Why Do I Still Love Someone Who Lied to Me; Cheated on me; and Then Was Mean to Me

[Csmith224422]

She lied to me the whole time about being in a relationship with someone else. She was with the other guy for 2+ years but then lied to me that she broke up with him. She even went on a two week trip with him. When she came back she broke up with him for 3 months but then started seeing us bother again.

 

She broke up with me after a month of seeing us both again. I found out the truth. . . she lied some more . ..then finally admitted it and then was so mean to me after the fact.

 

I'm beginning the healing process and leaving her alone. But I don't get why I even care still . . . it makes me angry at myself.

[Philosoraptor]

You were connected to this person, it's not something that just disconnects right away. With time you will learn forgiveness and find peace with the situation. Just use your knowledge to stay away from her and continue to move on with happiness in your own life.

[Csmith224422]

How is someone, who is 28 and well educated, capable of being so cruel and feeling no remorse?

 

She did all of this to me and basically told me that she doesn't even think about it and its like she has no conscious (those were her exact words). Then proceeds to say "I know its not an excuse but I had a effed up life"

 

She was with him and send me nude pictures of herself. I dont get how someone could act like that. I wish I understood it all.

[Assasda]

If you dont allow yourself to be treated a certain way, you wont be. If you allow it, you will be

Edited October 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mario79]

That is just being cruel to you, and purpose trying to hurt you. How long where you together?

 

Its ok to admit how you feel, and dont feel ashamed of it. Just let it out.

[Philosoraptor]

How is someone, who is 28 and well educated, capable of being so cruel and feeling no remorse?

 

She did all of this to me and basically told me that she doesn't even think about it and its like she has no conscious (those were her exact words). Then proceeds to say "I know its not an excuse but I had a effed up life"

 

She was with him and send me nude pictures of herself. I dont get how someone could act like that. I wish I understood it all.

The longer you concern yourself with her and the past, the longer you will be miserable. Stop worrying about what happened before and put your focus on what to do from here.

 

You either choose to focus on the past and be miserable, or choose to focus on yourself, the future, and possible happiness. But remember, it's your choice. If you're miserable you are choosing to be so.

[Csmith224422]

We were together for 7 months. Knew each other for a year. She told me she had a crush on me while she was with the other guy but I told her I wasn't that type of guy. She told me a week later that she broke up with him - I found out later that it was all a lie.

 

I'm making the steps now to get past this... I feel terrible. We had plans to move in, she was talking marriage and kids all the time. And she even made me tell my mom about her (even though I told her it was a big deal for me and that I never told my mom about any girl I've dated).

 

I just dont get why someone would make me do all that for them and then crush me like that.

 

Before I found out about the lies, right after we broke up, she was telling my friends how much she missed me and loved me and that maybe wed get back together....

 

Then I find out about the lies...and she becomes even more cruel to me.

[forgetmenot75]

Does it really matter why she did what she did right now?

No, it doesn't matter at all.

You better start thinking why you fall prey to such a person. You now know the truth. you are free to start seeking your own happiness.

[Mario79]

She has her issues, and you should be happy that they will now not be your issues. I know you want answers, we all do. Right now you know she is hurting you on purpose and sounds like she will continue to do so if you show her its affecting you.

[reddragon588]

I work in marketing. We do an exercise on occasion where we take a client facing material and highlight things in red and blue. Everywhere it talks about us or our company or me, it is highlighted in red. Whenever it says something about the customer or you, it is highlighted in blue. Obviously the goal is to have it covered in blue with minimal red.

 

You should try this in reverse, highlighting me in blue and her in red, with the majority hoping to be blue. Right now if I went through what you're writing it would mostly be red.

 

This exercise might help you get your mind off her and reroute your thoughts.

[Never Again]

1 in every 25 people is a sociopath.

 

Just a fact of life. Some people actually don't have consciences.

 

Not something to concern yourself with any further.

[Dinozzo925]

I'm in a similar situation. My ex fiancee had a one night stand with my best friend, lied to me about it for two months, and then tried to win me back with what started as sweet gestures and ended in mental/physical harassment and more lies. It almost worked even though I was already seeing someone smarter, classier and honest. Luckily I got through it and am still with this new girl.

 

Try not to get frustrated or angry with yourself for continuing to harbor feelings for your ex. You've suffered betrayal..but also loss. When you were with her you thought she was X person, and now you've realized that this person didn't actually exist. You aren't mourning who she turned out to BE, but who you thought she WAS. In a very real sense you've lost the companion you thought you had...It's as if that person died.

 

And that's really the first step of the healing process, is to think of the girl you loved as dead, deceased, gone. When you talk to your ex you're talking to someone who is self-centered, selfish, immature and altogether toxic...not the girl you would have allowed yourself to fall in love with.

