Boyfriend said he loves me... Not sure how I feel.

[youaremysunshine]

I've been dating a guy for about a month and a half. He's an old friend he lives with his family around the corner from my family and they are all acquainted.

 

He's super sweet, very affectionate, treats me like a princess. Last night after we had a few drinks, we were walking home from the bar when he tells me he's in loves me! I didn't know what to say so a smooched him and told him I loved him too.

 

But honestly I'm not sure I do... He's sweet but I get kinda irritated with all his fussing, especially last night. I was just trying to talk to our friends and he kept insisting he buy my dinner cause I hadn't eaten and he wouldn't let me pay for my own drinks, but then he was like moderating the amount I drank, so I wouldn't get drunk. Everytime I went to go outside he has to put my jacket on and take it off. He was kissing and hugging me all night, massive PDA. Calling me dear etc...

 

He does this when were alone too! Always fussing if I'm comfortable, the right tempature, fed (he cooks for me every time). He even insists on us brushing our teeth together before bed. He likes to wash me in the shower and comb my hair. He won't even let me alone to pee and get this, last time while we were brushing our teeth he sat down for what I think was a dump!?!

 

Early on he pulled me aside for to ask if I ever wanted kids and it was clear that it was a deal breaker if I didn't. He is extremely close with his family and he thinks families are the most important thing in life. He's an only child whose parents have been married 40 years and are clearly in love as ever so he's a true beliver in love and life partnership. He's convinced he's going to be the greatest father ever.

 

I want all those things someday and he treats me very well. He is also very hardworking and educated. I really should love him but sometimes I find irritating. It's like he treats me like baby.

[Bobibble]

...Then why did you tell him you loved him?

 

 

I had a friend whose bf told her he loved her and she told him she didn't want it to say it back to him until she truly felt it...that went on for months until she was finally ready to say it. They're still together, it didn't cause a fight.

 

BE a grownup.

[youaremysunshine]

I feel like a b^*%

 

Really he's wounderful.

[youaremysunshine]

I guess it was exciting an I was caught up in the moment.

 

I send him the following text this morning:

 

"I know we were drunk but the words we said, I don't say it frivolously. We still have so much to learn about each other and how we fit, but I think I am falling in love."

[youaremysunshine]

Also I do love him, but it's just all happening so fast! I've known him 6 years and never the slightest flirtation between us and now he's hinting at his desire to impregnate me (don't even get me started!)

 

Is he for real!? What I fall for him and he changes his mind? I just got out if a relationship, literally a week before he asked me out. This guy was cold and made it clear there was no future for us. Dated a year no I love you. I don't want to fall for this guy just because he's the opposite of my ex.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I feel suffocated just by reading this

[youaremysunshine]

I appreciate that he attentive and generous but it's just over the t

 

I don't understand why he is this way. I just want to relax and enjoy him. This has to be the reason he's had been single so song.

[youaremysunshine]

I feel like I really am an idiot for pulling away. He's almost too good to be true! Leagues ahead of any of the dudes I've dated. I have known him for years and he he's been nothing but nice to me! He's a in a band and when my house burned two years ago he threw a big fundraiser show, and I suspect he donated a good chunk of change. He's stood up to my past boyfriend for being a jerk.

 

Really a prince. I feel like an ungrateful jerk.

[Atem]

I've been dating a guy for about a month and a half. He's an old friend he lives with his family around the corner from my family and they are all acquainted.

 

He's super sweet, very affectionate, treats me like a princess. Last night after we had a few drinks, we were walking home from the bar when he tells me he's in loves me! I didn't know what to say so a smooched him and told him I loved him too.

 

But honestly I'm not sure I do... He's sweet but I get kinda irritated with all his fussing, especially last night. I was just trying to talk to our friends and he kept insisting he buy my dinner cause I hadn't eaten and he wouldn't let me pay for my own drinks, but then he was like moderating the amount I drank, so I wouldn't get drunk. Everytime I went to go outside he has to put my jacket on and take it off. He was kissing and hugging me all night, massive PDA. Calling me dear etc...

 

He does this when were alone too! Always fussing if I'm comfortable, the right tempature, fed (he cooks for me every time). He even insists on us brushing our teeth together before bed. He likes to wash me in the shower and comb my hair. He won't even let me alone to pee and get this, last time while we were brushing our teeth he sat down for what I think was a dump!?!

