Go no contact again, or remain friends?

[StringsAttached]

This is quite long so I thank you for reading beforehand.

 

So my ex dumped me about 6 months ago, obviously I was heartbroken and totally confused because she blindsided me. So I drank one day and called her and we started talking again as 'best friends' or that's what she likes to call it.

 

The relationship was perfect EXCEPT for the differences in religious beliefs. She's a devout Christian and I respect that. I told her many times that I don't care about our differences as I love her for who SHE is and not what or whom she follows. Now when she broke up with me she told me quite specifically that she wants a religious man and a Christian. While in the relationship she did not care that I am Muslim, she accepted it and then one day when I needed her most she sent me a text message not even a call, a friggin' text message which only made the breakup worse. Now she loves me for sure, but the religious thing is driving me nuts, i'm all but sure her family and her fellow Christians told her; 'that young mozlem bf you have might beat you and be a terrorist' and it absolutely sucks.

 

Needless to say I went NC for half a year and being the stupid guy that I am msged her first. She took it as a sign of 'yeah, I don't have to feel guilty anymore of how I dumped him and we can just remain friends forever'. The thing is I want her back and I love her. She does not want me back YET but loves me. Truly.

 

I'm so bipolar about this relationship. One day happily talking to her as friends, next i'm angry, sad and a whole bunch of other mixed emotions.

 

Now I prodded her and asked her if there is any hope in the future (which I should not have done but did anyway) and her response was; 'I won't say yes or no as it is too cruel for both of us'.

 

The kicker is that she got raped while trying to find a new 'partner' a couple months after dumping me (turned out he was a pimp) and I am sure she told me to get me to feel sorry for her and stay friends. Needless to say it worked and now she now has regained some control over me.

 

If I stay and remain friends, it'll only give her more cause to forget about me. You know the old; 'I feel like **** because I dumped him but at least i'm letting him be my friend'. But then again maybe if I stay with her in her hour of need and the HIV test comes out negative she'll come back to me as she spends all her free time either texting or calling me, so I know for a fact no other guy is

comforting her.

 

If I leave she will remember me as that mean ex bf who left her in her moment of need.

 

I've had many Gf's before but never loved one like her before. True, pure love which made me feel like I OD'd on ecstasy. I don't want to be just friends forever but I don't want to lose her?

 

Please lend your advice to a struggling heart. I don't know what to do any more.

Edited October 24, 2013 by StringsAttached

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

This is quite long so I thank you for reading beforehand.

 

So my ex dumped me about 6 months ago, obviously I was heartbroken and totally confused because she blindsided me. So I drank one day and called her and we started talking again as 'best friends' or that's what she likes to call it.

 

The relationship was perfect EXCEPT for the differences in religious beliefs. She's a devout Christian and I respect that. I told her many times that I don't care about our differences as I love her for who SHE is and not what or whom she follows. Now when she broke up with me she told me quite specifically that she wants a religious man and a Christian. While in the relationship she did not care that I am Muslim, she accepted it and then one day when I needed her most she sent me a text message not even a call, a friggin' text message which only made the breakup worse. Now she loves me for sure, but the religious thing is driving me nuts, i'm all but sure her family and her fellow Christians told her; 'that young mozlem bf you have might beat you and be a terrorist' and it absolutely sucks.

 

Needless to say I went NC for half a year and being the stupid guy that I am msged her first. She took it as a sign of 'yeah, I don't have to feel guilty anymore of how I dumped him and we can just remain friends forever'. The thing is I want her back and I love her. She does not want me back YET but loves me. Truly.

 

I'm so bipolar about this relationship. One day happily talking to her as friends, next i'm angry, sad and a whole bunch of other mixed emotions.

 

Now I prodded her and asked her if there is any hope in the future (which I should not have done but did anyway) and her response was; 'I won't say yes or no as it is too cruel for both of us'.

 

The kicker is that she got raped while trying to find a new 'partner' a couple months after dumping me (turned out he was a pimp) and I am sure she told me to get me to feel sorry for her and stay friends. Needless to say it worked and now she now has regained some control over me.

