ThomasJW Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Hey all, long story short I was in a relationship with a girl for around 7 months, I was her first real love as her last two boyfriends treated her pretty badly in their time together. (Her first boyfriend raped her, then her second boyfriend started pushing her around making her feel like crap, this was all in about 4 months) With her backstory out the way, here's my current situation: We broke up about a month ago as she says she needs time to step back and re-invent herself which I don't mind, however I'm getting mixed messages altogether. We don't speak as much now but we do speak every so often, sometimes about a day for like a hour until she suddenly stops replying and goes without notice, which I don't really mind as I know she requested time but It does bug me from time to time. As everything stands there's not really any word if she wants to get back together soon, (Her parents requested I don't see her for about a year, a few months have passed since then and they said they'll let her see me again in June next year.) but I can't stop thinking over things, things that I may could have done better etc or just how to attract her back over time to want another shot. I've also seen over time on Facebook she likes these 'teen' page photos of things like relationships and so forth, there's been a extraordinary amount of pictures she had liked about missing someone, presumably me I would think. Over the past few months things have gone worse for her since I have not seen her as well, (The last I saw her was June 13 2013) in the sense that first the Police are asking her to push charges on her Ex (the one that raped her, I'm glad she managed to tell the police), second that she has depression/ anxiety problems and third now an eating disorder, all of which I help her with all the time i can, I'm giving her the time she asked for so I don't really start a conversation with her anymore. (Which I heard will help with her current situation get the courage to start a conversation and not worry that I suddenly hate her or something) Bottom line: What must I do? Is there a chance of getting back together? What's with the sudden no reply mid-conversation? How can I ensure things keep stable for the next 7-9 months without being able to see her? How can I at least help her now? I feel like I'm stuck in a hole with all this, I'm worried if say she meets another lad and is taken so much by him he ends up hurting her worse than her first two boyfriends long-term, but I guess time will tell. Any help is appreciated.
ColdAlone Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 If she was truly raped, I don't think she ill be taken much by anyone. Either way I wouldn't worry about it. What you can do is be there for her, whenever she calls upon you. Don't push, don't 'need'. And be at your best. You can't ensure anything. It's all up to her. 1
todreaminblue Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 (edited) when you have been assaulted a sefl preservation thing kicks in often with men.....what the other poster said was right.....she wont be taken...she will be cautious and if she loves you she will want to be with you not some other guy... I don't really start a conversation with her anymore. (Which I heard will help with her current situation get the courage to start a conversation and not worry that I suddenly hate her or something) this what you wrote i have no understanding on how this will possibly work helping her with her situation...do you mean by exposing fears....dangerous game.........ask someone with issues to build courage when they are struggling with eating disorders depression and anxiety.they need to treat the problems they have...not face more.....did a shrink tell you this....... what my shrinks used to tell me...seen a few...is to surround myself with loving supportive people who dont play with my emotions or expect anything of me....to me sounds liek an expectation of her contacting you because that iswhat she needs to do....she only needs to get better and does not need to build courage to converse with you.. i have been told to let people go who make me feel insecure on many occasions........i suffer from many mental health issues...my courage is needed to get through illness not talk to others or worry about how they perceive me........ ......what you were suggested in my opinion, is not benefitting her and from what i have been told by professionals.....goes against issues of depression and anxiety...facing fears i ssoemthing handled in aprofessional manner with years fo therapy.......you can face your issues and insecurities in group situations with a qualified therapist....you dont have strategies enforced by friends.....friends just need to be there when you come back.......and friends who are true always let you know they are there ......then they give you space..........deb Edited October 23, 2013 by todreaminblue
toolforgrowth Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 On the flip side, you don't want to be a doormat or an emotional tampon. While what happened to her is horrible and I hope she gets help, recovers, and seeks justice, in the end you two are no longer together because of her. I don't see how it's your responsibility to be her support when she's the one who dumped you. Another way of looking at it: how would she react if you just quit talking to her mid conversation like she does with you? Do you think she would react negatively? If so, do you think it would be justified? The fact that she only seems to come to you when she needs support and then just drops you when she's had her fill is what really stood out to me. The liking pages about relationships and missing someone screams breadcrumbs to me. If she wanted your support, I don't think she would have dumped you. People who love you don't push you away when they need you the most. From the outside looking in, she seems to have far too much control over the situation and you seem to be allowing it to happen. If it were me, I would gently extricate myself from the situation by saying "I am going to take this opportunity to work on myself too and see what else is out there. I wish you the best of luck." And then I would go NC. Again, the fact that she just drops you when she's gotten her support or ego boost or whatever is what concerns me. That screams out that she is taking advantage of you, or at least is taking you for granted. In any case, she is an adult. She can take care of herself. She ended the relationship and seems to be using you. Needing space to "re-invent oneself" is a two way street and I would take this opportunity to focus on you instead of her. It's easy to lose yourself in a relationship. Be cautious and don't live just for her sake.
