Why you can't make your ex love you again (article)

[lindsay1990]

Why You Can't Make Your Ex Fall In Love With You Again | Thought Catalog

 

 

 

It's cruel but... what do you think?

 

 

(Been on hiatus, started new job )

[Philosoraptor]

You can't make anyone do anything, and trying to trick someone into loving you is nothing but pure manipulation. If someone decides to dump you it's because they've made a choice, one that they're entitled to make, that they don't want to be with you anymore. All you can do is accept the fact and move on yourself.

[mendsley]

That was a great read and true on many levels. Thank yoh for the link.

[esteem-jam]

I also do think in comparison .. with one or two persons who want so hard to be my friend, but those times have passed. We outgrew.

[AnyaNova]

On the one hand, I agree with the fundamental premise.

 

But if you extrapolate and try to apply the reasoning he uses to get there, to all relationships and all situations, you get to some scary conclusions.

 

And I don't think it is because the conclusions are accurate, rather, I think the reasoning used to get to the premise is wrong, leading to false extrapolations.

 

The idea that it isn't at all our decision (which I believe I have read research to the contrary, that indeed it is), and that it is some magical force which can be instantly shut off and never rekindled at all?

 

How do you think married couples who have been married for umpteen gazillion years and are still in love happen?

 

Do you think they just got the magic ju-ju?

 

Or do you think perhaps, keeping love alive takes work and creativity on the part of both partners.

 

This isn't to say that I object to the fundamental premise that we shouldn't waste our lives chasing after our exes, or that we shouldn't work to recover completely and find the new plates (church of the new plate, dude!).

 

But the reasoning here leads to some really fatalistic views that I don't think are really true at all.

[Never Again]

On the one hand, I agree with the fundamental premise.

 

But if you extrapolate and try to apply the reasoning he uses to get there, to all relationships and all situations, you get to some scary conclusions.

 

And I don't think it is because the conclusions are accurate, rather, I think the reasoning used to get to the premise is wrong, leading to false extrapolations.

 

The idea that it isn't at all our decision (which I believe I have read research to the contrary, that indeed it is), and that it is some magical force which can be instantly shut off and never rekindled at all?

 

How do you think married couples who have been married for umpteen gazillion years and are still in love happen?

 

Do you think they just got the magic ju-ju?

 

Or do you think perhaps, keeping love alive takes work and creativity on the part of both partners.

 

This isn't to say that I object to the fundamental premise that we shouldn't waste our lives chasing after our exes, or that we shouldn't work to recover completely and find the new plates (church of the new plate, dude!).

 

But the reasoning here leads to some really fatalistic views that I don't think are really true at all.

 

I am inclined to agree.

 

The conclusion is sound - that you cannot MAKE anyone else feel or act in a certain manner.

 

However, the journey he takes to get there chalk full of hyperbole and fallacies.

 

The underlying tone of the article is not acceptance for the sake of acceptance. It's a bitter, skewed view of human nature - it's an assertion of "acceptance" out of hopelessness - because you should just give up.

 

It suggests that once those ooey-gooey, passionate, "in love" feelings are gone...they're GONE, and that we should just accept this gloomy outlook and trudge forward.

 

It's not eye-opening or potent. It's the viewpoint of someone who saw both sides of the dumper/dumpee coin and make the false analogy that emotions are like fuses - trip 'em once and they're toast.

 

When one accepts that a relationships is over, they should be doing it out of hope for their own future - that they can let go of their ex-partner and move on, yet still look forward to a functional and thriving future.

 

I read this article when I was dumped and was disgusted.

[ColdAlone]

I think it's more of an 'in the moment' thing. Sure, if someone doesn't love you anymore, you can't make them. Certainly not at that point in time or shortly after, it's too obvious.

 

Sure 'it's there untill it's not'... What's keeping someone from keeping it 'there' ?

 

Love needs work, food... all the time.

[esteem-jam]

yet still look forward to a functional and thriving future.

Nothing is said in article that excludes this.

 

"Nature does not like emptiness" - sometimes I do think of this quote. Maybe, if only I stuck around she would fall for me. But on the other hand - who wants to be that pathetic person looking up at the table waiting for something to fall (crumbzz).

[L1ght]

.............

[L1ght]

I think the people here disagreeing with the article are the type of people who are not able to accept that an ex has completely shut the door on them.....delusional if you like.

It's a great little article that speaks the complete truth that dumpees are not able to handle. I have been on both sides of the coin and know exactly how it feels to make the decision to stop loving someone while I know they still love me........its completely pointless for them to even try to reason with me as my mind is made up and I get to the point where I want/need something new, its that simple.

