Ex agreed to meet, screwed up badly

[prexet]

My ex and I broke up 2 months ago, after having been fighting for a few months without any specific reasons. The breakup was very much spur of the moment. It wasn't exactly mutual, but I was actually the one who asked her if she wanted to.

 

After not having talked for about a month, I sent her a text wishing her well-- she's involved with something very taxing and I figured she could use the support. When I checked my phone, I had two missed calls, a voicemail and text asking if I could meet up at some point. I was thrilled-- I've been wanting to work things out and she was aware of the fact. However, she did not specifically elaborate on why she wanted to meet.

 

We met and the whole affair was just very flirty and she told me things you wouldn't typically tell even a close friend. She told me she was looking to relieve stress, and that in that past, I had always been her best means of doing so. I was completely happy to do that for her. However, a few minutes after we start talking, the conversation shifts more toward what I had been up to in the last month. She asked if I had been seeing anyone or if I had been hooking up with one of our close mutual friends, who she had seen a number of times since the break up. (Neither of us have.) She admitted to me that she had been keeping close tabs on me through instagram and facebook, even though I made sure to remove her for no contact purposes. Another point she made was that if we were going to start talking again we needed to be careful, because with the attraction, we would naturally hook up. None of this bothered me at the time because I was just happy to see her. However, she admitted that, while she still had feelings for me, she just could not jump back into a relationship. She said she just had a gut feeling and needed to figure herself out.

 

About an hour after we left each other, I realized I was really annoyed with all of the previously mentioned things. The whole thing just threw me off-- I felt like I had gotten the worst mixed signals of my life. I texted her asking if she had just wanted to meet with me to figure out if I was hooking up with our friend or anyone else and she insisted she wasn't. Then I got into it with her about why she was always checking my stuff even if she didn't want to get back together with me and I expressed irritation that she invited me out, knowing exactly how I felt. This blew up, badly, and she said I ended up making her feel worse than she already felt.

 

Naturally, I felt absolutely horrible the next day. I wrote her a HUGE letter to apologize and give her some advice on her anxiety. I texted her asking if she would mind meeting up with me so I could give it to her, and while she wasn't initially keen on the idea, she agreed to it. I'm supposed to see her at some point within the next few days.

 

My question is... should I try to support her in her troubling time and see if I can show her how good we are? Or should I just leave it be? I hate the second option because I don't want to see her hurting, but at the same time, it would probably save a lot of hurt if nothing will come of it. I know that, with the way I last acted, I really have to start from square one but I'm willing to if it means something will come of it. I'm surprised she even agreed to meet with me, but I think a part of her wants to see me.

Edited October 24, 2013 by prexet

[Sleepyhead]

I can understand how you feel terrible seeing her in a hard spot, it's only natural after being with someone for a while. But at this point I would say go back into NC... Wish her luck but tell her you need space. You can't be an emotional crutch for her, she broke up with you and was willing to lose you forever. It's not fair to you for her to still garner the emotional support from her old relationship while being single and possibly open to a new relationship should it present itself, especially whilst you're longing for more the entire time.

 

I know you want to be there for her and I think she does too. But her using you to emotionally support herself during a hard time isn't fair, and it won't bring her back to you. When the tough time is over or she finds someone new she won't need your help anymore.

 

I don't mean to sound terse or like I know everything about the details of your relationship, and of her. But from based on what you posted and from someone who has been in your ex's place before, I would really really recommend showing her exactly what her life is like without you in it. Maybe she'll be okay with it, maybe she won't and will want you back-- nobody here can tell you that. I wish you best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

PS. No need to feel like you screwed your meeting up--- you didn't. I don't think she had any intention of getting back together at that point anyway. It's only fair of you to be annoyed, she is technically using you right now. Don't apologize for that.

Edited October 24, 2013 by Sleepyhead

[BC1980]

Your example is why we should remain NC. We are too emotionally attached to these people. We can't think straight around them. I did something similar about 6 week post breakup. I saw the ex out and about and we ended up going to lunch. I truly did need to get the last of my things from his house, but it devolved into an emotional mess and another round of questioning. I should have stayed away because it was too early to be able to control my impulses.

 

Stay in NC and don't help her through her rough time. If you dump someone, you let go of fringe benefits like a shoulder to cry on. You are in no way ready to be around her right now.

[prexet]

I don't feel so bad about the message I was sending, but how I sent it. I said some pretty horrible things even though she kept apologizing to me... I've shown some people who are 100% on my side and they still believe what I said is messed up. I'm meeting with her in a few hours to give her my apology letter-- it may not do anything other than give me peace of mind.

 

I just remembered I still have a bunch of her stuff cause she never wanted me to give it back... I should probably send those back too.

[Assasda]

I dont think you deid too bad. I think she wants to be with you.

 

However women say things they dont mean all the time. To pad their egos, and for all sorts of reason. Stuff like, I wont sleep with you tonight, then, thats exactly what they do.

You shouldnt have blew up at all. When she says something all the wall, accept it like it was normal, and just move on with considering it.

That has helped me a lot.

 

Try to have fun, that you guys had in the beginning

[ColdAlone]

Not sure what your plan is here, but I would keep any 'advise' to her to yourself. No one likes to be told the way they are and what they should do about it.

 

You might end up screwing up more than you bargained for...

[prexet]

I think she doesn't really know what she wants as far as anything goes. Her situation is extremely stressful, and I think it's just wearing on her. I would get into it more but it's not my place.

 

The thing is, she asked for my help. I'm not really giving advice so much as I am trying to let her know how I deal with my own stress. I'm diagnosed with OCD and she believed I could help her.

[prexet]

Update: Met up and gave her my letter. We talked for a bit, and she said she wanted to use the meet up as a sort of barometer to see how we do, but she said after I freaked out that she thinks we should move on. She seemed a little too eager to stick around and talk though, so I'm not sure if she really feels that way. She said she would consider getting dinner with me. We'll see how that goes.