He wants to move out but yet he still wants to be together?

[StephNicky]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time and have been living together for quite some time. My boyfriend is a very religious man, he is a Mormon and I on the other hand am an atheist. We never have discouraged each other about our personal beliefs, he accepts mine and I try my hardest to accept his. Well last night he told me that he wants to move out and back with his family. He said that he doesn't want to but he needs to have a closer relationship with God and spiritually he feels all twisted up. But when he moves out he wants to continue our relationship while living with his family. He says he has to stop doing the things we do, meaning have sex. Also his family and religion frown upon couples living together that are not married. I love him so much but I don't know if I can handle this... I hardly see him at home due to him trying to finish schooling and work and between my schooling and work. He swears up and down he loves me and he can't choose between me and his relationship between god. But what upsets me the most is he did not tell me he felt this way so we could talk about it. He made up his mind and did not give me a chance. I'm just so confused to if he's doing this for his religious reasons or is trying to find an easy way out of being in a relationship with me.

Edited October 24, 2013 by StephNicky

[heartshaped]

I think he's being honest about things meaning I think he is doing this for religious reasons.

 

Honestly, I don't know if your relationship with him can work. You being atheist and him being Mormon is a huge divide. A person's religious beliefs is not something that can be compromised as you're seeing now.

[ascendotum]

I'm a little surprised a mormon would be in a relationship or marry an athiest. Given this guy is very religious I would be inclined to think his reasons are genuine and not some play to get some more action on the side or to have greater freedom in his life or just a piss weak way of breaking up with you. I wonder if its because he is under a lot of pressure to get married and to another mormon and he knows whats expected of him, but just doesn't want miss out on enjoying your company in the meantime until the future Miss mormom wife shows up.

 

I would expect that when he said "He swears up and down he loves me and he can't choose between me and his relationship between god." its true, unfortunately with the likely increasing pressure of his church, mormon friends and family its making it hard for him to live life how he would like. I think if he moves back in with his family the expectations on him will be greater and the distance & time apart will weaken his love, which is likely what they want. I think you need to prepare that this will be the slow death of your relationship.

Edited October 24, 2013 by ascendotum

[StephNicky]

I'm a little surprised a mormon would be in a relationship or marry an athiest. Given this guy is very religious I would be inclined to think his reasons are genuine and not some play to get some more action on the side or to have greater freedom in his life or just a piss weak way of breaking up with you. I wonder if its because he is under a lot of pressure to get married and to another mormon and he knows whats expected of him, but just doesn't want miss out on enjoying your company in the meantime until the future Miss mormom wife shows up.

 

I would expect that when he said "He swears up and down he loves me and he can't choose between me and his relationship between god." its true, unfortunately with the likely increasing pressure of his church, mormon friends and family its making it hard for him to live life how he would like. I think if he moves back in with his family the expectations on him will be greater and the distance & time apart will weaken his love, which is likely what they want. I think you need to prepare that this will be the slow death of your relationship.

 

 

That is what also worries me is that he is expected to marry a Mormon girl. I know his family and church are expecting it but he doesn't feel that way. He wants his family to accept me but I've been too afraid to meet them, knowing they will only disapprove of me and the relationship. He's talked about marriage but I try to avoid that situation from getting my hopes up. He has even brought up children but I am afraid of getting married and having children, but he wants the whole family package... One night he even brought up that if I surprisingly got pregnant (which is unlikely I take birth control and use contraceptives) he would marry me and no one could stop us from being together. But I will not bring a child into this world to seal the deal that we stay together because that is selfish and that isn't fair to the said child... I just am gunna have to prepare myself to me and him not working no matter how much I wish it would.

[almond]

You've been together for a "long time" and also lived together for a significant period of time. He now has decided to move out, and has advised you that you are about to be stuck in a sexless relationship because you are not married. He could have taken the next step and asked you to marry him, but he chose to move out instead

 

This sucks, and I am very sorry. You must be really hurting. He really should have discussed the feelings and issues he was having with you first, but religious beliefs are a very personal thing.

 

He is obviously going through something...a conflict in his head. Religious beliefs can be messy in this regard, as they run deep. I have no doubt that he loves you, but this sort of confusion will be damaging for you over time.

 

Give it some time, but don't give it too much. You deserve more than to be stuck in a sexless relationship with someone who believes that the love you shared was in "sin." Hopefully he comes around, but if not, please find someone that you can love freely, and that can love you the same in return.

Edited October 24, 2013 by almond

[CC12]

I'm just so confused to if he's doing this for his religious reasons or is trying to find an easy way out of being in a relationship with me.

 

Either way, he is taking a big step out of your relationship. It almost doesn't matter whether it's for religious reasons or not. The end result is that he wants to move out and stop having sex with you.

