Almost married

[bebop]

Hi,

I'm new here, I'm a grown woman, this is my first post, and I'm in dire need of feedback, please, please, please, including from guys.

I'll make this as short as I can.

I was married for many years, and now have been single for ten years. I've had my share of dating, romances, flings, etc. Then I tired of the scene out there and swore off things to focus on my own life for nearly three years, which was great.

Four months ago, I was NOT looking for anyone, I met the man I want to marry and spend my life with. When you know, you know. We've had a wonderful courtship and kept it old-fashioned, didn't hop into bed. Not for lack of wanting to. We're both in our 40s and wanted to take things easy.

He said he was in love with me, (he said it first, not I), asked me to marry him, I said yes, and Life Was Good. He was full of enthusiasm about our future together and every day told me he loved me. We never ended a conversation without saying it to each other.

Three weeks ago his work took him out west; after that he planned to spend Christmas here with me. Several days after his arrival out there he stopped calling, cold. Just stopped. He has always been excellent about calling without my having to ask him to be. I didn't pepper him with messages at all but left the occasional saying-hello-hope-you're-doing-well message here and there. No response. Then I let a week (seven days) go by without my calling. He did not call. With a sick feeling in my stomach I called him this morning. I said Hi, it's me. He said nothing. I said that something was obviously wrong, that it looked as if he had either lost interest in me or had taken up with someone, or both things, and that I thought possibly I should be saying goodbye to him. I was calm and rational but inside I was dying. He said absolutely nothing. Nothing. He stayed on the line, saying nothing. I stayed on some seconds, listening to him saying nothing. Then, in great pain, I hung up. The whole thing took two minutes. Maybe three.

I can only assume that another woman suddenly entered the picture.

I should add that there was nothing, and I do mean nothing, to precipitate a breakup. We had not been fighting or at odds with each other in any way and that's the truth. I can't point to anything other than another person in the picture. Yet, instinctively, it didn't feel like that. I have good instincts and I do trust them but it just doesn't feel like what it apparently is.

I've read through the threads here, and yes, I know all about He's Not That Into You. It definitely had not been going that direction, quite the contrary. This was all extremely sudden.

I won't contact him. I'm in love with him, I love him deeply, but No Contact is the only thing to do now.

Really, really hurting here, in some kind of shock state actually.

Comments, please, please. I can take the harsh; I just need some clear-eyed outside comment.

Was I right? Another woman?

Thank you.

[SoleMate]

How horrible, I'm so sorry that you had to experience this kind of pain. From ecstasy to despair in just a few heartbeats...and without the slightest hint.

 

As to whether it was another woman...possibly. However, I tend to doubt that he had a real r/s with you and then has gone on to a real r/s with some other woman. My intuition is telling me that this guy may never have been for real, because "real" people don't just walk out of "real" r/s without some cause or foreboding. I suspect that he may be a serial boyfriend; someone who has made a pattern of getting something started and then not finishing it off. Granted, I'm guessing based on limited info. But I feel that either this, or some slow-cycling mood disorder, are the only realistic causes. If it were another woman...the signals would be different, as you said. There'd be some coverup, excuses or justification. Instead...NOTHING???

 

Let me be clear...I am by no means saying that you were confused about his original signals or his stated intentions. He said all the right things to make you think he was serious. I just think that he can turn his signals from OFF to ON and back to OFF with very little effort.

 

Something also makes me guess that you did not have much "context" for this guy - i.e. you did not know his parents, siblings, coworkers, neighbors, golf buddies, etc. Next time, next guy, I would take 1 YEAR and make sure that you get to know lots of people who know him. You can ask about his overall character, behavior patterns, and quirks, and get an idea of what he is capable or NOT capable of. Ask him to tell you his history, and then casually ask the people who know him about details that may back it up. Any individual can snow another person effectively, but to snow large quantities of people over the course of years is rarely possible.

 

Again, I'm so sorry. You've had a horrible shock (which you handled very well on the phone). It is nightmarish to think that someone you have become so close to can just pull the curtain down in an instant and be gone. My sympathies.

[bebop]

Thank you.

 

Right now it's exactly like a sudden death; I've lost many a loved one to that and this is feeling precisely the same way. I'm walking through time like a zombie.

