The Other Woman and your kids

[whichwayisup]

Lots of BS would gladly pack and send their WS to the AP.

 

Mess with their kids...whole other kettle of fish.

 

Come on...you know that.

 

You are not the only OW that seems to flaunt the interaction with OM children..and say "oh, but they love me".

 

THEY LOVE THEIR MOTHER MORE. NO CONTEST. YOU LOSE. BIG TIME.

 

Agree. Please don't feel just because his kids love you and your kids love your MM, if push comes to shove and there's a line in the sand, those kids won't side or choose you and him..They will choose their own flesh and blood parents, even more so since they are little.

[AutumnMoon]

I think it's more like sociopaths don't care if something is wrong with them. Their attitude is that "sociopath" is some label put on them by weak and stupid people. Their lack of care and consideration of others doesn't make them feel deficient- they feel superior. We are the dumb ones stupid enough to allow ourselves to get hurt.

 

I don't really feel superior .. I do feel different. When I hear other people describe their feelings, I definitely feel different.

[AutumnMoon]

I didn't say anything about the sex. it's having ANOTHER WOMAN, The OW (let's say if your H was cheating you on) around your kids.

 

Glad to see that it would bother you. Please keep that DAILY in your mind when you're around your MM's children. Maybe take a step back and focus on your affair behind closed doors and keep the kids out of it completely. It's little hearts that are going to be bursting and the fallout will affect them more than you realize.

 

It's good you're thinking about it. Question is, what are you going to do about it?

 

I have been doing that. The last couple months his wife has been really trying to start a friendship with me and in trying to avoid that, I was thinking a lot about the kids and have tried to separate them as well. I realized the web was getting tangled.

[unodos1011]

Not going to lie, I've cared for my OM's kids on a number of occasions, they love me, I love them, I've also left my kids with him on occasion. We are friends and we help each other out.

 

I've recently wondered though how that would affect things should this ever come out.

 

I do not think about the affair as I'm caring for kids obviously but I have thought his wife and my husband could take it extremely personally and think I had ulterior motives I guess.

 

Will anyone change your mind about what you're doing? I don't think so.

 

OW babysat my kids. My husband screwed OW sometimes if he came home and the kids were napping. Writing that out makes me hate him again...and yes, I do blame him more than her. My son was only a year and a half through this but it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about walking in with my husband and her telling us that he was saying her name and singing "row your boat" with her...he couldn't talk! His speech was delayed and he wasn't even saying "mama" yet, much less her name! That's my personal situation. This will probably be more of an issue for the BW than for your husband, but let me tell you...I wanted to DESTROY this OW and you sound just like her. They will absolutely think you had ulterior motives and it's the wife, I'm telling you now to watch out for her when you get caught...

 

I'm calling BS on that last part about separating it. OW sent pics of my kids to my WH and me. They had to be deleted which sucked, because I'm sure you know that as a mom, pictures of the kids are never deleted. I saw the messages where she said she had a dream they were all a family and that she was holding my newborn baby, I saw the jokes about her being the mother of my son. It's a spiteful thing to do and it's a spiteful thing to put another mother in that position where she wants to throw away photos, and toys, and items in her home simply because you touched them. That's how disgusting the wife will think you are. Now let's talk about crazy. I had to sit and wonder if OW went through my things in my home while I was gone. If you're having sex with the husband, why wouldn't you be a bit curious as to what goes on in the house. I wondered if she used my hairbrush, If she looked through my jewelry or my closet. What you're doing to this woman is a complete violation and she will feel exactly that!

 

And when it happens, when it allllll goes down. She going to tell people about you being in her home, about you having the nerve to watch her kids or play house with them. This is going to be so, so bad and I feel so sorry for this woman and your husband and the position you are putting them in. Their world is absolutely going to explode....and for what???

Edited October 24, 2013 by unodos1011

[ChooseTruth]

My daughter still has to be around the OM sometimes I think. She mentioned his name a couple months ago and I wanted to scream.

 

I can't even imagine what it was like for my mother though.

My father was one of those rare cases that divorced, married his AP, and stayed married for like 25 years. I've spent a lot of time with my stepmother.

[AutumnMoon]

My xMM babysit the kids. I didn't even bring it up on here until a certain post about terrible things the WS did. It was something in the aftermath that I saw as truely terrible.

 

Like you i dismissed being caught. So i didnt think aboit the effects on the children post affair.

My son is only 1 and Daughter 3. She is young enough no serious harm has been done but old enough that I did see the effect on her. She loved xMM. She often asked if she was going to visit him. He babysat her, we went grocery shopping together and swimming. And this was only for a few mOnths and she was already seriously bonded to him. I can't imagine if we had continued for years as so many As do.

