How did your children react to finding about the A?

[todreaminblue]

How did they find out? How old were they? Have their feelings about the WS changed?

 

17,15,12,10,7

 

 

like a bomb hit and blew everything out of the water......most affected ....the girls.....and one son........least affected seven year old

 

the son will not speak to him...refusal on any cotnact including xmas and or birthday presents for his kids.....

 

resentment by the three younger girl siblings is evident but held in check, they dont trust him, they disregard his advice when he tries to be a parent..they ask me fro advice....and give pleasantries to him........they do not respect or trust the affair partner, they do not like it when she smiles they think she smiles too much and is creepy...which is pretty telling...they dont want her or him to be happy...i however do want them to be happy...they are always courteous they bite theri tongues adn are respectful to them......which eventually wont be good that they will say hwo they feel, they are strong willed individuals with a keen sense of justice....i wont be able to stop them forever...........they have had therapy, one 15 yr old girl still undergoing therapy and will be for a very long time......suffers from depression and ptsd(from affair and abandonment)..we have however strengthened bonds between me and the girls....my second oldest son has cut off from me as well now...blames me for most of the break up...thinks i am a scum single mother..he has no respect for either of us.......deb

Edited October 25, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Confusion_Reigns]

My mother’s affair, departure, and long-term marriage to the OM she left for has affected me my entire life. I’m 42 yrs old now and it still affects me in ways I’m still trying to understand. Like, my insane desire to remain with this man (their father) so that they have a two parent home, unlike me who grew up in a single parent home. My dad never said one bad word about my mother or her new husband. Not one negative word. I formed my very own opinions on that.

 

My Dad was a man of love, patience, peace, intelligence, and he had THE biggest heart anyone could ever imagine. I’m not just saying that because he’s my dad…even now, years and years after his passing there are people still offering condolences, sharing stories, and missing him. I’m just saying this to illustrate that not all BS’s are horrible people who wallow in self-pity trying to turn the kids against the WS…and to clarify that kids have a mind of their own and will form their own decisions. Not everyone just follows along blindly with the crowd.

 

One of my biggest pet peeves are people who don't think that kids can think for themselves!

[todreaminblue]

My mother’s affair, departure, and long-term marriage to the OM she left for has affected me my entire life. I’m 42 yrs old now and it still affects me in ways I’m still trying to understand. Like, my insane desire to remain with this man (their father) so that they have a two parent home, unlike me who grew up in a single parent home. My dad never said one bad word about my mother or her new husband. Not one negative word. I formed my very own opinions on that.

 

My Dad was a man of love, patience, peace, intelligence, and he had THE biggest heart anyone could ever imagine. I’m not just saying that because he’s my dad…even now, years and years after his passing there are people still offering condolences, sharing stories, and missing him. I’m just saying this to illustrate that not all BS’s are horrible people who wallow in self-pity trying to turn the kids against the WS…and to clarify that kids have a mind of their own and will form their own decisions. Not everyone just follows along blindly with the crowd.

 

One of my biggest pet peeves are people who don't think that kids can think for themselves!

 

 

 

kids can think for themselves but it is parents who "shape" how they think and behave by their own behavior and how and what those parents teach ......and how they live..deb

[peaksandvalleys]

It is sad when people have no forgiveness in their heart.

 

My children understand that we fell out of love and that it was nothing to do with them. They have friends whose parents also divorced. It really has nothing to do with having an affair, it is to do with life. If you don't teach your children that people make mistakes and parents are only human, you teach them hate. If you stay with someone just because you feel that you may fall out with other members of your family, what sort of relationship is that? A false one. So far my kids are intelligent and aware of relationships failing but they also believe in love. I am giving them a real impression of life and I love them and they know that. I am not staying with their dad because I simply do not love him. Unlike my own parents who fought in front of us, hated each other and severally damaged us emotionally from a young age. their fighting made us both insecure.