I have also been on the receiving end of a harsh and immediate break up(twice actually) where I was completely in love and where there was completely nothing I could do to sway my ex-partners mind. Sure sometimes relationships can be salvageable if an ex is willing to give it another go but that's not the issue here is it........the issue here is when someone completely and definitively decides they are gonna stop loving you. There really is nothing a person can do and any attempt to get them back is absolutely pointless and a fruitless pathetic endeavour which will only lead us to more misery the further we go. Tough pill to swallow but that's just the way it is so ride the wave of love while it lasts cos the chances are that the wave will not last forever......only the lucky ones find that someone special in their lives while most of us dance around with different partners/lovers our whole lives.

Edited October 25, 2013 by L1ght

[bob the brave]

It's crap or at least a misuse of the word love.

 

It's definitely possible to fall out of 'like' with someone, to no longer be attracted to them, to be bored, tired of them. Maybe all this is encouraged by the appearance of someone else one finds newly 'attractive'.

 

But love never fades, never wanes. It has nothing to do with growth or change.

 

If we fall out of love with someone, then we never really loved them at all.

[L1ght]

It's crap or at least a misuse of the word love.

 

It's definitely possible to fall out of 'like' with someone, to no longer be attracted to them, to be bored, tired of them. Maybe all this is encouraged by the appearance of someone else one finds newly 'attractive'.

 

But love never fades, never wanes. It has nothing to do with growth or change.

 

If we fall out of love with someone, then we never really loved them at all.

B*llocks mate. People fall out of love all the time. I've done it myself and I've also had people who I knew for a fact were 100% in love with me end up falling out of love with me. Things change over time and so does the way people feel towards each other. Only the lucky ones find someone they can love there whole lives. Most of us never do.

[L1ght]

and love is just a word anyway. Its a word that is used to describe the deepest level of emotion we feel towards another human being. There is nothing mystical about this word yet some people act as if there is. Love is love and its impossible not to know when we actually feel it.

[Never Again]

I think the people here disagreeing with the article are the type of people who are not able to accept that an ex has completely shut the door on them.....delusional if you like.

 

You're making a tremendous assumption here, especially since those of us "disagreeing" are critiquing the premises he uses to reach his eventual conclusion.

 

Also, your personal and anecdotal evidence does not apply to the whole of relationships, so your experiences don't really prove much.

 

You even admit to "wanting something new", which does not imply a loss of love, but a lack of excitement. You finally make a good point when you state that love is just a term, but it means many different things to many different people.

 

The "deepest level of emotion" is only one definition, and incidentally, is a shallow one at that. Those "feelings" are often attraction, infatuation, lust. Most people tend to feel that love describes love describes attachment, bonding, and affection. These are less intensely felt, but more enduring.

 

I appreciate being called out when I'm actually being foolish, and I don't claim that my opinions are necessarily correct, but I also don't make obviously false sweeping generalizations about the viewpoints of others. You'd do well to do the same.

[L1ght]

You're making a tremendous assumption here, especially since those of us "disagreeing" are critiquing the premises he uses to reach his eventual conclusion.

 

Also, your personal and anecdotal evidence does not apply to the whole of relationships, so your experiences don't really prove much.

 

You even admit to "wanting something new", which does not imply a loss of love, but a lack of excitement. You finally make a good point when you state that love is just a term, but it means many different things to many different people.

 

The "deepest level of emotion" is only one definition, and incidentally, is a shallow one at that. Those "feelings" are often attraction, infatuation, lust. Most people tend to feel that love describes love describes attachment, bonding, and affection. These are less intensely felt, but more enduring.

 

I appreciate being called out when I'm actually being foolish, and I don't claim that my opinions are necessarily correct, but I also don't make obviously false sweeping generalizations about the viewpoints of others. You'd do well to do the same.

Love is the same for everyone. We grow up experiencing love/relationships for ourselves while observing our friends and the people around us experiencing exactly the same range of emotional growth and changes that we do.....so what the hell are you talking about when you say that my experiences don't prove much? People, love, life, relationships, fights, commitment, sex, one night stands, interest, attraction, emotional connections, spiritual connections, intellectual connections, repulsion, break ups, friendships etc etc etc are the same anywhere on earth since we are all human and we attract each other sexually/physically/emotionally/intellectually/intimately/mentally/(whatever) in the same way regardless of where we come from. I'm 32, I lost my virginity when I was 13 or 14 years old, had my first serious relationship when I was 16,I've never had trouble attracting members of the opposite sex and I've pretty much experienced every level of commitment on either end of the scale when it comes to relationships with women so actually I'm extremely confident that my opinion carries more weight than you would like to make out thank you very much.

Love is always a choice....we reach the point where we make a decision to allow ourselves to feel the most extreme sensation of liking/(loving) someone that is humanly possible to achieve or we can decide not to. The exact same thing can be said about falling out of love with someone and its always easier for the dumper to let go of those feelings quicker than it is for the person who gets dumped.

