I'm thriving, she's doing worse than me

[tinker683]

Hey all,

 

Ok, here's whats going on with me and I hope this makes sense. I'll be writing stream of consciousness so I hope it's coherent.

 

Last Sunday it came to my attention that the anniversary of my ex's mothers death had passed recently. I never knew what day that was (she never told me) but upon hearing this, I felt very compelled to at least say or do SOMETHING.

 

It's been almost 11 months since our break up and I haven't spoken to her since April. I've been feeling pretty good about my life and where I am, so I told myself I'd just offer my condolences and leave it be.

 

SOOO...I broke NC and sent her a text just wishing her well and what ended up following was some very friendly back and forth. I felt (and still feel) good about everything so I've maintained contact with her since then.

 

Talking with her, I've discovered (as she's been remarkably candid with me) that she's been struggling with her life. I have no idea if she's with the guy she decided to start dating right after we broke up or not but her life has otherwise been a mess and a struggle.

 

Upon finding this out....I don't know, but it's like I feel like this burden has been lifted off of me. I don't want to sound petty, but I feel like since learning that she's having a hard time of things, I've felt this sense of balance or justice, like harmony being restored, to me.

 

I was SO devastated by my breakup that I moved away and started over so I can heal. I completely cut myself off from the group her and I hung together with and from her. It took a LOT of time and effort, but I've built a new me and I like who I am and where I am in my life.

 

But I always felt like it was so unfair that her life seemed to go so well after our breakup and my life had been shattered. Now though, learning that she's basically fallen into the patterns and issues I expected, I feel like all that pain and anger I felt before has lifted.

 

I mean, I feel like we at Loveshack make our ex's out to be these monsters that the mere sight of them will shatter our wellbeing. Now that I know she's just this pitiable woman...I don't feel that way anymore. I feel FREE. I feel like I'm doing so much better than her and that makes me feel vindicated.

 

I did the hard work of working on myself and improving myself and now I'm happy. She didn't and now she's reaping what she sowed.

 

All that being said...I'm tried of resentment and anger and fear. However bad our relationship was, I do care about her and in spite of all the petty feelings I have now, I do sympathize with her situation.

 

So..we're chatting again but I've decided that while I do hope she pulls her life back together, I don't want a relationship with her, not unless she made a lot of SERIOUS changes to herself. I just don't trust her, I feel like she'll just end up hurting me again and I will *never* put myself in the sort of situation that I was in with her.

 

She seems friendly and responsive and we were even joking with each other last night but we're both being kind of distant. I'm hoping that in time we can bury the hatchet and hopefully become friends. Right now it's just text messages and I'm content with that.

 

What do you guys think? Anyone have a similar feelings before? Am I a bad person for feeling the way that I do?

[Philosoraptor]

You had control of your actions, she had control of hers. She made the choice to replace and avoid versus acceptance and healing. She's in the middle of the journey now that you completed yourself. All you can do is wish her well.

 

Personally, I think sympathy would be best served here. If you've moved on and healed there is no "justice" or revenge. Nothing is to be gained by the suffering of others, as we all have our trials and tribulations and have to live with the decisions that we make.

[tinker683]

You had control of your actions, she had control of hers. She made the choice to replace and avoid versus acceptance and healing. She's in the middle of the journey now that you completed yourself. All you can do is wish her well.

 

Personally, I think sympathy would be best served here. If you've moved on and healed there is no "justice" or revenge. Nothing is to be gained by the suffering of others, as we all have our trials and tribulations and have to live with the decisions that we make.

 

Wise words, and I agree.

 

These feelings I have...it makes me wonder just how over it I am. Maybe it's just the memory resurfacing? I don't know.

 

Right now...I don't feel anger or resentment...just a quiet, passive compassion for a woman I loved (and I think still do) and hope she finds what she needs.

 

Just sorting out my emotions. Thank you for the feedback

[MoooOinkBaaa]

How did you fall out of love with her? This woman was your world at one point?

[tinker683]

How did you fall out of love with her? This woman was your world at one point?

 

I suppose that depends on what you define as falling in or out of love.

