What Will Be Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 MM TRIED to go NC. Calls me nightly. We text. He tells me daily we need to stop. No can do! (both) He still wants (needs?) to talk to me even if we can't see each other. Says he's "trying" to make it work with W but yet he continues. My Q, why do they continue the dance?
maidai Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Why do you continue the dance That is not mean't to sound harsh by the way. If he won't keep NC you should. I take it he has made it clear he is not willing to leave his W and want's to R? If he had love and respect for you he would leave you alone during this time. It is not just lack of love and respect for his W its lack of love and respect for you BOTH x
Goodbye Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 They continue because it feels better than ending it. Simple. It feels good to contact you, so he does it. Immediate gratification. If he can't hold up his end, then you should try and hold up yours. Don't respond, don't reach out...go silent. 2
unicorn farts Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 He's probably trying to keep you on the line so he can reel you back in once W's suspicions die down... 1
threelaurels Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Why have just one slice of cake when you can have two? Having two women at his beck and call is a dream come true for many men.
cat Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 maidai beat me to it. First thought was "why do YOU continue the dance?" He continues the dance because he has a willing, able, and talented dance partner! The fact that you even asked that question worries me about your ability to pull away and recover... he'll keep going until you stop dancing. Period.
Author What Will Be Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 I read these threads. I see so much of myself in so many of you. I feel so much of the pain you all feel as the OW. Yet, I don't want to end it with him (again, like so many of you). He wanted to go NC as I posted, but still contacts me. I still contact him. I long for him. I want him. I'm angry at his W for interfering in our R. Wrong of me, I know. Every time I would voice an opinion to him regarding his M, which I tried to refrain from doing, sometimes it would just come out and he would tell me he needed to hear it. I would tell him it wasn't my place, I knew my place (ain't that a kicker, I actually said it to him, I KNOW my place *smh*). He always said I had a right. I'm his GF, his Lady, his Woman, the woman he loves. When he first tried to break it off with me I told him to do what he needed to do. He said he had to do the right thing and that meant breaking the heart of the woman he truly loves. He couldn't sustain for a day without contacting me, sneaking to see me for just a kiss. As sad and pathetic as it sounds, I love the crumbs I get. Makes me wonder what is wrong with me. Fall in love with a man and willing to take whatever "pieces" of him you can get. I still hold out hope he will say enough is enough with his W. Future faking was mentioned at one point here. I think he really believes. I think he really hopes that one day... one day we will be. And I want to believe too...
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 MM TRIED to go NC. Calls me nightly. We text. He tells me daily we need to stop. No can do! (both) He still wants (needs?) to talk to me even if we can't see each other. Says he's "trying" to make it work with W but yet he continues. My Q, why do they continue the dance? My Q is, why do you continue to dance and allow him to come to you still when he's supposed to be working his marriage? you have no control over what he does/says but you have COMPLETE control over what you do, what you say and how you handle this. Neither of you seem really 'ready' to actually let go and move on because you're both getting something out of keeping in touch. You are feeding his addiction, just like he is feeding your addiction to the feelings felt by keeping in touch. It's that simple. he has no intention of changing anything because he hasn't been forced to.
nicepuzzle Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 There was a time I felt the same way for my Xmm. Its all about the haze that we accept it all and are happy with crumbs. YOu should go NC for 1 year and than see if you still feel the same way. If he truly loved you, he will be with you today not her. Love conquests all and there are no ifs and buts...and love is not seeing in bits and pieces but giving it all we got, and you are doing that. But not him. He got best of both worlds and who doesnt want that. Sorry, but being OW once I learnt this. It was true love too but not enough. 1
imfine Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Wow. I can see your pain through your words. Be sure to love yourself as much as you love him. ((hugs))
Iaminnocentgul Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I read these threads. I see so much of myself in so many of you. I feel so much of the pain you all feel as the OW. Yet, I don't want to end it with him (again, like so many of you). He wanted to go NC as I posted, but still contacts me. I still contact him. I long for him. I want him. I'm angry at his W for interfering in our R. Wrong of me, I know. Every time I would voice an opinion to him regarding his M, which I tried to refrain from doing, sometimes it would just come out and he would tell me he needed to hear it. I would tell him it wasn't my place, I knew my place (ain't that a kicker, I actually said it to him, I KNOW my place *smh*). He always said I had a right. I'm his GF, his Lady, his Woman, the woman he loves. When he first tried to break it off with me I told him to do what he needed to do. He said he had to do the right thing and that meant breaking the heart of the woman he truly loves. He couldn't sustain for a day without contacting me, sneaking to see me for just a kiss. As sad and pathetic as it sounds, I love the crumbs I get. Makes me wonder what is wrong with me. Fall in love with a man and willing to take whatever "pieces" of him you can get. I still hold out hope he will say enough is enough with his W. Future faking was mentioned at one point here. I think he really believes. I think he really hopes that one day... one day we will be. And I want to believe too... I really hope good for you. (HUGS)
Author What Will Be Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 The emotional roller coaster is killing me. I texted him last night that "I" need to stop. I realize that I'm baiting him. I am. I want so much of him it hurts. W follows him everywhere. I can't see him. I told him he needs to quit being scared of her. He does! He needs to be happy. I want him happy. I never wanted to be the OW. Told him that from the beginning. How did I end up here? Why is this so hard? If it were just a PA there would be no love lost. EAs crush you. Hard! I don't want out. I don't want to lose him. Have I lost it?