Assasda Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I think you were smothering her like white on rice. She couldnt breathe, she left you. Move on and date other girls
Author ThomasJW Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 On the flip side, you don't want to be a doormat or an emotional tampon. While what happened to her is horrible and I hope she gets help, recovers, and seeks justice, in the end you two are no longer together because of her. I don't see how it's your responsibility to be her support when she's the one who dumped you. Another way of looking at it: how would she react if you just quit talking to her mid conversation like she does with you? Do you think she would react negatively? If so, do you think it would be justified? The fact that she only seems to come to you when she needs support and then just drops you when she's had her fill is what really stood out to me. The liking pages about relationships and missing someone screams breadcrumbs to me. If she wanted your support, I don't think she would have dumped you. People who love you don't push you away when they need you the most. From the outside looking in, she seems to have far too much control over the situation and you seem to be allowing it to happen. If it were me, I would gently extricate myself from the situation by saying "I am going to take this opportunity to work on myself too and see what else is out there. I wish you the best of luck." And then I would go NC. Again, the fact that she just drops you when she's gotten her support or ego boost or whatever is what concerns me. That screams out that she is taking advantage of you, or at least is taking you for granted. In any case, she is an adult. She can take care of herself. She ended the relationship and seems to be using you. Needing space to "re-invent oneself" is a two way street and I would take this opportunity to focus on you instead of her. It's easy to lose yourself in a relationship. Be cautious and don't live just for her sake. You do bring up some interesting points bud, many thanks for the reply. With things are as they stand I've been there for her for the last 10 months but I do have to admit I don't really need to be her support even after dumping me, about 2 weeks ago I said to her that I'll leave her be for the time being then come back to see how things were, after 3 days she contacted me which I didn't really expect. Agreed. The pages and the tweets don't really amount to much in long term retrospect, like as you said If she did want my support she'd want me to be there and help her instead of wanting to talk for an amount of time then dropping me, but I'll take it as nothing for the time being. I'll try to do my best bud, right now I'll just back away and focus on myself for the time being. Take care. Tom
Author ThomasJW Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 when you have been assaulted a sefl preservation thing kicks in often with men.....what the other poster said was right.....she wont be taken...she will be cautious and if she loves you she will want to be with you not some other guy... this what you wrote i have no understanding on how this will possibly work helping her with her situation...do you mean by exposing fears....dangerous game.........ask someone with issues to build courage when they are struggling with eating disorders depression and anxiety.they need to treat the problems they have...not face more.....did a shrink tell you this....... what my shrinks used to tell me...seen a few...is to surround myself with loving supportive people who dont play with my emotions or expect anything of me....to me sounds liek an expectation of her contacting you because that iswhat she needs to do....she only needs to get better and does not need to build courage to converse with you.. i have been told to let people go who make me feel insecure on many occasions........i suffer from many mental health issues...my courage is needed to get through illness not talk to others or worry about how they perceive me........ ......what you were suggested in my opinion, is not benefitting her and from what i have been told by professionals.....goes against issues of depression and anxiety...facing fears i ssoemthing handled in aprofessional manner with years fo therapy.......you can face your issues and insecurities in group situations with a qualified therapist....you dont have strategies enforced by friends.....friends just need to be there when you come back.......and friends who are true always let you know they are there ......then they give you space..........deb You do bring up some valid points Deb, from now I'll just try a little more to reassure her on some days, I won't try everyday as some days she'll have real high depression shots that drag whatever conversation we're having to a halt, It's been a month since the breakup and I'm leaning myself to understand things from her perspective more, but I understand I have to take things slow at least for now with her. Take care. Tom
Author ThomasJW Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 I think you were smothering her like white on rice. She couldnt breathe, she left you. Move on and date other girls fortunately I made sure I didn't smother her throughout the relationship, I kept my space and made sure nomater rain or shine that I was always doing the right thing, she always told me when I was doing the right or wrong thing.
Author ThomasJW Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 (edited) *Quick Update* A few hours ago I had a word with her about what's been going on etc for a little catchup, she said the reason why this week alone she's been off is because the police came back into contact with her to say that they cannot question her ex (The one that raped her, they asked her to press charges although she doesn't want to because she's scared of what could happen) as he's currently at University across half the country, but they said they've contacted a local police station there to bring him in to be questioned. I've taken my time to help her as much as I can while also keeping my distance to give her the space she asked for a few weeks ago. In other news there's still many picture likes on pages coming from her, one about a hour ago says "You are the love of my life and I don't care about the distance" which puzzles me and has kept me thinking, I know I live around 25 miles from her which relates to the distance part of the picture but still there's no word on if she still likes me that way. A mutual friend asked her a week ago (I didn't ask him to, he thought he'd be an ass and poke into our business) what she thinks of me, she said she still cares for me but I don't know in that way, either way over time I'm sure more hints will drop but for now I'll take it as nothing. But a part of me questions this motive, such as when I originally stated to her 2 weeks ago that I was not going to talk to her for a few months to let things calm down between us (We kept fighting at times, It wasn't getting anywhere and it was hurting us both) but after 3 days she caved in and contacted me out of the blue, no word or reference to the past relationship we had but we started to talk as if we just met for the first time, which did make me happy in a way. Since then we have loosened up a bit over time, then started to talk about the past in a better light, we both agreed to not talk about the past relationship but focus on ourselves for the next few months. But with this it casts some light in areas but also leaving me confused on why all this is going on, but I assume with the stress/depression of what happened to her she is as Deb described 'self preservation' mode. For now however I'll keep my distance and let her work on herself, I'll still talk to her from time to time but I'm going to focus on myself while she focuses on her. Edited October 24, 2013 by ThomasJW
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