 

Aftermath she asked for him. She cried when I told her she wouldn't see him. And she was confused when he didn't acknowldege her as special at a get together. She also asked for his wife and cried.

 

They are getting to be a distant memory to her. She will not be impacted for life.

 

Kids aren't as resilent as people say. If they were there wouldn't be so many adults with childhood issues! If you are caught or one of you confesses (this is always a possibility, no katter how small, until you both are dead) your children will be put through hell. There is no way any of this is just going to go away.

 

 

You have made it clear that you are not considering ending it. So I am not going to suggest you do. I will tell you that while the BS will not be happy with the added thing about kids (for some infidelity is a tally system. The cheating being the bas an then everything added to it)

 

But most importantly your kids will have a lot of emotions and crap to deal with and each child is an individual who will handle it different. Don't delude yourself. Your affair is hurting your kids. It is not thinking about your future or theirs. A happy ending is slim to none.

 

S

 

This is why I'm thinking a lot about this.

 

My children love love love this other man.. They are more likely to ask about him than their dad after a few days absence because he's around so often.. Not just alone but with other people too, they love him and his kids love being with me too and I'm talking, pictures together, day trips, walks, babysitting,, but it's all been slowing down with his kids the last couple months because I'm avoiding situations where his wife will be since she's determined lately to build a bond with me it seems..

 

My kids would miss him greatly if I couldn't see him anymore, I wouldn't want that at all. I'm not ignoring it..

[harrybrown]

Do the right thing and tell your husband and the POSOM's wife.

Edited October 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I'm not going to lie. It would take every bone in my body for me to restrain myself from beating her within an inch of her life, but I would find a way to do it for the sake of my children.

 

I'm not a violent person, and I don't advocate violence. I don't even have kids yet. Never underestimate the power of maternal instinct. I'm actually getting worked up just thinking about it.

 

Affairs are incredibly damaging to children. If someone ****s with my kids in a way that causes them trauma, so help me god, I will find a way to **** them up. While I would prefer to do it through legal means, I would absolutely spend time in prison to protect my children if it came down to it.

 

When kids are involved in an A, you are not just playing with a lit match--you are playing with a lit match in a room made of paper.

 

No doubt!. I would be beyond livid! Someone would either be in critical care or the morgue.

 

You are playing with fire and gasoline, but you're too self-absorbed to realize it.

Edited October 24, 2013 by Betrayed&Stayed

[Furious]

This is why I'm thinking a lot about this.

 

My children love love love this other man.. They are more likely to ask about him than their dad after a few days absence because he's around so often.. Not just alone but with other people too, they love him and his kids love being with me too and I'm talking, pictures together, day trips, walks, babysitting,, but it's all been slowing down with his kids the last couple months because I'm avoiding situations where his wife will be since she's determined lately to build a bond with me it seems..

 

My kids would miss him greatly if I couldn't see him anymore, I wouldn't want that at all. I'm not ignoring it..

 

 

What a disconnect you have...you seem more worried about the kids missing and caring about your affair partner rather than the very likelyhood of the affair blowing up your husband and children's world.

 

Unbelievable ....

[nittygritty]

This is why I'm thinking a lot about this.

 

My children love love love this other man.. They are more likely to ask about him than their dad after a few days absence because he's around so often.. Not just alone but with other people too, they love him and his kids love being with me too and I'm talking, pictures together, day trips, walks, babysitting,, but it's all been slowing down with his kids the last couple months because I'm avoiding situations where his wife will be since she's determined lately to build a bond with me it seems..

 

My kids would miss him greatly if I couldn't see him anymore, I wouldn't want that at all. I'm not ignoring it..

 

How old are the kids? Did your parents cheat on each other and let their affair partners take care of you when you were a child? It isn't likely that your kids are going to "love love love this other man" when they realize that you were cheating on their dad. Unless all the kids involved are under the age of 3, someday they are going to realize what was going on.

 

Not only are you teaching your kids how to be cheaters when they grow up but you are also knowingly doing something that has the potential to emotionally scar all of the kids involved. If you truly love your kids, you need to start protecting them from your sick behavior and seek treatment from a mental health professional.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Sadly, this poster is quite ill. I do hope she gets the help she needs. A print out of the posts and a willingness to actually listen to someone trained to deal with this type of illness is badly needed. All of that was written as gently as possible because this is among one of the most disturbing threads I have ever seen on here, and that is saying a lot.

 

Something this extreme can only be two possibilities:

 

1 - A troll

2 - A very sick person that needs to be under professional mental health care

 

Sadly, I believe #2 is the case. Very disturbing, indeed.

