Missing someone so much its hurting and interfering with life

[Mario79]

Greetings,

 

I have been reading threads, and found this forum after googling "i miss my ex so much it pains me", and I got here.

 

I have been coping with this loss for about 2 months, but we broke up 6 months ago.

 

We went out for 2 years, we met through a chat, I am very shy person and introverted. I had only had 1 relationship before this one and a couple of brief romances where we knew it wouldnt go past 2 weeks. So when I met her it was amazing, she was everything I was looking for, she was smart, dedicated, beatiful and funny.

 

She wanted marriage and kids and for us to start saving together, which I felt was scary and hadn't thought about it too much. Now after the break up I would really want.

 

After 4 months I tried reaching out and she responded and seemed happy cause she changed jobs, I was happy for her. Then I asked her something about finances since I was buying a car. She responded angry saying she doesn't give free advice. I came clean and told her I missed her and was willing to change, we talked on the phone, but then later told me it was a bad idea, I saw her in person a couple of times and it felt like there was hope. She then told me no, she was with someone, her best friend from work and that it was my fault they were together. She wanted the best for me and to please back off for good because she was planning on marrying this guy. Now I am not going into much detail but I really miss her. After this I have been getting anxiety attacks and been really depressed. Ive been sad. I really gave it my all. I wish I could forget her and live my life normally. It hurts so much to know she exists and that I was not able to keep her with me.

 

Ive reached out for help, I am trying to move on, but she is always there in the my mind and I know its in me to let her go. I just keep grasping at a hope she will come back. My biggest fear is that this is becoming an obsession.

[ponchsox]

Do your best and maintain NC. Check back on these boards often as they are both helpful and encouraging. When you are feeling down, go and do something positive for yourself. Eat your favorite food or dessert. Buy yourself something nice that you always wanted (pay cash of course, don't go crazy.) You will get better, my friend!

[Mario79]

I hope so. This has been draining, and still just has gone on for so long. Seeing people here struggle as well, does help knowing you are not alone, but you just wish still, you werent alone. Is it bad to hold on to hope that she might one day come back?

[mikejensen3355]

Yeah, it is bad to hold onto that hope dude. Acceptance that it's over and no-contact are the 2 absolute necessary steps to start getting the ball rolling on the healing process. I only feel a little bit better and I still have my bad days and my breakup was in July. It's going to hurt for a while but you can cut down on the time if you take the right steps. I didn't and it prolonged my pain so I'm trying to help others so they don't make the same mistakes.

 

And it is totally draining. The good news is it does get better, but it's going to take time and effort on your part. But know that it's not just a cliche. As bad as it feels, and I know it's the absolute worst feeling and pain in the world, it really does at least start to get better. I had zero hope for the first 2-3 months that I'd ever heal, and now I can at least see it in the distance. Survive each day and be active and meet new people and all that stuff, even if you're miserable doing it sometimes. You're stronger than you think!

[headinthecloud]

I'm sorry you're going through this but it will get better. It comes in waves - one day is good where you barely think of them at all, and then you'll have a bad day where you think of their good qualities and how much you miss them. The bad days will not be as many and good days will come more often.

 

Have a plan for the bad days. Get out of the house. Go for a walk, go to a coffee shop and read a book, join a gym. Take care of yourself first and foremost. And post on here whenever you're struggling. You are not alone. You have to love yourself though and know how wonderful you are. There are other girls out there, don't be afraid to put yourself back out there.

 

This too shall pass.

[Mario79]

Thanks guys. I have seeked counseling, I have done a lot of things, and just some weeks ago I wasnt eating or sleeping well for like month. Part of the problem is just how much I idolized her. I was put on a mirtazapine cause I wasnt sleeping or eating. I started making drawings of her. just to prove something to her, she accepted them and said they were "nice". But this **** is really interfering with work.

 

That pisses me off cause I cant place my life on hold and she is fine and dandy now. I wanted a life with her. I keep hearing this Jeff Buckley song, Lover, You shouldve come over. I just wish I could forget her and stop regretting.

[headinthecloud]

Thanks guys. I have seeked counseling, I have done a lot of things, and just some weeks ago I wasnt eating or sleeping well for like month. Part of the problem is just how much I idolized her. I was put on a mirtazapine cause I wasnt sleeping or eating. I started making drawings of her. just to prove something to her, she accepted them and said they were "nice". But this **** is really interfering with work.

