Author silverline Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Thank you for your posts. I did question whether it was right to tell him as he made me feel I shouldn't have. He says I am too honest and that I need to sometimes think before I say things. I guess in some areas he is right but I feel you should be an open book when it comes to potential temptation to cheat/flirt etc. He says I should have kept this to myself because now he is plagued with mistrust. I will talk to him tonight 1
underwater2010 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 May I also suggest further MC for the other issues that are plaguing your marriage right now.
Yesterday Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Thank you for your posts. I did question whether it was right to tell him as he made me feel I shouldn't have. He says I am too honest and that I need to sometimes think before I say things. I guess in some areas he is right but I feel you should be an open book when it comes to potential temptation to cheat/flirt etc. He says I should have kept this to myself because now he is plagued with mistrust. I will talk to him tonight You absolutely did the right thing by your husband, and your friend seems to respect your response, that may change so be careful. Your husband went much further in his actions, and during a time when you both had no reason to stray. Perhaps he sees it differently as it happened with his ex, but to your marriage vows it was wrong. His coming forward hurt you, but at least he came forward (supposedly 2 days later) and you are working things out. You came forward immediately. his reaction is likely guilt and anger due to the fact that he can see your frustration with his ED. You both need to seek help for his ED problem
BetrayedH Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 As a BH, I suffered some ED issues from PTSD. I used the daily dose of Cialis for about six months. I was always ready, felt like a teenager, and the confidence boost allowed me to get off of it. Just something to consider.
ChooseTruth Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 But he says that he can no longer trust me because I have sexual feelings for this man. So he will constantly wonder if I am up to no good (Ha! How does he think I have been feeling all these months??). I have put a dark cloud over our relationship he says. Is he just plain selfish? Should I tell him to forget about our marriage if this is all he wants to focus on? Coming from a BH who divorced his WW, I disagree with your H. You have a pulse. Obviously he's attracted to other women too. It's totally normal. What really counts is how you handle it. You miss-stepped a bit, but then you did something many many people fail at...you came clean. I love your post about how you coming clean was liking dumping a bucket of cold water on yourself and your fantasies. You showed you can tell the truth even when it's hard. That proves your trustworthyness more than if you were never attracted to anyone else in the first place. I'd say avoid the guy you are attracted to. Slippery slope. If your H is worried about continued contact with this guy, then I might change my mind and agree with him. 2
harrybrown Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Tell your husband that he should be grateful that you are honest with him. I wish my wife would be honest with me. You are alive, but you stopped from doing inappropriate acts. Tell him he can trust you and he does not have to worry about you. He should be thanking his lucky stars. Tell him you passed with flying colors. He could be married to some posters that are posting here without any conscience. 3
BetrayedH Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 ...he made me feel I shouldn't have. ...He says I am too honest and that I need to sometimes think before I say things. ...He says I should have kept this to myself because now he is plagued with mistrust. His judgment on this sucks, obviously. It makes you wonder what else he is lying to you about, you know, out of the goodness of his heart and all. Has the man learned nothing? 3
whatatangledweb Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 You didn't cheat. You crossed some boundaries and started across the slippery slope that leads to an affair but you did the right thing. You stopped it and told him. He is calling it cheating as that is probably what he fears most after him cheating then a poor sex life. 4
JamesM Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 It could also be the old "well, I cheated, so you will cheat" thinking. Assumption is that he couldn't stop himself, so in time you will continue on in an affair. Since you told him, he will now be wondering if you still want sex with this guy and added in is his ED. He may think that he kept going, and hence you will keep going even though you told him. Maybe someone has a way to respond to that. 2
Raven3321 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I applaud you telling him. It's normal to be tempted sexually with someone else....happens all the time. You handled the temptation correctly by coming to him. He'll realized this (I hope) eventually. However, keep doing the right thing. Communication is the key. 4
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Yes he thinks it equals his indiscretion. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything? Are you 100% sure his affair is completely over and he is in total no contact with the OW? Honestly, this sounds like an excuse for him to use against you and justify in his mind to cheat again. What you did sure was crossing lines but how he can compare some flirting and inappropriate conversation vs his affair where he actually had sex with someone else is NOT fair. Makes me wonder how invested he actually is in the marriage. If something like this can piss him off so much and rock the boat, then your marriage is not in good shape at all. 6
Author silverline Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Are you 100% sure his affair is completely over and he is in total no contact with the OW? Honestly, this sounds like an excuse for him to use against you and justify in his mind to cheat again. What you did sure was crossing lines but how he can compare some flirting and inappropriate conversation vs his affair where he actually had sex with someone else is NOT fair. Makes me wonder how invested he actually is in the marriage. If something like this can piss him off so much and rock the boat, then your marriage is not in good shape at all. I am 100% positive that his A is over... If I am proved wrong then he needs to be an actor cause he is very convincing in his role as a remorseful person. My gut instinct says he is not betraying me. But my marriage is definitely not in good shape. His ED is killing us. When we talked last night he was a bit calmer. He explained that he felt I was threatening him and putting him down as I had more self control than he did.
