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Have I cheated??

silverline

By silverline
in Infidelity

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silverline Member

silverline

Posted
Posted (edited)

My husband had a short term affair with an ex last summer.They met up for coffee a few times and then he went to her house and they had sex that afternoon. That day he returned home and guilt was written all overhis face. He confessed within two days and was instantly remorseful.

 

I kicked him out and decided to forgive him five months later. Unfortunately this has triggered erectile dysfunction in myhusband ( because of his shame) so our sexlife has been terrible the past 11months. Viagra is helping him now but his sex drive is very low. I always end up beggin him for sex if a month has lapsed. My self esteem is at its lowest point. I have been in tears trying to stay confident and upbeat.

 

Two days ago I got complimented by a fellow male friend andour conversation crossed a few boundaries.We both admitted that we weresexually attracted to each other but I told him I would never cheat in my marriage.

 

The conversation made me feel so strange because it feltsooo good that a man desired me but it depressed me because my husband wasn’t makingme feel that way.

 

I told my husband later that day because I felt I was goingto explode. I couldn’t help myself. Anyway he went ballistic. Told

Edited by silverline
InnocentMan Established Member

InnocentMan

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No .

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silverline Member

silverline

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(Argh. This copy and paste didn't work....)

 

He says that I have cheated and he cant trust me again.

NotCamelot Established Member

NotCamelot

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I won't say that you cheated.....but you got extremely close. With an EA (emontional affair), there is no sex. But there is intimacy in other ways: words, feelings, even touch. Sounds like you are dangerously close to that.

 

Back off from this person or you may find yourself in the same position as your husband. And, telling him was the right thing to do.

 

He has a right to feel the way he does. Just like you do.

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JamesM Established Member

JamesM

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Blowing it out of proportion to somehow justify his cheating in the past, perhaps?

 

Somehow he may think that this equals his indiscretion.

 

You have expressed your feelings. And honestly, it would hurt to know that you (his wife) is sexually attracted to another man especially since your H is having a tough time getting it up.

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silverline Member

silverline

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I told my husband it was only this one conversation I had with this man. Plus I said it was wrong of me, that I was sorry and I would be letting this man know that I crossed a boundary and it wouldn't happen again. That's if I ever bump into this man again as I would be in contact.

 

My husband says I should never have told him and it has ruined our reconciliation.

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silverline Member

silverline

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Blowing it out of proportion to somehow justify his cheating in the past, perhaps?

 

Somehow he may think that this equals his indiscretion.

 

You have expressed your feelings. And honestly, it would hurt to know that you (his wife) is sexually attracted to another man especially since your H is having a tough time getting it up.

 

Yes he thinks it equals his indiscretion.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything?

NotCamelot Established Member

NotCamelot

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Sounds like he is trying to shift the focus onto you.

 

With the ED problem, add this to it.....and you have an incredibly huge blow to his ego.

Bryanp Established Member

Bryanp

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Your husband is clearly wrong. You cannot even equate what your husband did to you have a flirty conversation. It is ridiculous that he would say this. He is looking for justifications for his actions.

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JamesM Established Member

JamesM

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Yes he thinks it equals his indiscretion.

 

It doesn't. How could he consider that when he had sex and an emotional affair along with it?

 

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything?

 

Too late for that anyhow. However, if you hadn't had the affair of his and the need for reconciliation, then maybe silence would have been better.

 

But since the goal is openness and honesty and trust during a reconciliation, then I think you did the right thing.

 

IMO he will come around. Honestly, in time it may actually help your marriage.

 

Have the two of you had counseling?

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SoulStorm Established Member

SoulStorm

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Yes he thinks it equals his indiscretion.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything?

 

It would have been wrong not to say anything.

 

You were being transparent and honest. He is ok to feel betrayed because you did cross a boundary. I feel he is being a bit immature though. He should be angry yes, but is also being hypocritical because he went way further than you did. However wrong is wrong.

 

You crossing the boundary was wrong

 

Confessing it was right

 

Him be angry is ok

Him being hypocritical is wrong

I just think he needs to cool off a bit

I think his guilt is also being compounded because he did wrong and knows he really has no room to nail you to the cross.

Not excusing what you did..you were right and noble to confess.

  • Like 1
NotCamelot Established Member

NotCamelot

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This may the opportunity to help with his confidence issue. Explain to him that you told the guy no. Tell him that you told him no becuase you only want and desire him......regardless of the current issue. And show him other ways to please you until things get back to "normal".

 

Explain that, yes, opportunity was there but he is the one you want.

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silverline Member

silverline

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This may the opportunity to help with his confidence issue. Explain to him that you told the guy no. Tell him that you told him no becuase you only want and desire him......regardless of the current issue. And show him other ways to please you until things get back to "normal".

 

Explain that, yes, opportunity was there but he is the one you want.

 

we have had many discussions about having foreplay and I always stress to him that it doesn't matter whether he has an erection or not.

 

But he seems to "forget".

 

I guess I told him because I was faced with temptation and feeling vunerable. Telling my husband was like having a bucket thrown over me. It fizzled out any potential fantasises that I may have had from that conversation.

 

I also wanted to remind him that I am still a desirable woman. ;-/

 

I will wait till he has calmed down

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Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

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Just to make sure I'm understanding this correctly, you met this guy at work and within 2 days you had what you feel was an inappropriate conversation with him? That's it?

