Feeling worthless...

[marzer]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm 26m, she's 22f. She ended our relationship almost two weeks ago after a few months of fighting. Most of the fighting stemmed from her indecision about living with me; about 12 months ago she started "nesting" at my place bit by bit, until eventually (by about 6 months ago) she was spending 7 days a week here and had moved a lot of stuff in. One day I became aware of what had happened, so we had a talk about her contributing to costs and making it more of a formal thing. After a couple of days confusion, she agreed and life went on. A couple of months later, a friend of hers who was living in an apartment had just lost a roommate and needed some financial help. She asked my girl to move in with her until her lease ended, but I felt uncomfortable with that arrangement and asked her to stay, to which she agreed. A week after that, she went ahead and moved in with her friend anyway, which caused a lot of resentment and anger from me, and ongoing fights ensued.

 

We really tried to work it out, but that conflict combined with her stressful new job and my intense study requirements this year caused us to become distant - me in particular. I've never been the most romantic or thoughtful person at the best of times, and this year just really ground what little I had right into the ground. I guess I was stifling her, or something.

 

There were a few other things I realize I was doing that was pushing her away;

- I'm a very intense person so I tend to get consumed by whatever project or thing I'm interested in at the time, and I was neglecting her.

- I'm an IT student so a lot of the work I do is at the computer. A lot of late nights at the PC meant a lot of nights of her going to sleep alone, which upset her.

- She really wants to travel, but I'm not in a position to travel, financially, at the moment, I think this made her feel like I was "trapping her"

 

The sunday she broke up with me I'd just gotten back from a Buck's night/weekend event in another town, and she'd gone out with work friends. I since found out that she got very drunk and slept with a guy, cementing her decision. She told me about it, incidentally- it wasn't a dishonest thing. The only thing that was dishonest about it was that she told me a few days later, rather than at the time. I wasn't super upset about that, given how things have been between us recently, but what really hurts is that the following weekend (the one just gone) she spent the whole night with some other guy, and then had a "booty call" with him the next day too.

 

I sent her a text last sunday asking her if she wanted to go to the beach or something, since it was a beautiful day, to which she agreed. We went back to my place, had probably the best sex we've ever had, and she went home. The next day I was feeling depressed and posted a really down-and-out status on facebook (I blocked her for my own sanity, but one of her friends forwarded it to her). When she texted me to ask if I was OK, we spoke on the phone for a while and she agreed to go on a date with me next week (reluctantly, I might add). All well and good, but I kinda ****ed it up after that. Last night I unblocked her on facebook and sent her a message apologising for being insensitive during our relationship and being ready to make changes for her. Shortly after that she blocked me, and in an upset stupor I drove to where I knew she was and pleaded for a few minutes to talk and say goodbye, though her friend didn't let me inside and I went home.

 

So, I guess I'm in NC now. Day 1. I miss her so much already, and I just want a do-over...

[Sleepyhead]

She cheated on you and you still want a second chance? I don't care how busy you were, or that you argued about her moving out, it doesn't give her an excuse to cheat... Did you guys really sit and talk about how she was looking for more from you while you were busy/neglectful? And so what if you can't afford to travel? That doesn't make you any less of a lover. The three things you thonk you did wrong sound relatively minor in the big picture... I don't think you should feel worthless. It sounds like there were issues from both sides that could have been addressed with good communication (if you didn't do that before, I mean).

 

Also I'm a little confused about why you were so upset about her moving to her friend's temporarily (but not the cheating as much), did she sign the lease at your place and make it official before that?

[marzer]

Yeah, I know she cheated on me, though it was only the day before she broke it off- the second guy (the "booty call" one) was the following weekend. I've gone through cycles of being angry and OK with it, but I can't help but see it as part of the "bigger picture". Pathetic, right?

 

We did sit down and talk about it, quite a bit in fact- problem is, I'm very articulate and measured during discussions, whereas she's prone to frustration and temper-tantrums. As a means of quelling storms, she'd often just acquiesce without ever really feeling as though I'd heard or appreciated her side. I'd walk away thinking we'd come to a resolution, whereas she'd be feeling resentful and guilty. Certainly room for improvement. I did suggest us going to speak to a counselor or relationship coach at some point, and she was alright with that idea, but then life got in the way and it never materialized.

 

The main reason I was upset about the moving thing was that I was insecure. I was hurt very badly in a previous live-in relationship when the girl at the time cheated and strung me along for quite a while; for some reason when my recent ex suggested living with her friend, my insecurity and jealousy kicked in and made me fearful that it was a cheap/gutless attempt at putting distance between us to end the relationship. Irrational, but that's how I felt. Ironic that even if that was not her intention, in a way it became a self-fulfilling prophecy

 

EDIT: Realized I didn't fully answer your last question. No, she didn't sign anything. She just started contributing to the rent.

Edited October 24, 2013 by marzer

[marzer]

She's unblocked me again (on facebook). **** knows why. I should probably re-block her; I don't want any BS

[Fufu]

Why are you checking whether she unblock you on facebook or not.. please NC and don't bother about her anymore

[marzer]

Yeah, I wasn't actively checking, I just happened to notice she came up in my news feed again. I'm blocking her again myself.

 

Day 2...

[Assasda]

You knew that you were jealous and needy, and you knew thats why why cheated on you. I commend you for owning up to that and taking responsibility for it.