 

Early on he pulled me aside for to ask if I ever wanted kids and it was clear that it was a deal breaker if I didn't. He is extremely close with his family and he thinks families are the most important thing in life. He's an only child whose parents have been married 40 years and are clearly in love as ever so he's a true beliver in love and life partnership. He's convinced he's going to be the greatest father ever.

 

I want all those things someday and he treats me very well. He is also very hardworking and educated. I really should love him but sometimes I find irritating. It's like he treats me like baby.

 

Good god...

 

Well. let me put it this way. If you let this go on, he'll turn you into a part of himself and vice versa - literally (since you're already taking dumps together...).

 

If htis is what you want - to almost cease being your own person and, instead become a 2-person entity - go ahead.

 

I'm too much of my own person to even allow someone to get to this level. Liking/loving someone is all fine and dandy but friggin' hell, people DO need time for themselves.

 

Just my 2c

[InnocentMan]

Taking a dump while you're brushing your teeth is just gross. Washing you in the shower is also a little creepy, if he's not in there with you. The other stuff is just the way that men that have had few gf's generally treat women. If it's what you want, then go for it. My guess is you will be sick of it in a year and looking for a way out.

[KatZee]

Yeah, I agree with ES, I feel smothered just reading this. He's too overly attentive, clingy, and desperate to please you. This all comes off as suffocating to people.

 

Guys like this really don't "take hints." You're going to have to sit him down and be really blunt with him.

 

"I am starting to fall in love with you but I'm feeling smothered by your actions. I'm a grown adult and am perfectly capable of eating when I feel hungry, drinking until I hit my limit, putting on a jacket if I am cold. I don't like feeling coddled or babied, and I need you to give me some personal space and personal time when I need it, ie: using the bathroom, taking a shower, etc. I appreciate that you want to care for me but all of this is unnecessary and it's pushing me away instead of making me feel closer to you."

[youaremysunshine]

I know it's so gross!! It's possible he was peeing siting down? I was trying not to look! He does come in the shower with me but its nonsexual.

 

I know he sees his parents being a two person entity and wants that for himself. Honestly I do want to be part of a "pair" someday and I'm a sucker for romantic notions about soul mates and such but this is all really way too soon and I want to maintain my independence.

 

I'm hoping it dies down. At the end of the month I'm moving an hour away for work. We are going to stay together. I'm actually moving close to the laboratory he works at and he plans on staying over and such but we will bother be busy so maybe that will keep things in check?

[soccerrprp]

You sound like someone who needs more independent time than he does. Being attentive is one thing, but if a partner doesn't respect YOUR PERSONAL space and time, it can become "suffocating." One partner becomes resentful b/c s/he doesn't have enough breathing room while the other becomes resentful b/c s/he doesn't feel appreciated.

 

If you want something more to happen her, then you really need to address the boundaries issues in a loving, but firm way.

 

How old is he? As you may be wondering, he being single so long may have to do with this clinginess, over-compensation of affection which is often a guise for insecurity.

[Lansing]

You really need to tell him how you feel/what you said here.

 

My ex is now dating a "nice guy" and when I see the two of them together he goes over the top in terms of how he treats her. I think I was pretty nice to her but I had my limits because I didn't want her taking advantage of me. It seems like this dude is doing everything for her and I wonder how long it will last. In your situation it seems like the guy maybe is insecure and wants to make sure you "like him"... but, it is also very controlling...

[youaremysunshine]

I really do want to address these issues but I'm worried about hurting his feelings he mentioned himself that his overwhelming need to care for his loved ones has driven women away from him in the past and that he's working on it, even that he's improved! Can you imagine what he was like before! He's 27

 

 

The one thing keeping this from getting ridiculous is we only see each other about twice a week as he is very busy finishing his Ph.d and recording an album with his band, he also has family commitments like taking his mother shopping and such.

 

It's crazy to me that someone so handsome, educated and talented would be insecure but people are funny.

[youaremysunshine]

Also; he's 27 and I'm 22. He's very educated and I'm not. His family is rich and mine is working class. I feel as though there is a power imbalance between us.