 

If I stay and remain friends, it'll only give her more cause to forget about me. You know the old; 'I feel like **** because I dumped him but at least i'm letting him be my friend'. But then again maybe if I stay with her in her hour of need and the HIV test comes out negative she'll come back to me as she spends all her free time either texting or calling me, so I know for a fact no other guy is

comforting her.

 

If I leave she will remember me as that mean ex bf who left her in her moment of need.

 

I've had many Gf's before but never loved one like her before. True, pure love which made me feel like I OD'd on ecstasy. I don't want to be just friends forever but I don't want to lose her?

 

Please lend your advice to a struggling heart. I don't know what to do any more.

 

You are living in the hope that maybe things will change. The only thing you are doing is being friends. Her saying "I wont say yes or no" BS shows she has no interest in that, but yet wants to still be friends.

 

I heard this on the board when I first got here and I use it to a lot of people today: Are you cool with hearing about her sex stories? Are you cool with her talking about a possible new boyfriend? Are you cool with maybe one day she get engaged?

 

Answer is no to those I'm assuming. Then no....you are not ready to be friends. You are only being friends to try and 'regain' whatever you had while IN a relationship. If she wants a relationship TRUST ME you will know. All she wants right now (and probably forever) is a friendship. Everything else is overhype in your head.

[StringsAttached]

You are living in the hope that maybe things will change. The only thing you are doing is being friends. Her saying "I wont say yes or no" BS shows she has no interest in that, but yet wants to still be friends.

 

I heard this on the board when I first got here and I use it to a lot of people today: Are you cool with hearing about her sex stories? Are you cool with her talking about a possible new boyfriend? Are you cool with maybe one day she get engaged?

 

Answer is no to those I'm assuming. Then no....you are not ready to be friends. You are only being friends to try and 'regain' whatever you had while IN a relationship. If she wants a relationship TRUST ME you will know. All she wants right now (and probably forever) is a friendship. Everything else is overhype in your head.

 

First off thanks for replying. I understand what you mean, whatever i'm doing right now is in the hopes that I get her back. Thing is she just got raped. How would it look like if I left her like this? She still confides in me, she still loves me. I can feel the reason why she doesn't want anything more right now is because she could possibly have HIV. Imagine that, you've had struggles all your life and you meet a guy who you do love but you can't be with so you try to find it again with a guy with similar beliefs and he ends up raping you and that old bf you had that you still love (she told me btw she told me she still loves me) is comforting you with this horrible tragedy.

 

You don't think she'll come around and see that true love only comes around a few times in a person's life?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

First off thanks for replying. I understand what you mean, whatever i'm doing right now is in the hopes that I get her back. Thing is she just got raped. How would it look like if I left her like this? She still confides in me, she still loves me. I can feel the reason why she doesn't want anything more right now is because she could possibly have HIV. Imagine that, you've had struggles all your life and you meet a guy who you do love but you can't be with so you try to find it again with a guy with similar beliefs and he ends up raping you and that old bf you had that you still love (she told me btw she told me she still loves me) is comforting you with this horrible tragedy.

 

You don't think she'll come around and see that true love only comes around a few times in a person's life?

 

......oh boy

 

Alright man, I understand what your thought process is because I've been there and ironically, the rape situation is very similar to what my ex went through.

 

Her personal life right now is NOT the reason she doesn't want more with you. She LEFT you months back because she didn't want the relationship anymore. Yes, she probably still loves you, but nowhere near the same as it was when you were dating. Think about it like this: Say the shoe was on the other foot and you were the dumper. You OBVIOUSLY want her back so you would MAKE SURE she knew that right? Her subtle coyness about the entire "getting back together" talk is actions I've seen WAY too many times (on here and real life).

 

There are two things you can do here: You can continue to be her friend with NO AGENDA (but from where I'm sitting, you obviously have an agenda) and make sure she is okay with the whole HIV situation OR remove yourself from the situation and actually move forward.

