I thought I was smart but I'm really an IDIOT!!

[Brown-Eyez]

Good news, he wanted to get together with me and I turned him down

 

Bad news, we texted for several hours and he's totally in my head again!

 

I was so happy to hear from him even though he wasn't saying anything about feeling bad that we weren't together, though he did say he missed me ALOT

and wanted to get with me to see if there were still feelings

 

I really really wanted to see him cuz we have such GREAT chemistry but then I thought about after he left and how he might go quiet again..

 

I couldn't take that!

 

i'm proud that i stopped myself..guess i'm getting stronger?

 

but now I'm really missing him

 

awful to miss someone who just maybe feels meh about you

 

 

Why can't I just ignore him??!!

 

I really do just feel like his dog on a leash

 

Now that he's opened the door to me I'm just gonna wait and see what he does..any predictions?

 

pls don't blast me for my stupidity I just really like this guy

[Never Again]

We won't blast you - what you're feeling is perfectly reasonable.

 

You put your foot down, and good for you for doing that.

 

 

Honestly, if he was able to get into your head...then you definitely weren't ready to encounter him again. It's good that you recognized that.

 

While I do think that meeting again to "see if something is there" CAN be okay...both people have to be healed and able to treat the meeting like a first date with a brand new person. No expectation, no pain, no lingering rejection.

 

You understood that you're not at that place yet, and you held him at bay. Not many people would have the strength to say "no" in that situation. I'm sure I would've given in just for the chance at seeing if the "spark" was still there.

 

Seriously. Hold your head high. Things will be a little topsy-turvy until your head settles, but you'll get there.

 

As for predictions - he'll probably try to meet up with you again since you turned him down, and he may come on stronger this time. Hold your ground unless YOU are ready...and by that point, you might not want to meet him at all.

Edited October 24, 2013 by Pfenixphire

[Simon Phoenix]

Sounded like he wanted a booty call personally. And yes, you acted stupid because you keep responding even though you know you shouldn't. Maybe you should look into blocking him, because you obviously don't have the self-control not to respond. I'm glad you didn't go and sleep with him, but how many threads have you started where you've been told not to respond, yet you do it anyway. Come on, it's time to get your head in the game. If you aren't strong enough to avoid it on your own, you need to take preventive steps like blocking.

[Brown-Eyez]

We won't blast you - what you're feeling is perfectly reasonable.

 

You put your foot down, and good for you for doing that.

 

 

Honestly, if he was able to get into your head...then you definitely weren't ready to encounter him again. It's good that you recognized that.

 

While I do think that meeting again to "see if something is there" CAN be okay...both people have to be healed and able to treat the meeting like a first date with a brand new person. No expectation, no pain, no lingering rejection.

 

You understood that you're not at that place yet, and you held him at bay. Not many people would have the strength to say "no" in that situation. I'm sure I would've given in just for the chance at seeing if the "spark" was still there.

 

Seriously. Hold your head high. Things will be a little topsy-turvy until your head settles, but you'll get there.

 

As for predictions - he'll probably try to meet up with you again since you turned him down, and he may come on stronger this time. Hold your ground unless YOU are ready...and by that point, you might not want to meet him at all.

 

thank you! thank you for this ^^

 

i didn't realize how awful i feel until reading your response made me cry

[Brown-Eyez]

Sounded like he wanted a booty call personally. And yes, you acted stupid because you keep responding even though you know you shouldn't. Maybe you should look into blocking him, because you obviously don't have the self-control not to respond. I'm glad you didn't go and sleep with him, but how many threads have you started where you've been told not to respond, yet you do it anyway. Come on, it's time to get your head in the game. If you aren't strong enough to avoid it on your own, you need to take preventive steps like blocking.

 

you're right

and i wondered about it being a booty call too

 

I'm just really afraid to block him because then he is out of my life completely

 

i don't think i'm ready to fully let go..as much as that sucks for me

 

I'm getting good at the NC (i don't initiate) but i can't stop myself from responding cuz of this thing called

HOPE

[Simon Phoenix]

you're right

and i wondered about it being a booty call too

 

I'm just really afraid to block him because then he is out of my life completely

 

i don't think i'm ready to fully let go..as much as that sucks for me

 

I'm getting good at the NC (i don't initiate) but i can't stop myself from responding cuz of this thing called

HOPE

 

He is out of your life. He dumped you. That's what happens. And you aren't good at the NC at all. Every time you respond, that's a break of NC. You aren't doing anything remotely close to NC. Telling your self white lies to make yourself feel better isn't remotely helpful. NC means NO CONTACT.

