justonemore Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 (edited) While I have read through many threads, I havent read them all. I am new and seeking strength mostly. I became quite close with an unhappily married man. Emotionally, I was pretty strong until he began declaring feelings of love for me. Im not comfortable getting into sordid details, but I ultimately told him that love is an action and not just a word. If he's unhappy, and he feels that it's not working at home - he's got a very clear choice to make. This is neither of first marriages, and their children from first marriages are adults. I do not want to be the OW, and our relationship became one of emotional attachment. After feeling that I'm on the receiving end of excuse(s) as to why now isnt the right time. But he doesnt feel that he has to hold onto the marriage. They still "appear" to operate as a unit, and whatever activity she wants to do - he goes along with. I've told him then unless or until she decides that he needs to retain the counsel of an attorney (or that one has moved out) that we have nothing to say to each other. If that ever happened I would re-evaluate my feelings and availability. (If it ends I hope he remembers me) He told me he didnt know what he was doing, and that he couldnt tell me how long it will take, he'd be a mess when it was all said and done, and that he couldn't give me what I wanted. (Right now, I guess?) He agreed that I deserved better though. I need space to sort my thought because I care deeply, but I can no longer think straight. I've done pretty well with the NC, but its also only been a week. Im afraid that I will cave. I struggle alot, and I wish one day I'd be surprised with a message from him, otherwise he has respected my decision. In these situations, there are so many things that I tend to question: sincerity, trust, etc. and while he insists it will end the only thing I feel about myself is that I am such a chump. He's NOT my man, how did I get so wrapped up?? After reading so many responders to posters saying that he'd be back (in other discussion threads), I'm wondering what makes people seem so certain that they return to the OW? Edited October 24, 2013 by justonemore
hollyhillcourt Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 In my case I believe exMM contacts me for sympathy, to cheer him up, see if I'm dating anyone, etc. he's still stuck in the same situation and can't seem to figure it out. It's very draining and sad. 2
Author justonemore Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Yikes! I cant wrap my head arlund alot, or see the forest through the trees in cases like this. Sometimes figuring it out can just start with a conversation.
hollyhillcourt Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I will tell you what a wise person whom I gave lots of $ to told me (therapist). "You can not apply logic to an illogical situation." Sometimes the 'whys' don't matter. 3
Author justonemore Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 So the liklihood, if he were to violate the "agreement" and contact me would be to continue to play on my sympathies... Sad for everyone involved. I'm trying to stay away from the drama, I got sucked in. 1
hollyhillcourt Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 So the liklihood, if he were to violate the "agreement" and contact me would be to continue to play on my sympathies... Sad for everyone involved. I'm trying to stay away from the drama, I got sucked in. Bingo. No one wants to believe this at first but it is true. If he hasn't left then, you know the rest. And it is very sad for everyone. I try very hard not to attach too much emotion to it anymore.
awkward Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 But, in most cases, the marriage continues to be just as unsatisfying so they end up right back where they were, unhappy and unsatisfied and unfulfilled, and they realize that they saved a marriage that they don't really want anyway. So, they turn back to the person that they love, the person that they WANT a relationship with, the person that has nothing legal holding them to that relationship - just pure love and want and need and choice - nothing else forcing them to their AP at all. Is this when they leave the marriage and have an open relationship with the one they really love? Thing is, you have to know what YOU want and need. So, when they come back (and yes, I believe that they always do, as most marriages don't miraculously change, nor do most BSs with whom the WS was unhappy with anyway), you have to know how you are going to respond. Does the WS miraculously change? Why is their so much focus on the BS when it is the WS that chooses to cheat, chooses to have hidden relationships, be deceitful, etc? Shouldn't the focus be on the guy who decided to cheat on his wife (hurting his wife), then leave the OW (hurting his true love), then go back to the other woman (hurting his wife again)? It would seem that the WS is the one with the problem. JOM I would worry more about how he deals with unhappiness and less about how his marriage/wife made him unhappy. For one, you probably don't plan on having a relationship with his BS. Secondly, one day you might find that you make him unhappy too. Then what? Are you willing to take that risk? Did he miraculously change or is his cheating just situational because he is unhappy with his wife? That is a huge bet to make on a man that has already hurt you. I hope you heal and don't want him to come back. So, focus on you, focus on working on what YOU want and need, and if he does come back, and can't offer you the things you want and need, you can walk - or if he can, you can accept him back. It's your choice, you're an adult (I'm assuming) but it's always better to be somewhat prepared for possible situations. Pre-think it and you will be ready. Agreed. I advise you to spend time thinking about what type of relationship would be acceptable to you and don't let him offer you anything else. When he makes his offer, make him prove it. 3
awkward Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 After reading so many responders to posters saying that he'd be back (in other discussion threads), I'm wondering what makes people seem so certain that they return to the OW? I meant to give you my opinion on this as well. I think most are certain that he will be back because most actually do come back. You should also be aware that when people are saying that he will be back, they don't necessarily mean to have an open relationship with you. Often they come back to take the OW on another ride of the rollercoaster. They make promises and then excuses. It just prolongs the OW's pain. By the time they actually do leave the marriage or get kicked out of the marriage, many OW are so hurt that they are done with him too. Sometimes the WS will actually get divorced and then decide to start dating others. Sometimes they turn around and marry their BS again. I don't know what your guy plans to do, but I hope he leaves you alone so you can move on easier. 6
