nicepuzzle Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I wonder when wife finds about A and they both commit to make it work for kids and poor BOW becomes the bad person. Does it actuslly work for them or they are playing husband and wife? I wont be able loveafter being cheated on. How is life afterwards? Any thoughts?
Author nicepuzzle Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Its painful and difficult and fabulous and magical all at the same time- Its like a near death experience that draws you closer-makes you more appreciative-you choose each other again under the worse of circumstances- My husband can not keep his hands off me-he works daily to show me how sorry he is and how much he loves me- we are dating again-having sex like teenagers-it always makes me laugh when an OW says they would never deal with being cheated on-they are with a cheater, they are a cheater, their MM is cheating on them with the wife-difference is the OW knows and is OK with sharing- when dday hits and the choice is made for the BS the triangle is broken-most BS can not imagine willingly being in a triangulated relationship and most would not put up with it- why would anyone do that to themselves-willingly? And BTW- reconciliation means facing who you are and what you did-I can not imagine men willing to cheat would stay and do that for the "sake of the kids"-thats a load of bunk- My best friend's husband cheated, got caught, felt guilty had teenage sex and when things calmed down started looking out again and he was also hitting on me. Once a cheater is always a cheater. Poor BS want to believe that they changed. And what would you say about man who dont even admit it and have/had multiple partners and spouse is in denial....
Raena Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I think it really depends on how much effort the WS makes to be with their spouse after an affair and what the affair entailed. Was it a one night stand, or was there more to it than that? What do they do afterwards to try and repair the relationship. In some cases, the WS goes out of their way to reconcile and in that case, they aren't just playing husband and wife, they ARE husband and wife. I believe that marriage takes work on both parts, it isn't just a one sided event. Both parties need to put effort in, be committed, be honest and all of the other stuff that makes a relationship healthy. In other cases, the WS doesn't put that much effort into fixing things, just keeps doing what they were doing before and then the relationship is bound to fail again. I don't think there is an easy answer to this question. If you are the OW/OM and you are hoping that the M will fail to make you feel better, or want to convince yourself that the WS loved you so much that they can't possibly work things out with the spouse then you have a hard road ahead of you because there are times that it does work out and makes the relationship stronger. 2
2sure Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 For a marriage that at least was strong once, a crisis like infidelity can be a turning point. And it should be either a return to a stronger marriage or to divorce. In focusing together on the marriage, the problems that resulted in the affair, opening the truth and communication...there are many couples here that have a stronger marriage after the crisis . I divorced my husband for cheating not because of OW, (if it hadn't been one it would have been another) but because he had no integrity 8
Author nicepuzzle Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 For a marriage that at least was strong once, a crisis like infidelity can be a turning point. And it should be either a return to a stronger marriage or to divorce. In focusing together on the marriage, the problems that resulted in the affair, opening the truth and communication...there are many couples here that have a stronger marriage after the crisis . I divorced my husband for cheating not because of OW, (if it hadn't been one it would have been another) but because he had no integrity What do u mean by strong one...? How can a man have emotional and physical affair if marriage is strong one?
Rollercoaster Rider Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Its painful and difficult and fabulous and magical all at the same time- Its like a near death experience that draws you closer-makes you more appreciative-you choose each other again under the worse of circumstances- My husband can not keep his hands off me-he works daily to show me how sorry he is and how much he loves me- we are dating again-having sex like teenagers-it always makes me laugh when an OW says they would never deal with being cheated on-they are with a cheater, they are a cheater, their MM is cheating on them with the wife-difference is the OW knows and is OK with sharing- when dday hits and the choice is made for the BS the triangle is broken-most BS can not imagine willingly being in a triangulated relationship and most would not put up with it- why would anyone do that to themselves-willingly? And BTW- reconciliation means facing who you are and what you did-I can not imagine men willing to cheat would stay and do that for the "sake of the kids"-thats a load of bunk- It is good to hear you are reconciling... but in certain situations I believe the MM does return and play the part, it's not a choice the BS has if they don't know about it. In my case, D-day was 14 months ago. My MM and his wife did the MC... 6 whole sessions, and moved on with life. I know from my own MC, you can't accomplish much in 6 sessions. He has stayed in our relationship still, even though he was caught and is staying at home. He really has just gotten smarter at hiding the affair, he hasn't given the 100% he should be to his marriage. So in that case... you can play the part at home.
