road Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 My kids are not often alone with this other guy by any means.. Maybe once or twice? And I've watched his kids five or six times over the last couple years, and then we all see each other with mutual friends and because its a small town. They are bonded to him as a friend, nothing more and I'm in no way trying to steak these kids affection from their mother at all. I've helped when asked that's all, and I brought it up because it was something that I have been thinking about lately and avoiding. I'm not insulted by anything anyone's said but it never ceases to amaze me how many people think they know exactly what's going on and think they can convince me I'm psycho some how.. I'm not doing anything evil.. I'm just being bluntly honest. I have no designs to destroy either marriage. Delusional Demented Denial Deranged Sad that she does not give a damn. For a person to be that FOUR D leads me to believe that she is only posting for sport.
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 When you expose your children to your AP, or vice versa, the children will view it as having been used to be able to see the AP. They were unwittingly party to the affair. Using your children or any child to further ones sexual life is abuse. That is how the BS will view it, that is how any reasonable person would view it. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 You mentioned that your H is gone a lot for work or hunting trips. Does he know that you were lonely at times? Do you wonder if he is having an Affair himself? If he put in the time and effort you desire for home and family that you think would be faithful to him again? ...or has that ship sailed? I'm sorry that you were abused. It really does affect you throughout your entire life. Of course my husband knows I'm lonely. He hears that a lot.. Less now. I'm told to work more, get another hobby or take care of the kids. All of which I do, I also have lots of family and friends but I miss HIM. It's lost on him. If he wasn't gone all the time the affair never would have started, I wasn't looking for it. But we were both lonely and once we opened the door couldn't stop.. Now we care a lot about each other and I'm not sure how I feel about my husband getting a job here just yet.. I stopped asking him too. If he did, I would be happy though. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Sorry to hear about abuse, nobody should ever have to go through that, at any age, especially though when a child. I do hope you consider counseling. Sounds more like narcissism and/or Dissociative disorder, your coping skills you learned from a young age. I wasn't abused as a kid, more adolescent and my teen years. I'm ok. I don't believe it's an excuse for this, just explains how I can separate it in my mind more I think.
ComingInHot Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 One thing to consider is this perspective; You enter My Childrens world, I enter your children's world. That is my immediate thought. The, "how dare you manipulate and weasel yourself into MY kids lives, get them to like you while screwing MY H! " Hopefully there is time & distance between thoughts & actions for Everyone's sake... 2
PhoenixRise Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 OP You have gotten some really good advice here. MM's wife and your betrayed husband will react the way they feel best if/when this all comes out. They are human and they are entitled to human emotions and reactions. The main issue here is the fallout potential to the children, your kids AND his. Keep your affair separate from the kids....ALL of the kids. Protect their mental well being and don't ever put them in a situation where they could even possibly feel that they are betraying the other parent. It is damaging to them and not fair to them at all. You seem to be able to compartmentalize to a remarkable degree. Don't expect any of the kids to be able to mentally and emotionally separate things the way you do. 4
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 AM: This is how I would react if I was married to someone like you: If I discover the affair I call the OM and ask him to take you away. In other words, I say "Dude, you can have her". I would never try to convince you to stay in the marriage or to stop cheating. I suspect this is how most Alfa males would react. In a sense you would be doing your H a favor by riding into the sunset with OM. Which according to you is what you would ideally like to do. In the end you are not blood related to your H. Regarding children: You have said that you and OM are the best parents in the planet. I also consider myself a good father and if I find out an OM is getting close to my kids I would go ballistic. OM can have my wife, no big deal, but my children are sacred. If an OM tried to father or love my kids there would be hell to pay. I would seriously consider beating the crap out of OM because that is about as low as a human can get. No one messes up with my kids because they are my blood. OTOH, my wife is not my blood and if she wanted the OM I would gladly get rid of her. However, my kids are sacred. I do hear what you are saying. My husband wouldn't be able to take my kids from me. He doesn't even really live with us, he's away much more than he's home. I'm not worried about custody. I just don't want them confused and hurt and I'm taking steps to avoid that. My husband gets pissed off if I even look at another man with a little attraction. He does not care that men look at me, but I'm supposed to have blinders on, but be willing to listen to him make comments and try and convince me to invite a woman for a threesome. My husband is old fashioned and jealous and a workaholic. I've focused on him and the kids for the last decade. I don't feel very bad about putting myself first right now. My kids are the priority and unless one if us confessed to the affair I'm pretty sure they will never ever know this happened. I'm considering everything everyone is saying though. Me and OM are not the best parents on the planet, I never said we were but being parents is very important to us in a way it's not to my husband. His parenting style is to make money and provide.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Someone asked if I know his wife well.. I do know her, but not incredibly well, we don't spend much time together alone, we have, but we see each other more around mutual friends.