[2sure]

AutumnMoon, so far you have discussed that you may be Bi Polar and a sexual addict, due in part to past abuse . Youve mentioned split self as well. I do hope you are seeing a professional and think you might consider trying to just stop the affair for your family's sake until you can get some help.

Edited October 24, 2013 by 2sure

[AutumnMoon]

My kids are not often alone with this other guy by any means.. Maybe once or twice? And I've watched his kids five or six times over the last couple years, and then we all see each other with mutual friends and because its a small town. They are bonded to him as a friend, nothing more and I'm in no way trying to steak these kids affection from their mother at all. I've helped when asked that's all, and I brought it up because it was something that I have been thinking about lately and avoiding.

 

I'm not insulted by anything anyone's said but it never ceases to amaze me how many people think they know exactly what's going on and think they can convince me I'm psycho some how.. I'm not doing anything evil.. I'm just being bluntly honest. I have no designs to destroy either marriage.

[AutumnMoon]

AutumnMoon, so far you have discussed that you may be Bi Polar and a sexual addict, due in part to past abuse . Youve mentioned split self as well. I do hope you are seeing a professional and think you might consider trying to just stop the affair for your family's sake until you can get some help.

 

I have an appointment this coming week, but I'm not sure where I would even start. I thought it wouldn't hurt to see what someone says.

 

I have kids, they are happy and healthy.. I'm successful, I'm active in my community. None of this has negatively affected my life really.. I understand it could if we got caught, but right now the only way that would happen is if one of is confessed. Or someone walks in.. Which is highly unlikely. Neither of us share cell phone bills, computers or bank accounts or vehicles with our spouses.. Neither of us has told a soul of this affair.. And we both know it could end tomorrow if it had to and we are ok with that.

[whichwayisup]

I don't really feel superior .. I do feel different. When I hear other people describe their feelings, I definitely feel different.

 

What do you mean different? Guilt? Worry that your actions and choices will hurt them?

[whichwayisup]

I have been doing that. The last couple months his wife has been really trying to start a friendship with me and in trying to avoid that, I was thinking a lot about the kids and have tried to separate them as well. I realized the web was getting tangled.

 

Keep distancing and keep your kids busy with other friends, family members, grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins etc.. Arrangement play dates and plenty of distraction, new things for them to do, spend time with them alone and also as as family unit with your husband. Keep the A completely separate from your home life.

[nittygritty]

My kids are not often alone with this other guy by any means.. Maybe once or twice? And I've watched his kids five or six times over the last couple years, and then we all see each other with mutual friends and because its a small town. They are bonded to him as a friend, nothing more and I'm in no way trying to steak these kids affection from their mother at all. I've helped when asked that's all, and I brought it up because it was something that I have been thinking about lately and avoiding.

 

I'm not insulted by anything anyone's said but it never ceases to amaze me how many people think they know exactly what's going on and think they can convince me I'm psycho some how.. I'm not doing anything evil.. I'm just being bluntly honest. I have no designs to destroy either marriage.

 

You stated that your kids "love love love this other man" and "My kids would miss him greatly if I couldn't see him anymore, I wouldn't want that at all. I'm not ignoring it..". Is it important to you that your kids like your affair partners? Because it's not likely that he's a great role model for your kids to be around or bond with. If you don't want to destroy either marriage than why not try to have a healthier relationship with your husband?

 

This is a good article that you might find helpful:

 

Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn

[AutumnMoon]

What do you mean different? Guilt? Worry that your actions and choices will hurt them?

 

I mean since I was a kid I felt different than other people. Just how I think and see things. I kind of adjust my behaviour to suit the situation, I have since I was really young, and I also had a fantasy world I lived in. And yes, I've already admitting it had to do with abuse.

 

I feel emotions but seems to me I feel them differently than people around me, but other people don't always notice because I'm a good actress. That kind of different.

 

But I do feel guilt and I do feel shame and usually it stops me from doing what I feel is wrong. This is a time I chose to move forward because it made me happy. I don't really regret it.

 

This affair started out in my fantasy world.. I thought about it for more than a year, not often but I did.. He was a close friend and I was lonely. I found out he felt the same way, and from there..

 

I don't know anyone who doesn't have fantasies.

It doesn't make me crazy. I do probably more than other people.. But not enough to affect my life until this fantasy became real, but are trying to minimize its affect on our lives.

Edited October 24, 2013 by AutumnMoon

[Journee]

You mentioned that your H is gone a lot for work or hunting trips. Does he know that you were lonely at times? Do you wonder if he is having an Affair himself? If he put in the time and effort you desire for home and family that you think would be faithful to him again? ...or has that ship sailed?