[KatZee]

I know he sees his parents being a two person entity and wants that for himself. Honestly I do want to be part of a "pair" someday and I'm a sucker for romantic notions about soul mates and such but this is all really way too soon and I want to maintain my independence.

 

I'm hoping it dies down. At the end of the month I'm moving an hour away for work. We are going to stay together. I'm actually moving close to the laboratory he works at and he plans on staying over and such but we will bother be busy so maybe that will keep things in check?

 

You need to COMMUNICATE THIS TO HIM.

 

You can't just "hope it dies down" or use moving an hour away as a buffer. What do you think is going to happen if he proposed? You can't live an hour away from him in a marriage.

 

You've dated him for a month, this needs to be addressed NOW. Not in a few months, not next year, not if he proposes, NOW.

 

If you're constantly "feeling bad" for possibly hurting someone's feelings, you're going to wind up being a doormat, and you're going to wind up in relationships that are not fulfilling to you and you will start resenting your partner.

 

Listen, you're not telling him you're going to leave him, you're just telling him to give you more space. If he knows this is an issue, he shouldn't be SO shocked, or SO offended. He KNOWS he acts like this. He needs it brought to his attention AGAIN because clearly he's not really full conscious of it.

Edited October 24, 2013 by KatZee

[RogerWallace111]

I'm not sure this could or should work for too long. When you're still in your twenties even three years can take you to a drastically different personal outlook/situation. Realistically if you're 22 and he's 27, he's talking babies & futures, and you don't see that for yourself anytime too soon, it's far from ideal. The way I see it you'd have to be enthusiastically gunning to settle down to compensate for the usual difference in values between people in their early and late-twenties. And even if that were the case and you felt certain it of course couldn't guarantee anything.

 

I'm 25 and 3 years ago would never have "settled down" permanently (though I had a girlfriend at that time & know what it's like to pseudo/semi-consider the possibility). A few years from now I imagine it will start to seem like more of an option for me. My point being that in your early twenties, you're still very fresh to the outside world. Five more years of that, you've settled in significantly more and have had a lot of time to let your mind grow.

 

I say all this as someone who was in relatively similar relationship at your age, with a girl I loved, who treated me incredibly well, and made it clear she wanted to have my children and be with me as long as I'd have her. Now 3 years later I'm out and it's finally become clear that the unachieved goals I complacently tucked away while paired up are my life's task. In a major, my-whole-life-has-been-a-path-to-this-beginning and I finally know "my purpose" way. So as much as love seems to often convince people they've reached a level point in your outlook/desires/psyche, it can all change. At any point in life, but particularly one's twenties. And as cold as it may seem to say, there will be more lovers, but one's "prime" only happens once.

 

Don't stifle your potential to live and enjoy life in a colorful/exciting way right out the gate if there are any questions in your mind. Not saying dump the guy right now but try not to get caught up in the romantic fantasy just because it's being pushed on you so sweetly. If you were head-over-heels for a seemingly emotionally-healthy, independently-awesome guy, I would say go ahead and blindly continue. But if you have to think about it, and the guy is so gun-ho with the future talk, save both of you some trouble and don't play into it with any of the seriousness he's got.

Edited October 24, 2013 by RogerWallace111

[simsim]

Even the most picture perfect-est Prince Charming isn't the right match for some people.

 

Personally the prospect of being in a relationship with someone like that is HORRIFYING to me. But, then again, I want a true partner...some women like being babysat.

 

I think you know in your gut this isn't the right guy for you. He'll make someone else deliriously happy, but it's not going to be you. Always trust your gut. Take it from someone who got married at 22 and immediately felt trapped and unhappy. You need to live your LIFE first. Settling down with a guy like that will only heighten those feelings.

 

I just think you feel guilty because you think "He's so perfect on paper!" so you have to convince yourself you love/are in love with him. Lawd almighty I see myself in you so much. Five years later, at 27, I am a completely different person and I am SO happy I didn't settle down with someone I wasn't sure about.

[tlegend]

I really do want to address these issues but I'm worried about hurting his feelings he mentioned himself that his overwhelming need to care for his loved ones has driven women away from him in the past and that he's working on it, even that he's improved! Can you imagine what he was like before! He's 27

 

 

The one thing keeping this from getting ridiculous is we only see each other about twice a week as he is very busy finishing his Ph.d and recording an album with his band, he also has family commitments like taking his mother shopping and such.

