tlegend Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 My God. What an unbelievable chump this guy is. When I read stuff like this I understand why so many men are permanently alone. And yet, here is a woman who has love for him, and is trying to figure out how to be with him. Where as the only help you have given is to let us all know your very narrow way of thinking.
RogerWallace111 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Do you all think someone that "needy" could really love me, or just want anyone who is tolerant of his clingy behaviour? Worth noting that we have been platonic acquaintances for six years prior to this Worthwhile question to ask. It's probably somewhere in between. He sincerely feels he loves you, but if he's as insecure as he comes across, it's probably in part for subconsciously selfish reasons. I just find myself questioning the true substance of a person when they feel the need to overdo it with the wooing. Imho, the emotional/mental/sexual stimulation a person gives you should be what makes you feel bonded to them. The natural things that don't involve any outside rewards. Not acts symbolizing affection. Those are there to drive home the feelings you've conveyed through heartfelt words, touch, etc. Beyond all the affection and pampering- are you primally attracted to him, does he make you laugh, make you "feel like a woman" ? There is a certain thing- something between charm, "swag", and charisma- that no amount of pampering or career clout can buy. My point being that just cause a guy is "nice", really likes you, and is "successful" financially / on paper doesn't mean he has that special something that stirs your soul. Kind of playing the devil's advocate here. Seen cool girls won over by boring but persistent, overly-giving guys many times and it makes me sad for everyone involved. I like seeing couples who look at eachother with that magical connection... But I'm a romantic. For some, basic compatibility and knowing the person wants please you are enough. Anyway, I don't know your man and this is all speculation based off what you presented. It's up to you to determine if he seems independently strong-enough to be part of a healthy relationship, and whether his conduct thus far has been altruistic generosity or something fueled by insecurity and a desire to latch onto you.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Why is he a chump!? I think he's great. We need to set some boundaries about personal space and time but I don't want to dump him. 1.5 months is early to say I love you but I am getting there. I know he's weird but I like it. I mean it could be an alcholic or abusive. I'll take overly attentive anyway. We formed that impression from the things you posted. You obviously don't like it or you wouldn't have started this thread in the first place. Quite a change of heart from your first few posts; is he reading this now, or something?
todreaminblue Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 i think some serious privacy issues are going to become a concern in this relationship in the future...not healthy to sit while someone hasa dump.....pretty gross.......never tell a guy you love him unless you are 100 per cent sure you do.....deb
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 I'm not sure he's all that controlling, at least not yet. He's made it very clear that he I not upset or offended when I'm busy. I still go out drinking with my girls. He doesn't care that I talk to BOTH my ex boyfriends, one if whom I broke up with days before he told me how he felt. He said he has worried too much about that stuff in the past and now he understands that it was driving girls away. If I meet someone else, or go back to my ex it means we aren't right for each other, according to him. We will he if he can live by his words though. As for our connection...when he initially revealed his feelings I was a little out off because I was just getting out of a relationship with a VERY DIFFERENT man, and was in a lot of pain. But I was very attracted to him when I first met him, around my 17th birthday. Over time I sort of forgot about it. I don't remember it but my mom says there was a time I wouldn't shut up about him! He is intelligent and silly, very playful.he always seems to have sensible advice for me when I'm in a tizzy. He can soothe me when I'm stressed and seems to have a genuine concern for my well being. I quiet sexually attracted to him as he is just my type physically. The sex has its strong and weak spots but overall satisfactory. I've observed him with his past girlfriend and I think he treated her much the same, which is troubling. He also dotes on his mother even more which is a little gross but I guess that's just his way. I do worry part of me is attracted to him because he is from more wealthy family and is motivated career wise...
