JennH Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 My bf was previously in a relationship with a friend of his (whom I sort of know as well). The girl had made the first move. He says he didn't have any feelings for her, but because he was majorly flattered, they got involved in a relationship. They soon realized that it wasn't going to work out, but they remained friends. Only thing is, he didn't tell me about it until much later cuz he said he was scared I wouldn't trust him. I told him I had no problems with what relationships he had in the past (before us), but what hurt me was the fact that he lied to me even when I asked him about it. Now, although I know whatever happened in the past is history and I shouldn't have any business wanting to know what exactly happened, I get really frustrated at times. I feel like he hasn't told me everything. He dodges my questions, which makes me even more suspicous. He used to do that before he told me about her...whenever I brought up the topic. So it makes me wonder if he's still doing that. I know they still talk, but he doesn't mention anything. A few times we've had a fight about this because the issue of 'trust' comes up. I'm scared he'd lie to me again, and he gets upset about me not trusting him. Everytime we had a fight about it, and I mentioned that I would wanna know if he's still in touch with her, he'd tell me he talked to her a few days ago. What bothers me is that he's so quiet about his friendship with her. If I ask a question, either he'll just dodge it or answer it vaguely. I, on the other hand, tell him about all my friends, things we talk about...etc. He actually expects me to tell him EVERYTHING. It's not like he has problem expressing himself, or doesn't tell me about other stuff. It bothers me that he just won't mention anything about her, even though I know they still talk. I don't know what to do because we've gotten into numerous fights over this. He tells me how much he loves me and I start feeling guilty for not trusting him, and things get ok for a while. And the cycle continues. I just don't know how to handle this. Please let me know if I'm being too nosy, or if I'm right in feeling scared/threatened. If I'm right, how would you guys suggest I talk to him, without making him feel like I don't trust him? I have no doubt about his feelings for me. I know he's sincere. I believe him when he tells me how much he loves me....but why do i feel threatened by her, or even knowing that they're still communicating? Please help me solve this...or I'll go crazy one of these days. I hate this feeling. Everytime I see this girl, all the hurt feelings (from the time I found out my bf lied to me) return, and I get this immense hatred for the girl in my heart. I know it's not healthy...and I know I'm being jealous. It makes me depressed. The more I try to ignore these feelings, the more it depresses me. It's affecting our relationships because I end up all sad and down and sometimes really b*tchy. Sometimes I want to pick fights on purpose, thinking things will end eventually, so why not get it over with right now. What should I do?
Debster Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 Maybe he doesn't deserve your trust and maybe he does, but either way you don't trust him. This is not a good relationship - so get out of it. STart working on yourself, I think you have some self-esteem issues. Nobody wants to be with someone who is insecure and jealous.
tattoomytoe Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 geez, your post sounds like something i could write! well you have told him how much the lies and deception hurt you, so you can either suck it up, cause it does not look as if he will stop contacting her, and trust him until something really happens....or you can end it now. i sucked it up, and basically am just having a good time with my bf until we break it off for what ever reason....cause i have decided ihe is not the one....at least not yet.
bebop Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 I'd trust your instincts. If the thing is bothering you, there is a reason. If I were feeling this way all the time, and in the same situation, I'd leave and be alone awhile. Why? Either you're right, and his heart is not entirely with you. Or, your insecurities are an issue that will infect every relationship. It's lose-lose. I'd get out of it and get some independent time. Chances are you'll get yourself together and find a relationship in which you don't feel these misgivings.
Thinkalot Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 It is also possible to work on yourself, and any insecurity issues, while staying in the relationship. I don't think you need to be on your own to address problems, even though sometimes that makes it easier. I am working on self esteem insecurity issues myself. I am engaged. Our relationship needs work...it is evolving...a work in progress. Good luck...either way, you need to take some kind of action
JennH Posted December 18, 2004 Posted December 18, 2004 I know I have insecurity issues. I just don't know how to overcome them. Any advice?
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