Author youaremysunshine Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 You don't think it's possible I will fall in love with him? It's so early and I do feel strongly about him
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Ugh, honestly, you're complaining that he's TOO clingy? I mean, I respect that, and I'm not trying to call you out or anything, but really? All day long I read threads about how men are not responsive enough, not caring enough, don't take their SO's thoughts into account enough, not accommodating enough, or just don't care enough (or can't show it enough). It's just a huge surprise that you get a guy on the other end of the spectrum, and it's still not good enough. Just proves the fact that love is NOT enough in a relationship! I do respect that you are nipping this in the butt and not dragging it on longer. That is exactly the problem, though. I think most women (and men) want a partner who is happy medium, not someone who is too extreme one way or the other.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 You don't think it's possible I will fall in love with him? It's so early and I do feel strongly about him Of course it's possible. I think the other posters are saying that you shouldn't tell him you feel certain way now when you don't. You've posted several things that bother you about him and your current relationship. You have good reasons to be concerned; I think anyone would find his behaviour too suffocating. It's also controlling. Speak to him about this soon, or you'll be setting a bad precedent. Tell him what you've told us.
KatZee Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I'm really not quite sure why you're so adamant in NOT telling him how you feel. You'd rather use this distance as a "buffer for now." This is NOT how you have a relationship. You NEED communication, and unless you communicate it doesn't matter how much space you have, you're STILL going to be smothered by this guy. My ex who was this way went to college together. After college I was so happy to be moving back home in a different state. I thought that this distance (90 minutes) would be great because it would mean he wouldn't be up my a.ss all the time. Well, it really wasn't that much better. He still called/texted wanted to talk every single second. He came to my house every single weekend and stayed the whole time. If I wanted to lay around casually in bed in the morning I would hear tapping on my locked bedroom door, him wanting to come in. He is in IT and apparently he knew how to check my internet router to know when I was online--- and that meant I was awake and it was OK for him to start bothering me. He was 90 minutes away and I STILL wanted to rip every strand of my hair out. It's either talk to him and squash this now, or remain being babied. Those are your options. Stop being a coward.
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 I will speak with him again, but we have talked about his clingy behaviour, though I never call him on it when it's happening. I don't want to start a fight, we've never fought before, or hurt his feelings and make him become cold.
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Like we've talked about how I don't need or want him to treat me like a baby and then he is all oh I don't think you are baby you are so independent!I wouldn't want a woman who couldn't take care of herself. Then immediately insists on me brushing my teeth 1
RogerWallace111 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 You don't think it's possible I will fall in love with him? It's so early and I do feel strongly about him Maybe in some sense. It would be hard to not to feel something back for any attractive, decent person who's showering you with affection. But love that takes that type of development lacks the primal, magical chemistry that makes it deeply thrilling. Not saying it's either love at first sight or nothing, but you shouldn't have to question it. I think his overboard flattery & confession of loving you, coupled with the fact that there's nothing actually unpleasant or wrong about him are leaving you at "why not?" Which makes sense, and is how many people would feel in the same situation. But in light of what you said on here, you should truly acknowledge that someone like that rarely eases up, it's just the opposite. I mean even if you were fully in love with the guy right now, it wouldn't make him any less needy. The "power dynamic" would shift but that's it. We all know being wanted/loved back doesn't make an insecure person any more secure on a fundamental level. In fact it just creates dependence on that affirmation. Anyway, I know I ramble, but did you read my other large post OP ? Sorry if the age discussion threw you off, I know people feel patronized easily when it's suggested they might have further "growing" to do. But honestly, from one young person to another, every year still counts in the twenties. Things change a lot. I can almost guarantee that you are going to find yourself with all sorts of new thoughts, ideas, values & priorities a few years from now. In conclusion, do whatever you want but beware that his needs/desires will clash with yours eventually. And if you pursue the relationship, I'd urge you not to let him impregnate you too soon so you can have some young years to live out with relative freedom. 1
tlegend Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I will speak with him again, but we have talked about his clingy behaviour, though I never call him on it when it's happening. I don't want to start a fight, we've never fought before, or hurt his feelings and make him become cold. Live a lie or live the truth. Which would you rather do? 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 You need to assert your own needs and boundaries or this relationship will not go anywhere.
