Author AutumnMoon Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 my bold. And here we get to the true purpose of these posts. Shock value. Wasn't the purpose at all. In fact I write them out of genuine interest, I am accepting of others opinions, but seems like people think its so dramatic and different from other situations on here? I don't think it's that different at all. People are so shocked that people can lie easily. That people think different than them.. People have affairs everyday. People lie everyday and can look in the mirror just fine.. I just am not shocked by it. I don't want to hurt my family, I'm not out screwing random people unprotected and being crazy... Once in a while.. I meet with a friend and we are extra friendly. That's it.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 next time you see this woman, think about what you read here. SurvivingInfidelity.com - Those of you who were friends with AP... I'm not close to his wife. We know each other, we are from a small town.. But I have barely spent any time alone with her.
beach Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Wasn't the purpose at all. In fact I write them out of genuine interest, I am accepting of others opinions, but seems like people think its so dramatic and different from other situations on here? I don't think it's that different at all. People are so shocked that people can lie easily. That people think different than them.. People have affairs everyday. People lie everyday and can look in the mirror just fine.. I just am not shocked by it. I don't want to hurt my family, I'm not out screwing random people unprotected and being crazy... Once in a while.. I meet with a friend and we are extra friendly. That's it. I'm not shocked by how easily some can lie. It saddens me for that person. It's not a trait I would ever try to obtain or be proud of. Some of your threads I feel you are "baiting" posters, but I'd like to think not.
rumbleseat Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Did you miss where I said that as the BW I was upset about the OW being around my DOG? And that with children, I'm sure that would be 1000x worse!? I just don't agree with physical violence - period. I have no idea why you missed that very important statement I made - of understanding. Understanding someone's anger or frustration or being upset doesn't mean that I condone violence for that instance. When I say I NEVER condone violence - that means across the board - NEVER - no matter the situation. Where does anyone, including the OP, mention physical violence? No one seems to be considering that. 1
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Nope. Not dramatic, not different. The fact is Lots of people are unfaithful Lots of people lie Lots of people have anal sex Lots of people have APs around children Lots of people have sex with AP in the marital beds Lots of people have sex with friends husband or husbands friends or vice versa. Lots of people have unprotected sex outside of marriage Nothing about what you post is shocking, unusual, dramatic, surprising or even inventive. Its been done since the beginning of time and will continue to be until the end. But if you think your actions are innocuous - you are seriously wrong, and I posted why On the other thread about the effects of infidelity on children. I would link it if I even thought you could face reading it, but you continue to live in your bubble of absolute denial, so why bother. 5
beach Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Wasn't the purpose at all. In fact I write them out of genuine interest, I am accepting of others opinions, but seems like people think its so dramatic and different from other situations on here? I don't think it's that different at all. People are so shocked that people can lie easily. That people think different than them.. People have affairs everyday. People lie everyday and can look in the mirror just fine.. I just am not shocked by it. I don't want to hurt my family, I'm not out screwing random people unprotected and being crazy... Once in a while.. I meet with a friend and we are extra friendly. That's it. You don't want to hurt your family? Then why participate in actions that could/would cause them harm if they knew your truth? You have a choice in this - so in reality, you are choosing to hurt them (by your actions) even though you say you "don't want to hurt them". Which is it? Your words and actions do not match. 1
sweet_pea Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I remember being upset that my exHs OW was around my dog when I was out of state, lol. So, I'm sure that with children that feeling would have been 1000 times stronger. I wouldn't have felt physically violent, because that is not in my nature, but the BS in your situation may feel that. I'm sure that she would be hurt to know that you were around her children, and especially hurt that they love you - but that is her own insecurities and more a reflection on her than on you or your actions. Her children being around you isn't a threat to them in any way, so if she was livid about it, I would be more concerned about her issues than the fact that you were around the children. If she reacted strongly, I would wonder about her insecurity and jealousy issues - as those should be juvenile issues, not adult issues. And, the fact that she feels possession/ownership of her children, that is concerning. And, that she felt threatened by her children liking you or whatever- if she did any of those things, I would be more concerned with her state of mind than anything else, as all of those would seem to point to her being very emotionally immature and insecure. You know her don't you? How do you thinks he would react? Could it be dangerous to her children or yours? If so, if there is a dday - take care to protect the children from her if that's the case! That is what you said. You did not mention violence in there until the very end. You said that if the BS was hurt by OW spending time with the kids/the kids liking them, that she in turn is emotionally immature, has jealous/insecurity issues, has juvenile issues, etc. I guess I just find it very dismissive and sad that you'd think that. I'm especially surprised that you would say all of that considering you were once a BS and I guess I'd assume that you'd know what everyone meant. It hurts to know that your spouse was messing with another woman, but hurts even more to know that that women came into every facet of your family (spouse/SO and kids). I've never had kids, so I've never experienced this, but I can only imagine how upsetting it would be to know that the very woman who helped potentially break up your family is interacting with, trying to befriend your most precious gifts. You said you were upset to know that OW spent time with your dog. You said that if you had kids, that upset would be "1000 times stronger." So by that very token, you admit to the fact that you would probably react strongly. So does that mean you too would be emotionally immature for being so hurt? Ps. There was only one post that I found referencing any type of violence. It first mentioned being legal about it, btw. 1
