mtnbiker3000 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I had a boyfriend before where I MADE him love me...so much HARD work, completely wore me out!! I promised myself never ever again will I go after someone who (even if I like him alot) doesn't seem into me it looks like I'm now in that situation I hope you are using this time to seek therapy as it sounds like you have a repeating pattern/issue...
Author Brown-Eyez Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 DO NOT respond to any contact... If need be, get the law involved. Stick to NC!!!! LOL!! yeah, Loveshack Law! he is only a menace to my heart which i am allowing...
Author Brown-Eyez Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 I hope you are using this time to seek therapy as it sounds like you have a repeating pattern/issue... yeah, i'm in therapy but thankfully this is not the same issue as before I SEE this time he is not putting effort in so I am NOT pursuing (even though I want to ) NO GOOD comes from me going after someone who doesn't see my value..
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Right. Now that you're working on yourself, the other half of the equation is NC. That's it! Block if you have to, but quit allowing yourself to be tortured with repeated contact. Out of sight out of mind. You know what my ex is doing right now? No? Neither do I and therefore I am not bothered one bit by it.
BC1980 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 You haven't accepted that its over. That's your main problem. You will never be able to do NC until you accept it.
Never Again Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 You haven't accepted that its over. That's your main problem. You will never be able to do NC until you accept it. It's really a funky catch-22. You'll never accept that it's over until you go NC. It's hard to go NC if you don't think it's over. Fake it 'til you make it. Listen to your head - not your heart. Your heart is chasing illusions built from anxiety and loss. Your head knows you have to heal. 4
BC1980 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 It's really a funky catch-22. You'll never accept that it's over until you go NC. It's hard to go NC if you don't think it's over. Fake it 'til you make it. Listen to your head - not your heart. Your heart is chasing illusions built from anxiety and loss. Your head knows you have to heal. It is a catch 22. It took me 2 months NC to truly accept it into heart.
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I'm 7.5 months NC and I still have to convince myself regularly It's a day to day battle. Trench warfare. Days of fighting to move a very short distance. But, in the end, you will succeed.
Author Brown-Eyez Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 I'm getting closer to shuting him out completely.. I can feel it though I wonder if he's thinking of me and why he chooses to be without me? I'm kinda awesome (in my way) and he (i'm just realizing this) is not the greatest package it will be hard for him to find someone who is going to put up with some of his BS (yeah, there are plenty of fools, but he's particular) this thought ^ gave me strength today I feel time is again on my side when/if he comes back I'm only going to accept kindness & respect from him I liked what candie13 had to say about making sure his focus is also on making sure I'm happy too funny thing though, he truly is a good guy, so I know if he decides he still has feelings for me (all its gonna take is for him to see me..) he'll show me respect & kindness (and if not, I've really learned that I can go on without him, even if it sucks) but that's all for later, today, I walk alone..and that's gotta be good enough, right?
candie13 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 see, he may be a good guy, but he is selfish. He is never going to give you anything, because when you two were together, you were giving him everything, he was taking everything, not giving anything back... and he still got bored and walked away. You think that if he comes back, he will all of a sudden give you something? You think you are in a position to negotiate ? What do you have to offer ? His only offer is himself, for you to love and attend. That's it. One direction. What he is missing, is indeed, someone to "put up with his BS", unconditionally. It is from him to himself. Not to you. You're like his mirror. It's not you he's coming back to. It is his projection, in your eyes. And since there is no real exchange, it is not a sustainable relationship. as for your last line: "today, I walk alone..and that's gotta be good enough, right?", I have bad news for you. You've always walked alone. All along. Since the beginning of this relationship. You just don't realize it yet.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 btw I'm trying but its really really hard when my heart still wants him.. I don't know your backstory, and I'm sure there will be some glaring factor that I just (don't know)... But I just want to add the suggestion to spend some time differentiating between what is him-him an what is your emotional investment IN him. The two entities are night-and-day different. He may have treated you badly/unfairly, etc.... But your emotional investment IN him is an individual entity controlled only by yourself, and it should be celebrated as a healthy and normal impulse which you exercised independently. It just hurts to let go of your investment, and feel as if it has dwindled to nothing. What you really need to see is that the scenario is like having bought a stock at, say, $100 a share... watching it ebb and flow for a while, and then seeing it dip to $60 or $40 a share, at which point you sold the stock, freeing up $40-60 of good money to invest elsewhere. Now go get'em, tiger. (and with regard to investments, what matters most is your buying-in, and then nurturing, and caring, and gaining a lot for yourself while feeeeeeeeeling the worth of the investment rise from where you bought-in. So no matter whether you start at $40 a share, or $100 a share, the effort YOU put forth is the catalyst for most of the rewards) 1
Simon Phoenix Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 so I know if he decides he still has feelings for me (all its gonna take is for him to see me..) You really have to stop with this crap. I realize most dumpees think this (I thought all I had to do to get my ex back when I saw her after the break up was just be me. Didn't so much work), but it's delusional horsesh*t. He saw you for an extended period of time and decided he didn't want to be with you anymore. You just showing up isn't going to make him have some revelation on the spot. I realize you are probably very young, definitely very naive and very idealistic, but you need to flush crap like this out of your head. If he decides that he wants to get back with you, it's all on him. There's nothing you can do to trigger that. You don't seem to understand this at all. Therefore, you answering him and being a little puppy dog that wags her tail in his presence will not make one difference.
