Update - unexpected D-day 2

[Mount]

Honestly, I don't think the wife does not know the true color of her husband after marrying him 36 years. However she has to maintain the facade of happy family I suppose.

 

I recall I had first impression when I saw her, she appears being very unhappy on the face, depressed. The MM sometimes mentioned that she took anti-depression pills for mitigating menopause symptom, but I doubt. The MM mentions often his wife always shops, not sure if that is related to his impact towards his wife.

 

 

Wow, what a creep! It sounds to me like married man was exposed at home somehow (maybe wife caught him messaging or something) and he then told her a pack of lies about you chasing him. Of course, to keep up this pretence, he had to agree to go with her to confront you about your (supposed) harrassment. That he should treat you like this is appalling and shows his true character.

 

I expect his wife was calm because she believed him and she was in the powerful position of 'putting you in your place'. Little does she know, obviously, what a turncoat this guy is behind her back.

 

I'm sorry you have been treated like this. Personally, I feel all married guys who seek relationships outside their marriage are untrustworthy by default (they are lying to their wives), but this guy has treated both of you appallingly. For your own sake, block the guy and make sure he can't re-enter your life in any way. He does not deserve a genuine person at all.

[dreamingoftigers]

Honestly, I don't think the wife does not know the true color of her husband after marrying him 36 years. However she has to maintain the facade of happy family I suppose.

 

I recall I had first impression when I saw her, she appears being very unhappy on the face, depressed. The MM sometimes mentioned that she took anti-depression pills for mitigating menopause symptom, but I doubt. The MM mentions often his wife always shops, not sure if that is related to his impact towards his wife.

 

My parents were married about that sane amount if time when my father stepped out and was caught in a four month affair.

 

My mother regularly took anti-depressants and I can honestly say that she had no idea about my dads true colours desolate the fact the he waved them in front of her for forty years.

 

I knew it. He's very manipulative.

But she still believed he was her white knight until after he was busted.

It's really impacted her hard.

Yes she's with him but she still talks about it. Still has anger and upset even though they've reconciled.

 

I think they're about as happy as they can ever dysfunctionally hope to be. But she'll never see him the same again. Which is both good and bad.

 

Nothing short of his cheating would've ever broken that spell. And she really had to find out for herself. And frankly, my father was VERY blatant about it. I knew and I was 3000 km away!

 

Truth be told, I think she went on anti-depressants largely because of how draining he was to her. Then the more depressed she got the more she "needed" him. The more he could manipulate her and blame everything else in the world (even us kids) for their circumstance.

 

He was incredibly possessive. He hired someone to watch my mother while he was having his own affair (god what a boring job. I hope they liked Oprah). He also at times would block me visiting her (even long before he had his affair) saying that I would convince her to divorce him (!) really it was nuts and I never once pressured or asked my Mom to divorce.

 

In hindsight, I sometimes wished I had.

[Mount]

I think you used a very good word - "draining". I kind of felt same way even I was just OW, that is one of the reason I was thinking of breaking off with the MM, then somehow MM flipped, developing the confrontation drama that made him seem to be the one calling the shot.

 

Yes I have to admit, before entering the affair my gut has told me the MM was not a good person, he also made another female coworker at workplace that totally brain-washed by him, infatuating with him a lot. Clearly I can see that as a outsider before.

 

I wonder the masterful manipulation skill that the MM has, is really powerful over his wife, and those women.

 

My parents were married about that sane amount if time when my father stepped out and was caught in a four month affair.

 

My mother regularly took anti-depressants and I can honestly say that she had no idea about my dads true colours desolate the fact the he waved them in front of her for forty years.

 

I knew it. He's very manipulative.

But she still believed he was her white knight until after he was busted.

It's really impacted her hard.

Yes she's with him but she still talks about it. Still has anger and upset even though they've reconciled.

 

I think they're about as happy as they can ever dysfunctionally hope to be. But she'll never see him the same again. Which is both good and bad.

 

Nothing short of his cheating would've ever broken that spell. And she really had to find out for herself. And frankly, my father was VERY blatant about it. I knew and I was 3000 km away!

 

Truth be told, I think she went on anti-depressants largely because of how draining he was to her. Then the more depressed she got the more she "needed" him. The more he could manipulate her and blame everything else in the world (even us kids) for their circumstance.

