How did your children react to finding about the A?

[threelaurels]

How did they find out? How old were they? Have their feelings about the WS changed?

[harrybrown]

Read the posting of missthelove2013 in talkaboutmarriage. Infidelity's affect on children, where he tells his reaction to his mother's affair.

[NotCamelot]

Our daughter was 18. I told her what her mother had done/was doing. She was furious!

 

She was my confidant. She was more of an adult than I was at that time.

 

But she was very clear that if her mother chose the OM, "I will never speak to her again." "She has no right to treat you like this."

 

And I told her everything. And she had lived it as well.

 

She is in college now and living at home. She is good with her mom now....though I can tell that things are not the "unconditional" way they used to be. She was always a 'daddy's girl" but now that is multiplied greatly.

 

Her mother does not know, and never will know, that she knew all that was going on. That was my daughter's request. I will always honor that request.

 

I think her exposure to that mess may have helped to insure that she may not have to go through it. She experienced what effect it has on the whole family. Though she said that if she had a husband that cheated on her, there would never be a second chance. I believe her.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

My kids were very upset. The morning my husband found out I couldn't get my youngest out of the house fast enough and by the time I got back he had woken up my college age daughter and told her. My husband, who is a professional, actually handled everything like a little boy. He didn't have any close friends of his own so he used my college age daughter as a confidant ad well. This didn't turn out well. My daughter went into deep depression because she wasn't equipped to handle it all emotionally. My husband threatened suicide to her on a couple of occasions.

 

Finally the counselor told him to stop it - he was doing damage to her. Finally he understood what he was doing to her. I tried hard not to talk to this kids about it. My daughter actually ended up moving out during the summer and staying with a friend because it was so emotionally draining on her.

 

The XMM was a family friend and they felt very betrayed by him. Yes they were angry with me but his inability to apologize to their father (who he said was one of his best friends) and apologize to them was the final straw for them. I think they could have even been sympathetic to some degree but when he acted like the douche he always warned my daughters about, they had nothing but contempt for him. And they can't stand his bs because in trying to do things that would hurt me she also deeply hurt my husband and my kids - they can't stand her.

 

As far as my husbands xow, my daughters know about it but my son does not. I tried to handle my husbands affair in a more quiet way because mine was a public shaming and debacle. My girls knew something was wrong and they approached him - I told him I would never be the one to tell them, but he still hasn't told my son and I don't believe he ever will which is a concern for me because I don't want him finding out some other way. My girls obviously have no use for the xmow - but she isn't really around - she had to leave her job and they just don't see her.

 

There is never a good way to do this, but I so had wished my husband had had good friends to turn to for support during that time. He did really, but he was just too embarrassed and prideful to admit his life was falling apart and he needed help - he had always been the one people turned to for help so it was devastating for him.

 

I'm sure some kids can handle it, but my experience is that most are just not equipped and they love both parents and these situations created division and having been through this as a child myself with my own parents and my dad using me as his confidant, I was always mad at my mother. And then later my dad - always taking sides - and it's exhausting. I finally told my parents "no more! I love you both - I am not doing this anymore"

[cocorico]

How did they find out? How old were they? Have their feelings about the WS changed?

 

He told them, before he told his xW. They were older teens at the time. They appreciated being included and consulted on their own future, unlike the previous separation where they felt completely disempowered and traumatised. They are much closer now.

[peaksandvalleys]

How did they find out? How old were they? Have their feelings about the WS changed?

 

 

They did not react well. They are disappointed, hurt, angry and confused. I think the image they held of him has been shattered. If he was telling them what to do and not to do, how could he not do the things that he taught them was right. I haven't had an in depth conversation with them about their feelings. Maybe I am afraid to hear their pain, I just don't know.

 

The youngest has been stuck to me like glue. She says she is fine but she is worried about me and if I am going to crack. She has not spoken to spoken to her father though he has tried to communicate with all of them. I wouldn't mind attending counseling with them if they would agree to it.

