albert093 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Hello LoveShack, I am recently out of a long relationship - 31 and I have not dated since 23, and that was in another country. Now I am in the US, clueless, and need your advice on the local dating etiquette. Online, I have met four interesting women who I seem to "click" with, talked a lot, set up coffee dates. Besides which, there is someone in my school cohort who I will take out on a second date soon. When it rains, it pours: I am excited to meet and spend time with so many interesting people. However, I am concerned about breaking the rules - I don't want to create the impression I am playing anyone. I just want to take it slow and see how I respond to different people before I commit to another relationship (especially after having been in my past one for such a long time). I suppose the question is, when does it become incumbent on me to be "exclusive" with anyone, or to discuss the topic of exclusivity? If we get along, and kiss at the end of a date, surely that alone is not a promise. Is sex a promise? I'm concerned that if someone makes an advance on me and I turn them down, or even if I fail to make an advance after a few dates (as a guy). Along these lines, would it be wrong to have sex with more than one women I am seeing on a semi-regular basis? At what point do I have to make up my mind and pick one person to be with?? Sincerely, Clueless Al
Mrlonelyone Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Exclusivity is something one has to discuss with their partner. It is a mutual step, like moving in, or getting married. There is no set time. Some people think that after x number of dates it's automatic and they assume. Then when they find that they are not exclusive, they get their feelings hurt.
Assasda Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Asking, this question, is like its coming from a 16 year old 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I suppose the question is, when does it become incumbent on me to be "exclusive" with anyone, or to discuss the topic of exclusivity? If we get along, and kiss at the end of a date, surely that alone is not a promise. Is sex a promise? I'm concerned that if someone makes an advance on me and I turn them down, or even if I fail to make an advance after a few dates (as a guy). Along these lines, would it be wrong to have sex with more than one women I am seeing on a semi-regular basis? At what point do I have to make up my mind and pick one person to be with?? Sincerely, Clueless Al the order of relationships here in the USA: 1. first meet, flirting 2. casual dating 2.5 exclusivity talk 3. exclusive dating 4. relationship boyfriend/girlfrien 5. long term relationship---you start to think about moving in together. this usually builds from from staying over some nights, keeping a drawer of your stuff. 6. engagement 7.marriage For some they will not live together until marriage or live together until engagement. The expectation by many women is that you only have sex when you are exclusive. You having sex with more than one of these women and then you choose one and they find out you had sex with another women after having sex with her--you are basically going to be dead to her. It isnt just the issue of faithfulness to the relationship, but also the reality of risk in sex and STDs. there are some who dont believe in multidating which is what you are doing. Much more with women. They usually have more lieniancy where you have 4 different first dates with different women then decide who to date. It is very risky to say to someone you are dating other people because they could be offended. When you are casually dating someone its fine to kiss them, hold hands, hug, etc. You have to come into this with an idea of wht you want in a woman to date and then basically score them from these and rank order them and persue the one on the top of the list. Here is the catch---the best one for dating and the most fun for dating may not be the best one if you are looking for something more in terms of long term relationship or marriage. To decide this you really should have a list going in of absolute musts that are just non negotiable like on topics such as religious views, wanting or raising kids, plan on living your life, etc.
crederer Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Just be honest with your intentions. If either one of you decides they'd like to be exclusive, they have to discuss it with the other person.
Mascara Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Along these lines, would it be wrong to have sex with more than one women I am seeing on a semi-regular basis? Yes yes yes I don't care about the nuances of "multi dating" - this is just totally wrong on every level. Date more than one if you must, but if you're going to bump uglies.... you MUST tell them.
Leigh 87 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 (edited) When you like someone enough, they are the person you tend to think about. All the men I know, once they met a girl they fell for, they all told me the same thing: that girl was on their mind from day one. The guy I felt the most intense chemistry and connection with, told me after date one that he wanted to only focus on me, since he didn't really have any will to want to see or talk to others since meeting me. He wasn't desperate. He wasn't a stage 5 clinger, either. We both seemed to feel really strongly about each other from just chatting on the phone and exchanging pictures. When we met, it reiterated that we had something we both wanted to explore, before we could even fathom others. All the guys that I know who are really into their girlfriends or wives, all knew right away that they wanted to only focus on the ONE girl. They just didn't see reason to explore other options, when all they could think about was this one girl. ..................... Multi dating is when you are not all that into ANY of the people you are multi dating. I guess, what I am getting at, is the immediate spark and connection. The "feeling" you get about a person when you first meet, and, in the case of online dating; the feeling you get from talking to them and THEN meeting them for the first time. Some people don't fall for people upon first site. Personally, I need a guy who cannot get me off of his mind from day one; I don't want to meet a guy who meets me, thinks I am cool, yet thinks " hmm, Leigh 87 is really lovely, but I am not sure if there is a better option out there" The question is: option one: do you want to meet a girl where you think " hmm, she's awesome, but I want to see if there are better options for me" OR option 2: " hmm, I met this girl and now I cannot stop thinking about her. I like her so much that I cannot really fathom dating others, since I will only be thinking about her anyway" ............................. Edited October 24, 2013 by Leigh 87 1
Author albert093 Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Thanks for spelling this out for me. It may seem obvious, but the rituals are very different in different places. So then, it seems like I will not offend anyone so long as there is no sex, so long as it has been less than, say, 3 dates, and so long as I'm not talking about other women. And that if they ask, I should be forthcoming and explain that yes, I am recently out of a long relationship and want to get to know a few different people before going exclusive with anyone. And if they initiate any sexual advances but I'm not ready to decide, I should just explain that well, I like the idea, but you need to know I'm not ready to go exclusive.
Author albert093 Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Leigh, thanks for that perspective. I hope you are right and that it is simply obvious and mutual :-)
Phantom888 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I hate rules. I hate "normal" etiquette in dating. However, I believe in complete honesty and feelings. I was married very young for 12 long years, so when I started dating again in my mid-30s, it was scary. But I never followed any rules. If I felt the chemistry, I focus on one girl only. I never sleep with more than 1 woman at a time. I fell in love with my S.O. the moment I saw her, and I said "I love you" on our 2nd date. We are in a committed relationship right now and couldn't be happier. My point is: You make your own rules. If the woman doesn't follow, then she's not for you. You don't want women who are not on the same page as you. The exclusivity should come naturally. I don't even think it's necessary to discuss, but you can just to make sure. When it feels right, you are exclusive. That's it.
Divasu Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 How do you expect to understand one another if you don't communicate your wants/needs? You don't have to say "will you be my girlfriend/boyfriend" write "yes or no", but, talk, so you both have a better understanding of one another. And if you're afraid of looking like a "16 year old", maybe you're just not ready to handle an adult relationship.
CupidMissed Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 the order of relationships here in the USA: 1. first meet, flirting 2. casual dating 2.5 exclusivity talk 3. exclusive dating 4. relationship boyfriend/girlfrien huh? I always thought that after agreeing to be exclusive it meant to you were then a "couple" and boyfriend/girlfriend... did I miss the memo on that one?
Amelie1980 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Thanks for spelling this out for me. It may seem obvious, but the rituals are very different in different places. So then, it seems like I will not offend anyone so long as there is no sex, so long as it has been less than, say, 3 dates, and so long as I'm not talking about other women. And that if they ask, I should be forthcoming and explain that yes, I am recently out of a long relationship and want to get to know a few different people before going exclusive with anyone. And if they initiate any sexual advances but I'm not ready to decide, I should just explain that well, I like the idea, but you need to know I'm not ready to go exclusive. Just stay single until you're ready. I doubt women would like being told you are an option among many.
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