Dating knowing there is an expiration date and I'll have to leave?

[tigerdog]

Hey All,

 

I posted on here a month ago briefly about my situation. I'll briefly explain again. I'm moving halfway around the world for a job relocation in Australia (currently living in the USA) sometime in Feb for a year minimum. I moved into my place in August, met my neighbor, told him during our first conversation that I was moving, but we hit it off and started hanging out which turned into dating. This was not planned, it just happened. It's been over 2 months now. My original post was about something rude he had said to me because I was not comfortable having sex yet. We did end up working it out, he apologized, admitted it was wrong, he was trying to push me away and was frustrated and things have been great since. He's very considerate about his words and we still haven't had sex and it's never been brought up although we have gotten more physically intimate. He's introduced me to his family, friends and so on.

 

We still have 4 months till I leave and maybe I can delay it a bit. But lately, I've been noticing some things he says and does around me, that I'm very sure he's saying because of the impending move. He's trying not to get close to me, but then we keep getting closer. For instance, one day he tells me he's falling in love with me. A few days later he says it would be stupid for us to profess we love each other before I leave. Just earlier this week he tells me how easy it is being around me, how he can be honest with me and we have this beautiful and vulnerable moment. Then just today, I'm at his place and he says out of nowhere that he's honest with me cause I'm leaving anyway, and he can say whatever he wants cause it doesn't matter with me leaving. Sometimes he'll seem upset and comment on how much this is going to hurt when I leave, but how it'll hurt if I'm not around. When I met his best friends they told me how much they heard about me and how happy he is with me. His family was thrilled to meet me. Even when I sleep over, he'll whisper lovely things to me at 3am thinking I can't hear him but I do. It's clear that I'm important to him from his actions, but his words... it's like when he's vulnerable he can tell me one thing, and then another day he acts like what we have isn't special or important or I'm just some chick keeping him company. He even acted like this was FWB for so long, that it really took me off guard when he finally said we are in a relationship together. Then even after that, as recent as 5 days ago, he's talked about how stupid this is since I should be excited about leaving and looking forward to new adventures and how he would be holding me back if we tried doing an LDR.

 

It got so bad that he even ignored me for 2 days a couple of weeks ago and then contacted me with a full apology and saying how he's so confused right now.

 

It's driving me nuts because I'm falling in love with him, and I feel at any moment he'll change his mind and not want this. We did have a discussion, a big one a few weeks ago (shortly after my original post) where he told me this was stupid, being in a relationship is a bad idea and we should end it right now. He clearly was conflicted and saying that out of frustration (a flaw I've learned about him, he says stupid things out of frustration) after a couple of hours we decided it's better to give this a try and see what happens, than avoid it, since we already have feelings for each other and care about each other.

 

He's the type who has cut people off. He's brutally honest and has no issues letting someone go. I'm just starting to feel panicked and like I can't be fully open with him. I want to, but one day I feel so important to him and the next he says something that minimizes whatever we have. I realize this is a crappy situation but I have no idea how to handle this? Ending it now is simply not an option. We don't want to and things are already too deep. Should I be patient with him and give him more time to process his feelings? Has anyone been in a similar experience and dealt with this? I have brought this up to him before and he's assured me he wont cut me off and will tell me if he has doubts, but I can tell he's struggling with this tremendously and it comes out with the careless remarks.

Edited October 24, 2013 by tigerdog

[ThatMan]

Yes, hello, I've had experience with this. Let me ask you something, is there anything that's stopping him from processing his own feelings? No? How about yourself? Have you struggled to be considerate of your own feelings?

 

I have been in a situation in which the other person was making poor decisions. I couldn't force her to sort through her feelings and I couldn't force a relationship to work just because I wanted it to. In the end, the only thing I had ownership of were my own actions. I had to decide for myself the role that I would play in this relationship with the understanding she needed to decide for herself how to behave.

 

Let's recap.

He said something rude because you weren't comfortable with sex. He admitted that was trying to push you away. He said that it would be stupid to profess love to you because of the move. He also acted like this was FWB's, I thought you said there was no sex involved, but whatever. And you seem justifiably upset that he's the type who has cut people off.

 

With all of this on the table and out in the open, what now?

Only you can be considerate of yourself and decide what would be best for you. There will be both hurt and blame in any relationship but that's okay. I'm sure you are with him still because you love him. You clearly want a relationship with this man. The reality of the situation doesn't change just because of your emotions. He cannot be swayed into making the exact choices that you want to see him make. You should come to terms with that and decide whether or not you can handle what his behavior will bring into your life. I've learned that if a person is so conflicted and incapable of sorting through their feelings that they aren't ready for a meaningful relationship yet. This is just my own interpretation which is neither right nor wrong. I hope that you can make a decision that's good for you. I understand that this isn't a pleasant discussion. It's hurtful to see a person you care about say senseless things.

Edited October 24, 2013 by ThatMan
auto-correct...

