Long Distance, Marriage, Cheating.. someone help me get through this!

[Connor]

I'm a 27 year old male.. she's a 23 year old female..

 

Well my situation is probably a little bit genuine, and a bit lengthy, but I really need help. My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly a year now, and 3 months ago (end of August) she went into Basic Training for the Navy, which is at least a 10 hour drive away. Our relationship has always been strong, and neither of us have ever felt the love we have for each other. Everything seemed perfect. About 2 weeks ago she stopped calling for a week, and I got nervous. I knew for a fact that she wasn't out on any courses or anything because she's undergoing physiotherapy for an injury she sustained while she was up there. Now, I'm not typically a jealous person, never had a need to be. But I started worrying that she stopped caring about me and maybe her feelings had changed. Finally after a week, I managed to get in contact with her and she was a little pissed because I called her too much and left her like 6 messages.

 

Well, we talked and it turns out that she was really upset at the fact that I had never called her in the 3 months she was up there. Now she called me nearly every day for the whole time, and since she was in Basic Training, she wasn't supposed to have her cell phone with her (but she had it) and I didn't call it because I didn't want her to get into trouble, and I wanted to give her a little breathing room, you know, let her call me when she's ready. Didn't want her to get sick of me. Well I apologized, and tried to make up for it but she was still upset, but said she still loved me. So earlier this week, Sunday, I called her from work to see how she was doin, she was a little upset. I asked what's wrong, she said nothing. I said are you still upset about the other night? "Yes". I apologized to her again, then she asked me "Have your feelings changed about me?" I told her that there was no way in hell they had changed, and that I loved her completely. Now by this time into the 3 months I had already written her a song to propose to her with, recorded it, and bought the ring (pricy, too). I was gonna keep it a surprise and do it on New Years when she came home for Christmas.

 

She was so upset that I felt I should tell her my plans, so she could see just how much I love her. Then she started to cry on the phone, I asked what was wrong? It took a few minutes but she said "if you guess why I'm crying you'd probably be right". I didn't want to guess, but the lack of response made me clue in to what she was saying.. so I asked her.. "Did you cheat on me?" .. Yes. It was only once, she was really drunk that night, about 1 month of being in, and the whole platoon had gone to a local bar. Her and I were apparently fighting that night before she went out, and on top of my not calling (and her not telling me it was bothering her), she wasn't getting any attention and felt alone. So she slept with this guy.. 2 months ago. Now mind you it's been 2 months since she's done anything else, and I asked her to be completely honest with me and she was.

 

So I left work early, went home and we talked on the phone.. she apologized, told me how much she loved me and never wanted this to happen, and that's not why she went up there. She also said she'd love to marry me, and she's got a lot of making up to do etc etc. This is when, me in tears as well as her, I told her "I never thought I'd ever say these words to anyone if I found myself in this situation.. I never ever believed it.. but I am willing to work through this" and I forgave her.

 

We've been talking for a bit since then, and I've been trying to put it behind me. But the long distance, the imminent proposal, the hurt feelings, are all really starting to get to me. So now I know she'd say yes.. but I'm not sure what to do? I love this girl, and I would do anything for her. But I'm confused now..

 

Should I propose still? Since she knows and if I decide to put it off, I know she'll be hurt, and when she leaves will she really be willing to keep together pending a marriage proposal at a later date? Am I doing the right thing in working through this? And what should I do about my feelings... I'm a lot more jealous now.. nervous that she might cheat again but my trust for her is shot.

 

I need some good advice to help me get over these new insecurities I'm dealing with, and I need some way to suppress these feelings of being scared and insecure or at least air them out and get over it. Please share advice, thanks!!

 

Connor

[femme]

I'm not an expert on relationships, but I'd say don't propose if you're not ready. It's a big thing that happened, and you're absolutely right about feeling insecure, jealous and hurt. I think you need to have a talk with her (if possible, in person). Tell her how you feel, and that you need time to get over such a big shock. You need to worry about your own feelings before you worry about hurting her by postponing the proposal. Just take it slow. She loves you. She should understand.

 

Don't ignore any of your feelings if they're still haunting you. I'll say again, don't propose until your heart is clear of all doubts. It's her turn to prove herself to you.

 

Even the thought of my fiance ever cheating on me (or even thinking about cheating on me) gives me tears. I was cheated in my first ever relationship, and I still suffer from insecurites and jealousy. Even though it's been years and years, I sometimes still doubt my current fiance because of my bad experiences in the past. It's not right, but it's natural I guess. I don't mean to discourage you...cuz I hope you can free yourself of these insecurities and start afresh. But, it's natural to feel what you're feeling. Just don't ignore it. Resolve it before you go any further. Wish you all the luck. Keep us updated.

