Good idea to want ex back if she likes a different physical type?

[NeverBAWuss]

TL;DR - my (ex-?) sweetheart of 3.5 years and fiancee realized she wants a bigger/taller guy than me (we're the same height) after she slept with a hot dancer who seduced her in a club. She really respects my intellect, says that I inspired her and helped her become a better person, and the new guy she slept with (who's bigger) is not really relationship material (she said).

 

I'm trying to walk away (it's really hard since this has been my longest and best relationship), and I wonder if I should initiate a clear NC in hope that she'll realize I'm a great catch and come back to me, or if I should just suggest we become friends.

 

I know that intellectually I'm a great match for her; we've been getting along very well until she slept with the new guy, and I'm deeply in love with her. Wanting someone physically bigger seems superficial, and she's under the influence of post-sex chemicals with him, the novelty etc.

 

But what if this physical desire of her for someone bigger is actually going to pop back up (if and) after we get back together? Do I set myself up for a future breakup, or having her as an unsatisfied wife?

 

Longer version below

 

Apologies for the long message. If it's too long to make it on the board, at least it's been therapeutic to pour my thoughts out.

 

My (ex-?)sweetheart and I had been in a very loving and romantically committed relationship for 3 and a half years. She's 24, a student, smart, fun, friendly, crafty, very attractive but not realizing it until a few months ago, a people pleaser, and a little less assertive than she'd like. I'm 32, a business man, and a lot more experienced with relationships. We spent our first 9 months together in California. I fell in love deeply with her and we had many wonderful moments together. Since day one, we texted each other every day, and got along very, very well, with no fights until very recently. I was so lucky to have met her!

 

On NYE 2010-2011, in the warm waters of Waikiki Beach, I proposed to her that she be my fiancee, despite advice from friends that she's too young and needs to "smell the flowers". She accepted, though surprised that it was so quick (8 months) after we met. Later in January 2011, she moved to the East Coast for school, and we have been seeing each other every 2-3 months for 1-2 weeks, in a long-distance relationship. We went to sex clubs once in a while, and even had a threesome once. She was always conflicted on the surface between monogamy and open relationships, but I found out later that she actually was scared by the prospect of committing to monogamy at such an early age.

 

Since she was only 22 when I met her, and wasn't very experienced with men and relationships (only 4 previous partners), and given that she was going to leave for school across the country and spend most of her time around smart attractive people, I knew that an open relationship was the most honest way to stay together. She agreed (reluctantly, for fear of losing me), even though I knew without a doubt that she was the one for me, and constantly reassured her of that. I had done my homework by reading Ethical Slut, Opening Up, and many online resources, including this forum (which I had joined in 2005). We discussed getting married once she'd graduate, two years from now.

 

In the intervening two years since she left for school, I only had sex with one new woman (a one night stand), and two former partners. She never had sex with anyone... until August, when she met a hot Latino guy at a dance club, who took her home and ****ed her the same night - something really not in her character. This fling got her very emotionally confused. I was hoping for something like "Hey love, I just spent an awesome night with a new guy, and can't wait to talk about it with you; thank you for being so understanding, I love you very much". Instead, I got "It was GOOD... it was REALLY FUN... [and I have a lot of doubts about you now]". She's been having sex with him since, and gradually falling for him (the signs were obvious) while claiming it was just a physical relationship.

 

I knew her having sex with someone new was bound to happen, and I wanted it to (and encouraged her to go for it) for two reasons:

1. She'd learn better what she wanted in a man (if you recall, I was only her lucky #5)
   
2. She would have some new exciting fun
   

 

Reason #1 could have two outcomes - the comparison with the new guy would strengthen her desire to be with me; or she'd realize that she wanted new things from her lover (husband?). Hopefully the latter would mean things I could fix (learn dancing maybe - which in fact I started) or improve. Or else, I'd learn sooner rather than later (say, after marriage or kids), and without "cheating", that we weren't meant to be as a couple.

 

So... - she had a "REALLY FUN" time with the hot new guy, and learned that she wanted someone else than me. I asked her several times since August, and in different ways, to articulate what she liked in him, so that I could either develop those qualities, or reconsider the relationship if that was impossible. With a lot of difficulty, I finally learned last week that she wanted a guy who is:

• Taller and wider, to make her feel more feminine. This hadn't been a problem with us, allegedly, until she gained about 15-20lbs and started feeling larger than me.
  
• Better endowed. Took me a very long while - two months - to get her to admit that he had a bigger cock, which allowed for some new positions. She also finally admitted that she was more attracted to him than to me.
  