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I remember being upset that my exHs OW was around my dog when I was out of state, lol. So, I'm sure that with children that feeling would have been 1000 times stronger. I wouldn't have felt physically violent, because that is not in my nature, but the BS in your situation may feel that. I'm sure that she would be hurt to know that you were around her children, and especially hurt that they love you - but that is her own insecurities and more a reflection on her than on you or your actions. Her children being around you isn't a threat to them in any way, so if she was livid about it, I would be more concerned about her issues than the fact that you were around the children. If she reacted strongly, I would wonder about her insecurity and jealousy issues - as those should be juvenile issues, not adult issues. And, the fact that she feels possession/ownership of her children, that is concerning. And, that she felt threatened by her children liking you or whatever- if she did any of those things, I would be more concerned with her state of mind than anything else, as all of those would seem to point to her being very emotionally immature and insecure. You know her don't you? How do you thinks he would react? Could it be dangerous to her children or yours? If so, if there is a dday - take care to protect the children from her if that's the case! WRONG. Her children will not love the OW. They will hate her and despise her. Children are not inanimate. They have their own feelings and emotions. they are the BETRAYED CHILDREN as much as the Betrayed Spouse, with no way to process what is happening to them, and no understanding of why. They are collateral damage. A world torn apart because Daddy likes rough sex, or, for the OPs children, because Mummy likes anal. Hope its worth it. 1
threelaurels Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Where does anyone, including the OP, mention physical violence? No one seems to be considering that. I think she is referring to my post where I said: I'm not going to lie. It would take every bone in my body for me to restrain myself from beating her within an inch of her life, but I would find a way to do it for the sake of my children. I'm not a violent person, and I don't advocate violence. I don't even have kids yet. Never underestimate the power of maternal instinct. I'm actually getting worked up just thinking about it. Affairs are incredibly damaging to children. If someone ****s with my kids in a way that causes them trauma, so help me god, I will find a way to **** them up. While I would prefer to do it through legal means, I would absolutely spend time in prison to protect my children if it came down to it. When kids are involved in an A, you are not just playing with a lit match--you are playing with a lit match in a room made of paper. And yeah, I'm emotionally immature compared to a lot of people who post here. I'm only in my early 20s. Expecting me to have the emotional maturity of someone who has much more life experience than me is kinda silly. I would be responsible 100% for my actions, of course, but people my age aren't exactly known for their emotional maturity or for making good choices, for that matter 2
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 WRONG. Her children will not love the OW. They will hate her and despise her. Children are not inanimate. They have their own feelings and emotions. they are the BETRAYED CHILDREN as much as the Betrayed Spouse, with no way to process what is happening to them, and no understanding of why. They are collateral damage. A world torn apart because Daddy likes rough sex, or, for the OPs children, because Mummy likes anal. Hope its worth it. Seriously things are not so simple. This is about a lot more than sex and the sex is not what is worth the risk, just being able to see each other and be around each other is what we get the most out if, but I don't feel the need to explain that again .. It's been said over and over. If the physical side of that affair had never happened or ended now we still would be very emotionally involved.
PoopHappens Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 It is not about sex. In fact, you have said you continue to have sex with your H on a regular basis. You love OM because you have very low self esteem and your H does not do a good job in propping up your low self esteem. OM also has very low self esteem because he is less of a man that your H. So having intercourse with you increases the self esteem of the OM. I think this says a lot. The Piper is a greedy man, he will let you rack up a bill as high as you want, for a while -- and then he'll demand payment and he'll want it quickly, and you won't be in a position to pay. So as your self esteem gets bolstered, someone else will pay for this. You are borrowing from your kids and your husband something that can't be repaid by you, so they will eventually suffer, for the enjoyment you have now -- with interest, of course. 1
whichwayisup Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I was referencing all of the posts that were stating that they would resort to violence. That violence is what I would find emotionally immature, insecure, out of jealousy and "having issues". People that have that strong of a reaction, that need to become physically aggressive because they are overwhelmed with their emotions DO have issues. That is not normal, and it's not acceptable - no matter what the situation is. If the children were not put into harm's way by meeting the AP, then reacting violently is "crazy" and unwarranted and not even understandable - because that is just jealousy and insecurity acting out. All the posts? I must have missed all those. And, there's a big difference in thinking those thoughts vs actually doing them. NORMAL people who get pushed past their emotion limit are capable of reacting out of the norm. You as a therapist should know this too.. doesn't mean that person was crazy or messed up beforehand. This also has nothing to do with insecurity, it's having someone outside of the marriage trying to STEAL from you. 1
Pastypop Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I don't know too many husbands who allow their wives to have close male friends without questioning or limiting the relationship. It's amazing that he doesn't seem to care that the OM is over at your house to help you out when hubby can't be around. I can't believe that your husband or the OM'd wife have never said anything about it. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 I don't know too many husbands who allow their wives to have close male friends without questioning or limiting the relationship. It's amazing that he doesn't seem to care that the OM is over at your house to help you out when hubby can't be around. I can't believe that your husband or the OM'd wife have never said anything about it. They've said things about it. But not negative things. His wife says since he met me their marriage is better. She has said that to my face a few times and to other people even more often. Her husband and two other guys and me hang out quite a bit, not always alone. We enjoy the same things, and we are very much alike. My husband trusts me, and just thinks I wouldn't have interest in these guys because then don't make as much as him and for a few other reasons, he just would be insulted by the idea so doesn't think about it much.. Or if he does he doesn't complain to me. He know OM is a close friend, he likes him too.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Originally Posted by George Harrison It is not about sex. In fact, you have said you continue to have sex with your H on a regular basis. You love OM because you have very low self esteem and your H does not do a good job in propping up your low self esteem. OM also has very low self esteem because he is less of a man that your H. So having intercourse with you increases the self esteem of the OM. .... I missed this post. I do agree this is probably true.