underwater2010 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Of course my husband knows I'm lonely. He hears that a lot.. Less now. I'm told to work more, get another hobby or take care of the kids. All of which I do, I also have lots of family and friends but I miss HIM. It's lost on him. If he wasn't gone all the time the affair never would have started, I wasn't looking for it. But we were both lonely and once we opened the door couldn't stop.. Now we care a lot about each other and I'm not sure how I feel about my husband getting a job here just yet.. I stopped asking him too. If he did, I would be happy though. Red flag #1 for a BS is change in behavior. You just mentioned a big change....your not caring enough to say you miss and need him. Also....don't lay it on his feet as to why or why not you are in an affair. Him being out earning money and participating in hobbies did not cause you to open your legs to another man.
peaksandvalleys Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Not going to lie, I've cared for my OM's kids on a number of occasions, they love me, I love them, I've also left my kids with him on occasion. We are friends and we help each other out. I've recently wondered though how that would affect things should this ever come out. I do not think about the affair as I'm caring for kids obviously but I have thought his wife and my husband could take it extremely personally and think I had ulterior motives I guess. If my children were younger and this was the situation, I would be very angry. I can honestly say that I would view her as an interloper who took advantage of my children and her relationship with their father. I would not view her kindly at all. 5
rumbleseat Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Something about your situation isn't adding up. You say that yourhusabnd is hardly ever home, your kids care more about the OM than they do about him, he's not that great of a husband and you would be fine on your own. If all of this is rue then why not divorce? He wo'ldn;t see his kids any less/more than he does now, you wouldn't be cheating on him, and you would be free to live your life and ind a guy who is everything yu say you want. why stay? could it be that the very things that you say are lacking in your marriage ( and are your "reasons" for cheating) are what makes it ideal for you? you can be married but still have your own space,still be extremely independent and not have someone else depending on your for an emotional connection? You have the OM for that, without the everyday "closeness' that would happen in a more typical marriage. 3
Darren Steez Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Love how this person is managing to wind you all up 1
PoopHappens Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 This is why I'm thinking a lot about this. My children love love love this other man.. They are more likely to ask about him than their dad after a few days absence because he's around so often.. Not just alone but with other people too, they love him and his kids love being with me too and I'm talking, pictures together, day trips, walks, babysitting,, but it's all been slowing down with his kids the last couple months because I'm avoiding situations where his wife will be since she's determined lately to build a bond with me it seems.. My kids would miss him greatly if I couldn't see him anymore, I wouldn't want that at all. I'm not ignoring it.. Is it okay for me to go outside right now and scream at you. There, did you hear that, I'm in the PNW so it might take a few minutes to get to you. You are, most definitely, not thinking. Putting into place, events, that effectively seduce your children into accepting and gaining the trust and love of your AP is bordering on child abuse. Do you think your H will just fall back into the shadows, while bowing your way, and take this as the new status quo? The confusion your children will feel will last a lifetime and the love they feel for you and this amazing OM will spiral into a maelstrom of emotions that an army of counselors will never untangle. 3
PoopHappens Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Love how this person is managing to wind you all up That's the point for sure; some things are just super maddening. I know, this almost happened to me and it gives me the willies thinking of it. If we were a bunch of Vulcans, this site would not exist. 1
Snowflower Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 AutumnMoon, I have to say that I am impressed with your lack of defensiveness here. Posters are pretty much right on top of your posts with responses but you don't get upset. Good on you!