 

You need to lose that hope. It's completely holding you back. The only way to lose that hope is to stop communicating with him. Because you aren't capable of being strong enough not to respond, you have to block him. The limbo of "having hope" is much worse than setting yourself free.

 

I mean, you'll do it when you do it no matter what I say. But the more you dawdle around and avoid it, the longer and the more powerful the hurt will be. You really need to acknowledge that it is over. You are broken up. You don't seem to get that.

[Brown-Eyez]

He is out of your life. He dumped you. That's what happens. And you aren't good at the NC at all. Every time you respond, that's a break of NC. You aren't doing anything remotely close to NC. Telling your self white lies to make yourself feel better isn't remotely helpful. NC means NO CONTACT.

 

You really need to acknowledge that it is over. You are broken up. You don't seem to get that.

 

^this is hard to swallow cuz he keeps contacting me like every week or two

and he said he really missed me and wanted to be with me

so I figured it was maybe a new start?

[Brown-Eyez]

btw I'm trying

but its really really hard when my heart still wants him..

[Never Again]

He is out of your life. He dumped you. That's what happens. And you aren't good at the NC at all. Every time you respond, that's a break of NC. You aren't doing anything remotely close to NC. Telling your self white lies to make yourself feel better isn't remotely helpful. NC means NO CONTACT.

 

You need to lose that hope. It's completely holding you back. The only way to lose that hope is to stop communicating with him. Because you aren't capable of being strong enough not to respond, you have to block him. The limbo of "having hope" is much worse than setting yourself free.

 

I mean, you'll do it when you do it no matter what I say. But the more you dawdle around and avoid it, the longer and the more powerful the hurt will be. You really need to acknowledge that it is over. You are broken up. You don't seem to get that.

 

I may not have as firm a stance as this Phoenix, but he has a solid point.

 

It's good that you didn't meet him...BUT, you do need time alone to heal.

 

That means not having ANY contact with him at all. At least not until you're healed and over it. By then, you may not even want to talk to him.

[Simon Phoenix]

^this is hard to swallow cuz he keeps contacting me like every week or two

and he said he really missed me and wanted to be with me

so I figured it was maybe a new start?

 

You need to stop being so naive. And if i'm not mistaken, weren't you the first to break NC, or at the very least really excitedly responsive when he did? He probably thinks you are an easy mark. And you kind of are, though you did show some smarts and backbone by not jumping at him "wanting to get with you".

 

If he wants to get back with you, he'll move mountains no matter what you say (or hopefully, don't say). You need to stop making that process easy on him, because you'll just end up in limbo getting nothing ou want while he gets exactly what he wants.

 

Please stop being a naive, idealistic pushover. Take the moxie you showed by not getting with him and build on it until you aren't talking to him.

[Never Again]

^this is hard to swallow cuz he keeps contacting me like every week or two

and he said he really missed me and wanted to be with me

so I figured it was maybe a new start?

 

You can't have a new start until you let go of the old.

 

You hope is tying you to your old relationship. That one ended.

 

Could the two of you have something someday? Maybe.

 

You can't think about that right now because it keeps the wounds open. If you got back together with him right now, you wouldn't be YOU. The same problems would return, you'd be filled with anxiety about if he could leave you again, and it would be a disaster.

 

The only way to have something new, with ANYONE, is to let go.

[Simon Phoenix]

I may not have as firm a stance as this Phoenix, but he has a solid point.

 

It's good that you didn't meet him...BUT, you do need time alone to heal.

 

That means not having ANY contact with him at all. At least not until you're healed and over it. By then, you may not even want to talk to him.

 

Don't worry about that, I'm the bad cop. It's what I do.

[candie13]

 

You can't think about that right now because it keeps the wounds open. If you got back together with him right now, you wouldn't be YOU. The same problems would return, you'd be filled with anxiety about if he could leave you again, and it would be a disaster.

 

The only way to have something new, with ANYONE, is to let go.

 

Did your ex say he was sorry ? Ever? Promised to change ? Promised to make you happy ? So then, if he did not, why take him back? To dump you again? To hurt you all over again ? To be in the same spot, again, sometime soon ?

 

His missing you is irrelevant. Your missing him is irrelevant. This will not solve your problems. That's why you are apart, because of your problems.

 

Take care of the cause & u won't have to face any of the consequences. He is manipulating you, to gain more of your time, more fun, more sex and then dismiss you whenever he pleases.