 

Okay, I'm hypersensitive to any type of inappropriate behavior that seems to be leading toward cheating. But even with my hypersensitivity, I don't think, in your case, it could even classify as an EA. Especially if you have nipped it in the bud, like you say.

 

Your H sounds like he is trying to deflect some of his guilt and push some of the blame onto you as a way to make him feel better about his actions.

 

I also think there might be a bit of "jealousy" on his part that you could shut down inappropriate behavior on your part AND be honest with him about it. He obviously didn't have the same self-control.

 

Are you guys in marriage counseling? I can't remember from your OP.

  • Like 6
ChooseTruth Established Member

ChooseTruth

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It's often said that if you do or say something that you wouldn't do or say around your spouse then it's cheating.

 

I don't think it's appropriate to tell someone you are sexually attracted to them. Very very dangerous.

 

I don't think it's equal to what your H did of course.

 

I applaud you for coming clean. That says something.

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silverline Member

silverline

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Just to make sure I'm understanding this correctly, you met this guy at work and within 2 days you had what you feel was an inappropriate conversation with him? That's it?

 

Okay, I'm hypersensitive to any type of inappropriate behavior that seems to be leading toward cheating. But even with my hypersensitivity, I don't think, in your case, it could even classify as an EA. Especially if you have nipped it in the bud, like you say.

 

Your H sounds like he is trying to deflect some of his guilt and push some of the blame onto you as a way to make him feel better about his actions.

 

I also think there might be a bit of "jealousy" on his part that you could shut down inappropriate behavior on your part AND be honest with him about it. He obviously didn't have the same self-control.

 

Are you guys in marriage counseling? I can't remember from your OP.

 

I have known this man for seven years but it was always friendly banter if I ever met up with him. When I bumped into him a couple of days ago I was feeling down and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was having problems and felt very ugly, feeling sorry for myself etc etc.

 

That's when he spoke about how he felt about me. I was shocked but extremely flattered. I did tell him straight away that I would never cheat. So he said if I was ever single that I should find him. He turned recently single by the way.

 

I felt that sexual rush that you would get with a new person so I felt I had to tell my husband.

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silverline Member

silverline

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We did marriage councelling for a few months and then stopped as I felt my husband was showing genuiene remorse and just needed time to heal.

 

Little did I know that his cheating was going to affect his sexdrive too. Been double whammy for me

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underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

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No you didn't cheat. You had an inappropriate conversation with someone of the opposite sex. And while it did feel good to be desired, you stopped it that day and informed your husband right away.

 

Him saying you cheated is probably do to him reflecting on the being of his own affair.

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silverline Member

silverline

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No you didn't cheat. You had an inappropriate conversation with someone of the opposite sex. And while it did feel good to be desired, you stopped it that day and informed your husband right away.

 

Him saying you cheated is probably do to him reflecting on the being of his own affair.

 

But he says that he can no longer trust me because I have sexual feelings for this man. So he will constantly wonder if I am up to no good (Ha! How does he think I have been feeling all these months??). I have put a dark cloud over our relationship he says.

 

Is he just plain selfish? Should I tell him to forget about our marriage if this is all he wants to focus on?

JamesM Established Member

JamesM

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But he says that he can no longer trust me because I have sexual feelings for this man. So he will constantly wonder if I am up to no good (Ha! How does he think I have been feeling all these months??). I have put a dark cloud over our relationship he says.

 

Excuse me? He should be able to trust you more because you told him. If he had found out from someone else, then he may have a weak case for this. But since you told him and quite quickly, it tells him that you are in it for the long haul.

 

Is he just plain selfish? Should I tell him to forget about our marriage if this is all he wants to focus on?

 

I don't know about selfish, but he is childish. he is hurt and is somehow trying to project his pain as equal to your pain. This makes you even in his mind.

 

If you still love him and want to continue, then do so. If you don't think it is worth it, then reconsider.

 

My guess is that you want to continue.

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underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

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But he says that he can no longer trust me because I have sexual feelings for this man. So he will constantly wonder if I am up to no good (Ha! How does he think I have been feeling all these months??). I have put a dark cloud over our relationship he says.

 

Is he just plain selfish? Should I tell him to forget about our marriage if this is all he wants to focus on?

How far out from his DDay are you?

BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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We're all hypersensitive to crossed boundaries around here.

 

You had one conversation, shut it down immediately, and came clean about it. It's not remotely the same as what your husband did.

 

Your husband is an idiot. Reconcile with him at your own risk.

 

My $.02

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cozycottagelg Established Member

cozycottagelg

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You didn't cheat. If anything you stopped yourself from cheating by telling your husband what happened.

 

I think he is trying to make you feel guilty because he does. You did the right thing in my opinion. You knew you took it too far and you came clean.

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silverline Member

silverline

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How far out from his DDay are you?

 

17 months since dday

underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

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If he is anything like my FWH, he is very insecure right now. They are in a place of knowing they did the worse thing imaginable and that they are not truly in our good graces right now. They are very afraid of how easy it would be for us to walk away without a second thought....especially is someone better were to come along.

 

Does that make it right? No. I would agree with others and point out that you could have kept this secret but felt that you BOTH were working on being transparent, open and honest. Make sure he knows you will NOT be in contact with this person anymore. As you shouldn't and you know it. That you love him and want this marriage or you would have left already.

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