Totally Lost

[O1981]

ok i came a cross this forum by chance and i think it might help me little in my dilemma. very long story full of ups and downs. apology from the begining for being too long but i have to explain everything so i dont get missjudged.

here we go:

I came from a well off but broken family, My dad had very good business and we never had any finincial issues , however my dad was selfish and everything used to be about his family and he used to keep us till last me my brother and my mother. So family was broken and by the time i entered college my parents got divorced and my dad got married to a new woman who had nothing in her head except letting my dad spend all his money on her. by that time i was out of the house went to college had a rough but steady college life money wise i was on the poor side because didnt make enough money for myself and my dad used to support me but bare minimum. coming from such a broken family always dreamed of having great family and a loving wife who i can build a great life with, i met a girl in fourth year of college and we were planning to get married. and i can see this is where my problem started. I liked her and i needed time after graduation to build myself up however due to pressure from her family i was under the spot to propose and marry her, it was kind of set up from her or from her parents i dont know but what happened happened. i dont hate the girl but i was not madly in love to get married at the age of 24. she went through some horrible previous experience before me and she's been raped her parents doesnt know and she dounf in me who can protect her and keep her secret for the rest of her life. she is a great person very caring and loving also came from a family with a lot of marriage problems. anyways life moved on i knew it was to early to get married but why not at least you go back home and there is someone waiting for you and caring for you, first year went well and all of the sudden happeniess started dissappearing, i realised her mother is a control freak she interfers with every aspect in our life, my wife doesnt have any personality what so ever she cries on the tinnest thing. she cant take responsiblity of anything not even buying grocery. even a proper job she couldnt handle more than 12 months and she used to always get fired or forced to resign purely because she cant handle office politics or because she was too naive. slowly i realised i cant have a stable solid life with someone like her but i kept faith in god and things will get fixed slowly, later one fights used to get more and more , sex life forget it , most of the time she screams shouts and swears for no reason with me and i started feeling that she is having insecurity thats why she started doing all this control freakniess. I consider myself a good looking guy average body very social i work in a multinational company where i travel a lot , she is an average woman with a cute face witha beautiful smile but behind this smile used to be some sort of crazy person who comes out only when we are alone so there is no way someone will believe what iam facing at home, everyone thinks she is an angel. anyways i was so patient and i kept thinking thats because of her previous life , so kept understanding her as much as possible, used to listen to her fights for hours and hours and try to fix what i can fix to just make my life go smooth. 3 years later we reliased we cant have babies because of infertility in me and it was uncurable. i had complete azospermia which means i can nver have babies. and iam a fair person i thought its her right if she wants to have babies to go marry someone else so i put the offer on the table and she said no if i had to choose between you or the babies i will choose you which even confused me she was so obssesed with me but only in her way. still managed to cope for another couple of years until later on i started feeling that our marriage is on the edge. i stoped feeling love nor emotions towards her. i respect her i care about her but no love at all. and she kept kind of treating me forgranted that i will never leave her, i dont know why but this is how she always kept going. and i thought 100 times of sitting with her and telling her this will not work out and everytime i keep giving chances just because of all those years we lived toghter by now its been 7 years of push and pull. last year we found a cure for my situation and she insisted she want to have babies from me so we did IVF and thanks god it worked out from the first time, and this is where my life got even complicated more , the day she was confirmed pregnant she want all the way into our biggest fight ever that i dont love her i dont care about her with shouting swearing, she asked for a 10K diamond ring as a gift when she delivers she asked for a big baby shower party and for so many other stuff, where she was still in her first week of pregnancy !!. and i kept telling her lets wait until everything is confirmed and all well then i will do for you what i can within my ability. for me iam emotionally zero 2 years back then she refused divorce and then she got pregnant so things started getting complicated more and more. during all those fights and all those years i never even looked at someone else because i know iam comitted in a relation and should work to fix it, but after all those years i am really emotionally depressed sexually depressed and felt i want someone to truly love me or care about me for who iam. 3 months back i met a girl by pure coincedence during a business meeting and seriously i couldnt take my eye off her meeting lasted for like 30 mns and after that i dont know what happened to me just want to get her number and start talking to her. she turned to be an amazing person who i really always pictured in my head to spend the rest of my life time with its been 2 months now we are going out at least 3 times a week for 4-6 hours each time all what we do is talking about ourselves she came out of a broken relationship as well we message a lot but honestly nothing happened physically till now we didnt do anything sexual, but iam having crazy feelings with her , iam not sure about her yet but she seems intrested as well. didnt make anymove because iam torn between all sides. during this time my wife delievered 2 baby boys who are premature now and still in the NICU for another month after than they will come back. we already started discussing divorce and seperation because of the situation and i cant handle all this pressure she totally refused it and she was like you will never live without me and iam your wife no matter what and now we have babies who we need to take care of. which i totally agree about the babies but emotionally and perosnally iam in total wreck now. I know its my mistake where we should have seperated long time back when we felt things are not working but i believe now iam getting the punishment for trying to make things work out all those years and its not working. so in summary iam living now for 9 years with a wife i dont have feeling for, we are so cold, 2 babies coming home in 4 weeks , another woman in my life who iam developing feelings towarsd day after day because of all the care iam seeing from her. but to confirm again me and the other woman didnt get involved in any sexual act , everything is still at date stage just because we enjoy each other company and talking for hours. and please if someone will come and tell me you are cheating on your wife, no iam not because this other woman is giving me some emotional relief to be able to cope with my life. career wise i have a very good and stable job. whats killing me is this double life iam living because sometimes i really feel i just want to go to the other woman and tell her how much i care about her and i want to spend the rest of my life with her, this is a struggle i face every single day just out of responsiblity for my long waited babies who when i see them in the NICU looking at me i feel iam on top of the world. But as a man iam so shattered from inside.

 

sorry for being long but trust me this is the shortest i can go...Thank you all