 

Am I saying ex's dont get back together? No...it happens. Its FAR more likely that I'm the starting guard for the Chicago Bulls this year lol but it happens. WHEN does that happen? When two people FULLY move on from a relationship and heal and become different people. Its VERY clear you havent moved on from the breakup and honestly, neither has she.

 

I'm not trying to be mean with this because I have someone in MY family that dealt with rape so its a touchy subject anyways, but that notwithstanding, she left you to be with someone else (no matter the religious beliefs or whatever else). If she EVEN comes back later, you are the 2nd choice...the safety school...the backup plan...see where I'm getting at? She knows (TRUST ME she knows) that you would get back with her in a snap of her fingers. She has that kind of control right now because you are just there like a lost dog. You're too close and the fact that you are still here is very noble and it shows you are a good person, but its not going to make her magically open her eyes and go "wow, he IS the guy I want." If that EVER happens in her head, like I said above, you would know.

[StringsAttached]

......oh boy

 

Alright man, I understand what your thought process is because I've been there and ironically, the rape situation is very similar to what my ex went through.

 

Her personal life right now is NOT the reason she doesn't want more with you. She LEFT you months back because she didn't want the relationship anymore. Yes, she probably still loves you, but nowhere near the same as it was when you were dating. Think about it like this: Say the shoe was on the other foot and you were the dumper. You OBVIOUSLY want her back so you would MAKE SURE she knew that right? Her subtle coyness about the entire "getting back together" talk is actions I've seen WAY too many times (on here and real life).

 

There are two things you can do here: You can continue to be her friend with NO AGENDA (but from where I'm sitting, you obviously have an agenda) and make sure she is okay with the whole HIV situation OR remove yourself from the situation and actually move forward.

 

Am I saying ex's dont get back together? No...it happens. Its FAR more likely that I'm the starting guard for the Chicago Bulls this year lol but it happens. WHEN does that happen? When two people FULLY move on from a relationship and heal and become different people. Its VERY clear you havent moved on from the breakup and honestly, neither has she.

 

I'm not trying to be mean with this because I have someone in MY family that dealt with rape so its a touchy subject anyways, but that notwithstanding, she left you to be with someone else (no matter the religious beliefs or whatever else). If she EVEN comes back later, you are the 2nd choice...the safety school...the backup plan...see where I'm getting at? She knows (TRUST ME she knows) that you would get back with her in a snap of her fingers. She has that kind of control right now because you are just there like a lost dog. You're too close and the fact that you are still here is very noble and it shows you are a good person, but its not going to make her magically open her eyes and go "wow, he IS the guy I want." If that EVER happens in her head, like I said above, you would know.

 

**** bro, the truth hurts but you're right. Absolutely right. I'll make my plans then. Thank you so much for the assistance.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

**** bro, the truth hurts but you're right. Absolutely right. I'll make my plans then. Thank you so much for the assistance.

 

Hey man its no problem. TRUST ME I know the feeling. Its been a year for me on mine and just helping people here and there on here since then too. Its tough to see good people like yourself hurt this much. If I could make everyone feel better on here, I would. Sadly, happiness comes from yourself and you only. Yes, certain people can enhance happiness, but its only YOU that can make YOU truly happy.

 

Honestly, just take it a day at a time. A problem I see on here a lot is people want to have this whole thing just planned out...like I want to get better in three weeks then call her on the 11th of November and then etc etc etc.....heartbreak and breakups just really dont happen like that. I think breaking up is easily (I'm 27) the HARDEST thing I've ever dealt with. I'm FINALLY (took a year for me but people can go shorter and longer) back to a strong point in my life. I don't NEED anyone to make me happy. I'm just now going on some dates (I went on three within the past year, but honestly wasnt ready and they crashed hard) and getting my life back.

 

You can too my man. Just remember that though it doesnt seem like it at ALL, things could be SO much worse. If you have a roof over your head, people that respect and care for you, then you are better off than a LOT of people in the world.