Try Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 But he says that he can no longer trust me because I have sexual feelings for this man. So he will constantly wonder if I am up to no good (Ha! How does he think I have been feeling all these months??). I have put a dark cloud over our relationship he says. Tell him that people can control their actions but not how they feel. You had feelings for another person and controlled your actions and did nothing. When he had feelings for another, he did not control his actions and cheated. You passed the test. He failed his. Although you should not have shared with this other man that you were attracted to him, you did not lead him on by having multiple such conversations. Your husband had multiple such conversations with another women and then went to her home to have sex with her. You both took a step in the wrong direction, but while you turned back after the first step, he kept on going until he went off the cliff. For him to have the nerve to try to compare the two as being equal is disingenuous. He knows that they are not even close to being the same. Tell him that if he wants so badly to be able to compare the two as the same, that you would need to go back and see the other person again like he did, so that you could finish the job. Tell him that it is insulting to you intelligence every time that he makes such a comparison, and that every time that he says that what you did is the same as what he did, that you feel that he is minimizing him having sex with another women. Tell him that you are having enough trouble trying to forgive him for him having sex with another women, and that him trying to minimize what he did makes it harder for you to move on. 2
Chi townD Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I am 100% positive that his A is over... If I am proved wrong then he needs to be an actor cause he is very convincing in his role as a remorseful person. My gut instinct says he is not betraying me. But my marriage is definitely not in good shape. His ED is killing us. When we talked last night he was a bit calmer. He explained that he felt I was threatening him and putting him down as I had more self control than he did. And on top of that, he probably feels that you may want to "even the score". Or that since he's having a hard time "performing" that you're looking for a replacement. You may feel my statements are silly, but that might be what's going through his mind! 1
dreamingoftigers Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I am 100% positive that his A is over... If I am proved wrong then he needs to be an actor cause he is very convincing in his role as a remorseful person. My gut instinct says he is not betraying me. But my marriage is definitely not in good shape. His ED is killing us. When we talked last night he was a bit calmer. He explained that he felt I was threatening him and putting him down as I had more self control than he did. I read this thread and smacked my forehead. What a guy! So he has a full-blown physical etc. full-baggage encounter, fesses up, you guts reconcile and then he pretty much sexually abandons you. That's a real treat to begin with. You've been pretty clear that the affection and intimacy is what's important to you, but just like he "forgot" that you are married, he seems to be "forgetting" that too. What fun! So then, you have this conversation that you SHUT DOWN with a guy that actually would like to go there with you and now YOUR HUSBAND "can't trust" YOU? I hope that my literacy skills are lacking and I read that wrong. Is there any way you can check him out a book explaining basic logic and reasoning from the library? You know, really simple stuff like: A = B B =/= C Therefore A can't equal C. Because no one else's D went into your P? When I was younger, if humor really talking it out with him, massage those insecurities away with love and sugar. But after years of dealing with wayward crap, I say bluntly smack him in the head with reality: He can't pin his own insecurity of betraying you outright, sleeping with someone else, "forgetting" that you are supposed to have a sex life and then getting pissed with you over some other guy responding to the "want ad" for a position that your husband has no problem leaving "unfilled." You tell him that "equalling his indiscretion" and "being untrustworthy" would have been doing what was damn well equal: screwing this other guy and not telling him. And then ask the Moron if that's what he's prefer you'd do. What a narcissist! He really thinks you had an inappropriate conversation to prove your "moral superiority" to him. Not because you give two craps about the marriage he so blythely tossed and that you actually have the needs you claim to have? My honest recommendation: ignore him for a couple of months and hang out with actual adults. Not for dating purposes. But sometimes it's nice just to hang out with someone beyond a two-year olds emotional maturity level. It will help you decide what your next step is and maybe your husband might halfway wake up. 3
dreamingoftigers Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 LOL. Now ain't THAT a hoot. The cheater pointing fingers at you. It seems like every freakin thing is ALL about HIM, isn't it? His cheating, his affair, his confession, his impotency, your lack of a sex life, your depleted self worth and self esteem, etc. etc. etc. Everything is a direct byproduct of him and his dirty little misdeeds, and it's about time he manned the hell up and started taking care of business at home instead of acting like a blubbering little schoolgirl crying about the "dark cloud" you've supposedly put over your marriage. Jesus, his ass would have been kicked to the curb long before now. You truly have the patience of a saint. Who bitches about a "dark cloud" after they caused a sh*t-storm anyway?