• Great dancer
  
• More silly (or dorky? she wasn't quite clear on that)
  
• Interacting better with her friends. This is a recurring theme, though she can't quite come up with recent instances where I interacted badly with her friends, and the new guy hasn't interacted with them at all.
  
• Not exhibiting other "differences" that we have. Which exactly these are, I couldn't get her to communicate; she said she needs to think about it, which makes me suspect that they're actually hurtful things that she won't say to my face (she's a people-pleaser and a very caring person; something I cherish about her).
  

 

So after learning the above, while on a trip to East Coast to be with her, that i.e. she no longer really wanted *me*, I was devastated. :sad: We still got intimate during the trip, but it was quite apparent that she was not really into it. She'd pass out, be standoffish, refuse sex etc. Kisses were flat, and at one point I asked her to kiss me while pretending she really wanted sex. That fake kiss was awesome. And I felt like **** afterwards.

 

I can learn to dance, I can show her that I love meeting new people and her friends (which is in fact the case, though for some reason she keeps bringing up this as a "problem" based on some incidents from long ago, that we talked about, and that I never repeated), but I can't grow taller unless I undergo leg lengthening surgery like the guy in the movie Gattaca (and believe me, I've researched it, and it's $30-$90k and takes 6 months to a year, it's frigging painful, and I WOULD DO IT FOR HER), but I can't really become wider, and besides that, I have a nagging feeling that she just no longer wants to be with me and keeps coming up with justifications that I can't possibly deal with.

 

I've tried and tried to communicate, and learned some of her needs and wants, but I often get "I don't know"s, or "I'm confused". Plus, she's very busy with work and school, and attempts at online conversations are fraught with ignored messages. I'm afraid to bring up the relationship as a topic, because she complained that 80% of our communication has been emotionally negative for her.

 

To be honest, the quality of the communication frustrates me, because I asked her to educate herself just a little on open relationships if she really cares about me (which she claimed she does), but she hasn't even touched Ethical Slut or Opening Up, nor has she asked me anything about how to handle things better. She admitted she has been selfish, invoked the stages of love and how she moved from lust and attraction to attachment (I'm still very much attracted to her); and apologized for being "a terrible girlfriend". Nevertheless, I love her very much, all her flaws are manageable to me, and after 3.5 years, I saw myself married to her, even monogamous.

 

Anyway, after learning the things above during that trip, I booked a flight back for the next day, and have been bawling ever since (almost a week now). I tried the No Contact tactic in hopes of clearing my mind so I could move on, but she contacted me the next day saying she missed me, and the day after saying she was still thinking about me. Gradually, the way she greeted or called me dropped from "Hey baby, I miss you" to "Hello, I hope you're having a good day" to "would be hott to have NSA sex with you" and a tacit acceptance that she'll forget about me except for that purpose, which threw me into another session of crying my heart out.

 

I don't know what to do now. If I move with her on the East Coast, I could probably get some crumbs of affection and cuddling, maybe the occasional sex, perhaps while rebuilding my life and trying to find someone new to hug my broken pieces together until they stick. But it kills me to know that she really likes being with the other guy over me. This wouldn't be a problem if I entered the relationship knowing that (something I've tried in the past with a poly woman and was fine with), but to lose three and a half years of togetherness and be downgraded to NSA sex really hurts. And I still don't know exactly what she wants - it's entirely possible that the new guy won't work out as relationship material and she'll come back to me.

 

Predictably, I'm also scared that I won't ever meet another woman to really like and fall in love with, given that I'll never, for the life of me, make the mistake again of dating women even close to my height (this is not the first time I got burned because of my short stature), which drastically reduces my dating options. I also live in a suburban area that's not friendly to singles, my business isn't going well at all, and generally I'm in a pretty bad place in my life.

 

Is it wise to hold hope that a woman would come back to a man she was attracted to, and in a relationship with for years, after she discovers she likes a different type? Even if she comes back, won't she be secretly dissatisfied with the less-than-fantastic chemistry with me)? She has also developed doubts about marrying me and implied she no longer has long-term thoughts with me, so what's the point of being in a relationship?

 

Advice? Thoughts? Empathy? Tissues? Thank you.

[im_thedude]

Respects your intellect but doesn't respect nor love you enough to put something as petty as how tall you are aside?

 

Respects your intellect but doesn't respect you enough to not go sleeping with some random dude she met at a club?

 

She doesn't DOESN'T DOESN'T!!!!!!! respect you! I would run to the hills if I were you.

[NeverBAWuss]

Respects your intellect but doesn't respect nor love you enough to put something as petty as how tall you are aside?

 

I get how you think, and I think the same... I'm a logical, rational guy.