 

Your points are good -

I hadn't met his family yet - they live some distance away and we were planning a trip in the Spring to see them and also arrange wedding plans which would work for everyone. It's only two siblings and their families, his parents are not living. So I don't have a parental litmus in front of me to measure by either.

I did get immersed in his worklife and his friends, which for years have been one and the same; he is on the rodeo circuit and I met him through a temp. job I was doing for his company. To a one they all said they'd never seen him so happy as he became with me, that he'd been alone for some time after a very bad experience with a psychochick (by all accounts), and they were all extremely supportive of our relationship, both the men and women.

He treated me beautifully throughout - not suffocatingly so, just very gentlemanly, very kindly. We talked about everything, all the big stuff, money, children, life issues - it felt as if we were doing things right on our path to a future together.

We always spoke very freely with each other, comfortably. Lots of laughter, too.

None of it really adds up, somehow. I was braced for him on the phone to acknowledge another person - I'd far rather know than not know, and step out of the way - I don't know.

The mood thing - I wonder. Just don't know.

 

Any and all further comments/perspectives welcome, definitely. Needed. Ah. This HURTS.

[Pendawn]

I sadly don't have any advice, I just wanted to sympathise and say how utterly horrible for you.

 

To have a relationship that you think is leading to marriage (especially as he asked you!) crumble is bad enough but to do it the way he has is just cruelty. IMO I know this isn't much help as you love him but a man who loved you should be able to say "I'm sorry I've changed my mind about us" for whatever reason, rather than just go silent and leave you hanging.

 

He is either an immature coward or he does have some mental health problems.

 

So sorry you're going through is, i hope you have some friends/family around you to help you while you try to stay above water.

[bebop]

I know from your posts that you're going through your own stuff, too. When this junk happens during the holidays it's more acute, too; at least for me it is.

I have good support around me, and I have a life, lots of friends, no family to speak of but a fantastic grown son and my friends are my family. And I'm grateful to have found these boards.

This is going to be a rough long thing for me, I suspect. And I wonder if it's really over and done. That isn't wishful thinking. It's instinct again at play. In any event, it's going to be awhile for me, no question.

Still a zombie. Still wondering what in the good hell happened.

[SpaceCoyote]

My deepest sorrows to you, Bebop. I joined this board not long ago...I wanted to help people with their pain in any way I can and maybe in some small way come to grips with my own pain. But I can honestly say that I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. Your story sounds just short of tragic, to lose your love so shockingly. The gut feel I got when I read your story is that at some point during your separation, he had some sort of "moment of clarity" (for lack of a better description) where he suddenly realized that it wasn't what he wanted. Though it might not seem like it to you, I would guess that your relationship moved rather quickly - if I understand correctly, you met and advanced to the point of marriage in a span of 4 months. Perhaps it all caught up to him and in a panic, he "fled" i.e. retreated away from you without warning or explanation. As others have said, it is certainly not the most mature way to have faced his problem, but he probably couldn't think of anything else.

 

I can't imagine it is entirely over and done, as you have wondered. If he is any human being at all, he will attempt to get in touch with you once he has calmed down or thought it over some more and realizes how much hurt he caused to someone he claimed to have loved. You might not get the answers you want to hear but at least you should get some closure, which you deserve.

 

Take care of yourself. You deserve better than what happened and you deserve better than him.

[bebop]

It certainly could be, and it may be a classical case of cold feet. In either case, though, he should have talked it over with me. We talked so freely, and had no communications problems at all, another reason I'm so blindsided. I wish he had spoken with me about what is going on in his mind right now. I would have been able to listen. You're all quite right that he should have talked with me, and I hope that still takes place. I'll not call him, though, it'll be up to him when and if.

Would the silences on the phone have been guilt? Depression? Unwillingness to tell me something? The silence felt sad. To be honest. I sensed sad, over the phone. There are hostile silences, stupid ones, bored ones, all kinds. This felt very quiet and bummed out.

Is it possible for people to abandon happiness because they're afraid of it? Here's what happened to him in the space of 45 days just last year, all this surrounding his birthday. (Not at the holidays, btw.) His father was mugged and murdered, the father was buried on my fiance's birthday, two weeks later my fiance came home to psychochick in the sack with a friend of his, she then cleaned him out of quite a bit of stuff, then a few weeks later his mother died of heart failure.