[HtotheN]

They hate him. They overheard an argument between myself and WH. They are both in high school. He has caused this - I would never do anything to ruin their relationship as that is their only father in the world but what's done is done. We talked about counseling for them; they said "why should we go to counseling just because he is a douchebag?" Ouch. We are doing counseling, but I see their point.

[Journee]

My children are very young and have no idea what an affair even is. I am ashamed that our oldest has been shuffled around so much due to our marital separation and work schedules. Things have settled down for our oldest in that regard and he is very happy to have mommy and daddy in the same home.

 

I honestly don't know how I would handle it if they asked about it in the future for any reason.

 

I didn't find out about my father's cheating until I was 21. I had always felt something had been off because of something I witnessed when I was little. He is a serial cheater. His behavior was exacerbated by his drug and alcohol addictions. He didn't stop cheating until he began AA and stuck with it. He has been sober for 6 years now.

 

I was completely devastated and I wanted my mother to leave him. I learned about his cheating one night when we were out with friends at a nightclub. My mother called my at one o'clock in the morning crying. My father was gone from their bed when she woke up and she knew where he was. He was with one of his girlfriend's. I wasn't sure that I had heard her correctly. It was a family friend. I had attended her son's birthday party just a few weeks before. My mother and father were helping her with bills and such since she was single mother. I was livid. I hung up with my mother and I called her. I asked for my father and then I threatened her (not my proudest moment but I was young and felt very protective of my mother.) My father would not answer my calls until I had called his OW. When he finally did answer he came clean to me. He also admitted to a long term affair with my best friend's mother. I was in complete shock. Who was this man? I lost all respect for him in that very moment. I begged my mother to leave him and to move away from our hometown to live with us.

 

It took some time and lots of conversations for our relationship to come back to what it once had been. I am able to see him as a man and as a father. He was and is an incredible father. They adopted me when I had no one and I was just scared that my family was going to fall apart. My parent's are stronger than ever and both attend his open AA meetings. My mother goes to Alanon when the AA meetings are closed. They found a wonderful church and are very involved in the goings on there. My dad also coaches some local sports activities. They are more busy now in retirement than ever before. They are side by side in life.

 

I understand my parent's on a whole different level now. I think it breaks my father's heart to see that his daughter is now married to a serial cheater. If they had not reconciled I do not know how our relationship would be now.

[crederer]

I am the child but I discovered it when I moved back home from college. I was 21. My mom used my computer in my room cause it was a lot newer than her computer. She's not all that computer savvy and the evidence was all over the place.

 

I was disgusted but couldn't bring myself to say anything. I kept it a secret to myself for months as I didn't want to be the "messenger". It was seriously probably the hardest time of my life. I was so pissed off how she went along acting like everything was normal and that she was "happily" married, meanwhile I knew exactly what was up.

 

She eventually left in the middle of the night when he was working the night shift without even hinting at a seperation before hand. He, understanably was in shock as he didn't see it coming at all. I felt so bad for him.

 

It eventually became public knowledge of what happened and she lost a lot of close friends who disagreed with how she handled everything.

 

I didn't talk to her for almost a year, I felt so ashamed of what she did. Not that she wanted out of the marriage but how she went about doing it.

 

I was very close to my mum. Things will never be the same but she's still my mum. I typically keep my thoughts on the matter to myself because i think she may be too selfish to care what I have to say. There were a couple times where I'd bring up my distaste for what happened when she asked me for my opinion. Her response was pretty much "why can't you be happy for me"?

Edited October 24, 2013 by crederer

[wanting more]

My BSO told the kids within a day of discovery. He did it in a very very ugly way. He told thd oldest (21) her momma was a whore. He told the youngest (12) he wasn't sure they were his kids because of the type of person I am. The middle (14) was told I was trash and didn't love them because I loved another man.

 

I understand he was very very hurt. He told them with no regard to their feelings

 

He wasn't the best father. My oldest never had a good relationship because of his past (drugs, violence, jail). Was she upset, yes. Has our relationship changed. No. Neither has my relationship with my younger ones.

 

He has moved out and my house is peaceful again. Thd kids had always commented how miserable he was when he lived here. And this was way before the A ever started.