beatcuff Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 it is obvious H has been doing some research --- about revenge/payback. he is upset because he is afraid you will have at least a one night stand. i am glad to see most of the hypersensitive persons on this board giving you a pass. seriously, what are you talking about? 'i think you're hot'. if we had to eliminate EVERY person you had a passing interest in where would we all be. too many think all 'sex' ends when M begins. wrong, those feelings will always be there. and having them does not mean you will act on them. stop beating yourself up, tell your H to man up. and because of the way he overreacted i would refrain from telling him of any these situations in the near-future. he really needs therapy.
BetrayedH Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 And on top of that, he probably feels that you may want to "even the score". Or that since he's having a hard time "performing" that you're looking for a replacement. You may feel my statements are silly, but that might be what's going through his mind! Probably some truth to this. Many cheaters are paranoid of being cheated on; they see others thru their own lens. I think it's a common fear among many waywards, sometimes justified but usually not. It's fair to say it's probably part of his thought process. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Probably some truth to this. Many cheaters are paranoid of being cheated on; they see others thru their own lens. I think it's a common fear among many waywards, sometimes justified but usually not. It's fair to say it's probably part of his thought process. My Dad actually hired someone to keep watch on my mother DURING and after his affair. Just for the record, my Dad is also really effed up. But it is an extreme example if this type of paranoia. 1
BetrayedH Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 A = B B =/= C Therefore A can't equal C. Because no one else's D went into your P? Oh my! Now that was funny. Nominee for quote of the week. Nice to see you back, DOT. 4
dreamingoftigers Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Oh my! Now that was funny. Nominee for quote of the week. Nice to see you back, DOT. Good to be back. But I better get back to work LOL. Good to see you're still haunting the boards BetrayedH. 1
atreides Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Wow, i will be blunt. In no way did you cheat or in my opinion really cross a boundary. As a betrayed stated, many are too sensitive here, and is too much of being a "thought police" as to what transpired. Tell him to grow up. The issue here is your H, in my opinion he is the one with issues in self-confidence and has an uncertainty about being married to you. It sounds plainly to me that he is using this as an excuse to get out of the M, perhaps get back with the OW or who knows. But bottom-line it sounds like he wants out, IMO. ED, ugh.... short of a real physical function loss that a doc has told him/you know of... it is psyco babble 101. In my opinion he makes up excuses for a lack of interest in the M, or sexual attractiveness to you perhaps because he has an OW on the mind or is checked out. Stop wasting your time, sit him down and tell him to man up, you forgave him. If he wants you, then he needs to show you or save himself the trouble and as you said get out of the M. 1
Author silverline Posted October 26, 2013 Author Posted October 26, 2013 I am a bit of a mess this morning. We had a terrible fight last night because we cannot see eye to eye over my so called "cheating". He is petrified that I will cheat on him and I told him to grow up. I told him to pack his bags and leave if he makes this situation all about him. I am fed up on being the patient dutiful wife!!!! I told him that how he feels is NOTHING to what he has and still is putting me through! 3
Author silverline Posted October 26, 2013 Author Posted October 26, 2013 I told him to leave last night and he did:( I don't know where he is at the moment but I need to stick to my guns no matter how scared I am. Our poor son:(
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