Trapped by my self-esteem/ Baby

[hillhof]

Gosh, where to begin? Approximately 6 mos ago I found who I thought was the love of my life. It was a whirlwind romance, complete with unrelenting love, a fondness for me, and a desire for him to get to know my children from a previous marriage. I moved in along with my 10 year old daughter. It was not long after, I noticed things moving seriously awry.

 

The second week of living w/ him I found in the history of his laptop, he had been searching craigslist and for prostitutes. When confronted he said that he had fallen off track w/ his Buddhism practice. The next week he was all too eager to return to temple and find his peace, and I although not a Buddhist was all too eager to help him find his way.

 

Approximately 2 hours after returning from his enlightening experience, I went through his phone and saw a text between him and his ex, arranging a meeting at the place of her employment, and him apologizing for not having spent very ,much time with her lately. When confronted this time, he became angered that I had the audacity to look at his phone, when not even seven days prior, he was on the hot seat for viewing prostitutes. To this confrontation, his fallback was that he needed therapy, and it was a compulsion to talk to this girl.

 

A couple of weeks passed event free, and I felt a sense of relief until his therapist called a joint session. Just the two days prior to the session, I had uncovered that he had on his flex day sent the ex a hundred dollar bouquet of flowers where he remarked she was always on his mind in the card. I of course came unglued. Furthermore, I learned at the co-session that the incidents with the ex had never been mentioned . I did, however, learn about a few issues that took precedence in his list of priorities over his psychological torments and repetitive behavior of hurting me which was his nephew's death, his relationship with his brother, and co-dependency.

 

Not even a couple of weeks later while completely preoccupied w/finding more dirt, I uncovered that the reason he never got paper phone bills is that he had been paying monthly for this girl's cell phone bill. Lied to me to my face, without as much as a blink. When I demanded the phone service be stopped, of course he had to find a way to accommodate her so of course it did not cease until she transferred the service into her name more than a week later.

 

Sometimes I hate him, resent him, that he put me and my daughter in such a horrific situation, knowing whatever sick preoccupation he had with this ex (who wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire) was not over. So the newest dilemma we find ourselves in lately is the fact that the trust is gone. If I am honest with myself, the infatuation, lust, and maybe love is gone as well.

 

I feel like a shattered woman. We work in the same office, so I feel like everyone must know what a whore he is. I also found out today that I am 6 weeks pregnant. Yes, I know. So is it him, or myself that I despise, I am quite unsure.

Edited August 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
left out a sentence

[dichotomy]

There is no other option ....Move out.. now.

 

Don't subject yourself or your 10 year old daughter to spending another day with a poor example of a man and human being.

 

Make a quick decision on the pregnancy. No matter the choice, move out.

 

You are trapped by nothing.

[unicorn farts]

LEAVE! Get out! If you plan on keeping the baby, you have 8 mos to move and establish a new life for yourself, your daughter, and the baby. Don't wait until the baby is born and you're tied to this idiot by finances and exhaustion.

[veggirl]

your poor daughter! I can't believe people move their children in with SOs so quickly. What a stupid idea and now she is going to suffer for it. Move out and forget dating because you....don't do it right.

[wanting more]

Did you really think you knew him enough in 6 months to move your 10 yr old in with him? I never understood that. Is her father in her life? The only reason I ask that is because I have a friend with 2 kids, father is not involved. Within a month of finding a man that knows she has 2 kids and accepts it, she's ready to move in and be in love forever. She wants so bad for her kids to have a father figure that she takes any man. Shea brought 3 losers into their lives. It's not good.

 

Work on yourself. A happy settled mom is a better single parent than 2 people who can't be next to each other without arguing in front of kids.

 

Woman up. Be on your own. Stop depending on someone for your happiness. It starts with you.

[amaysngrace]

Wow.

 

You owe your daughter an apology for disrupting her life. A big one.

 

Now she's going to have a sibling to deal with to take even more attention away from her by the guy that mommy banged for six months when she was ten.

 

You had no idea who this guy was and you moved your defenseless daughter in with him?

 

I feel really sorry for her.