 

I must disagree with this most of this post. For my family it has everything to do with the affair. The affair and the actions that occurred during the affair are what changed things for us. Yes, my children know people make mistakes. They know people make poor choices. We taught them that. They also were taught the consequences for our actions are there to be dealt with whether or not the actions was intended to "hurt".

 

My opinion is that continued affairs are not a mistake. They are a series of choices designed to cover the butt's of those involved. My children know that I am not staying with their dad because he lied to me and I don't trust him. They know that he has decided that my life and theirs through me are of little concern when all is said and done.

[ChooseTruth]

It's interesting to me how clear this thread makes it that generally older children are far more affected than younger ones, probably because they've formed more attachments and understand the betrayal better. A lot of parents wait until after the child goes to college to divorce, but I wonder if it actually helps that much. It does preserve the 2 parent home the entire time they are home, but when the divorce happens the fully aware college student's world is still rocked right as they might be starting to consider marriage options themselves.

[2sure]

Divorce because of reasons other than infidelity simply does not affect children the same way. Clearly.

 

My XH the serial cheater was my daughter's step Dad. We married when she was 9. They were close, we had a nice little family thing going. During the midst of the worst of it she was 12 ish. Because of what she may have gleaned and because of the tenseness in our home I told her he had inappropriate friendships with women that I would not accept. She didnt have questions. When we divorced a year later , she knew it was because of the same issue .

 

In talking with her, she didn't delve any deeper than to say she trusted me and knew that I would make everything alright. Which broke my heart since I had uprooted her entire life to marry him. And then did it again to divorce him.

 

She loved him and still has contact with him. I'm not sure why because it's pretty clear her actual emotional attachment to him ...is no longer there.

 

He buys her things. She is 17 now and I don't insist she not speak with him a couple times a year because she will take it as control and rebel. When I question her, she says she's fine with it and that he certainly is not important to her.

 

He's a tool. And she gets that. And it scares the hell out of me.

[Journee]

It's interesting to me how clear this thread makes it that generally older children are far more affected than younger ones, probably because they've formed more attachments and understand the betrayal better. A lot of parents wait until after the child goes to college to divorce, but I wonder if it actually helps that much. It does preserve the 2 parent home the entire time they are home, but when the divorce happens the fully aware college student's world is still rocked right as they might be starting to consider marriage options themselves.

 

Nailed it.

 

I ended up marrying a serial cheater after I romanticized the crap out of my parent's M.I thought " They have been through so much and made it , so can we." I mean my dad chose my mom right? I didn't think about all the times that he didn't choose her.

[jnel921]

I never told my kids. I didn't tell anyone as this was my second time different marriage and I didn't particularly care how it went the first time.

 

What happened was my business. No need to share with anyone as the final decision as to what to do was mine.

 

However my kids knew we were fighting and were not on good terms. They pointed out and acknowledged how my H loved me and them and how he'd show us and that they knew he didn't want to leave.

 

I took their feelings into consideration. But discussing the affair would not have been good. Their biological dad divorced last year because he cheated on their stepmom and showed no remorse and lied about it them later sprang the OW on them. They didn't like this and the end results weren't good.

 

Its a personal choice. It depends on the ages of your kids and if you feel it will be well received.

[Shocked Suzie]

This was for us all an extremely painful time that we will all never forget, at the time my kids were 15 & 13...announcing that their dad was leaving to live with another woman and her two kids would have been the furthest from their minds.

 

After 1 month of very odd behavior from my ex, within that month the final two weeks the children where aware that something was wrong...little did they know in that final two weeks, I was frantically trying to save my marriage since finding out about his affair. The day he decided that he wanted to go, we sat the children down as a family and told them the truth and he left, his stuff was already packed before the children had got up. We were all knocked sideways...he made a few far too early attempts to force he ow onto my kids who were still shell shocked....they are still nearly 11 months on refusing to meet the ow...and see their dad due to this for a minimal amount of hours each week...it's all still very sad and heartbreaking to see.

 

SS x