Over after 4 years :(

[30andsad]

Some of these types of forums helped me many years ago when I went through a rough breakup, so I wanted to share my recent story. This has been my longest relationship and to date the best girl of the relationships I've had. This one has, undoubtedly, been the absolute worse loss I have ever experienced. It's only been a week, but it's been ridiculously tough.

 

Here goes:

 

We had been together for 4 years and living together for 3. Owned a house together, dog and so many shared friends/experiences. I love her with all my heart, but I had gotten to the point of taking her for granted and falling into the routine and not doing enough to show her I still cared. She was so giving and sweet, and I am just beating myself up over not changing some things sooner. I should have seen her unhappiness the past months, and done all I could then, not waiting until it was too late. I guess I always thought she would be there for me and we would work it out, no matter the time it took to do so.

 

I am, by nature, a very self-centered person, unfortunately, and I feel so sick right now in having been such a grouch in some ways with her. It was easy for me to receive, but harder for me to give, and though things were improving, it wasn't quick or soon enough. My issues with adult ADHD, OCD and a few phobias are also not easy to deal with on a daily basis.

 

Of course, it wasn't all me -- it does take two to tango, so to speak. Apparently, early on, being a people pleaser, she just appeased me for the first 8 months to a year of our relationship. I remember thinking how amazing it all was, and what a lucky find! A girl who would do whatever I wanted and seemed to genuinely be fulfilled as well. We never argued, listened to the same music and did all the same things together. It was great, and I thought we both were equally fulfilled in the relationship. I would later find that she was just wanting to make me happy, but what we were doing all the time wasn't fulfilling her completely. This, of course, is a hard change to accept a year into a relationship, but I loved her at this point and wouldn't have given her up for anything. She also had a lot of issues with fully committing because of the inability to say what she truly wanted or needed.

 

Anyway, she left the house for some time away about 3 weeks ago now to figure some things out. Anyway, I heard from her soon after she left and we both talked and both decided we wanted to work it out, but she did want a full month out of the house as we worked on the relationship. Her leaving was a huge wake-up call for me, and showed me that my issues needed to clean up and clean up fast. I was so ready to show her a new me. I had been going to counseling regularly, open to meds for the first time in a long time and we had finally had our first couples counseling appointment (2 weeks before she left the house -- a session that closed with her promising me like she had many times, "I will never leave you as long as you are not abusive." -- something I never was, or never would be.)

 

We saw each other and stayed in contact semi-regularly and everything seemed very promising and positive. Last Sunday a week she even initiated an "I love you" on the phone at the end of a conversation. However, on Monday when she came to visit, even though I had apologized and been doing as much as I could to show her things would be different (buying her gifts -- her primary love language, reading on relationship building books and pushing to go out and do more), I could tell she was guarded.

 

She told me she loved me and cared for me more than anyone else in the world and that I was her best friend. She said she even thought on Sunday after a shower of just packing everything up and running back into my arms and saying everything will be alright and we will work it out. But, she said, that day (Monday) she was having doubts and things just didn't feel right. She felt it was too late and things just couldn't work out with us. When she left she essentially broke it off with me, but was very conflicted and said "I will probably regret saying all this in the morning" and "I probably need to sleep on it."

 

I sent her a text yesterday saying if the idea of a hard timeline of a month to come back to the house was difficult, we could extend it. Her happiness and our relationship meant more to me than anything else. She called and left a message Tuesday night though, I didn't have my phone. Said she thought about the other night and truly felt like what she said the night before was the truth -- things just aren't working out. She said she needs time to herself and an opportunity to find herself again. She was sorry it hurt me so much, but it just wasn't working out. She said she'd like to get all of her stuff from the house at the end of the month and thinks that time away would be good for her.

 

One of her primary issues with me was she felt I didn't take her seriously or respect her decisions. I knew I had to not do what she didn't want of me, so I sent her a text (she hates phone calls and has bad social anxiety) that I accepted her decision even though it was not the conclusion I hoped for. Things would work out the way they were supposed to (something she said multiple times Monday night) and that I loved her and thought the world of her. She responded the next day saying I couldn't have said anything more perfect, and that it hurt her terribly that I was hurting so bad -- she wished she could make it better, but really felt she needed this. She felt part of the reason she was so indecisive in herself was that she had lost confidence in who she was and what she wanted and needed. She again reiterated that she thought things would work out for the best and the way they are supposed to, and that she loved and cared for me deeply.