[tigerdog]

Thanks for your response! To answer your questions and clarify a few things, yes, I have thought about my feelings. My last relationship involved physical abuse and cheating so there is some hesitation, but outside of that, I have considered if this is what I want.

 

There is no sex involved. We have fooled around. He acted like we were FWB but in the past couple of weeks has made it pretty clear we are in a committed relationship. This was his idea and I didn't push him. We had a discussion about it and at this early in dating, neither of us want to 100% agree to an LDR by the time I leave.

 

To explain the cutting people off thing, he's brutally honest with me. From the very first "hangout/date" he's told me that he has hurt women (no cheating, lying, or anything bad) because he'll start a physical relationship with someone and he's not interested in more, and then there's more. The girls gets very attached and he'll have to simply cut them off and ignore them when it's clear that they are very upset at his lack of interest and are trying to change him and want a relationship when all he wants is to keep it casual. At this point, it seemed obvious he didn't know where we were going, and wanted to put his cards on the table to prevent this situation from occurring (again, first date). I kept it platonic after that and informed him I don't do casual sex. For the first few weeks it was pretty much dating but without hand holding, kissing, nothing. We only ventured into romantic territory after HE admitted he liked me (I NEVER told him I liked him before that). Ever since then I've let him take the lead on saying he wants a relationship which he has. He told me he's falling in love with me a couple of times, but I'm not yet comfortable telling him that. He's told me that HE KNOWS he will love me and be heartbroken when I leave. After him telling me he's cut off other women due to them being too emotionally invested, it seems smarter to have him put his cards down, and weigh in if I want to get involved and hold back on reciprocating any of this. So he is not aware of how strong my feelings are for him.

 

For some reason I am not sure this would be much of an issue if I wasn't moving in 4 months. He's made it really obvious I'm an important person in his life. I think the "goodbye" is weighing on him though. And to reiterate it's hard for me to fully let myself go with him knowing he might just pull back one week and maybe even change his mind.

Edited October 24, 2013 by tigerdog

[ThatMan]

Let me be honest with you. I've known men who are brutally honest and open with their history of hurting other women. There's nothing that can be done to change the past but there is something you can do for today. Do not make excuses for the behavior of other people. When you were in a physically abusive relationship, it wasn't your fault that you were hurt. You cannot dismiss the behavior of other people and blame it on things like circumstance, future plans, and stress. You need to take ownership of the behavior going on in your own relationship. If a spouse is conducting themselves in a way in which you do not appreciate, then there's something you can do about it. Right now you can do things that are for yourself. Communication skills are important, and it looks like my phone has incorrectly deleted and replaced all sorts of words on occasion, so I hope that you are willing to look past that to practice new skills. You can always practice communication skills despite going through a turbulent time, thereby be in a better position to foster healthy relationships instead of abusive relationships.

 

This is what I like to do:

I might communicate with a spouse to understand their intentions. I am not a mind-reader and there's simply no way to understand another person without speaking to them directly. The first thing I may do is sit down one afternoon and think about where I stand in a relationship. I might ask myself whether or not I've assumed things about my spouse. When I look at the world through those rose-colored glasses we call love, it's easy to completely dismiss what people tell me. I need to stop and ask myself, "What do I know, and how do I know this?" When a person explains to me their past history of hurting people, I can appreciate that this is a very open and mature thing to do. However, I do not know why they would tell me this unless I ask them directly. Are they warning me, so that I can create my own decisions? Are they trying to absolve themselves of guilt and blame? What's going on exactly?

 

This is my first step in sorting through my own feelings.

I hope that you are willing to ask yourself difficult questions:

 

Does he want to keep things casual or serious?

Messing around as though you are FWBs is anything but serious. Most mature adults understands that FWB relationships are casual. He's told you that he eventually writes off people who are in FBW relationships with him. You are in a FWB relationship with him. What are you expecting?!

Has he directly told you whether or not he wants an exclusive and serious relationship?

 

How is it pretty clear that you are in a committed relationship?

How do you know that? Explain how he's clearly in a committed relationship with you.

Did he say that he wanted a relationship?

What nature of a relationship is he searching for exactly?

Has he ever told that what he is searching for out of a relationship?

 

Asking myself questions similar to those above help me understand my concerns. The second thing I do is think about my concerns, and then I bring those concerns out into the open. I try to speak very directly, and simplistically. I may ask, "Where do we stand right now? I know that this isn't a pleasant discussion, but you've expressed a concern with your tendency to hurt other people. If you are free sometime I would like to talk about this with you. I want to know whether or not you feel comfortable in this relationship or if you have any plans to cut me off." Then I need to become comfortable with the fact that anything she says to me is not an infallible truth. It's unrealistic to completely trust another person. But I don't need to. The only thing I need is to feel secure with myself and secure with my ability to create good decisions for myself even if my spouse behaves poorly.

Edited October 24, 2013 by ThatMan