 

He was incredibly possessive. He hired someone to watch my mother while he was having his own affair (god what a boring job. I hope they liked Oprah). He also at times would block me visiting her (even long before he had his affair) saying that I would convince her to divorce him (!) really it was nuts and I never once pressured or asked my Mom to divorce.

 

In hindsight, I sometimes wished I had.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think you used a very good word - "draining". I kind of felt same way even I was just OW, that is one of the reason I was thinking of breaking off with the MM, then somehow MM flipped, developing the confrontation drama that made him seem to be the one calling the shot.

 

Yes I have to admit, before entering the affair my gut has told me the MM was not a good person, he also made another female coworker at workplace that totally brain-washed by him, infatuating with him a lot. Clearly I can see that as a outsider before.

 

I wonder the masterful manipulation skill that the MM has, is really powerful over his wife, and those women.

 

I hate to say this Mount:

(Tough love)

 

The women that believed in my father generally had maturity, boundary or intelligence issues.

 

I doubt yours is the latter.

 

But yes, my father did have this way of kind of "brainwashing" people.

 

But it was like he subconsciously knew his targets and annihilated the rest.

 

A few things he did was (for instance) if he needed a new employee:

1) he would poach one from a local business offering to pay them say, double, what they were making in an "effort to help them out."

2) he would make them "part of the family" "a needed part" there would be lavish dinners, lunches, parties etc. gifts.

3) if they had family he would involve them. Mostly if they had kids he'd give the kids stuff.

4) advocate for them in things. I remember he attended one woman's child custody hearing. Like WTF?

5) often he'd recruit other family members. Husbands, mothers, daughters.

6) slowly he's make more demands and cut back on the gifts/attention since he'd already established himself as "a great guy." All of a sudden a day shift was a night shift or "can you do this personal errand for me."

 

Then when they'd gotten to know what a prick he could be, OR if he found iut someone was planning to quit, he would fire the whole family lot.

 

Sometimes it was randomly people who had worked for YEARS there. All of a sudden. No reference.

[Mount]

Thanks for your information and experience. But I may say your father's case was differerent from MM's here. As in reality there has some people that when they tried to win some people's trust/heart, they would do things like that if they know they need things from those people.

 

Everyone has certain maniuplating skill if speaking honestly, but how far a person can go, that could be different.

 

 

 

I hate to say this Mount:

(Tough love)

 

The women that believed in my father generally had maturity, boundary or intelligence issues.

 

I doubt yours is the latter.

 

But yes, my father did have this way of kind of "brainwashing" people.

 

But it was like he subconsciously knew his targets and annihilated the rest.

 

A few things he did was (for instance) if he needed a new employee:

1) he would poach one from a local business offering to pay them say, double, what they were making in an "effort to help them out."

2) he would make them "part of the family" "a needed part" there would be lavish dinners, lunches, parties etc. gifts.

3) if they had family he would involve them. Mostly if they had kids he'd give the kids stuff.

4) advocate for them in things. I remember he attended one woman's child custody hearing. Like WTF?

5) often he'd recruit other family members. Husbands, mothers, daughters.

6) slowly he's make more demands and cut back on the gifts/attention since he'd already established himself as "a great guy." All of a sudden a day shift was a night shift or "can you do this personal errand for me."

 

Then when they'd gotten to know what a prick he could be, OR if he found iut someone was planning to quit, he would fire the whole family lot.

 

Sometimes it was randomly people who had worked for YEARS there. All of a sudden. No reference.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for your information and experience. But I may say your father's case was differerent from MM's here. As in reality there has some people that when they tried to win some people's trust/heart, they would do things like that if they know they need things from those people.

 

Everyone has certain maniuplating skill if speaking honestly, but how far a person can go, that could be different.

 

I should mention that it wasn't always as extreme as I posted.

 

My father was always a real kiss-ass with some women.

 

Any woman that could look up to him whose validation he wanted OR any women in a position of authority whose validation he wanted. Validation junkie.

 

Very judgmental too.

 

But he would just act so enthusiastic about those women he was talking to and they would think he's "just the nicest guy."

 

I really liked it when people could see through it.

