Elfie Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I haven't been here for a while, alot happened, so in brief, here's a summary, I am struggling to cope, very emotional, can't focus on work, feel nowhere to turn. I was doing well in NC, he must have seen it, suddenly out the blue, W "is going". I help and advise him, but he doesn't seem upset (as it turned out it was a lie). 2 weeks later he says they'll be going away on holdiay. Oh...maybe (as I make excuses for him, it's a make or break thing). I don't want to break NC then it's "she wants me out, hope you'll be there for me blah blah blah..." Then "we're going away, but only up north, to see family, we'll be with others all the time" - just so I don't think he's on his own with her I guess, as that would be worse. Maybe, but now I really do think he's talking BS, so, I find a reason to go talk to his W. Always avoided her, but I really need to know if he's palying me. She's friendly, we have a coffee, and she talks about their life together. Quite alot turns out to be not as he had said. A much nicer marriage of course.....then she tells me they're going abroad for a week in the sun. So no family, and not just "up north". He collars me later, wants to know all she and I said, and manages to find an answer to all the lies I put to him. I don't know who to believe, and he STILL tried to have sex with me in his van. I resist. The last thing his wife said to me was "I hope we can be freinds". My head is all over the place. She DID put him down, but she also talked romantically about him (even told me their wedding song!!). They have also been together 10 years longer than he said and she was still married when they started seeing each other - he said it was a blind date! Whilst he's "up north" I have the first week of being relaxed, free of upset, sleep well etc, so wen he gets back, NC has worked. He continues to try various ways to get my attention, follows me still, turns up all over the place and one day when I went out of the city for the day, he followed me as I returned to my car to find a single rose on my car. I was numb, wondering how do I get rid of him, whilst trying to avoid upset to all, and when I got home, he appeared in frnt of me "as if by chance" as he so often does, and I lost the plit - I started bashing him with this single rose, shouting "Leave me and my car alone!!" "Keep away from me!!" His W was in her room at the front of the house, but it was dark and I had hoped the whole neighbourhood would see us. But no one seems to. He laid low for a couple of days but has since started up again and my bravado ahs gone, he's warn me down and I'm stuck weepy, stressed and a mess. I know I deserve it, but it was never something I went into willingly - if there is such a thing as grief-fog, I know I had that, as before my mum doed I was fighting him and trying to keep him away. I thought he was a good guy but he wasn't. Now he's won. I can't find any strength anymore. Sorry for long post, please helpor advise? thank you x
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 He hasn't won..Yet. You can win by realizing this guy IS a scummy person and he is using you selfishly to make sure you're still into him and will be there for him when he needs his ego fed or when things aren't great in his marriage. The thing is, he IS living life with his wife. Going on holidays, doing family stuff.. That is not a guy who is looking to leave and divorce. That's a selfish person who doesn't care about hurting you or what this push/pull game does to you. Seriously consider changing your cell number or if you can't do that, block him. Call your phone company and see if that's possible. He isn't worthy of your care, your effort, your kindness. He isn't thinking about you like you're thinking about him. TELL yourself this so you'll get fed up, pissed off and cut him out of your life. 3
Author Elfie Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Thank you Whichway x I've blocked his number, he left a few voicemails (my phone blocks calls but not vm) and it's funny how whiney he sounds this side of the situation. I didn't respond (I used to find it REALLY difficult to not respond, and then one day I realised he jsut never took notice of anything I said or felt and I cottoned on how pointles it was trying to reason with this type of character). By not responding to his voicemail he eventually gave up that avenue. (result!) You are right. I just need to try and keep it together until he gets the same message physically/in person. It's really hard to sit by and see everyone treating him like mr good guy, husband of the year, neighbour of the decade, mr family man....yet he's spread it around that I'm to be avoided. And I am, my previously friendly neighbours cross the street, exclude me and turn their backs when I emerge from my door. That's what's harming me most, mentally and how worthless I feel. But I know nothing in this life would EVER make me want to be near him again. Sometimes learning the hard way is the best way, just doesn't feel it at the time.
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I feel for you, being shunned like that is not cool. Even more so that he's made you out to be the bad guy. Unfortunately much of society seems to hold an OW/OM just as responsible, if not more, by choosing to get involved with someone who they know is already married. Your neighbours are not your true friends, if they were, they would be supportive and staying out of it completely, not shunning and ignoring you. That has to hurt a lot. He's a real shi.t to paint you in the worst light as possible. As hard as it is, suck it up the best you can around them, pretend all is great, seem (pretend) to be happy and wish them well in your mind. I say this so you won't beat up on yourself..You do not deserve that kind of treatment by them, or anybody. Being ignored on purpose is one cruel thing to do to another human being.
Author Elfie Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Thank you whichway for taking the trouble to talk to me. No one else has, and that just reinforces even more, all that I am feeling right now - not worthy of anything and the lowest of the low. Several rapes, one anally, violent and abusive parents, violent, cheating husband, then an even worse partner, childless (lost due to being kicked when pregnant) and friendless - yet I still get judged for wanting affection from a b*****d.
blue963 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 You can do this. If you ever want to connect, reach out. I think the most difficult part of ending these relationships is the feeling that no one is there to comfort or support you with what you are going through.
whereamigoing Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Honestly, this guy makes me feel yucky. You need to find a way to change or refocus your feelings towards him. Whenever you see him or hear his voice...picture him as a big adult baby. In diapers. It may sound ridiculous but if you can do it the allure of him as a romantic partner will dissolve and you can be free of him. You've faced a lot in your life...you've got this. If he persists either file a police report or tell the wife.
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