 

I know had they had a better relationship with them, it would've/could've changed their feelings towards me. But that relationship was his own doing. Not my A.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I wasn’t going to respond to this post, but after looking around, it amazes me how much some people in affairs underestimate the effect that infidelity has on children. I am a child of infidelity and I am still affected 25 years later.

 

We were never ‘told’ of the affair, but within weeks it became obvious and we figured it out. I was 9. My sisters were 8 and 5. You think kids cant tell whats going on? Think again.

 

One Christmas morning my parents had a fight and Dad walked out. 2 days later he came back to tell us he didn’t love Mum any more, that he wasn’t ready for the responsibility of a wife and 3 children and he was leaving. As kids, we internalise and the translation in our heads? “Daddy doesn’t want us”

 

Truth was, he had been having an affair with a woman at work, who was 10 years older than my mother with 4 kids and he left to be with her. Kids translation “It must be something wrong with us, because he’s now raising her 4 kids.” Oh yes, he told us it wasn’t us and he would always love us, blah, blah, blah…but kids are naturally self-centred and internalise it no matter what you say. Especially when your words say one thing and your actions say another.

 

Dad rationalised the affair by saying that Mum was TOO GOOD of a mother and left nothing in the tank for the marriage. He was neglected. His needs weren’t being met. Sound familiar?

 

During divorce and custody proceedings Dad attempted to make a case for not paying child support. Couldn’t afford it – he had 4 children to feed. He got every other weekend visitation. But we HATED the OW, HATED her children, was neglected by Dad and so we refused to go. It just hurt too much to see him playing happy families with another family.

 

Mum, shattered at the dissolution of her marriage, had a break down and was medicated for depression. Still is. Determined not to be alone (she met Dad at 15), she decided to marry the first guy the asked – he was in the military and 3 days after the wedding we moved 5 hours away from our home town. By that stage we were only seeing Dad maybe once a year. No contact on birthdays or holidays, so he gave his permission for the move and even allowed Mum to change our surnames to our Step Fathers name. He believed that it was best for all if we all jst moved on with our respective families. He was wrong.

 

As soon as we moved interstate, I was physically abused. From the ages of 13-18 I was subjected to hitting and beating by both my mother and my step father. My once devoted mother was now a bitter and angry woman who had no hesitation in taking to her children with belts or electric cords, and letting her husband take a hand to 2 of her teenage daughters. I was shuffled around from pillar to post. Being kicked out 3 times between 14 and 18, I lived with grandparents, aunts, a shelter for young women, had my own government commission apartment at 16 and even spent 2 or 3 night just wandering the streets with no where to go. I was angry, so ANGRY. I was depressed, self medicating with alcohol and drugs, promiscuous, quit school, quit work, lived off welfare and was headed down a bad path.

 

Oh I know, its all really tragic. But I haven’t told my story for pity or sympathy. Now, Im a successful 35 year old independent woman with a great husband, 3 beautiful kids, 2 degrees a great career and wonderful home. I don’t need pity. But for those involved in EMA’s, who think they have it ‘all under control’ they are seriously deluded. Your life is a house of cards and you have NO CONTROL about how this plays out WHEN it comes out.

 

Let me explain:

 

1. You have no control about how the affair gets exposed (unless you disclose). It could be an email, a look, an oversight. A child could walk in, a spouse could get an inkling and start investigating, someone could just see something and suspicion sets it. And then look out. They could tell anyone and everyone. Your kids school, your work, your family, your entire contacts list, an ad in the local paper, a vandalised car or a big billboard. They could sit on information for months getting everything aligned to eventually wipe you out. Who knows. You have NO IDEA just how this will come out.

 

2. You have no control over how the WS reacts. For my mother, she broke. She was a shell of herself and she became a poor parent. We suffered for that. The BH walked into my dads workplace, made a scene, assaulted my father and then vandalised their only vehicle. Both Dad and OW lost their jobs and with a ****ed car and 4 mouths to feed, that hurt. you have no control over whether they want to R or kick youre arse to the kerb. Its their decision.

