If you both have your own, separate perspectives on what your relationship is without discussing them with one another, then that has the potential to create more tense moments together. Just some things to consider...

 

Great advice! We ARE both commited to the long haul. Thank you...

[pteromom]

I'm scratching my head at the "ewwww slutty" comment when you did the same thing.

 

You say you know if you break up, she's just going to go out and sleep with other guys, but when you broke up, you went out and slept with other girls.

 

???

 

So were you slutty too? And if so, why aren't you are disgusted with yourself as you are with her?

[AlmostFrench]

There are obviously huge trust issues here. But it also doesn't sound like you respect her very much (this is not a dig at you, it is just obvious from the comments you made). You say you a both committed, which is good, but you have both jumped back into the relationship with too many issues.

 

She was honest with you about sleeping with those guys at least - this is where you learn not to ask the question if you don't want the answer! It doesn't make her a slut, have you never had times like that in your life when you got with a lot of women in a short time? Things happen and she is only 20 (and you said wasn't very experienced before), maybe she was getting some experimental stage out of the way.

 

If you want a relationship with her, you need to get over it. I think counseling is a good idea for the two of you. You need to be open and honest with each other or you're not gonna get out of this mess. You are being controlling and hounding her with questions out of insecurities and trust issues, and if you continue she will pull away.