jlola Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 My best friend's husband cheated, got caught, felt guilty had teenage sex and when things calmed down started looking out again and he was also hitting on me. Once a cheater is always a cheater. Poor BS want to believe that they changed. And what would you say about man who dont even admit it and have/had multiple partners and spouse is in denial.... If you really believe that, then why would you knowingly get into a relationship with a cheater as OW? I was ALMOST OW once. All it took was 1 phone call from his live in to set me straight! He swore they broke up, tried to tell me he was just staying there till he found a place to live. But I believed her. I stopped talking to him and he came by my workplace with puppy dog eyes for 2 weeks. looking absolutely pathetic. He was a cheater now and I could not "knowingly " start a relationship with someone like that. I am not that special. It was hard, really hard to walk since he was physically about the most perfect specimen I have ever seen IRL and completely my type! He also had a way with flattery,buying me flowers all the time, doting on me. He knew he was stunning and would be extra hard for any woman to walk away from. But I did it and I think he was shocked. Too many woman willing to settle for a triangle. They think eventually, they will be chosen. But ultimately, many men lose respect for the OW who are willing to take his crumbs. I want a man who is 100% mine. No sharing! 7
Author nicepuzzle Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 more on my my story. I fell in a love a mm, since his life was empty and his wife cheated on him. We saw each other for 5 years and we went NC. He came back after 5 years of NC and told me couldn't forget me. However, however after sleeping with half of the town and than told me its just sex with other women and meant nothing. So he was with his wife because of the kids, he was sleeping casually with other women since it was just sex and with me it was love. I couldnt take it and questioned him and ofcourse made me mad. And than he said NC again. I was family friend so that means seeing him again...same games and feelings again and a never ending loop. This time I decided not to be BOW, but a self respecting OW calling the shots and close for good. I asked for an apology for disturbing my life and he said no. I told his wife, NOT because I wanted to hurt her or their their relationship but for me. So I canve NC for good. Why it should always be me cut off ties stay away from his family, move on feeling heart broken and he goes to his wife to work on it. What a looser. I ended it and not only told her about me but every single affair he had. Now, go and get over my betrayel. Revenge is nver good but choice he left for me. He repeated the whole past and destroyed everything. I had successfully left the past behind. Why did I fall for what he said, cauz I loved him. I know I shouldnt have told his wife but hey, I need to think about myself once...too. its not all about him and his family, who he constantly cheats on.
Latte Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I wonder when wife finds about A and they both commit to make it work for kids and poor BOW becomes the bad person. Does it actuslly work for them or they are playing husband and wife? I wont be able loveafter being cheated on. How is life afterwards? Any thoughts? I posted in the Infidelity section of my situation but I recently found out my husband was cheating on me and I am still thinking really long and hard on what I want to do. It is because we have children together (one of them not born yet but will be very soon) that is the biggest reason for my dilemma. Like you I am worried that I just won't be able to do it. It doesn't help that I keep finding out little things after D-day. It is the worst hell a person can go through. You think you got the facts, then you have to try to process them while it feels like your insides have been turned upside down and inside out, only to find out there are more facts you were unaware of. So I may not be in the right mind to be saying this but I think it may really differ on how the WS acts after the A has been discovered whether or not te marriage can be salvaged, or even made stronger. And I'm sorry, whatever the reasons may be for a person to want to get involved with a married person, I don't find anything "poor" about them. Of course they are the bad person. Along with the person who cheated. 2
2sure Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 What do u mean by strong one...? How can a man have emotional and physical affair if marriage is strong one? I meant that if the marriage was strong and loving in the past, before they grew apart, they may both know and want to return to that. Their shared history may help them through the crisis. 6
Author nicepuzzle Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 If you really believe that, then why would you knowingly get into a relationship with a cheater as OW? I was ALMOST OW once. All it took was 1 phone call from his live in to set me straight! He swore they broke up, tried to tell me he was just staying there till he found a place to live. But I believed her. I stopped talking to him and he came by my workplace with puppy dog eyes for 2 weeks. looking absolutely pathetic. He was a cheater now and I could not "knowingly " start a relationship with someone like that. I am not that special. It was hard, really hard to walk since he was physically about the most perfect specimen I have ever seen IRL and completely my type! He also had a way with flattery,buying me flowers all the time, doting on me. He knew he was stunning and would be extra hard for any woman to walk away from. But I did it and I think he was shocked. Too many woman willing to settle for a triangle. They think eventually, they will be chosen. But ultimately, many men lose respect for the OW who are willing to take his crumbs. I want a man who is 100% mine. No sharing! You are right, but men who want to cheat go extra miles to coo a woman. I didnt want to start any relationship but this MM never gave up and I finally fell in love with him. I admit that he was a good player to get me. Not all women are smart and some might be innocent not much experience d with men. An easy target for a professional player.