 

He wants his family to accept me but I've been too afraid to meet them, knowing they will only disapprove of me and the relationship. He's talked about marriage but I try to avoid that situation from getting my hopes up. He has even brought up children but I am afraid of getting married and having children, but he wants the whole family package...

 

It doesn't seem like you're all that invested in the relationship - at least, not as much as he is (or was.) You won't meet his parents, you avoid the marriage issue, you're afraid of having kids. Notice that you didn't say you don't want kids, you said you're afraid of having them. There's a big difference.

 

What's all that about? Why are you so afraid and reserved in this relationship? Are you not really into it? How long do you think someone who wants a serious relationship, marriage, kids, should wait for you to come around?

 

You can't really fault him for taking a step back. He seems to be matching your level of commitment.

 

I just am gunna have to prepare myself to me and him not working no matter how much I wish it would.

 

So you're just going to give up? I don't get why it's not an option to make an effort to fix the relationship. Ask him if there's anything you can do. Hopefully it's not too late. Also be more open to meeting his family. Have frank discussions about marriage and kids and the future.

 

One night he even brought up that if I surprisingly got pregnant

 

This is a little off-topic, but I'm getting the impression that if a surprise pregnancy happens, you two are not at all on the same page. This may be a non-issue now that he wants to stop having sex with you, but if that facet of your relationship ever resumes, you need to both be in agreement as far as any surprise babies. If you can't agree, do not have sex.

[ascendotum]

It doesn't seem like you're all that invested in the relationship - at least, not as much as he is (or was.) You won't meet his parents, you avoid the marriage issue, you're afraid of having kids. Notice that you didn't say you don't want kids, you said you're afraid of having them. There's a big difference.

 

What's all that about? Why are you so afraid and reserved in this relationship? Are you not really into it? How long do you think someone who wants a serious relationship, marriage, kids, should wait for you to come around?

 

You can't really fault him for taking a step back. He seems to be matching your level of commitment.

 

This is what I thought as well. Its not so clear cut now as per the initial post.

[StephNicky]

Either way, he is taking a big step out of your relationship. It almost doesn't matter whether it's for religious reasons or not. The end result is that he wants to move out and stop having sex with you.

 

 

 

It doesn't seem like you're all that invested in the relationship - at least, not as much as he is (or was.) You won't meet his parents, you avoid the marriage issue, you're afraid of having kids. Notice that you didn't say you don't want kids, you said you're afraid of having them. There's a big difference.

 

What's all that about? Why are you so afraid and reserved in this relationship? Are you not really into it? How long do you think someone who wants a serious relationship, marriage, kids, should wait for you to come around?

 

You can't really fault him for taking a step back. He seems to be matching your level of commitment.

 

 

 

So you're just going to give up? I don't get why it's not an option to make an effort to fix the relationship. Ask him if there's anything you can do. Hopefully it's not too late. Also be more open to meeting his family. Have frank discussions about marriage and kids and the future.

 

 

 

This is a little off-topic, but I'm getting the impression that if a surprise pregnancy happens, you two are not at all on the same page. This may be a non-issue now that he wants to stop having sex with you, but if that facet of your relationship ever resumes, you need to both be in agreement as far as any surprise babies. If you can't agree, do not have sex.

 

 

I'm afraid to have kids just due to the fear of children, it's not that I don't want them in the future, it's just the thought of carrying and raising children for me. I have had a really bad up bringing and I don't want what has happened to me to happen to any child (especially my children if I have them). And I am reserved due to a lot of failed relationships due to abuse and abandonment. It's an issue him and I have been working on and he is working with me to get over these issues.

 

And I agree with him to continue seeing each other since he is moving out in two days. I'm just afraid of the resentment and rejection of family friends and his church. I'm afraid that not having the same religious views and lifestyle as his family and friends will cause them to not accept me or our relationship. I really love this man, he is my entire world and losing him is something I can not fathom but I can't help but have the thought I will in the back of mind.

 

I've been thinking maybe I should attend his church sometimes to have a bigger understanding of his beliefs and ways. Compromise has to be made for us to work and if I have to compromise by going to church it does not seem like such a big deal to me. I'm not going to become a Mormon, I will remain atheist of course but I know he will appreciate the effort. I'm just scared of this change because it might change our relationship but if he will be happier without me as his girlfriend or future partner in life I will accept that. His happiness is what I cherish the most and if his happiness lies with a religious woman to be in his life then I will accept that and must move on with my life.

[crederer]

Well when I read the title of your thread I thought "nothing really wrong with that" then when you said he wants to move back home in order to be closer to God? Seriously? That's the weakest excuse I can think of. Guy is a coward. He wants to break up with you but is using God as a crutch to avoid it. He's a sissy.