Grumpybutfun Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 youaremysunshine: I just can't concentrate on anything after reading he took a dump while you were there. Married and wouldn't do that in a million years. I wish we had a vomiting emoticon. But, this will have to do....:sick: Feeling ill, Grumps 2
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Like we've talked about how I don't need or want him to treat me like a baby and then he is all oh I don't think you are baby you are so independent!I wouldn't want a woman who couldn't take care of herself. Then immediately insists on me brushing my teeth Have you ever asked why he insists on this? If you don't like it, say no. 1
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Expat: his father is a dentist. I want to work on this relationship, to come to a balance. I will be more specific about my boundaries. I know I have a lot of growing up to do and I think he does too. Is it possible to grow in the context of a relationship? He does encourage me to learn and express myself, although I do feel defensive about being uneducated and uncreative while he a scientist and composer. At any rate I don't think he wants kids right now, just someday. And yes, the bathroom thing is ****ed.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Expat: his father is a dentist. I want to work on this relationship, to come to a balance. I will be more specific about my boundaries. I know I have a lot of growing up to do and I think he does too. Is it possible to grow in the context of a relationship? He does encourage me to learn and express myself, although I do feel defensive about being uneducated and uncreative while he a scientist and composer. At any rate I don't think he wants kids right now, just someday. And yes, the bathroom thing is ****ed. So? My mother was a nurse; I don't insist on boyfriends eating 3 square meals a day, drinking 8 glasses of water and getting enough sleep. I'm not trying to be funny - what I really meant was why does he feel he needs to tell you to brush your teeth? It's strange and belittling when you're an adult. In any case, either you tolerate it or speak to him. He obviously didn't get it the first time. Yes, it's possible to grow in a relationship, but only if you do so in a healthy way by establishing boundaries and sticking to them. Your call.
tlegend Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 So? My mother was a nurse; I don't insist on boyfriends eating 3 square meals a day, drinking 8 glasses of water and getting enough sleep. I'm not trying to be funny - what I really meant was why does he feel he needs to tell you to brush your teeth? It's strange and belittling when you're an adult. In any case, either you tolerate it or speak to him. He obviously didn't get it the first time. Yes, it's possible to grow in a relationship, but only if you do so in a healthy way by establishing boundaries and sticking to them. Your call. Have you ever considered that maybe her breath stinks...or her teeth are dirty, and he's simply trying to tell her maybe she should keep up on her hygiene? Obviously thats a stretch, but maybe he doesn't know how to say "youaremysunshine, please brush your teeth before kissing me."
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 The teeth brushing actually kind of endearing and we only do it after meals, and in the morning and before bed, although he does it in the shower and sometimes while playing the drums. He has tooth brushes stashed all over the house. He's never like forcing me to do it I think he just brushes his teeth thoroughly. It just makes me feel like a baby going through the whole bathroom routine with someone. I mean it makes sense having a tooth brush at his place and i like to start my day with a shower but I can really manage it alone. It is nice sometimes though, intimate.
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 You know what? I do love him! He's so sweet and giving and he has such an innocent childlike nature <3
tlegend Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 You know what? I do love him! He's so sweet and giving and he has such an innocent childlike nature <3 Not sure if you are convincing yourself or us, but if you truly feel that way, good on you! If not, good on you anyway! 1
Joaquin Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 The stuff he is doing is nutty. Have you ever thought how he might react if you one day decided you wanted to take a dump alone, or brush your own teeth. Have you any experience with other guys. Your on the cray cray train with this guy. 1
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Well we don't live together so it's not that big of an issue. The dump thing was only one time (though he always busts in when I'm peeing). I scolded him and he said it was ok cause we've seen each other naked and his mom doesn't mind! Yeah... Well aleast he's a nice crazy person?
Grumpybutfun Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Well we don't live together so it's not that big of an issue. The dump thing was only one time (though he always busts in when I'm peeing). I scolded him and he said it was ok cause we've seen each other naked and his mom doesn't mind! Yeah... Well aleast he's a nice crazy person? Youaremysunshine: His mom doesn't mind what, exactly? Feeling again. G 1
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Him coming in?! I'd rather not think about it... It's not excuse, but he did grow up in a ONE ROOM apartment in Yugoslavia... Although I'm sure the bathroom had a damn door
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Do you all think someone that "needy" could really love me, or just want anyone who is tolerant of his clingy behaviour? Worth noting that we have been platonic acquaintances for six years prior to this
Grumpybutfun Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 youaremysunshine: It really doesn't matter what we think. It only matters what is comfortable and good for you. You know him. You know the wonderful things he has done for others, and for his family. He was raised in another country from you (I presume) and so his ideas will be a little different than yours. Therefore, he sees things differently. I was razzing you about bathroom behavior, but mainly those things can be sorted with proper boundary talks in which you place them and he agrees because that is the polite thing for him to do. He sounds like a great guy. I cannot tell you how many times my wife has came to me and said that one of her friends was upset because the guy she is dating, affianced to, or married to doesn't give her any attention, isn't kind and has no qualms about putting her needs last. Life is about caring enough for another person to work with them to negotiate boundaries and goals that is pleasing to both parties. I certainly was not the man I am now when my wife first laid eyes on me 21 years ago. We both have strengths and we both have weaknesses. We just try to share the first and be patient with the last. What you feel is clingy behavior, he may see as being helpful and loving. We just can't know behind this computer. So, be kind and talk with him about what boundaries you need and see if he can work with you to negotiate a great relationship. Good luck, Grumps 2
Dusk1983 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 My God. What an unbelievable chump this guy is. When I read stuff like this I understand why so many men are permanently alone. 1
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Why is he a chump!? I think he's great. We need to set some boundaries about personal space and time but I don't want to dump him. 1.5 months is early to say I love you but I am getting there. I know he's weird but I like it. I mean it could be an alcholic or abusive. I'll take overly attentive anyway.
Recommended Posts