Dinozzo925 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I'll try to make this as short as I can... So about two years ago I entered College as a freshman. I was still dating my high-school sweet-heart, but I was never crazy about her and the distance made things really strained and we both knew it. While I was at college I hooked up with a couple people, but things never got beyond a one night stand. Then one night a girl named Casey jumped me and from there on we started seeing each other about every night. It was weird, because she had been taken out to dinner and gone out on a couple of dates with an upperclassmen and I was still keeping in contact with this girl from highschool. Then one night Casey kissed me in front of our group of friends, so I told my ex that I was seeing someone new and we moved forward. Our first big fight came about two months in. She had been hanging out with another upperclassman alot. He picked her up from work a couple of times and she even postponed a date we had to talk to him about his current failing relationship. I felt something was off so one night I checked her phone and found a bunch of flirty texts from him. I confronted her about them and she told me that she had kissed him at the beginning of the year even though he had a girlfriend, but that they stopped right after. She said she hadn't told me because she didn't want to ruin this guys relationship with his current girlfriend. I was furious, and I was all set to break up with her. But she fought hard and I gave in. Still, I told her then that from the qualities I saw in her...if she didn't change she would end up cheating on me, not telling me, and I would catch her. The next six months were great, we barely fought and moved in together. Then towards the end of my freshman year we started fighting more. Almost all our fights would be about trust. I would get angry because she would lie to me and I would constantly catch her, she would get upset because I wouldn't trust her enough (which is why I would keep catching her lying). Sophmore year our fights got alot worse. Our relationship was still great and we were good at actively having adventures together and being comfortable with one another, but she got a new friend who she would go out to bars with a lot and she lied to me about going to a ball at an all boys school (when I caught her she came back). During this time my best friend moved into the dorm next to ours, so we would both hang out with him a lot when we were together. We, in a weird and awkward way, got engaged. This summer I prepared to move off campus with my friend (Casey was going to keep a room on campus but stay with me most nights) but the old tenants in the house we chose wouldn't move out until August. So I arranged for my friend, Casey, another upper classmen, and Casey's best girlfriend to live in a house a couple blocks away while I lived thirty minutes away working on my company. You know where this is going... One night Casey got me arrested, I don't want to get too far into details but basically it was her stuff (she was wearing a dress with no pockets) and she was the reason we got stopped. I beat the charge, but I didn't know that until August. Things got a little tenser between us, but I got Casey to agree (with some teeth pulling) to help me out with half the legal costs since my money was held up in the company I was starting that summer. It was sometime around here when Casey got really drunk one night and slept with my bestfriend/roommate. According to both of them it only happened once, they were both very drunk, etc. The next morning when Casey woke up (she had gone back to her room) she ran into his room and made him promise to keep what happened a secret, that she made a mistake and wanted to get married, etc. . My best friend had gotten drunk one night and told our group of friends though, and one of them told me in August just after we had moved in. At first Casey and my roommate denied it, but then my roommate told me the truth after I threatened him. He said he couldn't tell me because he knew she loved me and didn't want to ruin our engagement. I kicked him out of the house and burned all his journals, books, original poetry and records. Casey had been out of town and when I told her I knew she shrieked and...according to her mother...ran into the lake behind their house. Casey was out of town then and her parents wouldn't drive her back to our town and Casey wouldn't drive herself. The next day her mother took her to registration and out to get school supplies, so she didn't show up to my house until late. When I saw her I broke down and let her spend the night. We spent the next three days together. I had a couple of breakdowns and so did Casey. I caught her one night banging her head against the wall of my bathroom but got her to stop by telling her I would do to myself whatever she did to herself. Eventually we got to a place where we could both sleep and eat. We continued to sleep together (which was, surprisingly, ridiculously good) but eventually I got into a fit and threw all her **** out of my house. We reconciled but I made it clear that I was single. Casey tried to win me back by ordering food to my house, writing a public love message/apology infront of the building where I had classes and her dorm and still hanging out with me. It didn't work though, I was too angry and my ego/pride was too bruised. I wasn't proud of her anymore, and I wouldn't be proud of myself if I went back to someone who treated me so ****ty. It was around then that I met Z. Z was incredibly sharp, gorgeous and honest. When we met I told her about what I was going through but she still pursued me. One night she kissed me and asked me to take her out...so I did. My ex found out and lit up my phone with nasty messages after which I got a restraining order from the