Snowflower Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Most of the things people are saying I've gone over in my head a million times so nothing really to get upset about. I think if people here knew me in real life they'd be surprised.. My life is pretty smooth and successful, we are all fine. This isn't a drama or a soup opera. I am not drunk in love.. I love him, but every step I make is a choice and I can admit that. I'm thinking about it not just jumping into it. If it makes me seem like a sociopath to say we have planned things and are patient.. We take calculated risks.. Then so be it.. People are too easily shocked. I really think this is an affair that will go undiscovered if nothing major changes right now, if something major does change.. We will end the affair. I'm not saying that wouldn't be painful. But it's totally possible. No reason for me to get upset. I'm very curious and accepting of others opinions. Thanks for answering and thank you for being so polite and answering people's questions here.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 As I said, people with kids need to think ahead to the future. It is one of the responsibilities of parenthood to give up living in the moment all the time. Where do you see yourself and your kids. How do you see this A ending. Are you hoping it continues until the kids are gone and you can be with him? What is your most repeat fantasy? Do you have a plan for i your caught? Don't you find it suspicious that BW is making friendly? Yes both me and OM have thought she may suspect we are a little more than friends, but not that she suspects anything physical. She doesn't have a lot of close friends and likes me so to her it makes sense we all hang out.. And we do but I don't have a whole lot in common with her to hang out with her alone, and I also don't want to get to close to her, I understand that's adding insult to injury. I would love to imagine being with this OM but it won't be the case. I think eventually my husband will move closer to home or I'm hoping, in the long term that's the plan, and me and OM will first stop the physical affair and then slowly fade away the emotional side.. That's how we've discussed it. But he would like it to continue for our lives if we can but we both agree that depends on a lot of things.. I doing we'd be able to hide it forever so we know it could end at any time. If my husband chooses to remain working away.. Yes when my kids are grown ill probably leave. But if plans stick to what they are, id like to stay married.
Confusion_Reigns Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 No, just no. She was not allowed to interact with my children. He respected this decision of mine and never brought them around her. My children were quite a bit younger then (8 & 10) and to this day they do not know her name or what she looks like. The reason I gave him was this: She had come from a tough life and her immediate family has a lot of negative behavior in its history…drugs, drinking, jail/prison, fighting, etc…and I simply did not want my children exposed to that life style. 1
underwater2010 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Autumnmoon If your husband quit his job for something close to home, where he was home every night and on the weekends, would you end this affair and all that it entails? 1
underwater2010 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Autumnmoon If your husband quit his job for something close to home, where he was home every night and on the weekends, would you end this affair and all that it entails? never mind I read a little further and know the answer.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Thanks for answering and thank you for being so polite and answering people's questions here. Before this happened I never would have believed that this kind of thing was really so common.. It's made me think so much.. Everywhere around me now I look at people and wonder what they are hiding. I don't mind at all answering questions, I'm trying to figure all this out too. I appreciate people trying to help and offer advice even if it seems like I don't take it. I'm considering it all.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Autumnmoon If your husband quit his job for something close to home, where he was home every night and on the weekends, would you end this affair and all that it entails? The physical side would be easier to end than how I feel about him emotionally. I crave just seeing his face. But yes from the beginning he knew that eventually if my husband moved home I would want things to change.
harrybrown Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Do you ever crave to see your husband's face? If not, divorce him and let him find someone that will cherish him. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Do you ever crave to see your husband's face? If not, divorce him and let him find someone that will cherish him. Yes I sure so. I always know when I'll see my husband next, so it's different but yes, I miss him when he's gone.
ComingInHot Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Hey Autumn moon, I've been trying to come up w/a way to write this w/out it reading as a "diss" but please try to read it as it's meant, trying to understand your "state"?.?. Maybe, you've just gotten accustomed or comfortable with having what you want? A H who loves you & works to provide for you, an intact family and some nice meat on the side to fill in the gaps... You've maybe just gotten used to... cake?? maybe that's why the what if's don't even phase you. Nothing will until you live the consequences and literally See & Feel the pain, heartbreak and Destruction your cheating caused.?.? I don't know. Just trying to figure out how your so cool with cheating. I don't think I read anything like it before* 2
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