Author justonemore Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 (edited) People here say they always come back, because almost always, they do. I don't believe it's about sympathy or an ego stroke - we go back to those we love, repeatedly, because we love them, we miss them. In most of the cases, the WS doesn't end the relationship because they "want" to. They end it because their BS demands that they do, and they panic and do it to "save" their marriage. But, in most cases, the marriage continues to be just as unsatisfying so they end up right back where they were, unhappy and unsatisfied and unfulfilled, and they realize that they saved a marriage that they don't really want anyway. So, they turn back to the person that they love, the person that they WANT a relationship with, the person that has nothing legal holding them to that relationship - just pure love and want and need and choice - nothing else forcing them to their AP at all. Thing is, you have to know what YOU want and need. So, when they come back (and yes, I believe that they always do, as most marriages don't miraculously change, nor do most BSs with whom the WS was unhappy with anyway), you have to know how you are going to respond. If they catch you offguard, you might make rash decisions and choices. So, focus on you, focus on working on what YOU want and need, and if he does come back, and can't offer you the things you want and need, you can walk - or if he can, you can accept him back. It's your choice, you're an adult (I'm assuming) but it's always better to be somewhat prepared for possible situations. Pre-think it and you will be ready. -I was originally not sure that he will return because I was pretty firm (almost rude in my demands) since I didn't feel that I deserved the scraps he was giving me yet conflicted that maybe he just needed a friend/ear.. He agreed that it was best to put distance between us, so I figured it was a done deal (like I said he's respected it so far). But got curious after reading so many posts that the WS typically does reach out at some future time. My head tells me that if he contacts me that if he contacts me, my first reaction would be (a little facitiously): "so she left you, eh? I already told you that I wouldn't be your 'option', nor your second choice behind an unhappy miserable (his words, not mine) life." I would STILL feel like second choice, and because of that my head is not interested HOWEVER, I'm worried that I will still be single (never married), 40-something, and excited that someone who declared their love for me is showing interest again. So my heart (and maybe desparation) is making me incredibly anxious. I am putting myseld out there in the world, staying busy, picking up on old hobbies, and just generally out in the world to maintain my own independence and interests. I sincerely hope that I'm not available if he returns, so that the choice is easier (*should he come around again) should he not be divorced or at least separated. But adding to this is my pressure (self-inflicted) of ending up in the next bad relationship of convenience just to escape emotional availability from the MM. ...perhaps my anxiety is completely about how this all plays out. For the record the reason why he (says) he's staying (for now) is mostly because surviving a nasty/emotionally draining divorce without losing his job and keeping his financial obligations to sick parents, and young adult kids/recent college grads who can barey support themselves. " There is planning to protect them that needs to be done, and it takes time." I dont know what the "planning" would be, unless she can get him fired, but I don't see how that could help her in a divorce settlement - and he says that is a long conversation (but would not engage me in it). I, personally, am skeptical since it just rang as an excuse, and he's bought into comforts/conveniences. If you're still making appearances together socially - you're still operating as a unit, or at least you want the world to think so (IMO). It's only been a few months, so I have no idea how long it takes to "plan", just that in a few months of threatening her (according to HER) of divorce, and disclosing to me that it's headed that way - no one's filed anything or at least consulted an attorney. I'm learning that I truly HATE the expression "time will tell". I do believe, however, that time will heal. I just want time to hurry up! Thank you everyone for your responses, these are very helpful and empowering for me! Please continue to add to this discussion thread. I dont like drama, and I think it tends to add anxiety to what could be a good quality of life. I want to get away from it, but since my heart got into it, I'd like strenght to get to the next plateau. THANK YOU SO MUCH! Edited October 24, 2013 by justonemore
Author justonemore Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 It takes two to become involved in an affair, and you are not wholly responsible for the chain of events that led you into it, so be kind to yourself. I wish you strength and clarity. Thank you. I would have to agree that I give myself a hard time, and generally feel bad, for allowing myself to let him get the better of my sympathies. For the moment, I try to keep the mentality that trust is earned.
Author justonemore Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 So ive tried to be as stoic as possible, you guys were right. Lately the email exchanges have been very dry, but at least infrequent. As in: "thinking of you (with a benign oicture attachment). Hope youre well", and more "hope youre well". My responses have been very light. I havent been saying if im "well" or not (im still hurt), I just simply say "thanks and wish him a good day". Today, I said that "well" is a subjective term, but ive been trying to stay busy with a variety of activity. He didnt respond after that. (I need validation to that) This ENTIRE experience has only made me feel horrible, and truly realize that there is a huge gaping void in my life: companionship. I find it difficult to not cry at this point. I need real help!! - I dont know where to turn, and im having a hard time healing!!
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 I think you need to let go and move on with your life. Really let yourself grieve this loss. From how he's been with you, I would take that as him not leaving any time soon.. Plus, his contact is not genuine caring and wanting closeness like you two were before. I don't want to give you hope, but I also don't want to NOT give you hope. This is totally out of your hands. Nothing you do or say will change his mind. If he leaves and divorces it'll be because he'd rather be alone than stay one more minute in a loveless marriage to someone who makes him unhappy. If he divorces, and calls you, THEN you can decide to 'date' him in a proper way and get to know him outside the realm of an affair dynamic. (EA dynamic) Maybe when/if that time comes you won't be interested, too much time could have gone by and you don't want to open up that door. Take care of you now and keep busy, change your focus to other people, hobbies and those who you're close to and care about you.
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