 

That pisses me off cause I cant place my life on hold and she is fine and dandy now. I wanted a life with her. I keep hearing this Jeff Buckley song, Lover, You shouldve come over. I just wish I could forget her and stop regretting.

 

You have to start controlling your thinking. Whenever you think of her, stop it and force yourself to think of you - or your cat/dog/bird/whichever. The point is, stop thinking of her. No more drawings, no more sappy love songs, be strong minded. You have to take care of your body and your mind. Eat right. Take proper supplements to balance your diet. Exercise, exercise, and more exercise. Meet new people (meetup.com is great for this).

 

You can do it. I believe in you.

 

As Obi Wan told Darth Vader, "Be mindful of your thoughts, Anakin."

[Mario79]

Starting to hit the gym again. I get what you are saying. Believe I do. I wish I could focus more and drive my thoughts only on productivity, I do software support and that has kept me busy. But there are so many reminders. I got rid of all her messages, photos, whatsapp conversations, but we did so many things together. I am trying though, I still have a life to live.

[NeverBAWuss]

Something that worked for me: I took so many pictures of her, that some were not flattering. Some were quite ugly (bad angles, her stuffing herself with food etc.) Whenever I miss her lovely face, I look at those unsightly pics. Makes it easier to get over her.

[Mario79]

I didnt take that many pictures, and the ones I have she looks amazing, she always did. Today I woke up thinking of her. I wanted to contact her. I wanted to know how she was doing. I miss her. Time just keeps going though. Im 34 and I wish I could meet someone that is just much better than her. I went out with someone and I thought about her.

[stormtrooper121]

I didnt take that many pictures, and the ones I have she looks amazing, she always did. Today I woke up thinking of her. I wanted to contact her. I wanted to know how she was doing. I miss her. Time just keeps going though. Im 34 and I wish I could meet someone that is just much better than her. I went out with someone and I thought about her.

mario its so true . feels like déjà vu. I go out with some female to forget her for sometime , and I end up thinking about her all the more . I wonder if things will get normal

again for me too

[Mario79]

I can only hope. It feels weird for me to offer advice and support on something I am still feeling. Like you I sometimes check whatsapp to see if she changed something. Yesterday I checked facebook and the temptation of curiosity beat me. One of the things I was willing to do, after careful consideration mind anyone that reads this, I bought and engagement ring online, like at the end of August along with a little box of her favorite color, purple, and was planning on showing her how serious I was, how I was all in. The ring got delayed and today I got it. The only thing that helps me from not bouncing off the walls is that I am at work. Some days are just harder than others. I get so desperate.

[sad_bubble]

Hey, head up little soldier,

 

Many people have been in the same shoes as you are. Time and mindset - the combination of these could heal anything. I broke up with my boyfriend after 2 years being together. We lived together, he bought a car to commute from my town and we planned life together (marriage, children). and one day it unexpectectadly crashed. It has been two weeks since the break up. first week was death, could not sleep, eat, smoked a lot, second week (this week) is getting better and better. although I lost 10kg due to stress and I still sometime feel a bit unwilling to look at the bright side. but hey, during this time you have to force it to happen. the mindset stops you from healing, time is on your side. change the mindset.

 

I am doing a bungee jump this weekend, and then going to a date, with a person, whom I am starting to like. I think I like him, as I look forward to his texts and not my exes.

 

Head up. I know it hurts to leave someone, especially if you had dreams related to that person. It burned my heart as well. But believe me, you're person is somewhere out there, looking for you until then enjoy your life x

Edited October 24, 2013 by sad_bubble

[Mario79]

I guess it affects people differently. For all youve said, I dont think 2 weeks would be enough, how how how how how how? and thank you for the sentiment.

[sad_bubble]

I was with another person for 6 years. We were engaged and broke up. It took me 6 months then to get over.

 

When it is hard I always remember my grandfather's words:

 

A little story:

When my grandfather cut off his finger, and it was all blood and huge pain, while trying to find help, he repeated to himself that - it does not hurt. it does not hurt. it does not hurt. and so on many times. until it actually stopped hurting - in a way that he didn't believe it anymore.

 

Then my grandfather told me: it is all in the mind. Only you can have control over yourself. Just convince your mind with any ideas that make you happy/calm/cheerful.

 

This helps me to keep going and attempt to build my happiness regardless how much it hurts sometimes. I actually think, that there should be pain, otherwise, you would not understand how great it is to be happy.