Will people run away from a good thing after great trauma? Might he be doing that? He always, always talks about what a truly Good Woman I am (his words) and he does mean it. Would he be panicked by that?

Damn and blast it all.

[debs]

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My heart does go out to you and yes I know your pain to have bliss and suddenly such ragged pain and emptiness and at the holiday season to boot!

 

*sigh* I have no advice except to please take care of you! Be good to yourself!!!

 

Know all of us here will be as supportive as we can.

 

Please keep us advised!

 

Best Wishes!

[moon]

Man, that has to be hard!!!

 

Well, at least you only knew the guy four months. Does he have a history of jumping feet first into relationships and backing out later? (What has he said to you about the past?)

 

He sounds like he had cold feet........or could have taken up with another woman, maybe. He sounds terrified if he won't even acknoledge you on the phone. He sounds like a big baby. This is a grown man?

 

I don't know what you should do. This is one of those times I would NEED some closure. But how to get it with out feeling like you are begging to know what maybe you already know. He's scared, he's changed him mind, he's on to someone (or something else)......who knows?

 

I might give it a few more days (even a week) until you do anything. He knows where to find you. But if he doesn't call you again I might send an e-mail (more non confrontational) and say what's going on????

 

If he doesn't respond.....I might just let it go. What a crazy man. He sounds like someone who will probably slither back after a month or enough time that he can get color back in his face, straighten out the white knuckles and wipe the beads of sweat from his brow. He sounds like a man who's panicing. But who knows.

 

I hope you surround yourself with good friends, get some good movies to watch, a journal, a therapist and take it easy. Good luck to you.

[immoralist]

I suspect too much happened too fast and, when this guy left your emotional/physical orbit, he got very, very cold feet about the engagement and impending marriage. You're both in your 40's, and became engaged after a whirlwind 4-month courtship. That's alot in a relatively short time period.

 

That's a significant life step. I surmise that once work took him out West, and he left your sphere of influence, he reconsidered the entire relationship. The fact that he shut down tells me that, once he no longer had daily contact with you, he concluded that he was really not that into you--at least to the point of marriage.

 

And being a coward, and wanting to avoid a scene, he simply went mute with you, in every conceivable way. I don't believe there's another woman. Rather, I suspect this guy realized he was in way over his head and just shut down the relationship.

 

I know this is painful, but better to know this now than 5-years into your marriage.

[bebop]

All these replies are helpful, and I deeply appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to a total stranger here.

It's now been 24 hours. I was still in zombie state this morning, and had not cried at all yet. Just totally in shock. Then, just now, I went out to the store and had to turn around and drive home, I could not stop crying in the car, and can't stop now.

Whether or not there's another woman somewhere in the mix, cold feet seems to be the thing, I guess.

Things did move fast in terms of getting engaged. However, getting married was open-ended, there wasn't a big rush order on it.

We had a cold feet conversation a few times, when things were going fine, because I was mindful of how quickly things had moved along. I gave him every opportunity to talk about cold feet and whether or not he might get them or have them. He always adamantly and cheerfully said no cold feet.

Was there more I could have done? We literally talked about everything, and it was always clear for him that he could talk to me about anything at any time. Which he did. Till he shut me down with total nothingness.

Oh man.

I've been around the relationship block, the good, the bad and the ugly, but this is a new one on me. I had my eyes wide open, wasn't "swept away", just very content. I guess it beats being jilted at the altar but you know what? It feels just the same.

If/when he reappears what I'd like is to talk it through with him. This open-ended question mark is not bearable. From there, I haven't a clue. But at the very least, some answers from him would help.

This is really, really bad.

 

 

As an aside - I fell immediately in love with him, but being grownup and careful and wary, and in general no-guy mode anyway at the time, I did and said nothing about it, and would not have had HE not initiated EVERYTHING. Which he did. *head spins round and round*

[bebop]

I'm so glad I didn't fall into the sack with him. (We intended to, over Christmas, bigtime.) It was mighty, mighty hard to resist, there was tons and tons of physical chemistry between us. You reach an age and a stage, sometimes, where getting physically close too fast doesn't seem so wise anymore. Thank God I didn't, as I'd now have that broken connection to deal with as well. This is enough as it is.

 

 

Sometimes when things end, you have that betrayed, "it was all bull**** then, or a lie, or a waste of time" feeling. Curiously, I don't have that sense here. Which would support the cold feet theory. In other words, it was real. For a minute.

