unodos1011 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 My husband says he can't talk to me. It shouldn't be so difficult but I'm trying to figure this out. It's a biggie for me because that was what he said he enjoyed so much about OW's company, it was that he could "talk" to her. I'm going to use a conversation we just had as an example. Some background is that we have 3 kids under 4. I am a stay at home mom and he basically lives out of state but supports us 100% financially. DS was planned, we were happy. DD 2 was unplanned, I was happy but he wasn't. He began affair, things went bad and I told him I wanted my tubes tied but he doesn't want me to. A month before DD1 is born I find out about affair, didn't get my tubes tied but wanted IUD. Missed my appointment due to him having the car which made me late and the dr scheduled appointment for a month later. Are you still with me here?? Hang tight! At my bc appt I find out I'm pregnant. This is when he begins working out of state. He wanted to keep the baby but I didn't so he takes this job out of state, I leave the military to become a stay at home mom, and that's where we are now. I got pregnant again. I had asked him to use condoms because I was getting the IUD and had nothing at the moment. We both knew this. He didn't want to use the condoms and we got caught up in the moment. Completely irresponsible and completely our fault. I know this. I had an abortion. He didn't agree with it and I was very emotional as well but I knew I could not handle another child so soon. I have little to no help, we stay in a 3 bedroom home, we would have to buy another car, we have some extra money each paycheck but with another kid things would be tight financially. Not to mention our marriage just is not healthy right now. So, we get into a huge argument because I want him to be more affectionate. He tells me he doesn't want to hear what I have to say because he hates me right now. I have no idea what he's going through because of the abortion. He tells me in this conversation that I should have been on birth control from the beginning. I've told him before that I didn't feel cut out to be a mom sometimes. He throws this in my face and generally, it's been a common argument for him that we shouldn't have 3 kids because "all I had to do was take a pill, how hard is that?!" I've heard this line many times! By that evening he is being overly sweet bit it feels fake due to the blowup we had. today I tell him I feel anxious. I ask him if there is anything he wants to say/ask. He says he's over it. I try to get him to talk to me because he always says he's over it but then explodes and throws it allll in my face if I come to him about anything (I.e. being more affectionate). So I'm asking questions and he tells me that he doesn't blame me for getting pregnant. ..just for the abortion. When I point out that just yesterday he was screaming at me about not being on birth control he denies it. He has said this to me so many times! I ask why he's in such denial about it. He does blame me for having 3 kids, he blamed me for getting pregnant the 4th time just yesterday. He says this is why he can't talk to me about anything, that I turn it all around on him. How am I suppose to be a good wife and support someone like this? Am I the problem? Does having him talk to me mean that I should sit back and let him avoid any responsibility and agree with it?? His avoidance of responsibility is another big issue...but am I the problem in this situation??
Eivuwan Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Have you guys considered couple's counseling? All I know that problems can't be resolved if it's a one sided effort. You can't make him want to make an effort. You can only decide on what you want to do. 1
M30USA Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I know this can be a big issue. Even for men. My wife criticized all of my interests and hated when I talked about them. So I kind of just stopped. 1
Author unodos1011 Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 I would love to do couple's counseling. We did for a while but my husband is not religious and the counselor tried to incorporate too much of it into the bible. Plus my husband got mad and felt teamed up on when the counselor agreed with me on a certain issue. We went to 5 sessions 2 years ago. Now he works out of state and only has 1 week at home per month. I don't mind his interests, I enjoy how artistic he is and I try to encourage him. Sometimes I feel upset because he has so much self-doubt that he hides it all away. I finally stopped asking to see/hear what he's working on because it never did any good. He did a painting that I loved but he threw it away, he has spent thousands (seriously, $2,500 this month alone) on his guitars and equipment but wont play a single song. When he decided he wanted to paint and draw I bought him a book and supplies, I wrote a note in it saying that he wasn't to throw away a single page because he is better than he thinks. He never used it. He says OW encouraged him to play guitar and he liked that about her. HELLOOOO, I begged for years. Communication is definitely a huge issue but with his inability to go to counseling I don't know what I need to do. As you read, we have 3 kids and I do love him so I'm not walking away. Not ever. I just want to do something right for him. If I were to sit and tell him this, he would hear me say OW and it would turn into an argument about how I always bring her up. Then that he cant do anything right...
Eivuwan Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Honestly, I don't know why you're staying with him.