[Mario79]

Im glad to hear you were able to get back up. From going through it twice. Its good advice.

[Mario79]

I have problems. Its been 1 month since she told me never to talk to her again. I still check on whatsapp if she logged on, knowing full well she will. I saw her facebook these last days. I feel I carry an obsession instead of love.

 

Since she cut all lines of communication with me I feel desperate at times. I dont know what to do and makes me very desperate.

 

At nights I cant sleep, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and she is the first thought I have. Wishing I could call her. Or say something.

 

I went out on a date the other night and all I could feel was this feeling that I just rather be home. I wanted to drive over to her house and remember waiting for her to come out.

 

I want to recover. I want to be how I once was. I planned on offering her marriage and had bought the ring late August online and due to some delays it arrived yesterday. That killed me.

 

It sounds so cliche but I had never felt something so strong for someone. She came to my life and made so many changes. I am moving forward but it feels like im crawling instead of walking.

 

I see you guys get better, improve yourselves. I want out of this hurt so much. Someone tell me please it will be alright.

[JDPT]

As they say, you are a long way from Starbucks buddy. The best has yet to come. You need to continue to prepare yourself and be strong for the emotional rollercoaster that you will experience or perhaps already experiencing. Reroute your thoughts, keep busy, exercise, eat healthy. Your recovery is up to no one but YOU. You need to put in all the work in order to heal. Take charge of your life.

[Chi townD]

First thing you definitely need to do is block her on Facebook and delete her from ALL social networks. This is still a form of contact, therefore, you really haven't started healing properly yet.

 

You have to cut her completely out of your life

[Mario79]

I was cut off from her facebook a long time ago, and whatsapp I delete her then re add her.

 

I am working out, and trying to push her out. But when I am lifting or running on the treadmill some random thought of her will enter my mind and kill my focus. I wish someone would hit me with a bat over the head and get amnesia.

 

Everyone around me is tired of hearing me moan. But I just get so irrational, so unlogical when my mind goes to that place where she is waiting for me. If I ever meet someone else will she be there in the back of my mind? I am fearful of that.

[mikejensen3355]

To be honest dude...1 month is nothing. I got dumped in July and it's only gotten a little better, even with doing all the right things like working out and eating healthy and meeting new people. That little better has given me hope though.

 

And I'm not saying that to scare you man. But really to tell you that no, you're not going crazy. Most of us I'd say have had those obsessive thoughts and we wonder if we'll ever make it out of this or if the person will just always be front and center in our heads forever. But we will.

 

Accept that it's going to hurt for a while dude. There's nothing you can do about that, there's no way around it. But the choice you do have is to keep doing the right things, even if they feel miserable. I went on a date about a month after too and it felt horrible. You're probably just not ready for that. Even things like making new friends will feel like garbage for a while but it does get better. It's all part of the process and you have to do the things you won't really want to.

 

Just survive each day. Do the best you can every day in whatever you're doing and try to stay busy and fill up your time. The pain and anxiety and doubting you'll ever make it is normal though, it's not just you, you're not going crazy. It's just part of this whole stupid thing.

[Mario79]

Thanks Mike. Its just so strange to run into this wall. This is my first time here. Just so upsetting. Specially waking up at night to thoughts of her. And its all in my head. Surviving each day is what I am doing.

 

It also pisses me off that it feels that my suffering is a twisted way to feel love for her. Makes me sad

Edited October 25, 2013 by Mario79

[mikejensen3355]

I hear ya. It's my first time and I never thought this would happen to me. There were times when I really thought I was losing my mind. My life has been derailed for months because of her and I'm only now starting to get it back on track. I just hope people are right that one day we will be completely healed and that we'll come out stronger on the other end.

[ponchsox]

I was dumped a month ago and know what you are feeling. Feeling sad, betrayed, angry, and curious are all normal feelings. You have to be careful,that you don't let those feelings snowball into an obsessive state that makes you think irrationally. I had to get really pissed off to the point where I never wanted to talk to her again because of what she put me through.

 

Time is the ultimate healer. Each day you should feel a little better. I'm to the point now that I can give a flying **** about her. Good riddance. There are people out the without problems that will actually want to be with me.

[Mario79]

I really hope I do. Time will not stop thats for sure. And I also believed it to be that way. But I know I can say these things now. And at some point it I will just start feeling bad again. But I do wish to not feel like this over her.