Latte Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 What do u mean by strong one...? How can a man have emotional and physical affair if marriage is strong one? I thought that too. But then my husband went out and did just that.
Author nicepuzzle Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 I posted in the Infidelity section of my situation but I recently found out my husband was cheating on me and I am still thinking really long and hard on what I want to do. It is because we have children together (one of them not born yet but will be very soon) that is the biggest reason for my dilemma. Like you I am worried that I just won't be able to do it. It doesn't help that I keep finding out little things after D-day. It is the worst hell a person can go through. You think you got the facts, then you have to try to process them while it feels like your insides have been turned upside down and inside out, only to find out there are more facts you were unaware of. So I may not be in the right mind to be saying this but I think it may really differ on how the WS acts after the A has been discovered whether or not te marriage can be salvaged, or even made stronger. And I'm sorry, whatever the reasons may be for a person to want to get involved with a married person, I don't find anything "poor" about them. Of course they are the bad person. Along with the person who cheated. My heart goes out for you. But I think self esteem is most important. I became OW cauz my XMM told how his wife cheated and tortured him and he is stuck in a dead marriage because of the kids. I was naive an ediot and wish came to this forum. I resisted him for many years and mote he insisted in every way and it became an emotional affair before becoming physical. Took me 3 years to make it physical. A lession learnt. And no I am not a bad person, just cheated on myself.
2sure Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Weski, you know every person and couple has their own process of reconciliation. And like rebuilding and recovering from any life changing thing...there will be stumbling blocks. Back slides. One step forward by one , two steps back by the other . Sure, there's a process in place, but putting it all together probably takes practice. OP, if someone has said they want to put their marriage back together, you can accept that or you can risk being part of a backslide. But, it's making yourself part of someone else's dysfunctional issue. 3
Author nicepuzzle Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 RollerCoaster-why are you involved with such a person-he sounds awful-you sound smart- why do you continue a relationship with a chronic liar? I have no idea the state of others reconciliation but I know our is real-if you sat through our counseling sessions and saw the pain of realization within my husband you would get it-true reconciliation is difficult and you can not fake it- If he is admitting and is really sorry, that would work. My xMM wife told me he didnt even admit to her. Forget about remorse. I fell for him cauz he chased me for years with his sad stories and I believed him. He sound3d honest and in tears. And it was my first love. I wish I consulted the forum and knew better.
Author nicepuzzle Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Weski, you know every person and couple has their own process of reconciliation. And like rebuilding and recovering from any life changing thing...there will be stumbling blocks. Back slides. One step forward by one , two steps back by the other . Sure, there's a process in place, but putting it all together probably takes practice. OP, if someone has said they want to put their marriage back together, you can accept that or you can risk being part of a backslide. But, it's making yourself part of someone else's dysfunctional issue. You are right. I closed the chapter since I was worried he would come back again and it had to end for good. 4
2sure Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 If he is admitting and is really sorry, that would work. My xMM wife told me he didnt even admit to her. Forget about remorse. I fell for him cauz he chased me for years with his sad stories and I believed him. He sound3d honest and in tears. And it was my first love. I wish I consulted the forum and knew better. I'm sorry you're hurt. I can tell you that I'm sure part of his wife taking him back also included his crying and tears and sob story. He is confused, or selfish. Even for those that can get past the moral issue of someone being married....there is this crap. It's just too much drama and hurt. Unavailable comes in many forms. 2
jlola Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 My heart goes out for you. But I think self esteem is most important. I became OW cauz my XMM told how his wife cheated and tortured him and he is stuck in a dead marriage because of the kids. I was naive an ediot and wish came to this forum. I resisted him for many years and mote he insisted in every way and it became an emotional affair before becoming physical. Took me 3 years to make it physical. A lession learnt. And no I am not a bad person, just cheated on myself. There was a huge red flag when he wold not accept your boundaries and leave you alone when you resisted him. It is not because he cares so much, but because his ego will not allow him to lose. this is the sad part. Women with no self esteem are flattered by pushy men. It should be a turn-off. If I tell a MM to leave me alone and he persist,why would I be flattered? It is a numbers game to him. Many women would be turned off by his persistance. And IF his wife did cheat, what does that have to do with you? It is his problem to solve. Was he looking for pity? A rel man would solve that issue himself without searching for someone to cry to. He would either ask her to go to couple's therapy or leave. I find those men so pathetic. We all hve relationship issues. I can tell lots of stories that get me pity too. I can talk about my bad boyfriends,bad childhood and all. But I have sister or family member or good friend of the same sex I discuss this with. I never get into a relationship and start sharing right away. In fact, it takes a long time for me to trust, so many people who have known me a long time a very surprised to know my history when I finally open up. Complete opposite of my sister who has been married 5x. She shares all of her "poor me' stories" with men very quickly. that way, she attracts men who need to save the damsel. #1 clue of a toxic person is not manipulation. It is "pity play" 3
Author nicepuzzle Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 I'm sorry you're hurt. I can tell you that I'm sure part of his wife taking him back also included his crying and tears and sob story. He is confused, or selfish. Even for those that can get past the moral issue of someone being married....there is this crap. It's just too much drama and hurt. Unavailable comes in many forms. In this particular story, she has her own past baggages and he is rich and they live in orange county. Society show off etc... but you are right he must have said the right things to stay. Looks like he wanted me to tell her since he did no effort to stop me and I begged him to stop me. Wonder why he didnt stop me???