 

I haven't stopped caring about her. I've come to the conclusion that while she is important to me and while I do want the best from her...she is not good for me in a relationship. She hurt me, brutally, and it's taken me almost a year to get to the point to where I am now.

 

She was my world at one point...but I wasn't hers, and she threw me aside like I was nothing and that devastated me. I'm not sure if it was malice or if it was because she comes from a long, abusive background (stepfather, ex-husband, ex-boyfriends...) and while I will not hate her or hold what happened to me against her as I'm willing to chalk it up to broken software on her part...I can and will decide what is best for me and dating her is not that.

 

I'd like to be her friend if it's possible...but only that. She seems receptive to talk to me so I'm leaving it at that for now.

 

After some thought, I don't feel there is anything wrong with the feeling I had so long as I recognize how self-defeating it is to hold on to those thoughts. I was hurt and I think I'm allowed to feel vindicated in knowing that the one who hurt me isn't riding off into a perfect life that I had originally been lead to believe for a bit. But, really...I'm just tired of anger and fear and pain.

 

So I decided that I'm going to let it go now...and see where that takes me.

[lylat333]

Very interesting post, OP, thanks for sharing. I was actually spending some time this afternoon thinking about very similar matters. I was sitting there thinking, again, how unfair my situation feels.

 

For the past 3+ months I've tried to be the best person I can be and have not been particularly happy most of the time. My relationship prospects are nil. I assume my ex doesn't care about me whatsoever. (based on the fact she's never bothered to reach out) I avoid pictures, old conversations, anything to do with her at all because it hurts too much. And last I knew she seemed perfectly fine.

 

I too expect she's falling into behaviors and patterns that are not wise, but even if that's the case it still hurts to think she'll probably never contact me again. Truthfully I think it would make me feel much better to find out she wasn't that happy, or better yet, missed me. Which admittedly is an ego thing.

 

I can't picture myself getting to where you are though, OP, and being content to bury the feelings and be friends again. I don't want to be friends, I don't want to be lovers... I just want something to happen that doesn't make the world seem so cold.

 

In any case I'm very happy for you and hearing you're doing better warms the heart. You deserve something after 11 months of healing and rebuilding.

[tinker683]

Very interesting post, OP, thanks for sharing. I was actually spending some time this afternoon thinking about very similar matters. I was sitting there thinking, again, how unfair my situation feels.

 

For the past 3+ months I've tried to be the best person I can be and have not been particularly happy most of the time. My relationship prospects are nil. I assume my ex doesn't care about me whatsoever. (based on the fact she's never bothered to reach out) I avoid pictures, old conversations, anything to do with her at all because it hurts too much. And last I knew she seemed perfectly fine.

 

I too expect she's falling into behaviors and patterns that are not wise, but even if that's the case it still hurts to think she'll probably never contact me again. Truthfully I think it would make me feel much better to find out she wasn't that happy, or better yet, missed me. Which admittedly is an ego thing.

 

The bold is the situation I found myself in. It is an ego thing. They hurt us, tossed us aside like we were nothing. I think those of us who were crushed wanted our relationship to mean something to the other person.

 

I still don't know what, if anything it meant to her...but I don't care anymore. She has nothing to do with my life anymore.

 

I can't picture myself getting to where you are though, OP, and being content to bury the feelings and be friends again. I don't want to be friends, I don't want to be lovers... I just want something to happen that doesn't make the world seem so cold.

 

In any case I'm very happy for you and hearing you're doing better warms the heart. You deserve something after 11 months of healing and rebuilding.

 

I appreciate your thoughts.

 

Keep focusing on you...and it will. Find something you do that makes you feel good about yourself and throw yourself into it. Once you've rebuilt your self-esteem, you'll realize what it was you truly deserved and how she wasn't giving it to you.

 

As for me...I just don't want to die with any regrets. I want to know that if I died tomorrow, I tried mending fences with the estranged people in my life.

 

If anything, this is all about me. However she feels is incidental. It does however make me wonder if my presence in her life is only a detriment right now... I don't know. I know she's the type of woman who, if she didn't want to talk to me, she wouldn't talk to me. But she is, and she's being very candid with me, so I don't know what she's thinking and feeling.