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 I don't like his overly attentive fussing, but I would say I like him as a person and may be falling in love with him even though it is really too soon for me. Honestly my last boyfriend wouldn't let me meet him family, touch him after sex or eat any of his food. We were together a year and hitchhiked across the continent together. I am a bit starved for affection and I feel like an idiot for loving someone SO COLD when cedoljub loving me the whole time
ThatMan Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) I don't like his overly attentive fussing, but I would say I like him as a person and may be falling in love with him even though it is really too soon for me. Honestly my last boyfriend wouldn't let me meet him family, touch him after sex or eat any of his food. We were together a year and hitchhiked across the continent together. I am a bit starved for affection and I feel like an idiot for loving someone SO COLD when cedoljub loving me the whole time Okay. I clearly misconstrued the intended message. It looks like a lot of details are coming to the surface. The fact remains that you cannot change other people. You cannot just let things be and hope the conflict dies down. Relationships simply don't function this way. At some point we all need to acknowledge, "This person is like this _____. That's just how things are. I like to imagine that this person is a box of controlling, intrusive, and neurotic behaviors. Holding onto this box lowers my self-esteem, no matter how briefly. Holding onto this box simply isn't good for me. I need to send this box away." Most of us discover sooner rather than later what sort of person we're dealing with, and whether or not they'll be a good spouse for us. During the very first date you get to learn things like how he treats those around him, how he treats staff in restaurants, whether or not he makes the effort to help you feel comfortable, how he carries himself, and so forth. When you discover ANY behavior that you cannot emotionally handle - you understand full well what this person is like. Don't expect a sudden change. This is just how things are. If you cannot feel happy with him then nothing will change until you decide to move on. Also - How can you possibly be in a position to respect your wants and needs if you are starved for affection? The most dysfunctional relationships occur when people search to fill a void within themselves. You couldn't even establish healthy boundaries when going to the bathroom! That's terrible! What's going to happen to you when he asks for other things that you feel uncomfortable with? You are worthy of personal consideration and thought, just like the rest of us. There's nothing wrong with taking the time to openly state that you need space. Most people do enter relationships and can clearly articulate their wants and needs because we know that our spouse should be willing to respect us. We understand that asking for some consideration isn't a cause for conflict or an end of a relationship. We don't need to do things in order to earn a relationship. Going through a relationship hoping that conflict will just die down isn't healthy, it's co-dependency. These negative opinions about relationships can be changed into something more healthy - which you can do! Edited October 30, 2013 by ThatMan
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 That man, are you saying I should dump him? He doesn't make me feel bad or lower myself esteem. In fact he is very supportive and feel incredibly secure in this relationship without needing reassurance from him. The timing is bad because I just got out of this very cold unaffectionate relationship and have been living outside for so long. I have lost a lot of weight and generaly look rougher since the last time my current bf had seen me so it's possible this has sent his fussing into overdrive. And yes, initially it was nice that he treated me so differently than my ex. I really think this behaviour is largely due to his parents who are some kind of euro-hippies. They really don't care about nudity or personal space... Ugh they are so gross! But I'm glad he has a good relationship with them. He's an only child and the centre of their world. He stopped coming in when I'm in the washroom but he still insists on cooking for me every time I come over and sending me home with left overs... Again possibly cultural. But things are improving! This morning we showered and bushed our teeth separately! He doesn't try to to control who I see though. I still stay out till 5 am getting smashed with whoever I want to. Honestly I do like that he is nurturing to a degree and I could never hold it against him. I feel like we can negotiate. I don't want to give up in him.
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 I'm not really trying to fill a void within myself. It's not as though I'm addicted to affection or anything. I am totally fine dating guys who won't look me in the eyes or return my texts but its now that he's doing that I'm like "hey, this is nice!" Maybe I'm putting him on a pedastal but he's more emotionally available, responsive and easy going than any one I have ever dated. Maybe the problem is with me, I have lived a somewhat wicked life and thus date some rough men.
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Oh and as an added plot twist I think about my ex everyday, even though I chose to leave him. He's living in the desert in California. I can't help but romanticize that lifestyle in comparison to my new more domestic one.
tlegend Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I'm not really trying to fill a void within myself. It's not as though I'm addicted to affection or anything. I am totally fine dating guys who won't look me in the eyes or return my texts but its now that he's doing that I'm like "hey, this is nice!" Maybe I'm putting him on a pedastal but he's more emotionally available, responsive and easy going than any one I have ever dated. Maybe the problem is with me, I have lived a somewhat wicked life and thus date some rough men. Oh and as an added plot twist I think about my ex everyday, even though I chose to leave him. He's living in the desert in California. I can't help but romanticize that lifestyle in comparison to my new more domestic one. That is what filling a void is. Best of luck to you, this is obviously just a cry for attention, one in which you don't really care what others will say to give advice, because you have this situation under 100% complete control. YOUR control.