[Pastypop]

I wouldn't want this POS around my daughter. I'd be afraid that he would sexually assault her. I wouldn't have his baby either. Wouldn't want to have to deal with him for 18 more years.

[hillhof]

There is no other option ....Move out.. now.

 

Don't subject yourself or your 10 year old daughter to spending another day with a poor example of a man and human being.

 

Make a quick decision on the pregnancy. No matter the choice, move out.

 

You are trapped by nothing.

 

 

In many ways you are absolutely correct. I was not trapped by anything.

 

 

As an update, I decided to go through with the pregnancy. We had to abruptly move out of the house we were renting, then his mother got very sick. Fast forward. His mother recently passed away in January. In November, while he was out of town, I looked in his email and discovered he had been emailing one of our work colleagues and told her he missed seeing her around the office, never any mention of course of me, or our baby on the way. I confronted him telling him how weird this is. Save for my incessant insistence he must be being unfaithful, a lot of crying, him letting me look at this phone records most has been quiet on the infidelity front. And we have not been fighting, but then again I am 7 mos pregnant in a pregnancy full of complications.

 

After the death of his mother, his father moved to California, and after a huge fallout with his brother, the father moved in with us. During the father's first week with us, he attempted suicide in our apartment. This shattered me, maybe I'm selfish, but I was just so glad that my little daughter had an afterschool activity and she didn't see him laying on the ground. He had defecated all over himself, and guess who was left to clean it up, and call 911?

 

So fast forward to last weekend. It was eerily calm. No problems for the first time in a long time. I asked him why he hadn't proposed to me. He indicated he wasn't ready? Hadn't I stuck by him/selfish behaviors and now the selfish behaviors of his family? Not ready for what? He was in the dog house for the better part of the weekend. I have since told him that I think I'm done. He pretends to be sad, about not seeing his baby boy etc. He keeps saying he would like to work towards marriage...Which to me is another representation of my love for him being greater than his love for me.Between his mental illness, now his father's mental illness and self-asorbption, I feel like I am sinking. What a slap in the face.

[hillhof]

Did you really think you knew him enough in 6 months to move your 10 yr old in with him? I never understood that. Is her father in her life? The only reason I ask that is because I have a friend with 2 kids, father is not involved. Within a month of finding a man that knows she has 2 kids and accepts it, she's ready to move in and be in love forever. She wants so bad for her kids to have a father figure that she takes any man. Shea brought 3 losers into their lives. It's not good.

 

Work on yourself. A happy settled mom is a better single parent than 2 people who can't be next to each other without arguing in front of kids.

 

Woman up. Be on your own. Stop depending on someone for your happiness. It starts with you.

 

 

Yes, her father is very much involved. We have shared custody.

[wanting more]

In many ways you are absolutely correct. I was not trapped by anything.

 

 

As an update, I decided to go through with the pregnancy. We had to abruptly move out of the house we were renting, then his mother got very sick. Fast forward. His mother recently passed away in January. In November, while he was out of town, I looked in his email and discovered he had been emailing one of our work colleagues and told her he missed seeing her around the office, never any mention of course of me, or our baby on the way. I confronted him telling him how weird this is. Save for my incessant insistence he must be being unfaithful, a lot of crying, him letting me look at this phone records most has been quiet on the infidelity front. And we have not been fighting, but then again I am 7 mos pregnant in a pregnancy full of complications.

 

After the death of his mother, his father moved to California, and after a huge fallout with his brother, the father moved in with us. During the father's first week with us, he attempted suicide in our apartment. This shattered me, maybe I'm selfish, but I was just so glad that my little daughter had an afterschool activity and she didn't see him laying on the ground. He had defecated all over himself, and guess who was left to clean it up, and call 911?

 

So fast forward to last weekend. It was eerily calm. No problems for the first time in a long time. I asked him why he hadn't proposed to me. He indicated he wasn't ready? Hadn't I stuck by him/selfish behaviors and now the selfish behaviors of his family? Not ready for what? He was in the dog house for the better part of the weekend. I have since told him that I think I'm done. He pretends to be sad, about not seeing his baby boy etc. He keeps saying he would like to work towards marriage...Which to me is another representation of my love for him being greater than his love for me.Between his mental illness, now his father's mental illness and self-asorbption, I feel like I am sinking. What a slap in the face.