[simonj]

Hi connor, my name is simon and i just went through a very similar experience.

 

me and my lady dated for about 2 years and worked and lived together. We had a mutual friend who worked with us and was very touchy towards her and it bothered me throughout the time we were together. They were very close as friends and it bothered me that i could not have that part of her. To cut a long story short i continually threw it in her face that she was more intimate with him than me and would bring his name up in every arguement. She fell pregnant and i gave her mixed signals about whether i wanted the baby or not and eventually she went and had an abortion behind my back. She got home and told me she hated me. i have been living in london for 3 months now and 2 weeks ago she told me that the time when she said she was angry with me, she went and slept with my friend, which was like my worst fear. For the next week or so i couldn't sleep and would have thoughts of him and her physically doing the act and it killed me inside to no end. I must tell you at this point though that my lady and i have (despite how it sounds), have a sort of fairy tale love and we believe we are meant to be together forever. We have fought so many battles and have won and stayed together. I have never ever taken a woman back for cheating on me. She told me what happened because she could not handle it anymore and thought maybe if i went away for a while to london it would be forgotton and you know the saying, whats the eyes don't see, the heart won't feel.

 

So now after her telling me since i have been here that she forgives me for what i put her through and wants to marry me and have a baby, all of a sudden she springs this on me. I have about 80 beautiful text messages from her that she sent me prior to telling me about her infidelity.

 

Connor i was distraut, i didn't want to live anymore. after a while i began to blame myself for putting her through this mess and began to logisize why she did what she did. I made a decision to stay with her and a decision to forgive myself and to forgive her. i prayed every night for strength to forgive her and god gave it to me. Forgiviness is letting go of a need to hurt back. i never had that need and so maybe i forgave her instantly i really don't know. I am hard with the ladies but fo this one i fell hard in love and so now i am trying to deal with trusting in her, even though i am 10 000km away from her for the next 3 months and she still works with my x-friend.

 

I think the most important thing to realise is that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Girls are very emotional and do things out of emotion. They shop on emotions and and spend money emotionally. Men are logical. She told me she did it because she wanted me to feel her pain and she wanted me to find out and then leave her. That is how much pain she felt, she lowered herself to a standard to show her pain to me. i believe that had i have played the card right and not messed her head with my uncertainty, she would never have done that to us and our love.

 

there are 2 kinds of cheaters in this world. the non -thinking cheater and the intentional cheater. The non thinking cheater is not quite aware of the emotional strain he or she puts on herself or himself after committing the act and begins to feel regret and remorse to the point where he or she can no longer look her partner in the eyes. I believe these people generally do it out of emotion and reget it after and wish they could un do it. I believe both your lady and mine fall into this category. It would seem they both emotionally reached out to us. the intentional cheater feels no remorse for his or her actions and has got no worry about doing it time and time again, and will have no intention of ever telling you about their sneaky ways. In a weird kinda way, although it had to come to this, its good to know exactly what kind of person you are dealing with. They are honest, they clearly love you enough and respect you enough to tell you, even though they know in the back of their minds they stand to lose you. I have through all of this gained full respect and trust for my lady and finally now i can see who she really is. The visual thoughts will always haunt me i think but then again so will the fact that she had to abort our child haunt her. If you chose to break up, the thoughts will still be there but you will have no way of covering them with love and a new sense of understanding each other. Staying together allows for you to grow and build on your experiences and put the past behind you.

 

I hope i have helped a little and if you only take one thing from here, you will have won. Your situation is only ever as bad as you deem it to be. Millions of people have made it through alot worse, so if you really love her then do research and get the tools you need to get your love back on track. What one man can do, another CAN do.

 

 

Keep well my friend, i feel your pain, and you can get through this with hard work and determination.

 

 

Regards

 

Simon

[canadiansunshine]

Connor & simonj

 

Thank-you so much for sharing your stories, reading them really helped me understand some things from a male perspective.

 

In the past I have only seen cheating from the limited personal perspective of the male doing it (both from my girlfriends experience and from my own expereince).

 

Of course both sexes do, its just in my life and very limited circle it has only been men.

 

Reading about your courage to forgive and start over is so inspirational and reassuring.

 

Because it shows me how much the World is changing into a better place and that people are becoming more and more loving and compassionate.

 

For me it is very rare to be able to hear a man's feelings about this issue.