 

*bangs head and heart against wall*

 

To answer an earlier question - his history, by his own and all other accounts, is to commit, not to start things and then jump ship. This appears to be an aberration. Lucky me.

[theone44]

Originally posted by bebop

Hi,

I'm new here, I'm a grown woman, this is my first post, and I'm in dire need of feedback, please, please, please, including from guys.

I'll make this as short as I can.

I was married for many years, and now have been single for ten years. I've had my share of dating, romances, flings, etc. Then I tired of the scene out there and swore off things to focus on my own life for nearly three years, which was great.

Four months ago, I was NOT looking for anyone, I met the man I want to marry and spend my life with. When you know, you know. We've had a wonderful courtship and kept it old-fashioned, didn't hop into bed. Not for lack of wanting to. We're both in our 40s and wanted to take things easy.

He said he was in love with me, (he said it first, not I), asked me to marry him, I said yes, and Life Was Good. He was full of enthusiasm about our future together and every day told me he loved me. We never ended a conversation without saying it to each other.

Three weeks ago his work took him out west; after that he planned to spend Christmas here with me. Several days after his arrival out there he stopped calling, cold. Just stopped. He has always been excellent about calling without my having to ask him to be. I didn't pepper him with messages at all but left the occasional saying-hello-hope-you're-doing-well message here and there. No response. Then I let a week (seven days) go by without my calling. He did not call. With a sick feeling in my stomach I called him this morning. I said Hi, it's me. He said nothing. I said that something was obviously wrong, that it looked as if he had either lost interest in me or had taken up with someone, or both things, and that I thought possibly I should be saying goodbye to him. I was calm and rational but inside I was dying. He said absolutely nothing. Nothing. He stayed on the line, saying nothing. I stayed on some seconds, listening to him saying nothing. Then, in great pain, I hung up. The whole thing took two minutes. Maybe three.

I can only assume that another woman suddenly entered the picture.

I should add that there was nothing, and I do mean nothing, to precipitate a breakup. We had not been fighting or at odds with each other in any way and that's the truth. I can't point to anything other than another person in the picture. Yet, instinctively, it didn't feel like that. I have good instincts and I do trust them but it just doesn't feel like what it apparently is.

I've read through the threads here, and yes, I know all about He's Not That Into You. It definitely had not been going that direction, quite the contrary. This was all extremely sudden.

I won't contact him. I'm in love with him, I love him deeply, but No Contact is the only thing to do now.

Really, really hurting here, in some kind of shock state actually.

Comments, please, please. I can take the harsh; I just need some clear-eyed outside comment.

Was I right? Another woman?

Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

Well what i see here is, he is not ready to commit to marriage,and he is afraid to call to tell you this. When it get to the marriage part,most men punk out and run like scare little rabbits. You is doing the right thing,just leave him alone and continue the "no contact thing. I see you know the "no-contact"rule very well then most people on this LS. Let him come to you. not you running down after him. if he call you.wait about two days,before you call him back. When he does call you makE it short and sweet(act like you busy). be the first to end the conversation,and don't reveal any of your personal life to him at this time. That would make you more mysteriuos and attractive to him.

 

Just continue to work on you and your own life. " He will be calling" soon.

[moon]

Bebop,

 

If it makes you feel any better, I dated a man for roughly three years out of four years of knowing him (we broke up for one year). We talked about marriage, kids all of it. We discussed travel.....we had our whole year planned out next year. We moved in together and then had some fights and a week later (after I moved out) he took up with his next door neighbor and I haven't heard one word from him in almost two months. NOTHING. I now live at the opposite end of the same state----mind you I have not called either. I was really angry and mean to him the last time we talked. He's just moved on. I guess I have too (or should). It feels strange. It feels strange that he wouldn't have more second thoughts about it, but he told me he was scared of me, too. We just got in soooo deep. And neither of us were sure we could make the whole thing go.

 

He was more of the initiator for all the big relationship talks. He told me he loved me first....he said it all the time. He asked me to marry him with in a month of knowing each other. Now........he's totally gone.......