 

why why why did you stay?? is his father still living with you??

 

propose??? do you really want to marry him

 

that's a whole lot of metal illness you're bringing around your 10 yr old and the baby who will be here soon.

 

its not a slap in the face, what did you think would happen??

i'd say run, and run far away but i know that won't happen

 

good luck

[hillhof]

why why why did you stay?? is his father still living with you??

 

propose??? do you really want to marry him

 

that's a whole lot of metal illness you're bringing around your 10 yr old and the baby who will be here soon.

 

its not a slap in the face, what did you think would happen??

i'd say run, and run far away but i know that won't happen

 

good luck

 

 

Well I am making a plan to leave. I am in a high risk pregnancy and on bed-rest. I need to stay here and have the baby. Prior to his father moving in, seeing how he handled the crisis with his dying mother, and being with him when they shut the vent off, it was moving, and I had found myself respecting him again for who I thought he was. And honestly I do love him, and struggle very deeply with my own co-dependency issues, which is what probably landed me there. My sense is that no matter what I've been there for him through, time and time again he shows, he does not hold me in such a high regard.

 

 

So with that information, and a little more time. I think I am ready to leave. I have had one failed marriage of more than a decade, and I can say I gave my all.....

[excusememister]

Instead of "loving him", you need to "love yourself".

 

My best friend was 8 months pregnant when walked out on her abusive, cheating husband. She took a day off from work, got an apartment and a few friends to help her move away from the poison in her life. This was in 2009 and she has never looked back; no regrets. Yes, she was scared because the unknown is scarier than the known, but she knew what she had to do.

 

Hopefully, this will provide some strength and direction for you. For the sake of your children and your own happiness... you should leave A.S.A.P.

[hillhof]

Instead of "loving him", you need to "love yourself".

 

My best friend was 8 months pregnant when walked out on her abusive, cheating husband. She took a day off from work, got an apartment and a few friends to help her move away from the poison in her life. This was in 2009 and she has never looked back; no regrets. Yes, she was scared because the unknown is scarier than the known, but she knew what she had to do.

 

Hopefully, this will provide some strength and direction for you. For the sake of your children and your own happiness... you should leave A.S.A.P.

 

 

Omigosh. thank you. Support feels nice. Although Im a 34 year old woman, and I have nobody to blame but myself for allowing myself to be walked on. I have already contacted my mom (who lives in seattle) and she welcomes me and my children with open arms. Im a registered nurse. Im not in a terrible financial situation like many women. So I am very thankful for the small blessings I have.

[jnel921]

What a terrible situation. Good luck to you.

Edited March 13, 2014 by jnel921

[hillhof]

Wow.

 

You owe your daughter an apology for disrupting her life. A big one.

 

Now she's going to have a sibling to deal with to take even more attention away from her by the guy that mommy banged for six months when she was ten.

 

You had no idea who this guy was and you moved your defenseless daughter in with him?

 

I feel really sorry for her.

 

 

Thank you for that bit of advice. Today, I have written a long letter to her, which I plan to sit and read with her. And since I have to forgive myself, I will ask, and pray for her forgiveness as well.

[excusememister]

Wow...I would honestly start making plans to get out to Seattle. With you being a RN, (as you know) - quite marketable - you should have no problems getting a job.

 

Plus, you have a place to go. You and the babies will be welcomed at your mom's - arms opened with lots of love and support waiting for you.

 

I sincerely hope you find the strength to leave. I know your oldest is 10 and probably in school, but I wouldn't try to wait until the school year is over. Children are resilient and a new, safe environment will be healthier for her than trying to stay out and finish a school year.

 

Sending boat loads of good luck your way!

[harrybrown]

Sounds like a good plan to go to Moms in Seattle.

 

I had to move during grade school, it was tough at the time, but it worked out fine. I have daughters that are RNs, so hope after the baby is born, that you can move on and get this loser out of your life.

 

Hope for better in the future for you and your kids.