 

Anyway, after about a week of NC, she came to get some more stuff at the house today and I asked her when she left if this was what she really wanted. She said this was absolutely what she wanted.

 

I can't tell you all how devastated I am. This was a woman I thought I would marry and grow old with, and unlike some past relationships, there weren't flaws in her like the others -- I think she is truly good for me. Of course, there were issues on her end like with anyone, but nothing I couldn't live with and work through. I am also so angry with myself on not listening to her pleas and making the changes earlier in our relationship when she hadn't exhausted all of her energy. She said that night that what is meant to happen between us, will happen. I know that's true, but it's so hard to stomach now. The idea of her moving out and being left alone in the house without being able to reach out to her or speak to her is crushing.

 

To compound the hurt, I will be 30 in a couple of weeks. I always thought I'd have life figured out at 30, and in a lot of ways my life right not is in more disarray than it's ever been. I have a good job (albeit one I don't like much at all) and a lot of cool things, but the thing I really wanted more than anything -- a wife, a family -- is now but a broken dream for now.

 

I know I have to move forward and think of this as the end, and better myself and learn from it, but it is still so hard. I would like to think that she will maybe come back one day or we will re-kindle a romance in the future, but there's no guarantees and I can't plan on it. Sorry for the long post, but wanted to let you guys know...tough times...

[Mario79]

You make me feel sad, Im 34 . I know where you are right now, because everything will seem extra negative. I know you probably dont need me to say this, but you should not be alone, if you have friends or family you should ask someone to come or even live with you. Its at this moment that you need to talk this out so the long post shows you need to communicate it.

 

I am doing it as well, I just started posting because I needed to keep my mind occupied and sort of feel like I am in a place I belong in this community. I feel for you.

[NeverBAWuss]

Wow, super similar situation to mine. People-pleaser sweetheart, 3.5 years together, left me devastated when she finally implied that she's looking for someone different.

 

Worse, she's looking for someone I can't be - a taller, wider guy.

 

In my case, I have to move on. It ****ing hurts, but it seems like the only way.

 

In your case, there's a chance to get her back if you initiate No Contact and hold on to it until she realizes she misses you and contacts you. There are some books on this topic, Google "getting her back" or the like. Can't say they worked for me... my situation is quite different.

[30andsad]

Thanks for your sympathies guys. It's good to know you're not the only one out there going through this type of rollercoaster ride.

 

Things are still tough for me. This is Day 10 since she said it was over and nearly the 30th day since she left the house for the "break." I think I am getting slowly getting more and more used to her not being in the house. I am sleeping a little better without as many dreams/night sweats/panics. Every time I wake up though, I still immediately think of her and it hurts. We spent over 1,000 nights together and would both always feel so happy to get back to each other whenever we were away.

 

Seeing her Wednesday, after about 6 days of NC, when she said "I absolutely want this" helped me realize it really is done. I'm still trying to fully accept, just seems she is giving up on so much we have/had together. The house, our pets (she will likely get the dog we share, but she mentioned sharing...not sure that's a good idea though), intertwined families and friends, etc.

 

She still has most of her stuff at the house -- clothes, a craft room that was her office/crafting area and lots of stuff in the kitchen, books, etc. I don't know what I will do with that craft/office room of hers. We bought the house together and we always had it laid out where that would be her space and my man cave would be the large room in the basement. I will probably just close it up for awhile after she leaves and put any mementos of her in a box in the closet in there.

 

Never thought it would come to all of this, and I so hate it has, but I feel a little better off than I was a week ago this time at least...

[Mario79]

Keep pulling through, you have some positive feeling in you. Keep going.

[30andsad]

Just a little update. Had been doing pretty decent all things considered, but likely going to take a step back here. She finally contacted me yesterday about picking up her stuff and dividing the house. I knew it was coming, but still didn't want to think about it or face the facts.

 

Anyway, we are meeting tonight at the house to discuss all of that which is going to be painfully difficult for me. I know this has to get done sooner than later though. It's going to happen sometime, and the sooner it does, the quicker I can get on with the healing process.