 

Split, there's no contact anymore....gone. I couldn't imagine if I had called him to talk and he picked up the phone yet didn't say anything on the other end of the line. That's weird. I suspect that deep down this guy (you were dating) has some weird qualities that you just didn't pick up on yet. I mean......why not just let the machine get it. The only time I've ever had somebody not say anything on the other line when I called was when we were in a heated argument...I hung up or he hung up and I called back soon after. If you were not in some big screaming fight only moments before, then I think it's weird that he would not address you at all.

 

I think the next phase of this is that this guy (unless he's got another woman) is going to start feeling REALLY BAD. You probably wont know it though. Do you think he might be sort of a manic depressent? Like the kind that goes on high and lows. He was with you on a big roar of adreneline and now he's down again? Does he take medication for anything?

 

Good luck with this. I'd say follow your instincts about what to do about this situation. But at the same time I'd probably give it some more time before I went begging for answers. He might volunteer them if he's feeling comfortable again. He sounds like a real scaredy cat. Like a big baby.

 

Hope you are feeling better!! You know we all get duped at one time or another by Mr (or Ms) Casanova....it happens. The sweet talkers......the ones who are really just afraid you'll find out who they really are----maybe just boring and pathetic people. So don't feel so bad. Seriously.....at least this guy expired in four months. That's great.

[bebop]

Well, it always, always helps to read other peoples' stories. But egads I sympathize with everyone here; it's really a shock to me what people end up dealing with.

I've been fortunate - I was only ever in one big bad damaging nasty thing, and that was entirely my fault - I KNEW it was bad, he was bad, and continued anyway. Bad boy sex/passion/drama thing. My own responsibility. (Long time ago and never again.)

I tend to be very careful in my choices. Very. I was careful in this, too. Not sleeping with him too soon was a component in that care being taken.

Our first month was an intriguing way to start out, and fun. The nature of what I was doing for his company meant I was there sometimes 18 hours a day. We were around each other all the time in very loose work circumstances. It was extremely casual, not a real-world work situation. So I was really in his pocket continually and he in mine. I got a very close early look at him, breakfast lunch and dinner. (Figuratively and literally. We took every meal together. At HIS behest. Which I did because it was great.)

I paid attention, I didn't get all swept away. I didn't see anything alarming. That doesn't mean there wasn't anything. But if something's there it's well-hidden.

I can't think of a single red flag from the entire four months. If I could I would post it because no one can advise if they haven't the facts. I've raked over every second spent, every scrap of conversation - honest to God, there's nothing.

Medications, not so far as I know. Key words there, though.

I never slept yesterday, last night or today, and now at 2 a.m. I think I can. I thought I could an hour ago but no go. Time to try again.

I absolutely will not contact him, not now, not later.

I do think he will resurface eventually. What happens at that point is not even speculationable. (Just invented that word.)

 

Opinions and comments still welcome, if anyone else feels like weighing in. It's a weird one, isn't it.

[bebop]

Just writing this out, to maintain shred of sanity.

Skipping amongst zombie-state, crying, functioning, hourly skipping through all the nasty stuff. Zigzag, zigzag. I'm all too familiar with the grieving process (deaths, and one divorce) and I do allow it to take place, you have to or your brain will break.

Desperate for sleep but end up only dozing an hour or two and waking up either in tears or zombiestate. Normally I can sleep like Rumpelstiltskin, no problem.

Hoping that tomorrow I'll be able to function in public without spontaneous tear combustion.

Want to ban Christmas this year.

 

[bebop]

Okay, raking through four months of happy stuff, combing through conversations with a fine tooth and microscope.

 

All I can find thus far is a comment he made about four weeks ago on the phone.

He questioned whether or not he was "good enough for me". His words. I was quite taken aback and thought we had talked it through capably and thoroughly. His previous two relationships were with Total Psychochicks, which I emphatically am not. He removed himself from both situations but obviously has at the very least an initial attraction to that. I am out of the norm for him.

 

Any comments?

 

 

Gah, this is making me nuts. I'm a writer with deadlines and can't write for **** this weekend.

Hate this.

[immoralist]

He questioned whether or not he was "good enough for me".

 

 

That was a major storm signal. In fact, the "I'm not good enough for you" script often signals a relationship exit. Guys are usually not gratuitously cruel. If, for whatever reason, the guy concludes that the woman is not The One, and he wants to get out of Dodge, he often faults himself for not being worthy to continue being in a relationship with the woman whom he now wants to dump.