Phantom888 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 WOW! You clearly know he is not for you. He smothers you, and treats you like a helpless baby. I'm sure he is really into you, but if that is not the attention you want from your man, then he is not for you. Some women actually enjoy being pampered and smothered. But you don't seem to like it after 1.5 months. He is moving too fast, and not giving you space to be yourself. You need to leave him, as you are actually more bad for him than he is for you. You are fueling his obsessive behaviors. Also, you are thinking about your ex, so clearly you are not happy in this NEW relationship. At this point, you should be completely smitten by his love, not having uncomfortable doubts.
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 What it the void? I never needed affection and I'm uncomfortable with it now. Obviously I made the right choice not being a traveling bum forever. I agree it's early for another relationship, but he presued me and was incredibly persistent after crushing on me FOR SIX YEARS. My fear of staying in one place is my own issue not his. I don't need a man to treat me nice, I've proven that I'm perfectly capable of loving jerks. I consider myself incredibly self confident and don't let man put me down. I don't miss the ******* boyfriend but part if me wishes I was in Cali instead of but **** nowhere Ontario. I realize this thread has gotten totally off topic, but it has been helpful. I have talked to him several times about the bathroom thing, he said it is normal in his family and I said that's great but it still makes me feel uncomfortable. AND HE STOPPED I don't think he's a freak or controlling and you guys saying so is making me defensive of him!
ThatMan Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) I'm not really trying to fill a void within myself. Filling a void is just an euphemism for desperation. Bad things happen to good people who are desperate. Entering relationships won't magically take away any pain, hurt, bad feelings, or force you to feel happy. That man, are you saying I should dump him? There's so much to you that I'm unfamiliar with. I cannot even begin to imagine what it was like hitchhiking across the continent. Nobody can claim to understand your exact situation. The only thing that I am familiar with is the basic understanding that respecting ourselves is the prerequisite for even the most basic relationships to function. Even the most platonic and casual friendships will fail horribly if you treat them the same way you treat this relationship. We need to express our wants and need to even interact with our peers in a healthy way, nevermind emotional and sexual intimacy. He doesn't make me feel bad or lower myself esteem. It doesn't matter. Not even slightly. You need to create decisions for yourself. I really think this behaviour is largely due to his parents who are some kind of euro-hippies. They really don't care about nudity or personal space... Ugh they are so gross! But I'm glad he has a good relationship with them. He's an only child and the centre of their world. The reasons why any given person behaves a certain way doesn't matter. What's important is how you feel. You are the constant from one relationship to the next. You will always be there. You need to learn the basic skill of deciding for yourself whether or not you can handle his behavior. His behavior is the reality of the situation. His personality will stick with him. Maybe I'm putting him on a pedastal but he's more emotionally available, responsive and easy going than any one I have ever dated. Does it even matter who came along? Is the only reason why you 'love' this guy because he just so happened to be there? It looks like the only thing you valued was finding somebody who happened to be emotionally available. Anybody can be emotionally available. There's far more to relationships than that. If you do appreciate this man for who he is as a person, it isn't evident here. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and appreciation. At some point you need to acknowledge that this isn't an idealized fantasy. This is a human being. He has quirks, a personality, character, you name it. For any relationship to be healthy we must be willing to appreciate and respect other people for who they are, alongside the respect for ourselves and the ability create personal boundaries. It's not as though I'm addicted to affection or anything. First you felt starved for affection. Now you don't need affection or anything. This just makes me concerned because it seems like there's a lot of inner turmoil going on. I think that creating a plan to sort through all of this would be the first step towards improvement. Are you by chance borderline? I ask because I've seen this before. Edited October 30, 2013 by ThatMan
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 I wouldn't say I lied... I was over whelmed with happiness when he said he loved me and I said it back. But the next day I was. Doubting myself because I was drunk and it seems to be moving so fast, and most importantly we have a few things to work out if we are gonna last. As for the affection thing, I never craved it or expected it from anyone but now that I'm getting it I can't help but bask in it. I've never had a guy like me this much. Obviously I should have been single for a while after returning to Canada but he was so earnest in expressing his feelings and I feel he's a special guy that I don't want to pass up on. I was pleased to find out that the boy next door, whom I crushed on as a 17 year old had wanted me this whole time. I don't know about you guys but I my dating pool 27 year old scientists who moonlight as singer songwriters and make mean spaghetti and meat balls are pretty rare. I know I'm still in stressed out traveling trust no one mode but maybe he's good for me?