Author What Will Be Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 I keep telling him to "Trust" Trust, believe, have faith... in us.
truthbetold Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Why are you groveling to him? If he loved you, he would be with you. Even if you believe the highly unlikely possibility that he handed his reigns of power over to his wife, what would even be mildly appealing about a guy like that? Do you think you're going to change him because you're different? It's who he *is*. No, ifs ands, or buts about it. If he's handing the control over to her, it's because "he wants to" It's his choice. He's not some little boy floating around letting life happen to him. By saying his wife is standing in way of your happiness, that's exactly what you are believing. Open your eyes, he's not valuing you enough to choose you, he made his choice. He wants BOTH not just you, don't ever chase a man. Think higher of yourself, if you don't no one else will either. We teach others how to treat us. Demand, and therefore receive better. 2
underwater2010 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Because they can and she is probably has no knowledge that he is still talking with you. My question right back is why do you continue to dance with him, when he is clearly telling you he is NOT leaving the marriage? 3
whatatangledweb Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 He has had several chances to leave his wife after she found out.She has caught him ..what? Twice? He is not going to leave her no matter what you say to him. He will keep calling you until she catches him doing it. You are really playing with fire here. You need to step away from his mess. 1
RickFox Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I read these threads. I see so much of myself in so many of you. I feel so much of the pain you all feel as the OW. Yet, I don't want to end it with him (again, like so many of you). He wanted to go NC as I posted, but still contacts me. I still contact him. I long for him. I want him. I'm angry at his W for interfering in our R. Wrong of me, I know. Every time I would voice an opinion to him regarding his M, which I tried to refrain from doing, sometimes it would just come out and he would tell me he needed to hear it. I would tell him it wasn't my place, I knew my place (ain't that a kicker, I actually said it to him, I KNOW my place *smh*). He always said I had a right. I'm his GF, his Lady, his Woman, the woman he loves. When he first tried to break it off with me I told him to do what he needed to do. He said he had to do the right thing and that meant breaking the heart of the woman he truly loves. He couldn't sustain for a day without contacting me, sneaking to see me for just a kiss. As sad and pathetic as it sounds, I love the crumbs I get. Makes me wonder what is wrong with me. Fall in love with a man and willing to take whatever "pieces" of him you can get. I still hold out hope he will say enough is enough with his W. Future faking was mentioned at one point here. I think he really believes. I think he really hopes that one day... one day we will be. And I want to believe too... I'm sorry to tell you this but he doesn't care anything about the future. he just wants the now. actions speak so much louder than words.... really they do 1
MissBee Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 MM TRIED to go NC. Calls me nightly. We text. He tells me daily we need to stop. No can do! (both) He still wants (needs?) to talk to me even if we can't see each other. Says he's "trying" to make it work with W but yet he continues. My Q, why do they continue the dance? Because he is cake eating/fence sitting...attempting to still have two incompatible things. He can neither be with you fully or leave you alone neither can he be with his wife fully or leave her alone...so he does both. In any case, we could guess all day about him, but truth is, breaking NC works both ways, if someone texts and calls and you NEVER answer, unless they are insane they will eventually give up. So he continues because you respond to him and still make yourself available to supplement his life on the side. That's the crux of it IMO. MM isn't willing to be all in with you or his wife, he is committed to neither of you, even though he claims he is trying or may feel guilty, and he keeps getting whatever you give him on the side because it's enjoyable and available and still keeps getting whatever he gets from his wife. 2
hollyhillcourt Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 OP as someone in a very similar situation (my exMM still calls and has been caught twice) all the advice you have been given so far is correct. Try and implement. Don't be the one still posting here in the same situation a year from now. Believe me, I know it's hard, sad, frustrating, etc but you have to do it.
ladydesigner Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 My Q, why do they continue the dance? Because they can if you'll let them and this goes for OW and BS.
road Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 MM TRIED to go NC. Calls me nightly. We text. He tells me daily we need to stop. No can do! (both) He still wants (needs?) to talk to me even if we can't see each other. Says he's "trying" to make it work with W but yet he continues. My Q, why do they continue the dance? Why are people fat? OM and fat people like to eat cake. Cake eaters.
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