cocorico Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 My husband says he can't talk to me. It shouldn't be so difficult but I'm trying to figure this out. It's a biggie for me because that was what he said he enjoyed so much about OW's company, it was that he could "talk" to her. As you read, we have 3 kids and I do love him so I'm not walking away. Not ever. I just want to do something right for him. How long ago was the A? Did you consider your M to have been reconciled after the A, before this 4th pregnancy? From what you write, he is either (A) not fully over her yet, and uses her as an (idealised) measure against which to find you lacking. F he continually finds fault with you against some idealised, unattainable other, you will not be able to recover your M because his heart will not be fully invested. Or (B) he considers that he's "done his bit" to reconcile, and now he's latched onto the A as a means of regaining the "moral high ground" that he lost due to his A. He is projecting his own issues onto you, to avoid having to take responsibility himself. Attack is the best form of defence, and of he can destabilise you with accusations about the abortion, he is off the hook for his infidelity. And because you refuse to walk away, he has you over a barrel. You either accept what he dishes out, or.... You can whine beg, plead, cajole, threaten, shout, cry, etc but if he knows you're knot going anywhere, he can pretty much do as he pleases because ultimately he knows you'll accept it. It is not a strong bargaining position you find yourself in, and appeals to his better nature are not going to work because he has already cast you, in his mind, as the baddie, because of the abortion. You love him - do you love how he treats you? Do you love what he is teaching the kids, by doing so? Or do you "love him but wish it were different"? F the latter, the only chance of making it work is for him to be equally invested in recovering the M properly. You cannot do it alone. And right now, from what you write, it seems he holds all the cards and has little reason to want to change things.
Author unodos1011 Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 How long ago was the A? Did you consider your M to have been reconciled after the A, before this 4th pregnancy? From what you write, he is either (A) not fully over her yet, and uses her as an (idealised) measure against which to find you lacking. F he continually finds fault with you against some idealised, unattainable other, you will not be able to recover your M because his heart will not be fully invested. Or (B) he considers that he's "done his bit" to reconcile, and now he's latched onto the A as a means of regaining the "moral high ground" that he lost due to his A. He is projecting his own issues onto you, to avoid having to take responsibility himself. Attack is the best form of defence, and of he can destabilise you with accusations about the abortion, he is off the hook for his infidelity. And because you refuse to walk away, he has you over a barrel. You either accept what he dishes out, or.... You can whine beg, plead, cajole, threaten, shout, cry, etc but if he knows you're knot going anywhere, he can pretty much do as he pleases because ultimately he knows you'll accept it. It is not a strong bargaining position you find yourself in, and appeals to his better nature are not going to work because he has already cast you, in his mind, as the baddie, because of the abortion. You love him - do you love how he treats you? Do you love what he is teaching the kids, by doing so? Or do you "love him but wish it were different"? F the latter, the only chance of making it work is for him to be equally invested in recovering the M properly. You cannot do it alone. And right now, from what you write, it seems he holds all the cards and has little reason to want to change things. Thank you, Cocorico...that's exactly what I needed. I believe he does have some idealized idea of how things should be. I can't say for sure that it is HER, but I do think he liked the way of that relationship, the fantasy land where he has to be nothing more than a friend with benefits. Even though it was also an EA, it was mostly fluff talk. He describes it like a high school relationship. I am not over the A but he constantly says we have more recent and bigger problems to deal with. That's been his excuse right from DDay, there is always something more important that I should be focused on. I've always been the bad guy for one reason or another with him. I've always thought of myself as a strong person, I've always been very independent. I do love him but with 3 children I feel stuck. I gave up my job to become a stay at home mom, if I went back to work right now daycare would cost around $360 a week and I would have to be on government assistance and that makes me uncomfortable. I guess it was unfair of me to say I would never walk away, I do have housing applications in my car right now, I've told him that I don't think we'll be married in another 6 years. He tells me I need him, I let him know I have a plan. I just don't know when I'll get the strength. When things are good I'm pulled back in but then it gets ugly and it feels like I'm insane!
cocorico Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Thank you, Cocorico...that's exactly what I needed. I believe he does have some idealized idea of how things should be. I can't say for sure that it is HER, but I do think he liked the way of that relationship, the fantasy land where he has to be nothing more than a friend with benefits. Even though it was also an EA, it was mostly fluff talk. He describes it like a high school relationship. I am not over the A but he constantly says we have more recent and bigger problems to deal with. That's been his excuse right from DDay, there is always something more important that I should be focused on. I've always been the bad guy for one reason or another with him. I've always thought of myself as a strong person, I've always been very independent. I do love him but with 3 children I feel stuck. I gave up my job to become a stay at home mom, if I went back to work right now daycare would cost around $360 a week and I would have to be on government assistance and that makes me uncomfortable. I guess it was unfair of me to say I would never walk away, I do have housing applications in my car right now, I've told him that I don't think we'll be married in another 6 years. He tells me I need him, I let him know I have a plan. I just don't know when I'll get the strength. When things are good I'm pulled back in but then it gets ugly and it feels like I'm insane! You are a strong person - but right now you find yourself in a weak position, with three small kids. Remember, whether you are together or apart, he still has a duty to support your kids, and if you have given up your job to become a SAHM you may be able to claim rehabilitative maintenance from him until you get back on your feet if you do split up. I'm not suggesting that you should (or that you shouldn't), but as long as he feels you have nowhere to go, he can do what he likes without consequences. If he knows you are considering leaving him, he may be willing to try MC again (with a different counsellor) and make the effort to be the kind of H you need him to be, for yourself and the kids. Whichever way you decide to play it, I hope it works out for you.
cozycottagelg Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 He sounds really rude and unapproachable to me. For someone who had an affair, he doesn't seem remorseful at all, is he? I'd look up the 180 on here...might be worth a shot, change your thinking and your actions and see what happens. Good luck!
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