school...after which she straight up attacked me with her fists and then crumpled to the floor asking me to come back. I refused. I started seeing Z casually and saw Casey on two nights. One was just out of the blue a week after she attacked me, the other was two weeks later when Z had gone to a party and some other guy kissed her neck. She told me what happened right away the next morning and said that after that happened she realized she was too drunk to be in public and left to go to bed. I was upset but, looking back, it was as innocent as an accident like that could get and she handled the situation perfectly. As I spent more time with Z I could just see how much more stable and selfless she was. She also doesn't lie to me, which is a big change. There's no doubt in my mind that she is a higher class of girl and better for me. Then one day my ex got upset and contacted me. Long story short we traded some conversation where she got very emotional (I miss you, I can't forgive myself, etc) and that night when I got drunk at a party I asked her if she would like to have a cigarette to see me off for a trip I was taking out of town. she declined saying she was "having fun" and that we needed space from each other. I told her that was ok, but that I was done. Z saw me walking home inebriated and offered to come with me. My ex changed her mind at 5 am and came into my house to surprise me, saw Z and ran out. I caught up with her in her room, offered (as I had before) to stop taking time apart and go to counseling, AA, NA, etc. She (as she had before) said no, that we needed time apart and that if I was so needy I couldn't spend some time alone then that I wasn't for her. She also started saying that now she was going to get a date herself, at which point I agreed she should and left. After this I tried to end things with Z, but she was adamant that we make an actual effort and I finally agreed. Later Casey's RA took me out for a drink and told me Casey had propositioned her friend while they were talking. She said that after I told Casey I was done she had a breakdown on our school field and kept trying to get her RA and her RA's guy friend into her room to get stoned. Casey denied it, saying she just needed support and wasn't trying to sleep with the guy...but Casey said it, and she has more than a habit of lying to me at this point. This really gave me alot of energy, making me feel less guilty (I had thought maybe I had caused Casey to cheat somehow, or something ****ed up like that) and more determined not start seeing her again. Since then things have been good. Z treats me really well and never lets me down and Casey stays away except for the occasional message. We see each other at parties but we don't talk, and Casey usually leaves if she sees Z around me. I just can't stop get completely past Casey though and it's getting in the way of this new relationship. I hesitate once in a while with Z because there's some small part of me that hasn't let go of Casey. I don't know why, since objectively I can see that Casey makes a really distasteful partner and that Z is an absolute catch. It's been two and a half months and the betrayal still constantly haunts me. I know I made the "right" choice, but I can't fully appreciate Z because I'm still going through the break up process. It especially sucks whenever Casey contacts me or I see her, like a wrecking ball to my progress. I really just want to back to the place I was this summer before I knew...no matter what. TLDR My fiancee cheated on me with my best friend/roommate 2 and a half months ago and lied about it, I don't want to get back with her but I can't get past her (even though I have a fantastic new girlfriend).
Assasda Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I couldnt read all of it. COuld you summerize. From what I read, youre a Jealous Father-figure, to her. And she is bound to leave you. She doesnt respect you, and you'll always get lied to if you keep being jealous
Author Dinozzo925 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 There's a summary after TLDR at the bottom. I agree I was jealous, but I'm not in other relationships. I think that she kept lying, and I could see it, so I didn't trust her...so I got jealous.
Zahara Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 (edited) I feel sorry for Z. Here she believes she is in an emotionally committed relationship with you but little does she know half of you is still with Casey. Why aren't you ceasing all contact with Casey? Why do you believe it's fair to Z that you still receive contact from Casey? Isn't that selfish on your part? The only way you will be able to focus on Z and appreciate everything that she has to give is for you to eliminate Casey from your life. She is a distraction. If you can't do that, let Z go, let her find someone that can be there for her -- 100% emotionally and mentally. Heal, and then start to date when you are open to letting someone into your life, whole heartedly. Edited October 24, 2013 by Zahara
Author Dinozzo925 Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 I have ceased all response. But she uses mail/text messaging so I still see messages. but you are right...it's selfish...and if this doesn't go away I'm going to have to break it off with Z and be single for a while until this is out of my system. I'm just hoping in the next month it doesn't come to that.
Zahara Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I have ceased all response. But she uses mail/text messaging so I still see messages. but you are right...it's selfish...and if this doesn't go away I'm going to have to break it off with Z and be single for a while until this is out of my system. I'm just hoping in the next month it doesn't come to that. You can block her email. You can block text messages. That's not an excuse. Do the right thing.