PoopHappens Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 it never ceases to amaze me how many people think they know exactly what's going on and think they can convince me I'm psycho some how.. I'm not doing anything evil.. I'm just being bluntly honest. I have no designs to destroy either marriage. The view is often clearer when you step back. Ever hear the saying "can't see the forest for the trees"? This would be one of those times. Look up Willful Blindness, there is a good TED talk on this. I'd say this is also applies. It is simple to get evidence when someone decides to. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 (edited) AutumnMoon, I have to say that I am impressed with your lack of defensiveness here. Posters are pretty much right on top of your posts with responses but you don't get upset. Good on you! Most of the things people are saying I've gone over in my head a million times so nothing really to get upset about. I think if people here knew me in real life they'd be surprised.. My life is pretty smooth and successful, we are all fine. This isn't a drama or a soup opera. I am not drunk in love.. I love him, but every step I make is a choice and I can admit that. I'm thinking about it not just jumping into it. If it makes me seem like a sociopath to say we have planned things and are patient.. We take calculated risks.. Then so be it.. People are too easily shocked. I really think this is an affair that will go undiscovered if nothing major changes right now, if something major does change.. We will end the affair. I'm not saying that wouldn't be painful. But it's totally possible. No reason for me to get upset. I'm very curious and accepting of others opinions. Edited October 24, 2013 by AutumnMoon
GorillaTheater Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Why aren't you divorcing? An outstanding question. I look foward to an answer that makes sense, and that won't make my hair curl. 3
ComingInHot Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I don't know how old your kids are but if they call you out on what you've done to them, will you be able to look at them and say you fully admit the premeditated choices knowing full well how much it would hurt them?? 2
sweet_pea Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Yes, I would be highly pissed off if I found out that the OW was anywhere near my kids, behind my back. Doesn't matter if my xWS let her, I would have to know the person myself. I wouldn't want my kids being in the care of someone I didn't know/trust, and OW certainly falls into that category. I don't have kids (yet), but if I did, that would be how I would see it. Plus, let's not forget that involving yourself in the lives of the (innocent) kids should the affair bust open just complicates things even further. Hopefully that made sense. 2
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 It is usually the people who are arrogantly assuming they won't get caught... That get caught. Why aren't you divorcing? We are well aware of that. I don't think we are so smart we can't get caught. We are just always aware of that possibility and try to act accordingly. I don't want to divorce for a lot of reasons. My husbands not perfect but he's a good man, the father of my kids, and I have history, family, friends and a life with him.
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 but that is her own insecurities and more a reflection on her than on you or your actions. No, not about insecurities at all, it's about an Affair Partner being around her kid PERIOD. Same goes with men. If an OM is around the BH's kids, are you saying he's insecure and it's a reflection of him rather than the fact he is PISSED (or she is PISSED) that WS brought their kids around an AP? Again, this is not about insecurity, it's about an invasion of privacy and opening up a huge can of worms, such disrespect to the innocents in all this. 1
sweet_pea Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 (edited) Did you miss where I said that as the BW I was upset about the OW being around my DOG? And that with children, I'm sure that would be 1000x worse!? I just don't agree with physical violence - period. I have no idea why you missed that very important statement I made - of understanding. Understanding someone's anger or frustration or being upset doesn't mean that I condone violence for that instance. When I say I NEVER condone violence - that means across the board - NEVER - no matter the situation. I don't think CoolIt was talking about the violence part. I think she was directing her post to the parts where you pretty much say that if a BS is angry that an OW is/was spending time around their kids (and mind you, most of the time this is all behind their back) that they are emotionally immature, insecure, jealous and have issues. (Just a guess) And yeah, I think that's kind of a bit much to claim. Edited October 25, 2013 by sweet_pea 1
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 People are too easily shocked. I really think this is an affair that will go undiscovered if nothing major changes right now, if something major does change.. We will end the affair. I'm not saying that wouldn't be painful. But it's totally possible. No reason for me to get upset. I'm very curious and accepting of others opinions. my bold. And here we get to the true purpose of these posts. Shock value.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Well the picture you have painted of him here does not paint your marrige as a good thing He is an absantee Your kids would miss MM more He care more About work and hobbies than you You don't love him You lOve MM more You are risking your marrige for something that is missing in it. To complete it. You no longer want him to be home because you are happy in your affair. You don't think your kids would be too affected by divorce. Honestly, the smart and healthy thing to do is end the affair and focus on your marriage. See if you can make it fuller. See if you can get help so you don't need to lie and cheat for happiness. But you won't do that because what you are doing is fun. Consequences be hanged! He's absent most of the time for work, on his weeks off though, yes he often chooses to travel instead of come home. That sucks for us. His reasoning is they are in school and Im working and we are used to him being gone anyway. I believe I said my kids would miss OM more at first if he was suddenly gone.. Because they see him often, more in daily life than their dad yes.. But that being said.. Their dad is their dad, they love him and they would handle living apart from him well because they are used to it but its not lost on me that they still love their father! They'd miss him, so would I. We have a life, and we have plans. I do love him. I love the other man as well and yes have a lot more in common with him, and a deep friendship that I don't have with my husband, but I have things with my husband I dont have with OM too. And him being my kids father is top of the list. Remember this other man has a family too, we are both clear that's where we are staying.
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