 

The woman sees through this "I'm not worthy" charade in a New York Minute. Because the question, in response, is "If you believed yourself worthy to bed me and ask me to marry you, why, on God's green earth, do you feel unworthy, now?"

 

There is no answer, and usually none is given, because most guys, after the "I'm not worthy" BS, are gone and have shut down completely to the now ex.

 

Welcome to the Darwinian mating jungle.

[bebop]

Christ, that's novel.

 

I'll take that under advisement.

 

The world will be a far better place when people start speaking direct actual plain English to each other rather than all this frigging gamesmanship and evasion and bullmanure that goes on. Just say what is true, for God's sake.

 

I have never had this sort of problem with any man, short or long term. Never. I see from the experiences posted on these boards that it's rampant, sadly.

 

When he brought it up, it seemed a legitimate issue for him. He would have, in fact, been "marrying up". That is not a pat on my back, it's just a fact. It did not seem like an evasive action, though I'm willing to concede that it may have been. I'm just not convinced, not yet. It may turn out to be the case. We'll see. The sticking point to all of this is that I'm a very clear and straightforward person, not afraid to take it on the chin, I prefer honesty at all times even when it's unpleasant, he knows this, and I gave him every opportunity to express cold feet or wanting to get out. (Being mindful of how quickly things had moved along.) Every opportunity. We spoke very, very openly at all times.

 

The behavior continues to make no sense in too many ways.

 

Appreciate your p.o.v. though, thanks.

[bebop]

He just called.

 

I let the machine take it and I have no intention of returning the call.

 

All he said was, "This is ******." (His name.) And he trailed off, then nothing, then he hung up. He sounds extremely, extremely bad. I've never heard him sound like this.

 

He's still out West.

 

Very intriguing, but I'm in No Contact, period.

 

The saga continues.

[moimeme]

This is utterly ridiculous. This is beyond belief.

 

Not one person in all these answers has suggested that you speak to him. Communicate. Talk about it. You call him, he doesn't speak, nor do you, and that's it and instead of calling and asking questions, you just engage in wild speculation - and the people here do it with you.

 

For heaven's sakes it could be ANYTHING. He had horrible things happen to him. Maybe he didn't process them and they've just crushed him now. Maybe something happened to throw him into a PTSD episode. Maybe he was weeping and speechless when you called and didn't want you to know. Maybe he's found out he has cancer and couldn't tell you.

 

But do you try to find out from the man himself? No. You just try to second-guess and ask people here to second-guess with you. And rather than anybody suggesting you speak to the man directly, they all join you in this speculation.

 

It is absurd and then some. CALL HIM IMMEDIATELY AND TALK TO THE MAN. You do not just trail along in a relationship. If the other person drops the ball for a bit, you pick it up. And you absolutely don't just allow something like this to go on without speaking to the person himself and asking what is going on.

 

You cannot possibly find out from people here - no amount of speculation can possibly come up with all the possible reasons for his inability to speak to you. You MUST ASK HIM.

 

Cripes.

The sticking point to all of this is that I'm a very clear and straightforward person, not afraid to take it on the chin, I prefer honesty at all times even when it's unpleasant

 

Oh really. Then why haven't you questioned him? Why did you not utter one more word in that conversation?

 

Un be lieve able

[SpaceCoyote]

Hi Bebop. Just wanted to say hang in there. Sorry to hear you are having trouble sleeping. I know in my worst times, I could only force myself to get maybe 3 hours a night. If you are going off of 0 hours and it continues that way, you might want to consider getting something to help you sleep. I am not at all a huge fan of taking medications to solve things, but you simply can't live without sleep. You're just destroying yourself physically on top of the emotional things.

 

As for the other issues, I can't say I agree with Immoralist's assessment. I think a guy can say "I am not good enough for you" and legitimately mean it. There are some guys who just have self-esteem issues and tend not to think very highly of themselves. If guys like this get into a relationship where they perceive the other person to be more attractive/smart/successful/etc. than they think they deserve to be with, then they will feel inadequate to their partners. And (sadly) I can say all this from experience. However, how all this factored into what your guy pulled on you.... I have no idea. But based on his most recent phone contact with you, I don't think your guy is quite right, at least not anymore. Based on the way he is acting and how out of character you say it is, it almost sounds like he had a breakdown of some kind. Some kind of mental problems that were well-hidden in his psyche came bubbling to the surface. Whether it has anything to do with these self-esteem issues, fear, or something entirely different that we haven't even hit upon yet is unfortunately anyone's guess.