 

But also, just like a death, you're going to feel like **** for a while no matter what you find out, how many times you talk to her, or even how justified you feel. You can speed up the process by facilitating healthy habits...eating right, sleeping well and exercising (a healthy mind is a happy mind). Just keep moving man, anything to distract yourself.

 

I also think you can speed up the process by putting yourself back out there. Go to bars and meet new people, let your friends set you up on blind dates, create an OKCupid profile and just look at who is in your area...anything. If this girl was two timing you I bet you she treated you like **** in other ways that you noticed too (people who lie are almost always really unstable, which makes them ****ty partners in general). Maybe she never cooked for you? Maybe she never cleaned? Maybe she wasn't very hygienic? Maybe she constantly put you down? Whatever it is, it won't be hard to find someone who is going to exceed your expectations because this girl probably set them really really low. For example, the new girl I'm seeing makes the bed every morning after she stays over, has cooked for me (and brings over wine) on nights when I have to work late at home, and keeps her distance from other guys who are pursuing her. These are all things my ex never did, which puts things in perspective pretty clearly.

 

There's light at the end of the tunnel.

[Csmith224422]

Yeah - I'm just in such shock. She was the first one I ever thought about marriage and kids with. This pain is so unbearable.

[Dinozzo925]

Cut all contact with her, stay away from the bottle and drugs, get together with family and friend constantly, start trying to see someone new to get your confidence back.

 

This is going to hurt, for a while. The only choice you get to make is 1) Is this going to be something you get up from or something you carry into every relationship and 2) how long is it going to take you to get up.

[Csmith224422]

I just dont get it. She told me all these bad stories about him. It makes me feel like crap that she chose him over me.

 

I just wish we could at least talk and end this nicely. She probably thinks im an obsessive freak.

[Dinozzo925]

You're not an obsessive freak, you're really hurt and you're trying to find relief in anyway possible. Right now you think that the way to stop your pain is to be around her, so of course you are going to try that. You're not weird, you're completely relatable.

 

CS, Talking to your ex is not going to bring you relief.

 

Take a step outside yourself man. Look at how ****ty she treated you. You can't "end this nicely" because there is nothing she can give you anymore. You have two choices, you can stay away from her and go through the breakup/withdrawal process or you can get back with her and hate yourself for being with someone who you aren't proud of and who, frankly, doesn't respect you. If you do get back with her she will cheat on you down the line, we both don't even question this.

 

The first option hurts more right now, but with time you will be ok.

 

The second option is going to hurt until either she removes herself from you or you die.

 

If this was a healthy relationship you wouldn't be putting up with this bull****, but it certainly looks like a toxic relationship. Breaking out from these types of relationships is like trying to quite drugs, it's going to hurt and suck for some time but you will get a better quality of life in return. You will meet someone new, she will treat you well, and you will be happier.

 

Every time you contact your ex is like taking another hit, you're just setting yourself back to square one and getting in the way of that new, happier, independent you.

 

She is not the girl you loved, she just looks like her. She can't give you that girl back because that girl didn't exist. If you talk with her you're not going to understand her, and you're not going to be able to relate to her. Not yet, not right now. That part might come, but it'll be wayyy down the line.

[Csmith224422]

It's been 5 months since the break up and I still deeply miss her. I just wish we could talk so I could better understand her, but she doesn't want anything to do with me.

 

I try to keep busy but I still think about her even when I'm doing things.

 

I may never talk to her again and it hurts. It feels like someone passed away.

[Simon Phoenix]

I just dont get it. She told me all these bad stories about him. It makes me feel like crap that she chose him over me.

 

I just wish we could at least talk and end this nicely. She probably thinks im an obsessive freak.

 

As Tom Cruise said in the movie Cocktail: "Everything ends badly. If it didn't, it wouldn't end."

[lindsay1990]

Perhaps it could be useful to look at your own self-esteem. Maybe we feel this way because we feel that somehow we could have avoided it happening, that if only we had done or said something differently, we could have persuaded their affections otherwise.

 

Maybe we do this to have a sense of control, to have somebody to blame even if it is ourselves, because the alternative (that people can just *snaps fingers* change their feelings like that, can dupe us or worse: that we can be duped so easily, and be blind to the many, many signs) just seems so much scarier. So we would rather blame ourselves, and think it was somehow in out power and we blew it, than to acknowledge the scary reality that we in fact HAVE NO power over the feelings, decisions, treatment we get from others.

[Csmith224422]

If I didn't do anything wrong, and just want to know how she's doing. Why won't she even be on speaking terms with me.

 

I just don't get how she could just kick me to the curb like that . . .

[Philosoraptor]

If I didn't do anything wrong, and just want to know how she's doing. Why won't she even be on speaking terms with me.

 

I just don't get how she could just kick me to the curb like that . . .

Don't go back down that road. Until you have fully healed, and have ZERO romantic feelings for her, a true friendship of any kind can not exist. You are again choosing to be in pain if you continue to make contact with her.