 

3. You have no control over how your children find out. For me, it was a bitter mother bitching with her girlfriends and mother. Dad was the devil, and we believed it. For my H, his father’s affair was exposed when crazy OW forwarded ‘love emails’ directly to him, his sister and their mother. No child should ever have to deal with that.

 

4. You have no control about how your kids react. I went from Daddy’s little girl to hating him. I wanted no contact, had no male role models and became a cliché and a statistic. Im sure the day I was born, my parents held me and wished so much more for me than what resulted, but thems the breaks. We paid for his indiscretion.

 

5. You have no control about how this impacts your children long term. I have been unable to trust men in general as a result. I am lucky my husband perseveres because at times I test the very edge of his nerves just by testing how committed to me he really is. My sister on the other hand, is a serial cheat. Go figure.

 

6. You have no control over who your children become exposed to when they are not in your custody. It’s a fact that children from broken homes are more likely to be abused, usually by a step parent. But if you feel you are safe because you’re ex hasn’t found anyone else, think again. Single mothers are also prime targets for child sex offenders. I was molested at 10 by a man across the road who was working under the guise of someone just trying to help out a poor abandoned mother and kids. My Dad even knew him.

 

Think you have it all covered? That you’re so smart, that you deserve your affair or that it wont happen to you. It happened to me. You cannot predict the long term effects that infidelity will have on your children. You are supposed to protect them with everything you have, and you risk it all – for what? That’s what it will boil down to for your children.

 

Think on that.

Edited October 25, 2013 by ThatsJustHowIRoll

[rumbleseat]

I wasn’t going to respond to this post, but after looking around, it amazes me how much some people in affairs underestimate the effect that infidelity has on children. I am a child of infidelity and I am still affected 25 years later.

 

We were never ‘told’ of the affair, but within weeks it became obvious and we figured it out. I was 9. My sisters were 8 and 5. You think kids cant tell whats going on? Think again.

 

One Christmas morning my parents had a fight and Dad walked out. 2 days later he came back to tell us he didn’t love Mum any more, that he wasn’t ready for the responsibility of a wife and 3 children and he was leaving. As kids, we internalise and the translation in our heads? “Daddy doesn’t want us”

 

Truth was, he had been having an affair with a woman at work, who was 10 years older than my mother with 4 kids and he left to be with her. Kids translation “It must be something wrong with us, because he’s now raising her 4 kids.” Oh yes, he told us it wasn’t us and he would always love us, blah, blah, blah…but kids are naturally self-centred and internalise it no matter what you say. Especially when your words say one thing and your actions say another.

 

Dad rationalised the affair by saying that Mum was TOO GOOD of a mother and left nothing in the tank for the marriage. He was neglected. His needs weren’t being met. Sound familiar?

 

During divorce and custody proceedings Dad attempted to make a case for not paying child support. Couldn’t afford it – he had 4 children to feed. He got every other weekend visitation. But we HATED the OW, HATED her children, was neglected by Dad and so we refused to go. It just hurt too much to see him playing happy families with another family.

 

Mum, shattered at the dissolution of her marriage, had a break down and was medicated for depression. Still is. Determined not to be alone (she met Dad at 15), she decided to marry the first guy the asked – he was in the military and 3 days after the wedding we moved 5 hours away from our home town. By that stage we were only seeing Dad maybe once a year. No contact on birthdays or holidays, so he gave his permission for the move and even allowed Mum to change our surnames to our Step Fathers name. He believed that it was best for all if we all jst moved on with our respective families. He was wrong.

 

As soon as we moved interstate, I was physically abused. From the ages of 13-18 I was subjected to hitting and beating by both my mother and my step father. My once devoted mother was now a bitter and angry woman who had no hesitation in taking to her children with belts or electric cords, and letting her husband take a hand to 2 of her teenage daughters. I was shuffled around from pillar to post. Being kicked out 3 times between 14 and 18, I lived with grandparents, aunts, a shelter for young women, had my own government commission apartment at 16 and even spent 2 or 3 night just wandering the streets with no where to go. I was angry, so ANGRY. I was depressed, self medicating with alcohol and drugs, promiscuous, quit school, quit work, lived off welfare and was headed down a bad path.