 

It's crazy to me that someone so handsome, educated and talented would be insecure but people are funny.

 

Ugh, honestly, you're complaining that he's TOO clingy?

 

I mean, I respect that, and I'm not trying to call you out or anything, but really?

 

All day long I read threads about how men are not responsive enough, not caring enough, don't take their SO's thoughts into account enough, not accommodating enough, or just don't care enough (or can't show it enough).

 

It's just a huge surprise that you get a guy on the other end of the spectrum, and it's still not good enough.

 

Just proves the fact that love is NOT enough in a relationship!

 

I do respect that you are nipping this in the butt and not dragging it on longer.

[RogerWallace111]

Even the most picture perfect-est Prince Charming isn't the right match for some people.

 

I think you know in your gut this isn't the right guy for you. He'll make someone else deliriously happy, but it's not going to be you. Always trust your gut. Take it from someone who got married at 22 and immediately felt trapped and unhappy. You need to live your LIFE first. Settling down with a guy like that will only heighten those feelings.

 

I just think you feel guilty because you think "He's so perfect on paper!" so you have to convince yourself you love/are in love with him. Lawd almighty I see myself in you so much. Five years later, at 27, I am a completely different person and I am SO happy I didn't settle down with someone I wasn't sure about.

 

Word, word, word......

[RogerWallace111]

Ugh, honestly, you're complaining that he's TOO clingy?

 

I mean, I respect that, and I'm not trying to call you out or anything, but really?

 

All day long I read threads about how men are not responsive enough, not caring enough, don't take their SO's thoughts into account enough, not accommodating enough, or just don't care enough (or can't show it enough).

 

It's just a huge surprise that you get a guy on the other end of the spectrum, and it's still not good enough.

 

Just proves the fact that love is NOT enough in a relationship!

 

I do respect that you are nipping this in the butt and not dragging it on longer.

 

Haaaaaa

 

There's middle ground and the secure/strong yet passionate/loving people among us can find it pretty easily.

[KatZee]

Just proves the fact that love is NOT enough in a relationship!

 

I know people like to throw this nice little quote out there how "love conquers all" but I'm really not sure who decided to market this line of BS, or why they thought it was a good idea to do so.

 

Love is NEVER enough. There are so many other things that go into a relationship.

 

Smothering, and being overly desperate to please, results in a really constrictive relationship.

 

One of my exes was like this and my mother would say things like, "he really does love you! you should always be with a guy who likes you more than you like him" but what she didn't see was the behind the scenes panic attacks I was having, grinding my teeth in my sleep to the point of needing to see the dentist to have them filed down.

 

He was just ALWAYS. THERE. I couldn't breathe at all. Independent people are NOT good with guys who are so insecure and needy and clingy, no matter HOW much they love you.

[youaremysunshine]

I know that I can't just use distance as a buffer forever but it may be helpful in the short term, I hope. As if right now we live right around they corner from each other and have the same friends

 

We have been going out a month, he's not about to propose. I do want marriage and children someday but I have a lot of growing up to do. It's nice to see a man be so family orientated though. I'm sure he'll be a great father and provider someday.

 

I'm glad he's not cold but I think it's reasonable for me to get a little annoyed at his fussy behaviour. There is difference between a caring man and a mother hen. I'm not going to dump him I just need him to moderate his behaviour.

 

He is super supportive and encouraging when I comes to my work. He's REALLY encouraging me to go to university, something my parents don't agree with. He has also offered to pay for me to join an ammature theatre group I used to love acting in high school... He wants to write a short film staring us so we can make something together. He thinks it's important for me to continue to learn and express myself creatively.

[ThatMan]

He's super sweet, very affectionate, treats me like a princess. Last night after we had a few drinks, we were walking home from the bar when he tells me he's in loves me! I didn't know what to say so a smooched him and told him I loved him too.

 

He deserves a woman who does love him.

You are not that woman.

 

Don't lie to him and say things you don't mean. Let the man move on with his life so he can be happy. He can do better than this. You can do better than this.

Go find somebody else who you do love.

 

The last thing that you are doing is any favors. If you are truly worried about hurting his feelings then don't play games. Grow up and be mature about this.

Edited October 24, 2013 by ThatMan