As for "wanting something new"? That was just a nice way of saying "wanting to get away from your partner(soon to be ex partner) once a decision has been made to stop loving them" I've done it myself countless times and honestly when I decide to end things I really don't spare a second thought about them.....that's just the absolute truth of it. Love is cruel and the people who end things normally have other options that they are already considering even before they decide to break up. It helps to see the warning signs though.I've had partners where I could feel them losing interest/love for me so I decided to dump them before they dumped me which saved a hell of a lot of pain......there is no worse feeling than the rejection of getting dumped by someone we are totally into and I think most the time when we do get dumped its our ego's that get in the way of us accepting it and moving on hence allowing ourselves to stop feeling love for them. Dumpers don't have to deal with the rejection so find it way easier to move on.....I certainly do every time I dump someone regardless of how deep the love I had for them once was.

Edited October 25, 2013 by L1ght

[Never Again]

Never said that your opinions were invalid, simply that you were attempting to use them as proof of how everybody experiences something.

 

Your claim that everyone experiences love the same way is a huge leap. Just because your emotions act like a switch, that you can suddenly make a decision about how you feel, is not mean that that is how everyone operates.

 

Again just because you think you've had a variety of experiences, and thank you for sharing, does not mean that these experiences mean anything to anyone else besides yourself. You are about a single human being and what has gone on in your life is unique to you and you alone. Anecdotal evidence is logical fallacy at its finest.

 

That being said, I completely agree with you that on some level love is a choice. You can choose to try, you can choose to move on, you can choose to care about somebody and you can choose to cut someone out.

 

You seem deeply invested in proving that you are right, which is a classic case of "needing to prove someone on the internet is wrong". Like it or not, you are coming on so strongly with your opinions that it seems like you're trying to pass them off facts which apply to everybody.

 

The article does the same, oh I suppose I can see why it resonates with you.

Edited October 25, 2013 by Pfenixphire

[Sweet108]

Things change over time and so does the way people feel towards each other. Only the lucky ones find someone they can love there whole lives. Most of us never do.

 

So we only need to be one of the select few and lucky people in order to have a lifelong romantic partner. Why risk it not lasting or working out if feelings toward one another will always change and someone will "fall out of love"

Ok well I might as well give up now, I have never been lucky at anything.

[Frank13]

So we only need to be one of the select few and lucky people in order to have a lifelong romantic partner. Why risk it not lasting or working out if feelings toward one another will always change and someone will "fall out of love"

Ok well I might as well give up now, I have never been lucky at anything.

 

This is a good perspective and how everyone should think. Being older, I can tell you that there is not always someone better out there or that you will eventually find someone. Even if you do, it will not last. One person always falls our of love and one is usually heartbroken. Neither place is a good spot to be.

 

The point is, for most of us love never works out. It is best to give up now. The pain isn't worth it.

[L1ght]

So we only need to be one of the select few and lucky people in order to have a lifelong romantic partner. Why risk it not lasting or working out if feelings toward one another will always change and someone will "fall out of love"

Ok well I might as well give up now, I have never been lucky at anything.

Its not about giving up. I mean what fun is life if we don't enjoy what it has to offer? Love.....its such a funny thing and it feels amazing so why deny yourself?

My advice is to just follow your heart and ride it out.....at least the break ups won't be so bad if you're half expecting it.

I guess I made the mistake of totally believing in my last relationship and that's why I got burnt but that's ok, I see clearly again now......ride it out, see where it goes and keep your cards close to your chest (in anticipation for the inevitable day when things go sideways and love turns to hate)

Edited October 28, 2013 by L1ght

[Kizmet Fisher]

It's crap or at least a misuse of the word love.

 

It's definitely possible to fall out of 'like' with someone, to no longer be attracted to them, to be bored, tired of them. Maybe all this is encouraged by the appearance of someone else one finds newly 'attractive'.

 

But love never fades, never wanes. It has nothing to do with growth or change.

 

If we fall out of love with someone, then we never really loved them at all.

 

I'm sorry, I try and avoid black and white judgements, but this is clearly wrong. That's like saying if you were struggling with depression, that you will always feel that way or you were never depressed to begin with.

 

As people change, so do their feelings.

[L1ght]

I'm sorry, I try and avoid black and white judgements, but this is clearly wrong. That's like saying if you were struggling with depression, that you will always feel that way or you were never depressed to begin with.

 

As people change, so do their feelings.

yeah I couldn't agree more. Its total bullsh*t to say that love never wanes or fades and the only reason I didn't respond to that sooner is because its totally laughable to believe it.

FACT! There comes a time in every relationship (6 months? 1 year? 2 years?) where real questions start to get asked about the future and these questions always change the dynamic of the relationship. Sure some relationships get through this test phase but guess what? There will be another change in the dynamic within another year or 2 and again only some couples will be able to get through the test....rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.

Things always change......from my experience its just when you are getting comfortable with things further down the line that something happens which will test the commitment from both sides in the relationships.

Things are never black and white and just because someone tells you they are completely in love with you today doesn't mean they will tell you that tomorrow.