 

What do you have to gain in this equation, other than more heartache, more guilt and even more wasted time ?

 

Stand your ground and make him respect you. He does not. For the moment, he treats you as if you were disposable. Is this how you want to be loved?

[Brown-Eyez]

 

He is manipulating you, to gain more of your time, more fun, more sex and then dismiss you whenever he pleases.

 

 

Stand your ground and make him respect you. He does not. For the moment, he treats you as if you were disposable. Is this how you want to be loved?

 

you make a lot of excellent points!

 

I'm working on my self respect

every day is better..

 

he did say that if the feelings were still there for us he wouldn't take off again...I think he's confused too

[Brown-Eyez]

You need to stop being so naive. And if i'm not mistaken, weren't you the first to break NC, or at the very least really excitedly responsive when he did? He probably thinks you are an easy mark. And you kind of are, though you did show some smarts and backbone by not jumping at him "wanting to get with you".

 

If he wants to get back with you, he'll move mountains no matter what you say (or hopefully, don't say). You need to stop making that process easy on him, because you'll just end up in limbo getting nothing ou want while he gets exactly what he wants.

 

Please stop being a naive, idealistic pushover. Take the moxie you showed by not getting with him and build on it until you aren't talking to him.

 

I am an easy mark! its almost sad

but you're right I am building up my moxie, one pebble at a time

 

if I block his number/email so his texts/emails don't go through

how would he ever reach me if he gets serious?

and I kinda hate the idea of him sending me stuff and it just disappearing somewhere and him thinking I'm just ignoring him

 

I know I shouldn't care but i do

[reddragon588]

btw I'm trying

but its really really hard when my heart still wants him..

 

I 100% understand, which is why you have to override your hearts wishes.

[Simon Phoenix]

I am an easy mark! its almost sad

but you're right I am building up my moxie, one pebble at a time

 

if I block his number/email so his texts/emails don't go through

how would he ever reach me if he gets serious?

and I kinda hate the idea of him sending me stuff and it just disappearing somewhere and him thinking I'm just ignoring him

 

I know I shouldn't care but i do

 

Stop being a damn wuss. Trust me, he'd figure out how to reach you if he was so inclined.

[mtnbiker3000]

if I block his number/email so his texts/emails don't go through

how would he ever reach me if he gets serious?

and I kinda hate the idea of him sending me stuff and it just disappearing somewhere and him thinking I'm just ignoring him

 

I have seen many people hang on to this reasoning on here. I'm sorry, but it's the wrong mentality. Again, you two are kaput. History. Done. You SHOULDN'T have one care about what he feels about anything.

 

There have been a few others on here who refuse to accept the end. Refuse to let go. It's always the same outcome. And, you won't like it. That I can guarantee

[Simon Phoenix]

I have seen many people hang on to this reasoning on here. I'm sorry, but it's the wrong mentality. Again, you two are kaput. History. Done. You SHOULDN'T have one care about what he feels about anything.

 

There have been a few others on here who refuse to accept the end. Refuse to let go. It's always the same outcome. And, you won't like it. That I can guarantee

 

Yep, death through small cuts.

[candie13]

you make a lot of excellent points!

 

I'm working on my self respect

every day is better..

 

he did say that if the feelings were still there for us he wouldn't take off again...I think he's confused too

 

Let me see if I understand properly: when he was you and you two guys were solid together, he would stop having feelings for you. But when you are apart, separated, his feelings showed up and are so strong that he thinks this time you're gonna make it.

 

Really ? This sounds to you like a normal situation?

 

Usually, when there's a problem, both partners need to work, to fix it. What's your influence over "his problem"? Gonna try harder to be a better gf? More love able ? More attentive in bed? More attentive to his needs?

 

How about your needs? How about him being a good / better boyfriend, taking care of making you happy? Where did that part disappear? U think that it is fair? Him making it all about him and his needs... Especially since it's feelings, thus nothing u can directly influence... Don't you find that a bit manipulative?

 

If there are no hard, genuine feelings, there is nothing you can do. Absolutely nothing. You need to work on accepting that.

 

I believe he was honest when he was mentioning his feelings. But now that you are gone, it's not that his feelings have started to kick in. No. It's the thrills.

 

He wants you when he can't have you and won't want you when he can have you. Can you live with that sort of pressure? Can you make him work for every little bit of you, so that he continues having his thrills (of a chase) even when you get together?

 

Sounds complicated.

 

Peace of mind over a piece of arse, girlfriend.