 

Oh I know, its all really tragic. But I haven’t told my story for pity or sympathy. Now, Im a successful 35 year old independent woman with a great husband, 3 beautiful kids, 2 degrees a great career and wonderful home. I don’t need pity. But for those involved in EMA’s, who think they have it ‘all under control’ they are seriously deluded. Your life is a house of cards and you have NO CONTROL about how this plays out WHEN it comes out.

 

Let me explain:

 

1. You have no control about how the affair gets exposed (unless you disclose). It could be an email, a look, an oversight. A child could walk in, a spouse could get an inkling and start investigating, someone could just see something and suspicion sets it. And then look out. They could tell anyone and everyone. Your kids school, your work, your family, your entire contacts list, an ad in the local paper, a vandalised car or a big billboard. They could sit on information for months getting everything aligned to eventually wipe you out. Who knows. You have NO IDEA just how this will come out.

 

2. You have no control over how the WS reacts. For my mother, she broke. She was a shell of herself and she became a poor parent. We suffered for that. The BH walked into my dads workplace, made a scene, assaulted my father and then vandalised their only vehicle. Both Dad and OW lost their jobs and with a ****ed car and 4 mouths to feed, that hurt. you have no control over whether they want to R or kick youre arse to the kerb. Its their decision.

 

3. You have no control over how your children find out. For me, it was a bitter mother bitching with her girlfriends and mother. Dad was the devil, and we believed it. For my H, his father’s affair was exposed when crazy OW forwarded ‘love emails’ directly to him, his sister and their mother. No child should ever have to deal with that.

 

4. You have no control about how your kids react. I went from Daddy’s little girl to hating him. I wanted no contact, had no male role models and became a cliché and a statistic. Im sure the day I was born, my parents held me and wished so much more for me than what resulted, but thems the breaks. We paid for his indiscretion.

 

5. You have no control about how this impacts your children long term. I have been unable to trust men in general as a result. I am lucky my husband perseveres because at times I test the very edge of his nerves just by testing how committed to me he really is. My sister on the other hand, is a serial cheat. Go figure.

 

6. You have no control over who your children become exposed to when they are not in your custody. It’s a fact that children from broken homes are more likely to be abused, usually by a step parent. But if you feel you are safe because you’re ex hasn’t found anyone else, think again. Single mothers are also prime targets for child sex offenders. I was molested at 10 by a man across the road who was working under the guise of someone just trying to help out a poor abandoned mother and kids. My Dad even knew him.

 

Think you have it all covered? That you’re so smart, that you deserve your affair or that it wont happen to you. It happened to me. You cannot predict the long term effects that infidelity will have on your children. You are supposed to protect them with everything you have, and you risk it all – for what? That’s what it will boil down to for your children.

 

Think on that.

 

Thank you for sharing your story.

 

Do you have any advice for a couple where the infidelity/ divorce has already happened who want to minimize the effect on their children?

[summerdowling87]

Well I'm not the kid in this situation but my older brother is like a father figure to me.

 

I found out that he had an affair on my sister-in-law she's like a big sister to me. MY brother doesn't know that I know about his affair.

 

When I see him it's all that runs through my head that he's a cheater and I never really looked at him as I once did.

[summerdowling87]

Here's something on another forum about this topic.

 

Infidelity's affect on children...finally ready to tell MY story...

[ChooseTruth]

I wasn’t going to respond to this post, but after looking around, it amazes me how much some people in affairs underestimate the effect that infidelity has on children. I am a child of infidelity and I am still affected 25 years later.

...

 

Think on that.

(deleting most of post to save space, but wanted to link what I'm replying to)

 

Thanks so much for taking time to share this. I think it's really important. I wish it could be stickied at the top of this forum in it's own thread.

[PoopHappens]

I wasn’t going to respond to this post, ...

 

 

You are supposed to protect them with everything you have, and you risk it all – for what? That’s what it will boil down to for your children.