[moon]

Bebop,

 

That is weird again. He called again and didn't say anything on the phone. What is with this guy???

 

I have heard this "I am not good enough" thing too or it was once put like this "why do you like a man like me" the translation for me was that he was hooking up with somebody else or was planning on doing something horrible to me...........which he did (same guy as above post). He ran off with another chick when we broke up, but he might have been getting a little something from her before that because she lived next door to him (but only for a month and I have NO confirmation of that). Anyway, so the translation for was....basically him thinking, I got somebody else lined up here, I am a complete jerk because you didn't deserve it, I am about to do something totally horrible to you...........and then he did. But we did have tons of fights and he had "other problems" too. But anyway....that was the jist of it for me. The way you are saying it is that this ex guy you were with did essentially see you as better than his last girlfriends, so maybe he wasn't used to a sane woman....thus he wasn't good enough....Or maybe he's the insane one and knows it!!!

 

 

BUT....BIG.... BUT--- I'd watch out for a guy who called all his exes psychochicks. Seriously.....They probably just called him on his crazy break up pattern (or strange behavior) and then he thought ...oh these girls are nuts. He sounds like the psycho (maybe). Did it make you wonder when he told you these horrible things about his exes? Why did he go out with them then? Was he acing all saintish like...."oh those girls were crazy! I had to put up with a lot from them!" Sounds like it was probably the other way around.

 

Anyway, if this guy calls again, I would do as an above poster said and in fact talk to him. Make sure it is at a time you've regained your senses (you are feeling okay or at least not a nervous wreck). He does sound like a tripper.

But maybe make a list of all the things you want to ask him.....starting with why??? But still maybe give it a few more days until you get your head together. He sounds like a strange bird. Not your fault!

 

Good luck.

[moon]

Bebop,

 

That is weird again. He called again and didn't say anything on the phone. What is with this guy???

 

I have heard this "I am not good enough" thing too or it was once put like this "why do you like a man like me" the translation for me was that he was hooking up with somebody else or was planning on doing something horrible to me...........which he did (same guy as above post). He ran off with another chick when we broke up, but he might have been getting a little something from her before that because she lived next door to him (but only for a month and I have NO confirmation of that). Anyway, so the translation for was....basically him thinking, I got somebody else lined up here, I am a complete jerk because you didn't deserve it, I am about to do something totally horrible to you...........and then he did. But we did have tons of fights and he had "other problems" too. But anyway....that was the jist of it for me. The way you are saying it is that this ex guy you were with did essentially see you as better than his last girlfriends, so maybe he wasn't used to a sane woman....thus he wasn't good enough....Or maybe he's the insane one and knows it!!!

 

 

BUT....BIG.... BUT--- I'd watch out for a guy who called all his exes psychochicks. Seriously.....They probably just called him on his crazy break up pattern (or strange behavior) and then he thought ...oh these girls are nuts. He sounds like the psycho (maybe). Did it make you wonder when he told you these horrible things about his exes? Why did he go out with them then? Was he acing all saintish like...."oh those girls were crazy! I had to put up with a lot from them!" Sounds like it was probably the other way around.

 

Anyway, if this guy calls again, I would do as an above poster said and in fact talk to him. Make sure it is at a time you've regained your senses (you are feeling okay or at least not a nervous wreck). He does sound like a tripper.

But maybe make a list of all the things you want to ask him.....starting with why??? But still maybe give it a few more days until you get your head together. He sounds like a strange bird. Not your fault!

 

Good luck.

[bebop]

You call him, he doesn't speak, nor do you

 

That isn't correct. I did call him. I broached my immediate concerns. I received lengthy silence.

I hung up and retreated.

 

I have been very, very worried about him amongst all else. The whole thing has been so inexplicable and not in character with the previous four months with him that yes, I sought counsel here. I thought people could do that on these boards. Sorry I was incorrect about that.

I'd like nothing better than the chance to talk to him. Listen to him. Something is terribly wrong for him, obviously, whether we have a future or not, and I care.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to post their thoughts. After that very pleasant and nifty thrashing just now by moimeme I think I'll just take off, but thanks everyone else, it's appreciated.