Fufu Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 If your ex still has feelings for you, really it doesn't mean he wants you back. Don't get the wrong idea.
Author Brown-Eyez Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 If your ex still has feelings for you, really it doesn't mean he wants you back. Don't get the wrong idea. this ^ is a confusing statement, can you explain?
Author Brown-Eyez Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 If he decides that he wants to get back with you, it's all on him. There's nothing you can do to trigger that. You don't seem to understand this at all. Therefore, you answering him and being a little puppy dog that wags her tail in his presence will not make one difference. it sounds like you'e saying that he'll decide whether to be with me or not regardless of me that makes no sense! and I'm being a puppy only cuz I like him and wanna be friendly ...no more playing games of being a certain way to TRY and MAKE him feel a certain way hey, at least i've learned i'm better than that (& it doesn't work anyway) if/when we see each other I don't have to prove my worth i'm not being delusional, he'll be very attracted to me if he sees me...
Author Brown-Eyez Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 I don't know your backstory, and I'm sure there will be some glaring factor that I just (don't know)... But I just want to add the suggestion to spend some time differentiating between what is him-him an what is your emotional investment IN him. The two entities are night-and-day different. He may have treated you badly/unfairly, etc.... But your emotional investment IN him is an individual entity controlled only by yourself, and it should be celebrated as a healthy and normal impulse which you exercised independently. It just hurts to let go of your investment, and feel as if it has dwindled to nothing. What you really need to see is that the scenario is like having bought a stock at, say, $100 a share... watching it ebb and flow for a while, and then seeing it dip to $60 or $40 a share, at which point you sold the stock, freeing up $40-60 of good money to invest elsewhere. Now go get'em, tiger. (and with regard to investments, what matters most is your buying-in, and then nurturing, and caring, and gaining a lot for yourself while feeeeeeeeeling the worth of the investment rise from where you bought-in. So no matter whether you start at $40 a share, or $100 a share, the effort YOU put forth is the catalyst for most of the rewards) this ^^ is such a brilliant/wise observation! i so agree with you on many levels!
Dumbkit Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 You haven't shed light on why you broke up, so let me guess... You guys broke up over something from outside your relationship. I.E. One of you had to move or one of you made a pretty serious mistake. I say this because if what you're saying is true your "separation" seems like my brother's and my own at one point (especially how you seem to "know" he's coming back). When I was in college my older brother cheated on his girlfriend with an ex while visiting our hometown. I don't really know what happened, but the girlfriend tried to stay with him for 2 months but just couldn't. He stayed with me after she left and was ruined for months. She would call him, check up on him, and no matter how many times I told both of them to separate they just wouldn't. Finally they got into some argument (I think he had gone out with someone) and he went NC. His ex took a while to catch up, she just kept contacting him whenever she was drunk or depressed or just in the morning. It was really horrible to watch and I was really angry with her at the time because I could see how badly each message hurt him. Looking back I can see that she was just still reeling from the betrayal. Eventually she wanted to get back together with him but he said no. He's ok now, but I think they still keep in contact once in a while. A year later my own girlfriend told me she was leaving to study at a graduate program in another country. I basically told her that realistically we wouldn't work, so we should cut our losses now and break up. Same thing happened, she went NC way before I did. Long story short we did some pretty heavy damage to each other and still got back together when she came back for break after her first year abroad. I could bring up a dozen other examples of relationships I've seen go this way when the dumpee cheated/moved/made some mistake or another. If this is true for your situation then your ex is probably going through a rough patch too. Or he might just be looking for a booty call. You really are the only one who knows. Either way, my suggestion is that you stop waiting for him. You have this conviction that he's coming back (One sentence you say you're close to shutting him off completely, the next you are using when/if he comes back) and in the case that you're wrong it's just going to cause you a lot of pain. Every relationship you will be in will be tainted, everything you do will be wrecked. If he just dumped you out of the blue, then it's not even worth the effort of trying to win him back anyway. Leave him be, you don't want a guy that's going to make you second to his own ambitions or pleasures. If one of you made a mistake and you still want to make it work, there's a chance but it involves clear, direct communication and time. When you think he's in a place where he can talk with you civilly about what happened, confront him with these questions you have about his behavior. My biggest mistake with my current girlfriend was that when she told me she was leaving the country we started playing mind games instead of talking about what we really wanted. I know alot of other posters will say this is completely against NC, but...at least in my case and my brothers case...NC didn't exactly work. What you are going through sucks, and I can see that this guy was a big part of your life. Hang in there. No matter what you do, with time you'll feel better. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 it sounds like you'e saying that he'll decide whether to be with me or not regardless of me that makes no sense! and I'm being a puppy only cuz I like him and wanna be friendly ...no more playing games of being a certain way to TRY and MAKE him feel a certain way hey, at least i've learned i'm better than that (& it doesn't work anyway) if/when we see each other I don't have to prove my worth i'm not being delusional, he'll be very attracted to me if he sees me... It makes perfect sense. If he wants to get back with you in his mind, he'll decide that on your own and there's nothing that you can do to prompt that. He knows who you are, he knows what you stand for. And no, it's not a given that he's going to drop everything to be with you if he sees you. That is delusional for you to think that. He might want to fu*k you, but that doesn't mean anything as far as him falling back in love with you.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 this ^ is a confusing statement, can you explain? It means he might like you as a person but has no interest in being a romantic partner with you. Exes miss each other all the time -- doesn't mean they want to get back together.
Dumbkit Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Oh and one other thing. Don't date other people while you're still this hung up on your ex. By dating someone new without fully healing from what happened between you two you are just asking to a) hurt someone else and more importantly b) not give yourself enough time to grow as an individual. You need to get through this before you put yourself back out there, you can't heal from one relationship with another and all you are going to do is hurt yourself and someone new. Seriously, do the monk thing until whatever has happened between you and your ex is DONE. It will feel empowering to know that what you are doing is strong and healthy. Wait until you are whole, and that's not going to be for a while, and that's ok. Being single is OK. 1
Author Brown-Eyez Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 see, he may be a good guy, but he is selfish. He is never going to give you anything, because when you two were together, you were giving him everything, he was taking everything, not giving anything back... and he still got bored and walked away. You think that if he comes back, he will all of a sudden give you something? You think you are in a position to negotiate ? What do you have to offer ? His only offer is himself, for you to love and attend. That's it. One direction. What he is missing, is indeed, someone to "put up with his BS", unconditionally. It is from him to himself. Not to you. You're like his mirror. It's not you he's coming back to. It is his projection, in your eyes. And since there is no real exchange, it is not a sustainable relationship. I really like what you have to say here, i don't really know if I was just his reflection but certainly, into the future I want to avoid merely becoming that for him (or anyone else!!)
Author Brown-Eyez Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 And no, it's not a given that he's going to drop everything to be with you if he sees you. That is delusional for you to think that. He might want to fu*k you, but that doesn't mean anything as far as him falling back in love with you. ok i sorta get it better now what you guys are saying.. >>is there anyway to tell the difference between merely being just a piece of a@@ and him allowing his feelings for me again?? (cuz i know deep down he still cares for me--its my instinct on this, i really don't think i'm wrong)
Dumbkit Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 ok i sorta get it better now what you guys are saying.. >>is there anyway to tell the difference between merely being just a piece of a@@ and him allowing his feelings for me again?? (cuz i know deep down he still cares for me--its my instinct on this, i really don't think i'm wrong) No one here can really know that. You know why he left you. Was it a good reason or was it selfish/GIGs? Was he a player before you met? When you would go out with him did he pay attention to you or did his eyes wander? Really...you are the only one who knows. My 2 cents is that it just looks like he s struggling with NC as much as you but hasn't followed through.
Dumbkit Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 ^ that doesn't mean you should break NC, that just means that trying to lie to yourself and say he something you know he's not isn't going to help the healing process. Relationships don't end because one person is an asshat, look at what really went wrong.
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