theothersully Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Yes it can! There are many steps in order to reach eventual forgiveness and indifference buy saying it will never go away might be the case for you, if you are holding onto the past, but for many time and proper processing releases the anger, creates forgiveness and ultimate indifference. I appreciate your post and what you are saying. My experience went like this... Together: 12 years Married without fighting, spending 24/7 together: 10 years Her statements: we will have our ashes mixed together and scattered, we are forever, we don't consider other people, i love you, etc... I helped her for 12 years with mental illness as a caregiver. DEC 14th: "I love you, can't wait to go away for the holidays together.” DEC 15th: 1-2 minute phone call. "Bye.." no reason, no explanation. DEC 16th: $60,000 gone from our joint account. Wife gone. 32 yo Wife surfaces on Facebook with blue hair smurf blue, a huge new tattoo. Never had these things before. Tried to find out what happened. No contact. Moves in with a new dude within a week. (we were with each other 24/7, so she wasn't seeing him before)and is still living with him. He has a very expensive BMW (cars had meant nothing to her), but is the only white guy living in a Hatian ghetto in Ft Lauderdale. Forgiveness? I cannot. Others may be better people than I, but I will never forgive her for lying, going no contact on 12 years of really hard caregiver work I put in. Helped her overcome voices in her head, overcome OCD to some extent, overcome anger problems and thinking everyone is out yo get her, etc... all to have $60k stolen and her go no contact. There is no forgiveness for me on that.
Zahara Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Sully, that's awful. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have someone just disappear on you like that and after 12 years of being together. I will never understand some of the things that go through the minds of people like your ex-wife. The lack of conscience frightening.
Author theothersully Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 Sully, that's awful. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have someone just disappear on you like that and after 12 years of being together. I will never understand some of the things that go through the minds of people like your ex-wife. The lack of conscience frightening. I did sign up for it though. I knew she had problems, but figured together, we could work on them. And we did. Ultimately, we lost, I guess. The part I cannot forgive is her refusal to explain the "why" to me. I think the lack of conscience is due to her borderline personality disorder. They can't process interpersonal emotions. They are numb to happy times and love. Anger is the only one they seem to have... oh... and paranoia. It really did suck though, building a life and future with someone to have it all vanish overnight. I'm now to old to have kids, even if i wanted them. Our plan was to have none. Oh well. But I cannot forgive that no contact on 12 years, 10 of them married. Mental illness or not, she should have been a better person than that.
Zahara Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I think we all want to give our partners the benefit of the doubt and when we love, we love unconditionally, failing sometimes to look past love and contemplating the possibilities that it may just blow up in our faces. I don't believe "we" lost. You did what you could and it didn't work. If anything you tried and she lost. If she just up and left, and even took your joint money with no remorse, I don't think she is capable of even giving you a why. The question is of no benefit to her, just as your feelings upon her leaving had no effect on her. And maybe she's in a mental state that doesn't allow her the ability to verbalize or articulate the whys? I don't know what goes on in their mind but if you're saying she's borderline (lack of conscience, can't process interpersonal emotions, numb, etc.), I don't believe she has the ability to define in her mind what "a better person" should be or should be doing, 12 years or not. Their mindset isn't like ours. We can't have expectations for normal behavior when they aren't "normal". I'm sorry for your pain. I really am. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I appreciate your post and what you are saying. My experience went like this... Together: 12 years Married without fighting, spending 24/7 together: 10 years Her statements: we will have our ashes mixed together and scattered, we are forever, we don't consider other people, i love you, etc... I helped her for 12 years with mental illness as a caregiver. DEC 14th: "I love you, can't wait to go away for the holidays together.” DEC 15th: 1-2 minute phone call. "Bye.." no reason, no explanation. DEC 16th: $60,000 gone from our joint account. Wife gone. 32 yo Wife surfaces on Facebook with blue hair smurf blue, a huge new tattoo. Never had these things before. Tried to find out what happened. No contact. Moves in with a new dude within a week. (we were with each other 24/7, so she wasn't seeing him before)and is still living with him. He has a very expensive BMW (cars had meant nothing to her), but is the only white guy living in a Hatian ghetto in Ft Lauderdale. Forgiveness? I cannot. Others may be better people than I, but I will never forgive her for lying, going no contact on 12 years of really hard caregiver work I put in. Helped her overcome voices in her head, overcome OCD to some extent, overcome anger problems and thinking everyone is out yo get her, etc... all to have $60k stolen and her go no contact. There is no forgiveness for me on that. Putting 12 years into anything and then losing it in that way would suck. But, sounds like you dodged a bullet here. She's got some very serious issues. Way beyond what you can help her with. Feel free to live the rest of your life making yourself happy without this non-sense. And, I'm sure in time. Lots of time, you will forgive and move on to something better... 2
Am4Real Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I'm sorry for your pain! Not to highjack the topic from the OP and to commlement the orgianal subject of this thread, let me comment on the attributes of forgivness within multiple aspects relative to your post: 529233 The forgiveness I speak to you about, one which can come in time after much of the hurt has diminished and many things are understood is: forgiveness from within the spirit of your own self. Think of it this way if you are perhaps Christian within your religious beliefs and if not, bear with me in this example. If you are aware of the persecution of Christ and the hideous acts of torture (by today's standards) endured in those last days of his life, the betrayal by his disciple(s) and so on, most Christians would hold little anger with those acts in themselves (anymore) and have long ago stepped into a state of forgiveness. Their forgiveness comes from within themselves. However, have (most) Christians view a pictorial or cinematic representation of the acts of persecution or "hanging at the cross" and the anger is quickly fueled. Again anger can linger when focused on the acts; eventual forgiveness has to come from the spirit of one's self. Not to diminish what happened to you at all. Your story is horrific. However would it not be fair to say those acts are what occupy your mind these days? And who can blame you? I'm only saying for many who have awful stories themselves of perhaps cheating, lying, deception, STD's and so on, they eventually look beyond those harmful and hurtful actions and look within; as they discover themselves, the loving selves they are, do they move to a different state of being...a forgiving state, mindful of the acts they suffered but focused now on themselves. Maybe you can bring eventual solace to yourself in processing forgiveness this way and not entirely on the actions of your EX? Again, sorry for all of your pain and suffering. There is no forgiveness for me on that.
Author theothersully Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 I'm sorry, OP. Sorry for the little hijack here. I just wanted to say thank you to those that posted above. I guess I do have the inner type of forgiveness. I don't think about it often at all. It doesn't occupy my mind because I am doing all sorts of things, dating, have other people and projects. Life is a lot less stressful without her and I can feel happy all the time instead of being dragged down into her darkness. The worst days with her were the nice ones. You know those beautiful mornings when the weather is perfect, you have the day off and you just can't wait to go outside and play? Those mornings were some kind of trigger for her. Lost so many of those nice days! But I rarely think about it anymore. The title of this thread got me thinking though. But I have that inner forgiveness and don't have anger, but I have hate toward her as a person. As in.... she's not part of my life or thoughts, but if she stopped by or contacted me or was dying or whatever, I couldn't care less. That is the hate/anger, not a simmering, thought occupying one. That's ok, right? I think it's as good as it's going to get. I am a very compassionate, helpful type of person. I enjoy helping others. If she came to me for help, I wouldn't even talk to her, nevermind help. To me, this is not forgiveness... it's hate, but she is not inside me in any way.
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