 

I wish you and your loved ones both a wonderful holiday season and the very best wishes and blessings in your relationships. I hope everything works out positively so that all of you will be very happy and fulfilled.

 

I learned so much from reading your posts.

Thanks again.

[sultana]

i think your a completley sweet perons, if my ex boyfriend would have acted the same way i would have definitly married him. Connor women in general are hard to figure out, if she did this to you it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, but i strongly think you should move in together for a while to see if this is the right step, tell her how you feel, if this girl really loves you she'll understand. My ex boy friend always told me that just imagining me with someone else would kill him i can imagine how you feel.

 

 

i really hope this helps, it makes me feel a little bit relieved to know that there are more people out there that are in the same situacion that i am..............

[SoleMate]

I would recommend that you treat this as an episode of poor communication, and work on the problem that way. LDRs require really good communication - each person has to be proactive in showing their love, AND asking for what they need. It sounds like Connor's gf did not do a good job of asking for the attention she wanted. Connor, I suggest that you both really look at how you can meet each other's needs. It sounds like there are a lot of good things about the two of you together. You both can learn to do a great job of meeting each other's needs, and then your r/s will become reliably fulfilling and happy. Please check out <URL removed> to learn how committed relationships can fall apart, and how you can prevent it.

 

Good luck!

[RecordProducer]

I can help you from my own perspective. When I am very hurt by the one I love I feel rejected and I need someone else to accept me. It's stronger than me. Perhaps many of us feel like that. But it's not good. It means that every time you feel rejected by your partner, you will think of sleeping with the first one who wants you. I realized I had these high highs and low lows when I am in love so I am controlling them by simply being aware of the fact that it brings only pain and no consolation. After all, those feelings are not real in cheating terms. I mean, I wouldn't desire anyone for real, I just might do something stupid if I am angry enough. So anyhow, I decided that I will never do anything like that. But I am 30 years old and been married once.

My ex-husband left me the first time when I just got out of the hospital with our two-week old twins. He kept leaving me for the next two years and I was bringing him back home. During one of those breaks (the last one), I decided to "cheat" on him and I did it once with a guy I didn't really like. I was stupid enough to even feel guilty afterwards and he hated me cuz he guessed, but I never admitted what happened. I say I was stupid, because he packed his bags and left me (and our two babies). What was I supposed to do, wait for him and be faithful?

When I was 17 years old I cheated on my boyfriend, because he went out of town when I had an empty house for the weekend. I realized that going to the country-side was more important for him than being with me when we had the chance to spend two days alone. And overall I knew he didn't love me. I had actually broken up with him the month before because he didn't hide for a year and a half that he didn't love me. I didn't cheat on him for love or sex; I did it out of rage.

My current boyfriend I love so much, I would never cheat on him no matter what. Yet when he called me at 9,30 pm to say "happy birthday" last night, I was so disappointed that he was the last one and not the first one to wish me a happy b/day, I told him that my ex-b/f (who still loves me) emailed me early in the morning. I also said that he wrote "this world is a better place because you're in it", and that I answered "this world is a warmer place because you're in it." I wrote that, because I felt lonely and hurt and the ex-b/f's email really made me feel warm and loved by him.

This story also has a history. My boyfriend just visited me two days before my b/day and gave me a present, but I was hoping that he'd show up at my door again after his business trip in Europe (he is from the US). However he never showed up and called me in the evening. I also wanted to know his plans for our future so I asked him about it last week and he seemed reluctant to talk about it. So when he visited me for 3 days and brought the subject, I refused to talk about it. Therefore, the thing with rubbing his nose with my ex-boyfriend's love is kinda like a threat that he might lose me if he procrastinates too much, as another man is pretty determined about being with me. He does talk marriage, but I don't really know if he's serious or just playing around. He seems serious overall and I trust him and love him, but hey, I've been hurt many times before and always count on bad luck (cuz it never lets me down!)

 

So you're like the school example of what I am saying here. You didn't tell your girlfriend that you wanted to marry her and she started having doubts about your love. The desire to feel secure was so strong in her (she probably had a difficult childhood and is not very close to her siblings, if any) that when she felt betrayed, she did something she didn't want to do out of despair. The fact that she told you about it (and didn't really have to) tells me that she wanted to punish you. She wanted you to see what happens if you don't pay attention to her. And given that it was all a huge misunderstanding, now you both suffer.

If I were you, I would forgive her. However you might postpone your proposal and see if she will do anything like that again. Right now it's standing in between you and you need to work it out. If you decide to marry her, be aware that you will always have to show a lot of affection and never let her down. Otherwise...