 

Right now it's just friendly text messages back and forth and I'm fine with that.

[Sugarkane]

I always wish this would happen to me because my dumpers were Aholes and gloated about their life without me! But for some reason that's always ok. But I would never know for sure and I'm not friends with them.

[Polak]

OP, This is probably one of the most interesting and relevant threads I've read in my short time on LS... I have to admit I am thoroughly impressed at your resolute intention to remain friends with the woman who used to be your world but took off. This hits home for me because the girl who used to be my world for a long time found someone else "better" than me and left me in the dust. A few months later, and they are set to be married at the beginning of next year. This wouldn't be so extreme to me, except for a few minor details: she is a pastor's daughter, I never attended their church, and the new guy was at her church for her whole life. So where it took me almost a year to gain enough trust from her dad to be able to take her places and even call myself "hers", it took the other guy about 2 weeks. And now they are about to get married. It used to make me sick to think about, and now thanks to still being alive 1 year later, I just have that dull pain inside, because, you know, the world is unfair.

 

Honestly, time has done me good... by that I mean to say that I have finally fulfilled my understanding of the famous phrase "time heals all wounds." But there is still a piece inside of me that wishes she wasn't perfectly happy now. I haven't done any facebook deleting/blocking (I wanted to prove to myself I had the willpower not to be so childish) but I have set post recommendations so that I don't see any of her posts. I know it may sound immature but any time I would see updates about her seemingly perfect relationship with who I consider my "replacement", I couldn't handle it. I would get frustrated and angry inside and I really had to work at becoming more patient and letting it all go. It was hard, but over time it became slightly easier.

 

I share Lylat's feelings in that I don't want to remain friends with her. I don't want to see her anymore, or hear about her bliss (I know my mind amps up her happiness, but that's what a hurting heart does). And in Lylat's words, "I just want something to happen that doesn't make the world seem so cold." I know exactly how that feels. Because although I have slowly been recovering and taking proactive steps to become the best person I can be, the best version of myself, it's still hard when you used to have someone that literally became an integral piece of your life.

 

So, OP, reading your post was refreshing, and actually made me very happy for you, because the feeling that you received from realizing your ex isn't all happy-go-lucky but instead struggling, is exactly the feeling I have craved and continue to crave. That letting go feeling, that unique release of stress. Hopefully someday that "world is unfair" cloud will disappear. Until then, time will go on, and I will continue recovering bit by bit. I genuinely smile knowing that forums like this, and specifically threads like this, are part of my healing process.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I feel the same way too. The thing is she got married and has replaced you. That fast. Why don't we just do that too? Find someone else. How can they find someone else and be happy like that is what I don't understand. To just replace like a new clock.

 

That whole thing seems pretty weak to me. It's like they can't be alone so must fill the void you made. Be proud we are stronger than that! We won't settle for a colloquial marriage to make ourselves happy!

 

Look at the OP he actually spent time on himself, he took the hard route and it paid off. I'm doing the same facing all my emotions and standing up to them, taking them all in.

 

I would rather face all the emotions in the eye and experience them, to make me a stronger person. I want to be a happy person, I want to feel great. I can choose to feel like that. Happiness is only experienced in the present moment so I have to tap into it right now.

 

I was moping this morning and I just got up and my body said that's enough, do something else! This isn't working man! Sitting around thinking about her doesn't work. I got to stop worrying about what's behind me and look forward, see what's there. It's time for a revolution.

 

I think it's working because I'm actually starting to be happier. Why should I be down over someone who doesn't want me. Someone who bailed on me behind my back. I'm stronger than that.

 

I'm definitely improving myself, I'm starting to feel like I'm truly just me again. Without her. I'm going back to the old me without her and I'm going to get myself out there and live my life, meet tons of new people, live my life purpose.

Edited October 26, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[xpaperxcutx]

May I ask what were some of the changes you made and how you improved better than her?

 

My ex recently broke up with him and I'm finding it hard to cope with no significant support system.