aybc123 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 (edited) I wouldnt break up with Z to be honest, just cut casey out of your life and eventually the feelings for her will fade and you can make a go of it with Z. If you break up with Z now chances are you're just going to end up with casey again and regret it down the line when she cheats on you again (which she will). Maybe eventually casey will be mature enough to not do stupid ****, maybe, but it wont be for a while and it wont be with you. It's a shame because it sounds like she really loved you, and to be honest im not sure it's the cheating that was the deal breaker here, people do get drunk and make horrendous mistakes, especially if they're emotionally immature, it's more the lying that is the deal breaker. Ill fess up here and say that when i was younger I have cheated on a girlfriend before by kissing another girl when horrendously drunk. At the time the relationship was failing and we'd talked about breaking up but that's no excuse. After the fact I felt so awfully guilty that I couldn't even look her in the eye let alone kiss her and never in a million years could i have stayed in a relationship with her without telling her. The fact that this girl can sleep with people behind your back is one thing, that she can do it whilst being in love with you with no relationship problems is another but the fact that she can so easily lie to your face about it / hide it from you and live with herself is on another completely different level. Edited October 25, 2013 by aybc123
Author Dinozzo925 Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Last night Z, an out of town friend and I went out to a bar with a large group of friends. It was nice and we had alot of fun. Afterwords, there was an off campus party (hosted by upperclassman) and we decided to go. When we got there Z saw my ex, got nervous, and left with her friends. Jerry and I stayed at the party and I caught him up on what happened. He said he felt uncomfortable too whenever my ex walked past us. Then when we went to leave so did she...with another guy. I made a point to laugh and continue the conversation (I was still catching him up on the past couple months, I'm sure she heard) but it still stings. I guess it was good that I saw her try to move on too (and it's not with one of my friends), but I know that the combination of seeing her with another guy and dealing with the after effects (I always get depressed the day after drinking) is going to set me back a little bit. Aybc, I think you're completely spot on. When she first told me what happened it sounded like a child's mistake, and she was always pretty young/immature. But she didn't tell me and let me loan this guy money and walk into a fight on her behalf. Then, instead of wanting to face these issues head on she wanted to either sweep it under the rug or (after I started seeing other people) to be separated for some time but for both of us to still save ourselves for each other(?). She still won't tell me the day it happened (says she forgot)...wouldn't come walk me home from the earlier party, but then has a breakdown, tries to sleep with someone else and when that won't work comes into my house and yells at me for being "too dependent" because I'm sleeping with someone else... If she had just told me what happened the day after I probably would have taken care of the situation and taken her back. The way she dealt with it was understandable (who wants to tell something like that to the man they want to marry?) but really weak and disrespectful. I had thought at one time that I wouldn't want a little stupid mistake to ruin a whole marriage arrangement...but the main issue is that I just wouldn't be proud of her anymore...and I wouldn't be proud of myself for being with her. It seems like, in a way, we both desperately didn't want the relationship to end but I forced it to end because of my pride/rational. Makes it hard not to second guess my decision at times...isn't that not the point of "love"?
Gabs2c Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 From what I read, you're still hooked on your ex-fiance and it's not right for Z. As a girl I don't want to be with a man who is still emotionally connected to his ex. Z deserves 110% of you, especially if she is good to you. Don't ruin her because of what Casey did to you. It is too soon to engage in a relationship with anybody because you aren't allowing yourself time to heal. It takes time and you'll know when you're ready to move on with somebody else. i myselft as you recall my post and going through a very hard emotinal time, but the last thing on my mind is another relationship. I am not well emotinally and nobody deserves me this way. I'll tell you from previous expereince that when you try to forget somebody with another person, it usually fails. I had a great guy before my now ex, and I ruined that possible relationship because I was still hooked on an ex. Try to be at peace with yourself until you're ready to give your best to somebody else. God bless and hope you feel better about all this.
Dumbkit Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Wow, it looks like Casey did a number on you. You really shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with someone new while still healing (i get it, you need your confidence back after being cheated on but that's what bars and one night stands are for). That said, I have a feeling aybc is right, if you hadn't gotten into a new relationship you would probably still be with Casey...and she sounds like a pretty horrible partner. It sounds like she has dependency and maturity issues to work out. She definitely seems to love you, but it's selfish love. The way she is now...if you were to be together she would just keep lying to you and down the line she would betray your trust again. You know all this. That's why you made the decision to leave. You've given her second and third chances and she keeps showing you that what she cares about is herself...not you. Be slow and cautious with Z, don't break up with her but don't let either of you get too invested. You and your ex still seem to be going through this, even if you think you're moving forward.
Author Dinozzo925 Posted October 26, 2013 Author Posted October 26, 2013 I appreciate the thoughts. I don't think I'm going to end things with Z. She's pretty invested and that would hurt both of us. She seems really happy with me, and things are going well. I'm moving in the right direction, and Z knows what I've been through and where I'm at. When we first met I told her I wasn't ready to date and explained what had happened to me. She doesn't seem to care, if I was her I would, but she doesn't. Also she is really the number one reason I keep NC. By relapsing now I have way more to lose than if I relapsed single.
Author Dinozzo925 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 Wow, a whole month ok. She accuses me of having an affair while we were together, we get into an argument over text, she says we should do this in person. We meet, fight for a bit then just admit that we're both miserable. She says she is still scared of me for what I did to her in September (moving on so quickly right in front of her) and now I'm back to ****ed up. It's like falling off the wagon.
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