 

But I'm also in touch with my emotional/primal side. I've been with very smart women when just didn't have the body type I like... and I couldn't fall for them.

 

We need to be in touch with our instinctual selves if we are to be realistic.

[Never Again]

I get how you think, and I think the same... I'm a logical, rational guy.

 

But I'm also in touch with my emotional/primal side. I've been with very smart women when just didn't have the body type I like... and I couldn't fall for them.

 

We need to be in touch with our instinctual selves if we are to be realistic.

 

Ehhhh.

 

If your body type was truly an issue...if she couldn't find you attractive because of it...then she should have let you go long ago.

 

People don't just realize these preferences out of the blue. She either loves and respects you for who you are...or she doesn't.

 

She doesn't.

[im_thedude]

I just read the long portion of this story, and boy, is it rife with insecurities and problems.

 

You proposed to a woman, she moved away - and you suggested an open relationship? And then got jealous when she slept with someone she said was more attractive then you? You did this to yourself! You might have thought you could handle the consequences when you were doing your research but - lesson learned - you can't. Frankly, you should never attempt an open relationship again.

 

For the sake of both parties in this situation, both of you need to go your separate ways.

[NeverBAWuss]

I just read the long portion of this story, and boy, is it rife with insecurities and problems.

 

You proposed to a woman, she moved away - and you suggested an open relationship? And then got jealous when she slept with someone she said was more attractive then you? You did this to yourself! You might have thought you could handle the consequences when you were doing your research but - lesson learned - you can't. Frankly, you should never attempt an open relationship again.

 

That might be right... what bugs me about the situation is not that she's sleeping with another guy, but that she no longer wants me as well, and I've suddenly developed these "flaws".

 

I've slept with other women, but that hasn't affected my feelings for her in the least. I was just hoping for the same in her case.

[thefooloftheyear]

That might be right... what bugs me about the situation is not that she's sleeping with another guy, but that she no longer wants me as well, and I've suddenly developed these "flaws".

 

I've slept with other women, but that hasn't affected my feelings for her in the least. I was just hoping for the same in her case.

 

And you see nothing wrong with this??

 

TFY

[InnocentMan]

That might be right... what bugs me about the situation is not that she's sleeping with another guy, but that she no longer wants me as well, and I've suddenly developed these "flaws".

 

I've slept with other women, but that hasn't affected my feelings for her in the least. I was just hoping for the same in her case.

 

Wow, glad I skipped the long version now.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you screwed the pooch when you asked for an open relationship. It bit you in the ass. Now, she's screwing some other dude and kicked you to the curb because some book told you it was the wise thing to do?!?!

 

Move on dude. You said you were scared that you may not find a woman to fall in love with again is stupid. There's 7 billion people on this planet and you're saying the possibility of falling in love with at least one of them could be nil? Come on, dude.

 

Women have a hard time keeping emotions out of a sexual relationship. Bet that dumbass book didn't tell you that. By her sleeping with this Latin dude, he made her feel special, made her feel important in his life. You basically told her to sleep around with whoever, you don't give a sh*t. Therefore, you didn't give a sh*t about her.

 

 

So, my advice, chalk this up as lessons learned. Heal and move on. And if you find yourself in another relationship, for the love of Pete, DO NOT suggest and open relationship!

[NeverBAWuss]

And you see nothing wrong with this??

 

TFY

 

We agreed on an open relationship, so no, there was nothing wrong with me sleeping with other women within the past 3.5 years, which happened a grand total of three times. We talked about it each time it happened, I reassured her of how much I loved her, how I learned that I preferred her by comparison every time, and the relationship went forward. I never got emotionally involved with any of the women. Two were exes, and the third was a one-night stand.

 

Later she did tell me that her "starry eyed romantic ideal" was affected by my making use of the open relationship. So I guess that yes, agreeing to an open relationship did bite me in the ass, despite doing it by the book and getting her consent every time, and being all open about it.

 

However, if we stayed monogamous, I'm pretty damn sure she would've cheated on me with the guy I mentioned, and would've lied to me about him for a long while, as she hasn't had a Grass Is Greener period yet, and was away from me, and in an environment with a lot of temptation.

Edited October 28, 2013 by NeverBAWuss
Monogamous relationsh? She would've cheated.

[Mz_sassy_77]

She's either just using that as an excuse or she is super shallow. With both of my last long term relationships I wasn't attracted to either of them at first in a physical way. It was actually their personalities that I ended up liking and in turn ended up being attracted to them. There is a lot more to it then just the physical and I believe if she truly loved you it wouldn't matter what your body type is she still would of fallen for you anyway. That's just my experience though.