 

Think on that.

 

Thank you.

[2.50 a gallon]

I do not know the details, as I was living out of state when my sister caught my ExBIL. My two nieces were 18 and 13, the oldest refused visitations, the youngest was forced to, but all visitations had stopped when I moved back a couple of years later.

 

The oldest married and had my great nephew by age 22 and a daughter 4 years later. I saw my ExBIL at the christening of my great niece. About a dozen years later my youngest niece, now in her mid-30's finally married. A good Christian man, who requested that she bury the hatchet with her father and invited him to the wedding.

 

Prior to the ceremony at the church, I had to introduce my Ex BIL to his going to be a senior grand son and his grand daughter. He knew nothing of the lives of his two grand children. Such as how like himself, his grand son was a high school athlete and was going to be a 3-year starter on his high school football team. Naturally he had never seen him play.

 

Five years later, relationships remain the same, his children and grand children have no interest in his life.

 

He married the woman he was seeing, she too had two kids, and as my nieces they both what nothing to do with their mother. My Ex BIL and his wife now own a small ranchette with horse privilages, they have several horses, one specially tamed one, that they bought hoping that their grandchildren could learn to ride on. It remains unridden.

[road]

Well I'm not the kid in this situation but my older brother is like a father figure to me.

 

I found out that he had an affair on my sister-in-law she's like a big sister to me. MY brother doesn't know that I know about his affair.

 

When I see him it's all that runs through my head that he's a cheater and I never really looked at him as I once did.

 

 

You need to tell your B how disappointed you are in him. IF he is still in his affair you must tell his BW and help her to kill the affair.

[threelaurels]

I am the child but I discovered it when I moved back home from college. I was 21. My mom used my computer in my room cause it was a lot newer than her computer. She's not all that computer savvy and the evidence was all over the place.

 

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think it's going to become more and more common that kids are the ones who discover the A before the BS as technology grows. Kids today are using technology more and more, and they are getting better and better at it than their parents.

 

On another forum I post at, there have been quite a few kids who have discovered a parent having an A and were seeking advice on what to do. Earlier this week, there was a 16 year old who found himself in that situation, and I think the youngest I've seem is 13. I cannot even fathom what I would have done at that age, but I know the burden of having that knowledge would have been unbearable.

[goodyblue]

Well, I guess my guy must be a better parent than some people because he was open with his kids, they are not bitter, they know what forgiveness is and that we are all human beings. I find it sad that people think that it is perfectly acceptable to hold grudges forever. People make poor choices. We are all just trying to get through life the best way we can and be as happy as possible. My guy's kids spend more time with him now than they did before the divorce, and they know the entire truth. He was honest with them and made sure they knew that nobody is perfect all the time and that we are as human as anyone else. This bitterness... not speaking to someone for years because of a mistake, it only hurts the person who is angry. You know the old saying "The one that is upset is the one with the problem".

[Confused48]

My kids are pre-teen grade school age. They know I am sure, on some level, that something was not right during the A. WS took them to lunch with the AP. Other than that I don't want to give specifics but there were indications that they knew it was an inappropriate relationship.

 

They never asked any questions though. One year+ post Dday they seem to be unaffected. I think they really feared, still do fear us separating. Other than that though they seem to not care. They don't care about the reason we talk about separating. I think they just want their family together and don't really care what happened. I don't think they ever will care.

 

It seems from other comments here that I could be wrong about that.

[Snowflower]

I think what we are taught (intentionally and otherwise), witness, and experience as children stays with us our entire lives, sometimes subconsciously. Its why we do things sometimes automatically and a big part of who we are. In other words, we are the sum of our experiences.

 

I look at my H who is really a good man. He was taught to be a man of his word, to follow through on what he says he will do and be honest. However, he was also shown by his mother that cheating in a marriage was one way to find some fun or happiness. What a dichotomy for him! Looking back, I realized I watched him almost become bi-polar in trying to reconcile these two sides of himself when he cheated.