 

She's signing a lease at a new place today apparently, we'll discuss the dividing of the house tonight, and then I think she will come to get all of her stuff next weekend. She wanted to this Saturday, but my birthday is Monday and I just really don't want to do this 2 days before my 30th birthday.

 

Ugh, this sucks so bad. Feeling sick about all of it again and my sleep has been unsettled for a few days again as well. Hope this is just a minor setback though and not a major one. This also kind of cuts that last little gleam of hope out of the equation, at least for any foreseeable future.

[30andsad]

So, she came to the house tonight to talk about dividing things up. We were cordial to each other, and got through everything that needs to be split or bought out.

 

It was very strange in a lot of ways, but it helped for me in some weird way to know that she still cared. There wasn't indifference at all. She hugged me multiple times and we each held each other like it was the last moment on this Earth each hug, we were both teary eyed throughout, and she said multiple times how she missed me and mentioned how handsome I looked and how she kept second guessing herself, but how she felt this was the right thing to do.

 

At the end, when she was leaving, we had one more big hug. I kissed her forward and she kissed my cheek. I told her that no matter what happened she'd always be in my heart somewhere. She told me she felt the same way and I had become such a big part of who she now is. We both cried heavily as we held each other, and then she was off.

 

Feeling weird for sure. She just signed a lease tonight on her new place, which she will be living in alone minus roommates. She never had a chance to live on her own before, so I think that's a large part of the importance of this break-up -- finding herself, being and independent adult, etc. My emotions are real high, and this is by no means a bitter break-up or indifferent break-up, but I know I can't hope and wait on a future with her down the line, even though I could see reconciling now at some point.

 

Thoughts on all of this??

[NC_unbearable]

It's funny, I had the same thing happen after just 6 days. She came back to get her stuff, and even spent the night... that night we talked and it felt like we were reconciling our feelings, and we even held each-other through the night.

 

It was over though in the morning. Gave each other that 'goodbye hug', and I told her that I wanted her to just let me go. It's so confusing yea, but what is really the right thing to do? I personally am just focusing on me, trying to get my mind to calm down so that I can be happy, instead of just embracing the pain.

 

If the other person is saying its over, it really doesn't matter why, in the end you need to focus on making each day better than the last. And I've found that even though I just lost my 5 year relationship, the mother of my 2 year old daughter, I can release all of the emotions and turn my day into a very happy day of self exploration, even within the first week of the breakup (its still the first week).

 

Just stay strong and accept what you are feeling. Accept what you cannot control or it will control you.

[30andsad]

Just another little update -- it helps to release some here.

 

30th Birthday was Monday, that was tough, but it got better as the day went on.

 

She's coming to pick up her things on Saturday. This is the day I have been dreading. Even though I know it's over already, this is the final straw and seeing all of her stuff gone from the house will make it all the more painfully evident and real.

 

I know it has to happen though for me to be able to move on and fully heal, I just hate it and it's so difficult.

 

I won't be there when she comes to get her stuff, I don't think I could stand it. Ugh, wish this was all some kind of terrible dream, but unfortunately it's not.

[KelC411]

Hi 30andsad. I knwo you posted this a while ago but I really relate and so I wanted to reply. My ex told me that he had spent our whole relationship pleasing me and "didnt want to be my chameleon anymore." I definitely made mistakes but I had no idea that he felt like the whole relationship was unfulfilling for him, especially because I would always ask if he was happy and if I could do anything differently and he said yes I am happy and no you are good. Now I am regretting taking him for granted. Like you, I guess I just assumed we would always be together and we would always work through everything no matter what. That guilt hurts just as much as the grief of losing him. I guess what we can hold onto is that it does take two people to break uo and if they didnt tell us about their needs and problems in time, then they also have a part in it (not that that makes them horrible or anything). To work on a relationship, someone has to tell you that they need different things and if they dont, or dont "in time," then they also have some problems with communication. Sounds like you have continued to do better, and I hope it only keeps improving. We will both learn from this, but I dont think we are all to blame and so maybe we can also look for more honest, open partners one day in the future.

[30andsad]

maybe we can also look for more honest, open partners one day in the future.

 

Thanks, KelC! I'm still having some bumps in the road, but definitely doing better and seeing some improvement. And amen to the above!