 

She also cheated on you, and you shouldnt be aoplogizing for anything.

 

Right now, you dont want to stifle her like you were doing before. You dont want to be the jealous guy that you were in the first place.

- You also want to keep your dignity and not be a mumbling, apologizing, hand-wringing bafoon.

 

Stay away from her, and just have fun with her. THAT is all.

Remember that she cheated on you, but she is a friend. Have fun and let her dictate the relationship if she wants to at all.

 

In the mean time. Look for other girls to date

[marzer]

Thankyou. I'm trying to stay away, but it is so hard - I guess I'm still in that desparate, panic mode.

 

I'm going to see a psychologist next week as a means of helping me work through it, and focus on some other stuff I've been supressing (the jealousy, for instance). Hopefully that will help me deal with things.

[todreaminblue]

if you truly care about someone you don't feel trapped.....you don't feel stifled......you want that person in your life....travelling, nights spent sleeping alone....pale into comparison with the thought of not having that person in your life...far worse when you really do care and love someone is losing them......everything else is surmountable, all obstacles can be compromised with and overcome..... rather than to lose them...thats my thoughts...your insecurities caused damage, your taking her for granted caused problems.....you shouldnt question how she felt about you...she was with you for a reason...most likely to be love.......

 

i am sorry it didnt work out for you, maybe one day she might give you another chance.....until then you need to know , a break up isnt just because of one person....it takes two...and you should go a little easy on yourself do the things you love to do , and live your life.....

 

 

 

there are no reasons for being unfaithful...deb

Edited October 24, 2013 by todreaminblue

[marzer]

 

i am sorry it didnt work out for you, maybe one day she might give you another chance.....until then you need to know , a break up isnt just because of one person....it takes two...and you should go a little easy on yourself do the things you love to do , and live your life.....

 

 

 

there are no reasons for being unfaithful...deb

 

Thankyou, deb. That last line in particular. The fact that I still can't be angry about her cheating on me for more than a few minutes is probably pretty telling. I had anger issues when I was younger and needed counseling, so maybe I'm suppressing anger (and other feelings) too much?

 

Logically I know I should be furious; screaming at the top of my lungs, seeing red, smashing a boxing bag, etc. Perhaps the psychologist will help me out? O_o

[marzer]

Well, in day 3, and I'm showing some progress. I was actually angry today. Pure, unadulterated, blood-red rage. I didn't do anything dumb or dangerous, I just channeled it into a long distance run and brutal gym session.

 

Also had the satisfaction of blocking her on facebook - even after she sent me some trivial message (I did not respond). I love and miss her like crazy, but I know I'm on the right track.

[todreaminblue]

Thankyou, deb. That last line in particular. The fact that I still can't be angry about her cheating on me for more than a few minutes is probably pretty telling. I had anger issues when I was younger and needed counseling, so maybe I'm suppressing anger (and other feelings) too much?

 

Logically I know I should be furious; screaming at the top of my lungs, seeing red, smashing a boxing bag, etc. Perhaps the psychologist will help me out? O_o

 

You are welcome......dont know if seeing red and smashing things is helpful, kickboxing(lol ahem aorry...just corrected spelling here and it was so very telling to me)......

 

 

kickboxing to me is helpful for pent up feelings and or frustrations......you should allow yoruself to feel what you feel , if you dotn feel anger you arent meant to....nto everyone feels anger when someone cheats....i felt sad, a bit worthless, and eventually on continuation fo cheating.....numb and densenitized...i am goign otu for the red cross today ...feel a bit sad today......but i am nto goign to avoid what i sadi i woudl do which is door knock for the red cross.....a gracious chaority who helps many........bit nervous...sometimes helping others is the best medication.....easier to swallow than a pill...no gag reflex...just a feelign fo peace......cheating is to me......the worst betrayal......if you feel confused and a bti sad when you think fo it...then that si the way you porocess things...never think what you feel is ntop right because others process differently...i hardly ever got angry when i was cheated on...sad yes.......betrayal causes sadness in me........i wish you well...the gym thing awesome......the run ...cool...anger needs release.......because no human is built to hold on to anger and be sane.rage even more so ...watch how often you feel this dotn let anger change your heart.........lots of luck ...hugs....deb

[marzer]

Well, on what would have been day 4/5 of NC, I semi-broke it, and I'm not sure if it was a good thing or not.

 

A new-ish friend of mine (one that she does not know well) was talking to her on facebook about why her and I broke up, as he was pretty shocked since we seemed to have a really strong relationship. She'd been out drinking with friends that night so she opened up to him without much filtering, and said a lot of "I still care for him, but it won't work out" sort of stuff. My friend showed me the conversation (though I sort of which I'd never seen it).

 

I took advantage of the situation (her being a drunk and vulnerable) by unblocking her on facebook and having a nice flirty conversation, which went well. We caught up for coffee and a nice chat afterwards. She was trying to pull the "let's cut each other off completely" card, though we were talking about my psychologist appointment this week and she wanted to keep in touch with me after that to see how it goes.

 

Seems like a small percentage of her is still interested in a reconciliation, though there's a lot of internal dialogue going on.

 

Probably setting myself up for more heartbreak... "YOLO", I guess. On the plus side, I feel a lot happier in general, so I guess my "rage" day helped me work through some stuff.