High Expectations or Wrong Men?

[Chica411]

My fiance and I broke up 3 years ago, and have a child together. Since then my love life has been a non stop disaster. I'm not afraid to admit that i know I'll never really get over him, but we've parted for reasons. At this point I just don't know if my expectations are too high, or if I'm just not meeting the right person. I've spent time on me, I'm comfortable being single. My son and I have our own apartment, and I enjoy living on our own. I want a relationship that remains passionate and exciting, I want to feel special. I need a boyfriend who is there for me when I'm down, and who makes time for me.

 

One person I dated ended up being hooked on steroids. Another was a compulsive liar. A month long "thing" I broke off because he wanted marriage and children, within months he was engaged. My relationship now seemed to start off great. He was warm, open, eager to spend time with me. But two months in and I feel like it's more one sided. I mentioned the other day I was miserable about something, and he replied talking about his hand. Often when I talk about feelings he replies with "sorry to hear that." I asked for a date night, and he not only didn't answer, but changed the subject twice, and became upset that I wasn't responsive to one of the replies asking how i was. But I couldn't focus on that! We are both single parents so time together is so so limited. I just don't feel an effort. We could meet up at the mall for an hour or so, he could have made plans already for Friday. Also to him love means you want to be with person forever, so while he hasn't begun to fall, you'd think at two months he would say things like I'm special to him, cute things that are unique, not just the "typical" good morning beautiful, thinking of you and what not. I'm frustrated and upset. I know I'm falling for him, and he is divorced, for 3 years now. We were talking 2 years ago and we weren't ready. Also I was ok that he was on the fence about marriage and children as I was too, but now I just don't know what i want.

 

Wow that was long! I feel that I've taken this relationship slow, and there were no red flags. Actually no about two weeks ago when I said why no flirting he said, "Well I have you" and I told him now we have to try and keep each other. He did pick it up again a little bit. Two months isn't an awfully long time. I need warmth, and to be cared for. Am I being picky? Asking for too much? Should I give him some more time or take this shutting down and run? I don't feel I nag, nitpick or critisize, and am pretty good at the push and pull thing, I don't relationships you work together. I don't want to waste time and invest a lot and end up hurt.

 

Also I don't feel that I've dated too much or bounced around. But honestly at this point I want to begin a One Year Single and Celibate project. :/

[Sanman]

Take this opinion with a grain of salt as I am not a single parent and may have no idea what I am talking about. However, it occurs to me that you are looking for the same things in a relationship that you did before you kids entered the picture. Guys without children likely are not going to want to be your second priority and it will be a problem if you expect them to make you their first priority. This guy is also a single parent, so it may be healthier because you both need to prioritize children. It is not wrong to want more romance and effort in the relationship, but you have to consider how much energy can be put into that given the circumstances and perhaps decide on which things are really important to make the relationship work and which would nice, but are not a priority given the kids and other responsibilities.

[LuvsTrucks2]

I have no advice regarding children, however a very wise woman told me that you cannot have expectations for a person because those expectations are what you want them to be, you can only expect from them what they are capable of. I learned that my expectations were way to high for the individual as a whole, they weren't based upon what the personal was actually capble of providing. It was an ah ha moment for me.

[theothersully]

I have no advice regarding children, however a very wise woman told me that you cannot have expectations for a person because those expectations are what you want them to be, you can only expect from them what they are capable of. I learned that my expectations were way to high for the individual as a whole, they weren't based upon what the personal was actually capble of providing. It was an ah ha moment for me.

 

This! This is what more people need to learn.

 

Get to know people for who they are and allow them to be themselves. If you like who they are, great. If not, find someone who you do like.

[Assasda]

I think he's cautious, thats about it. If you keeping giving that love, he'll give it back

[kenneth1010]

Also to him love means you want to be with person forever, so while he hasn't begun to fall, you'd think at two months he would say things like I'm special to him, cute things that are unique, not just the "typical" good morning beautiful, thinking of you and what not. I'm frustrated and upset.

 

Do you say anything to him that is " unique ".

[Chica411]

Yes I do say unique things. I'm a very romantic person, and I don't expect the exact same. I think my frustration is that most people start off strong then taper off, but usually too soon and too much. I've (dork moment) read relationship books, and also looked into emotionally unavailable as that felt like a pattern. Doug started to make comments when I had ideas, even if playful suggestions, like "It doesn't have to be all about sex" or "If I see you during the day why come over at night." Just things that were very blunt, and it seems too early to be worried about stuff like that. Even if the romantic phase moves onto the next, I feel that I shouldn't be anxious wondering if I'm going to get shot down, or if he's in the mood for flirtatious things, or feelings.

 

I'm not expecting him to bow down to me. To send me flowers, pamper me, think of me all day and night and write love poems. But I can barely get him to call twice a week. It sucks having a texting relationship, and some of those texts I try and express how I feel and he barely reacts. It's so hard! Visits are so limited. I already understand and am ok with hanging out at my house because I know we have kids. But those nights he has off and it can result in a date I feel that should come first.

 

Also at first I was secure knowing he's only been in love once. But now it worries me, I think at two months the process should at least begin, he said he's crazy about me. But don't you slowly fall over the months? I'm scared I'm wasting my time if he views love so serioulsy as forever. I said there is in love, then being in love but he doesn't think it is a process.

 

So I think what I have to do as people are suggesting. Is to admit that he moves at a snails pace and gives very little by little, bit by bit. I can only hope that he is emotionally available, but he is very guarded. I'm a person who needs warmth, and a relationship taht moves at a decent pace. You don't ahve to love everyone, and shouldn't. But I feel at two months (little over 3 months talking) there shouldn't be slowing down, or if the romance tapers off something else should pick up. Maybe more phone calls. Or at least tell me once what you are feeling. Sometimes it's just too friendly. So I guess I have to decide if I have the patience and confidence, or if I prefer someone a little more open to making the relationship feel like something more then written texts and the occasional call and visit.

[Bigcitydreamer]

I've often wondered if my expectations are too high or if I just can't find a guy who treats me how I want to be treated. I stil don't really know the answer but afte reading your story I'm inclined to believe we just aren't meeting the right people.

 

How many girls dump guys because they aren't being treated how they want? I expect a fair amount. It takes someone strong to walk away from someone who isn't necessarily doing anything terrible, but still not treating you right.

 

Do you have friends who have boyfriends that treat them like gold? I do.. I also hav friends who have crappy boyfriends but they are just in a situation like you or I. People show their love in different ways, people have different expectations and needs. You have to ask yourself is HE making YOU happy? Because you can't change ur expectations. I've tried, doesn't really work.

 

I might be high maintenance which sucks but I guess I just have to find a guy who is 100% ok with that and loves me enough to do the things that make me happy. I don't think your expectations sound too high at all by the way. One of my best friends is so high maintenance it's insane. I've wondered how she keeps boyfriends so well because she really puts up with no crap. She dumped a lot of guys. As soon as they crossed a boundary for example not calling her when she wanted without legit reasons she would dump them and mourn the loss and move on. She is now engaged to a very attractive guy who is a catch in every area. She gets to be herself, she gets to set boundaries, she gets her needs met. She knows her fiancé loves her and will do what it takes to make her happy. I want to be that girl.

 

It's just hard to find someone who is actually worth it. Most relationships in life fail except for the one you marry (and that's if that even goes according to plan). Don't be ashamed of your needs because there is someone who has the same needs and same feelings about things and they will be the best person for you. I wish I could follow my own advice, it's a lot easier being on the outside looking in.