 

If he doesn't treasure you now, when you are young, beautiful and strong, you think he will like you if you get ill? Or if you need him, for support, if something bad's gonna happen to you? You'll be on your own. Now, when you are in tip top shape, when your life is in tip top shape, he is being unreliable.

 

Do the math. You won't be 20 forever and you will feel like kicking yourself for having spent them with the wrong people, those who don't appreciate you.

[melell]

Having it so that my ex was able to contact me was as bad for me as actually sending him a message or calling.

 

As soon as I had my numbers changed it was like a huge weight lifted, and finally I had no reason to consider what he thought.

 

On one occasion I had to text him I sent it from my sisters phone.

 

When he ended up contacting my home phone he got the new number off my grandma (wtf).

 

Reading a message from him was as damaging as replying.

 

If you don't want to continue all of this then complete nc is the only way to make it go faster.

If you want to keep talking to him and see what happens then that is up to you- the above advice is only if you want the whole situation over with.

[h0000]

why did he dump you? feelings changed? how long have you been NC for?

[candie13]

Having it so that my ex was able to contact me was as bad for me as actually sending him a message or calling.

 

As soon as I had my numbers changed it was like a huge weight lifted, and finally I had no reason to consider what he thought.

 

On one occasion I had to text him I sent it from my sisters phone.

 

When he ended up contacting my home phone he got the new number off my grandma (wtf).

 

Reading a message from him was as damaging as replying.

 

If you don't want to continue all of this then complete nc is the only way to make it go faster.

If you want to keep talking to him and see what happens then that is up to you- the above advice is only if you want the whole situation over with.

 

Listen, this NC thing needs to be treated with a pinch of salt. No contact as in you NOT contacting him.

 

If he texts, indeed, don't answer. But if he insists texting, you should answer. To tell him to buzz off. Same thing with the calls. If he insists, you should answer as well. To listen to what he has to say.

 

 

If you don't answer him, he will think you are afraid of him, and he will know you are weak. So he might persist further more and continue with this aggravation.

 

Basically, when he contacts you, if he tries to BS you, you can always give him the "f*ck off" speech. If he changes his story, same thing. Unless he tells you exactly what you need to hear, you need to reject him.

 

That is hard, but if you hide behind NC, he will realize you're hesitant. And will hunt you down. Which is exactly what your ex did. Mine showed up at the door. I wasn't as strong as I wanted to be, but I didn't let him get away with it.

 

And after coming and talking to me, I've realized he'll always try to lie. It'll always be about him. Never about me.

 

The moment I've confronted him, I've gained my freedom. From him and from my previous relationship.

 

Why go through the trouble of changing your telephone number? He's not putting half that effort into anything related to you.

[Brown-Eyez]

Thank you for your kind and helpful thoughts!

 

even though he has completely gone silent

I'm feeling ok this morning

 

maybe I expected he would stop contacting me again..

I re-read our text convo,

he wasn't really sweet to me

even alittle rough in his talk.

 

certainly it didn't sound like someone who was working on getting a girlfriend back

knowing this helps me

 

I haven't seen him in almost 3 months

and have learned during that time i'm a good person

good enough anyway not to be with someone who just may not be into me..

 

I had a boyfriend before where I MADE him love me...so much HARD work, completely wore me out!!

I promised myself never ever again will I go after someone who (even if I like him alot) doesn't seem into me

 

it looks like I'm now in that situation

 

so I'm not doing anything (cept maybe look at my phone for a text from him alittle )

and am still working on dating other guys (haven't met anyone good yet)

 

And One day I hope to report here that I finally did block him

that will be our end (in my head anyway)

 

thanks again for listening to my pathetic rant

[mtnbiker3000]

Listen, this NC thing needs to be treated with a pinch of salt. No contact as in you NOT contacting him.

 

If he texts, indeed, don't answer. But if he insists texting, you should answer. To tell him to buzz off. Same thing with the calls. If he insists, you should answer as well. To listen to what he has to say.

 

If you don't answer him, he will think you are afraid of him, and he will know you are weak. So he might persist further more and continue with this aggravation.

 

That is hard, but if you hide behind NC, he will realize you're hesitant. And will hunt you down. Which is exactly what your ex did. Mine showed up at the door. I wasn't as strong as I wanted to be, but I didn't let him get away with it.

 

I completely disagree. NC speaks volumes. And this girl is in no shape to have any communication with him. DO NOT respond to any contact...

 

If need be, get the law involved. Stick to NC!!!!