 

I'm sorry that you were abused. It really does affect you throughout your entire life.

[whichwayisup]

I mean since I was a kid I felt different than other people. Just how I think and see things. I kind of adjust my behaviour to suit the situation, I have since I was really young, and I also had a fantasy world I lived in. And yes, I've already admitting it had to do with abuse.

 

I feel emotions but seems to me I feel them differently than people around me, but other people don't always notice because I'm a good actress. That kind of different.

 

But I do feel guilt and I do feel shame and usually it stops me from doing what I feel is wrong. This is a time I chose to move forward because it made me happy. I don't really regret it.

 

This affair started out in my fantasy world.. I thought about it for more than a year, not often but I did.. He was a close friend and I was lonely. I found out he felt the same way, and from there..

 

I don't know anyone who doesn't have fantasies.

It doesn't make me crazy. I do probably more than other people.. But not enough to affect my life until this fantasy became real, but are trying to minimize its affect on our lives.

 

Sorry to hear about abuse, nobody should ever have to go through that, at any age, especially though when a child. I do hope you consider counseling.

 

Sounds more like narcissism and/or Dissociative disorder, your coping skills you learned from a young age.

[William]

Persistent discussion of and calling any member out as a sociopath is a bannable offense, so pursue that vein of off-topic posting at your own risk. One member banned, a few infractions and thread cleaned up. Leave the professional psychological diagnoses to professionals. Thanks!

[whichwayisup]

. But honestly, it comes down to the BS. I don't think that the responses you are getting here are representative of the world at large - so, I would suggest you take these responses with a HUGE grain of salt. (especially the many that allude to physical violence, most people do not consider physical violence simply because their children met another person!)

 

This isn't just 'meeting' the OW once or twice. This is an affair where they spend a lot of time with each others kids and involved. The kids are attached and loved by her and MM. Much different than meeting an AP once or twice in a park or going for a quick ice cream.

 

I respectfully disagree when you say take what BS's are saying with a grain of salt. One would think it's just common sense that the reaction by a BS would be pretty close on how each person has expressed it. And some have offered their own experiences personally.

[yellowmaverick]

My children were all teens when d-day hit. For various reasons, I have chosen not to reconcile. While they are disapointed in their father, they support my decision. They were obvioiusly part of the family dynamics and have witnessed their father's selfishness their whole lives.

 

My children are all great people - mature, intelligent, kind, moral. They love their father very much and always will. He chose to cut all contact with the mistress even though we are not reconciling. If he had chosen to pursue a real relationship with her, I know that my children would never have wanted anything to do with her. They have told me so. Their father's affair goes against their values and their moral code. They would never have accepted someone who screwed their father and later stalked their mother and them.

[rumbleseat]

 

I remember being upset that my exHs OW was around my dog when I was out of state, lol. So, I'm sure that with children that feeling would have been 1000 times stronger. I wouldn't have felt physically violent, because that is not in my nature, but the BS in your situation may feel that. I'm sure that she would be hurt to know that you were around her children, and especially hurt that they love you - but that is her own insecurities and more a reflection on her than on you or your actions. Her children being around you isn't a threat to them in any way, so if she was livid about it, I would be more concerned about her issues than the fact that you were around the children.

 

 

If you love your children as you say you do, I would highly question this advice.

 

To help illustrate how damaging an affair can be to a child, here are some published articles and studies.

 

How Does Infidelity Affect Children: Interview With Kelli Korn | eRelationshipAdviceCafe

 

 

 

http://digitool.library.colostate.ed...8xNzUwMzE=.pdf

 

 

http://www2.uwstout.edu/content/lib/...2001koskim.pdf

Edited October 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote

[harrybrown]

You were tested for stds. Are you tested each time?

 

My friend F received AIDS from his wife. She had an affair. She was never going to tell him about the affair. After she found out she had aids from her affair partner, her doctor encouraged her to tell her husband. (reporting requirements)

 

She thought that she was the only AP. She was wrong. But her AP would lie and cheat on his wife, but he would not lie to her!

 

There is a post on LS from one woman who sent a group email to her husband's affair partners to inform them of the stds.

 

So you will not tell your husband that you are selfish and cheating on him. He will never find out, just continue on in your land of unicorns. He will want to have your children tested for paternity.

 

If you must continue the affair, you will not tell him, then you should divorce him! Or you could try to get him to have an open marriage.

 

Why did you take those vows regarding your husband? Your vows mean nothing, You must really hate your husband.

 

Read the posting in talkaboutmarriage by missthelove2013 about his reaction to his mother's affair. (infidelity's affect on children-his reaction to his mother's affair) He never forgave her, and he saw her with her AP)