[Mount]

Agree on that. Recalled before I really knew MM at work, a few women kept telling me "I (me) will like him because he is such nice guy". Now you all know the rest of story.

 

Anyway, I feel like the D-day 2 (whatever or why it happened) is somewhat saving me from continuing having the A with MM, as I feel like he is very "dangerous" if you know what I mean.

 

I should mention that it wasn't always as extreme as I posted.

 

My father was always a real kiss-ass with some women.

 

Any woman that could look up to him whose validation he wanted OR any women in a position of authority whose validation he wanted. Validation junkie.

 

Very judgmental too.

 

But he would just act so enthusiastic about those women he was talking to and they would think he's "just the nicest guy."

 

I really liked it when people could see through it.[/QUOTE]

Edited November 10, 2013 by Mount

[Mount]

LOL...very well summerized. I felt exactly same way (Mommy/boy image). Most the time the wife was talking...to me, the MM just stood next to her, like a son under mom's wing.

 

During the conversation I even invited them to sit but they refused, wife finished the talking then left.

 

BUT, what makes the wife to have the role to be this way? I have girlfriends that divorce husbands right away after finding them having affair, for MM's case, being in marriage so long, how come the wife not angry about her husband's behavior?

 

Don't you just love how these wimpy MM's hide behind their big bad strong mommies? I don't call them wifeys, I call them mommies because most of these MM's have deep rooted mommy issues & they carry these issues into their marriages & affairs. I see it time and time again...sh*t hits the fan & they throw their beloved OW under the bus, trickle truth, minimize & gaslight the hell out of their "mommies" & most likely disappear with no last words. Coward is an understatement & pu$$y is too dignified. Co-dependent mommy rescues her baby boy, hysterically bonds with him, then tries pushing him away in anger in the months to come. Baby boy tries so hard with mommy and nothing he does takes her pain away. He starts questioning his decision he made to leave OW so ubruptly. Mommy then discovers they've been in false reconciliation. Mommy is done & does the 180. Baby boy is now ready to fully and completely whip himself into shape for mommy. And they live happily ever trapped.

 

The End

 

(I can't tell you how common these co-dependent mommy & abandoned baby boy stories are. I see them daily, the same story, different people, over and over again)

Edited November 10, 2013 by Mount

[dreamingoftigers]

LOL...very well summerized. I felt exactly same way (Mommy/boy image). Most the time the wife was talking...to me, the MM just stood next to her, like a son under mom's wing.

 

During the conversation I even invited them to sit but they refused, wife finished the talking then left.

 

BUT, what makes the wife to have the role to be this way? I have girlfriends that divorce husbands right away after finding them having affair, for MM's case, being in marriage so long, how come the wife not angry about her husband's behavior?

 

She's not going to show it to you.

And honestly, half that time they believe the dimwitted MM and figure that he "just couldn't help himself" against this "intimidating OW who threw herself at him."

 

Even my mother somewhat believed that for awhile.

If they stop believing it, they lose their "prince."

 

My husband tried to blameshift everywhere but himself. I never once let him off that hook. I saw the bullsh*t for close 30 years with my own parents.

[2sunny]

I just had to register to reply to this. This post and all of the dribble following it in support boggle the mind.

 

The MM is a wimp because he did as his BS likely asked him to do? Hardly. Good on him for supporting his wife and not you. You don't deserve better than this, his WIFE deserved to have her demands met even if they involved you being thrown under the bus.

 

The best that can be hoped for is that he'll show remorse and real accountability while working on reconciliation with his WIFE.

 

In the Infidelity forum it is very common advice for the BS to demand NC in a way that ensures that the affair is truly killed. It sounds to me like his wife was a smart enough woman to squash the relationship between you and her husband beyond repair, good for her.

 

Go find an AVAILABLE man and stop listening to the trash here that suggest that you DESERVE BETTER from being a manipulative and self serving person.

 

I can't see that you have this situation pegged accurately.

 

Are you the betrayed in your M?

 

 

Mount - stay on path knowing you deserve a man - not a boy!

[veryhappy]

Okay, we get it. You have morals. We should be burned.

 

Took a stroll in the realm of Hades out of boredom or desire to feel superior?

[beach]

I never would encourage an affair.

 

You have made assumptions Raye.

 

You may want to read all of Mounts threads...