ExpatInItaly Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I wouldn't say I lied... I was over whelmed with happiness when he said he loved me and I said it back. But the next day I was. Doubting myself because I was drunk and it seems to be moving so fast, and most importantly we have a few things to work out if we are gonna last. As for the affection thing, I never craved it or expected it from anyone but now that I'm getting it I can't help but bask in it. I've never had a guy like me this much. Obviously I should have been single for a while after returning to Canada but he was so earnest in expressing his feelings and I feel he's a special guy that I don't want to pass up on. I was pleased to find out that the boy next door, whom I crushed on as a 17 year old had wanted me this whole time. I don't know about you guys but I my dating pool 27 year old scientists who moonlight as singer songwriters and make mean spaghetti and meat balls are pretty rare. I know I'm still in stressed out traveling trust no one mode but maybe he's good for me? This sums up everything. You have doubts, which is very natural after a such a short time together. Listen to your gut. Think about what your gut is telling you when moving forward.
veggirl Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) Um so you jumped from one sh*tty relationship into one totally creepy one? Nice. Have you considered, you know, being SINGLE for a while? Maybe til you meet someone NORMAL? Are you just desperate to be in a relationship for some reason? Yes your bf is a mega chump. And you are a user. Slow the f*ck down. You have known this guy mere months in a romantic context! You act like you guys are freaking married. Grow up, find a mature adult to date when you do. Take your relationships at a more steady pace rather than jumping in like this. Again, you barely know this guy yet and you act like you are married / in a long term relationship. This part should be FUN, CAREFREE. not full of him checking you for cavities and POOPING in front of you. Edited October 30, 2013 by veggirl
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 I really really tried not to jump into things with this guy but he was so insistent! I told him what I had been through and how I was still confused about what I want and my relationship to society etc... He was mr. Understanding and promised not to rush me. I do quiet like him and its still hard for me to believe he liked me all along so it was hard to resist. I do wish I had some time to be single but before my last boyfriend I was single for 4 years and I wasn't lonely nor did I feel I was missing out. I'm not exactly normal myself so I have no desire to pick up some boring ass middle manager type dude. If he is being used its because he is insisting on it. Believe me darling, I am having fun. With or without these guys I don't let things get dull.
Leigh 87 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 uhh, if I was crazy about a guy, I would not care if he did all those things. I would ask him once, nicely, to NOT, under any circumstances, come into the bathroom and take a dump when I am in there. Handsome? Educated? Nothing wrong with him? geez. I would love the right guy to be all those things. See, I go for the "fairy tale chemistry" where you fall hard and, in turn, fall in love fast. Being an average girl, I tend to gravitate towards overweight guys or guys who are not attractive by societies standards. Guys who are poor but awesome. You catch my drift. If I had a well educated handsome guy doing all those things for me, and who was clearly crazy about me? It would ONLY get on my nerves if I WASNT that into him. 1
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 YES Leigh 87! I agree... I totally into him, even though he's not the type I go for usually (he went for me really...) I was totally crushing on him when we first net six years ago and have thought of him fondly now and then ever since. The bathroom stuff is weird, but I have dated men with worse (and more destructive) character flaws. I understand its a cultural/family thing and after talking to him about it seems resolved for now... Of course the timings bad but that's life. I've been traveling so I guess ever since I left 3 years ago he's been waiting for his chance to tell me how he feels. Its too bad that I've just got out of a relationship but he seems too good to pass up... He knows what's going on with me as far as my ex and the homelessness. Anyway I have no shame at all about being worried things are moving too fast. I think he's Prince Charming but I have been burned so many times that I am cautious. Doesn't mean I'm not crazy about him!
Valen Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 He won't even let me alone to pee and get this, last time while we were brushing our teeth he sat down for what I think was a dump!?! Say what????
mishy Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I feel suffocated just by reading this my throat started to constrict just reading the initial post
Author youaremysunshine Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 On the one hand he doesn't have the greatest boundaries but on the other he makes me feel do secure... Hmmm
Valen Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 On the one hand he doesn't have the greatest boundaries but on the other he makes me feel do secure... Hmmm Honestly, he doesn't sound that bad, just he wasn't aware he was crossing boundaries. It seems he respects your boundaries if he knows it bothers you. But the most important thing is if you love him or not. That's something you have to figure out overtime. 1
wonderingwoman Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 It sounds like you have a more independent personality and don't require all that attention. With this in mind it seems that this will just continue to irritate you. It is probably best to call it quits before you have to say "I love you" again and he possibly becomes controlling. At 27 that is not normal or healthy. It reminds me of high school puppy love. Let him find a woman who likes that kind of attention.
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