2sure Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 In this particular story, she has her own past baggages and he is rich and they live in orange county. Society show off etc... but you are right he must have said the right things to stay. Looks like he wanted me to tell her since he did no effort to stop me and I begged him to stop me. Wonder why he didnt stop me??? Oh you know, there are SO many different kinds of relationships and people who can say why? Maybe she knew, maybe he told her, maybe they have an unspoken agreement, or maybe she just doesn't care. Maybe he told her to expect a call from a nut job , maybe his was a revenge affair and now they are even, maybe he doesn't want to lose his Porsche. 2
Author nicepuzzle Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 I agree with you. I wish I was as smart and strong as you and pushed him away but I worked for him and I needed the job. Played wuth fire and got burnt. Regarding self esteem, I have it with me and feels great by du.mping him in return telling his wife she can have him, I am not interested.
Author nicepuzzle Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Oh you know, there are SO many different kinds of relationships and people who can say why? Maybe she knew, maybe he told her, maybe they have an unspoken agreement, or maybe she just doesn't care. Maybe he told her to expect a call from a nut job , maybe his was a revenge affair and now they are even, maybe he doesn't want to lose his Porsche. Ha ha...in this case I was his family friend and well aware that she was well aware that he was caught before as well...he is famous for sleepung with half of the town and she is desperately trying to keep him because of her own affairs. So glad to be out of the mess.
2sure Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I agree with you. I wish I was as smart and strong as you and pushed him away but I worked for him and I needed the job. Played wuth fire and got burnt. Regarding self esteem, I have it with me and feels great by du.mping him in return telling his wife she can have him, I am not interested. Haha! No, not as smart as me, you're probably smarter. I'm the XWife of a serial cheater. You dumped him, I married him. We live, learn, and move on.
Author nicepuzzle Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 There was a huge red flag when he wold not accept your boundaries and leave you alone when you resisted him. It is not because he cares so much, but because his ego will not allow him to lose. this is the sad part. Women with no self esteem are flattered by pushy men. It should be a turn-off. If I tell a MM to leave me alone and he persist,why would I be flattered? It is a numbers game to him. Many women would be turned off by his persistance. And IF his wife did cheat, what does that have to do with you? It is his problem to solve. Was he looking for pity? A rel man would solve that issue himself without searching for someone to cry to. He would either ask her to go to couple's therapy or leave. I find those men so pathetic. We all hve relationship issues. I can tell lots of stories that get me pity too. I can talk about my bad boyfriends,bad childhood and all. But I have sister or family member or good friend of the same sex I discuss this with. I never get into a relationship and start sharing right away. In fact, it takes a long time for me to trust, so many people who have known me a long time a very surprised to know my history when I finally open up. Complete opposite of my sister who has been married 5x. She shares all of her "poor me' stories" with men very quickly. that way, she attracts men who need to save the damsel. #1 clue of a toxic person is not manipulation. It is "pity play" I I don't remember saying I was flattered. I said I just believed him and felt sorry for him. You sound like a BS and bitter and I can understand that.
Author nicepuzzle Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Haha! No, not as smart as me, you're probably smarter. I'm the XWife of a serial cheater. You dumped him, I married him. We live, learn, and move on. True... I just regret to get into and waste my time. Wish I could completely erase that part of life from my memory. Its disgusting.
Recommended Posts