 

I hope this isn't what is in store for our children. I've tried to talk to them about the pain the affair causes and I know they witnessed it firsthand when they saw my devastation. They didn't know everything that had happened but they were teenagers and not stupid. My daughter also had the unfortunate experience of meeting and/or speaking with OW a few times.

 

I sincerely hope my children escape this family "legacy."

[Confusion_Reigns]

I tried to keep it form them, but they wondered why mom was a mess and dad was so angry...and then they wondered why dad left...and they wondered why mom was a mess...sigh...I so wish they didn't have to go thru any of this.

 

Because they were so young they wondered if dad would stop loving them too...I assured them he wouldn't....that it wasn't their fault- my son believed that if he could be just a little bit better then dad would come home...this broke my heart in two...my daughter said that when she looked in her dads eyes she couldn't *see* him in there...and that shattered my heart...

 

They hated this faceless person who was hurting their family. To this day they don't know who this other person was, they don't know her name or what she looked like...and that's good...but they knew what was happening, no matter how I tried to shelter them from this they knew...it was in their immediate life too. How could they not know?

[Journee]

I love my father and I respect him. I admire him and I am so proud of him for facing his demons head on...... but for anyone to think that there isn't a moment of complete disappointment and a feeling of being betrayed even as a child is misguided. It's ok for children to feel all or none of the emotions that a BS describes so often.

 

It's amazing that being a human and having reactions to someone's hurtful choices is looked at as bitter. The other side of the coin as noble. Give me a break. Maybe some people cannot handle the fact that their children may even for an instant look at them sideways. Even if they never tell you it happens. Even if they never act out. Even if they never let on. It affects them if they have ever for a minute felt secure in their home. My parent's took me in when no one else wanted me. I was safe with them. I knew I had them and they me. When my father's affairs came to light I was terrified. Even as a young adult. I didn't feel safe anymore. The unknown was scary.

 

Luckily, my bond with my father is strong. It's very confusing when someone you love hurts the other person you love. Where do you turn?

 

Forgiveness isn't a requirement for anyone to give or get. It's beautiful when it happens but quit tearing down those that may still struggle with it.

[ChooseTruth]

It is sad when people have no forgiveness in their heart.

 

My children understand that we fell out of love and that it was nothing to do with them. They have friends whose parents also divorced. It really has nothing to do with having an affair, it is to do with life.

In your eyes maybe, to a BS it might have more to do with lies, betrayal, lack of respect, and sabotaging the family before anyone even gets it that there is a serious problem.

 

If you don't teach your children that people make mistakes and parents are only human, you teach them hate. If you stay with someone just because you feel that you may fall out with other members of your family, what sort of relationship is that? A false one. So far my kids are intelligent and aware of relationships failing but they also believe in love. I am giving them a real impression of life and I love them and they know that. I am not staying with their dad because I simply do not love him. Unlike my own parents who fought in front of us, hated each other and severally damaged us emotionally from a young age. their fighting made us both insecure.

Mature love is more than temporary butterflies in your stomach. It's about commitment, honesty, respect, and working through the rough times. I hope your children learn that from somewhere before they get married if they haven't already.

 

Maybe you guys did have a real problem getting along and divorce was inevitable anyway, but it certainly isn't the case with all Ms that end because of infidelity. My ex and I could get along famously if it weren't for the lies and betrayal. The divorce is because of the affair and the trust that is no longer there. We would have stayed together otherwise, I proved that in my reconciliation efforts.

 

Maybe in your case the kids saw the divorce coming anyway. In some cases they don't see it at all, like in mine. When they find out it was all because of some sudden selfish betrayal they will be enraged at the offending parent who destroy a family that was perfectly good before that.

 

That's probably why I didn't grieve much over my parents' divorce. They were never together except when fighting. I was 5. I've wondered why I don't feel more anger toward my father. Maybe it's because I never felt much loss. My daughter however was 10 when we separated and we were a very close loving family. It came out of nowhere. She is in pain and I wonder what will happen when she does learn the truth. I can't even begin to relate to her situation. It's so different from mine even though we both share the "divorce because of a parent's affair" experience.