jennypeaz Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 The backstory: I was dating someone for a year, I dumped him because he was a loser, I started talking to the ex from before him (who I compare everyone to and always loved) and he smashed my hopes and broke my heart for the 30th time. I finally got an iphone and joined plenty of fish just for kicks and to distract me from the disappointment of both prior relationships. The outcome: I went on 4 dates and met someone I had conversational/sexual chemistry with. All was well, for the past two months we have been talking. Talking turned into intimacy which turned into a quazi relationship. Now that I am this guys girlfriend, I am having second thoughts about where it is going. He is a good guy, loves his family, comes from a poor background, always “on the struggle” – supporting his family, his mom etc. He’s on his own now but he never a. got a degree, b. he doesn’t have a car and c. he lost his phone plan when his got dropped and he hasn’t fixed em because he hasn’t been able to get ahead with his dead end job. Hes not a loser, just not a winner, if you know what I mean. I have my bachelors, a business website, a phone, and a car in my name. Given, I have had good parents all my life too -- a fact he brings up whenever I ask him why he is where he is. "I didn't have the support you had growing up." Even though I took my time with this guy, I’m feeling regrets. Part of me feels like I still want to be single, and I feel like it was rushed regardless. I also feel bad that he is trying to pay for lunch but its hurting his bank account. “I wish you met me when my life wasn’t such a disaster” he said. Should I tell him we should leave it here and come back together when hes more established? All I want to say is, “we tried each other on, we fit really well, I don’t want to date other people, but I want you to be comfortable with yourself, come back to me when your only means of communication isn’t facebook chat”. “ If you love them, let them go” – does this apply to this situation? I really like him, I just think the timings off. We're both 24/25 y.o. Thank you.
Philosoraptor Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Well it sounds like you like him but the situation just isn't working for you. You are entitled to leave anyone for whichever reason you want as long as you are honest. Hopefully he gets his life together for himself, and hopefully in time you'll meet someone who is at the same life point as you whom you also connect with.
ponchsox Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 End it and don't wait him for to change because he won't. I'd you like to hang out with him, be his friend. He's not relationship material.
Stealth3 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 What on earth makes you think you have the option to go back to him after he is more established. You have the option to end it and that's all you have. To think you can just leave somebody during their strugles and just come back later when its convenient is idiotic at best. Many girls think like that these days. Let's say he wins the lottery...would he ever take back the girl that left during his struggles or go for someone new? It's like a girl leaving because you stopped hitting the gym and coming back once you get the body of a Greek god back. Too late then, once you go you go. The option of friendship is also unlikely. And dont forget he has the option to say no also.
Zahara Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 "Come back together when he's more established." Please don't say this to him. He's already down, so stop kicking him. It sounds diminishing. And you don't even know how long that is going to take. It's silly. Better you tell him that things aren't working out and that both of you are in different stages in your life and let him go. Short and simple. I feel bad for the dude. It's not that he's a druggie, drunken, moocher trying to live off his parents and you. While life has handed him a lousy set of cards, he's doing the best he can. Best you find the guy that is as established as you are.
Assasda Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 For some reason I think that the reason why you have a problem with him being poor, is because he has a problem with being poor. Tell him not to worry about it. A big thing to look for is Ambition and potential. If he has those, You guys will be fine
pteromom Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 The question isn't what he has or doesn't have - it is what he's DOING about it. If he has nothing and is spending all his time sitting around playing video games, that tells you that he is perfectly OK with his life. Does he have a plan to change things for himself? Does he have goals, and is he working toward them? That's what you need to look at.
mikejensen3355 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 If your priorities are what they sound like...you should honestly let him go for his sake. The guy doesn't sound like a loser. He's supporting his family and his mother. It depends what you want out of life and what kind of person you want to be with. Money is nice and all but at the end of the day it's not going to change how you feel about the person you have experiences with.
sambo77 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I don't mean this offensively....at all...but ever thought that a person's true value might not be linked to their career, car, mortgage status, level of education, and grade profile? I don't blame you for thinking this way. We live in a world where we are "pushed" to judge each other according to money, education, class, cars, phones, looks, cock size, body shape, confidence, beauty, extroversion, fashion sense, and god knows what else. These are the parameters that subconsciously seep their way into our minds and that we project onto others...ignoring their innate value and uniqueness. If we didn't worship this sort of BS, the nature of love would change and we might be able to love a person for something beyond the attributes on the above checklist. Problem is...the modern world does worship such BS values...it's too late for us. OK...so I'm a liberal. Despite the above, you probably gotta let this guy go because he doesn't tick your boxes.
Keenly Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 It sounds like you date for more superficial qualities than personality traits. That's perfectly fine, nothing wrong with it, but just give this guy a chance to find a different girl that won't analyze him that way.
Author jennypeaz Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 (edited) See, you all have good points. The other point I have to make is - how could I be shallow if I have given this person -- someone I saw these positive, honest hustling traits in -- a realistic chance? And mostly because I am trying to let go of these "shallow" aspects of myself? I dated a dude who dumped me because I wasn't skinny enough, I didnt get my masters fast enough... I have been on the other side of the table. It destroyed my confidence and ruined me. By doing this "break" thing, Its not because I'm trying to dump him and hope he comes back. It's because I think "hanging out" is distracting him from doing what he has to do. I meant "break" by cooling it for a bit because I feel like I'm pressuring him to "provide' and be a boyfriend when he really just needs "me" time. This makes me feel like I'm being to him the way my unfair ex was to me. I wished my ex wouldnt have stringed me along and shamed me for not being someone he needed. I'm only trying to do mine a favor. On top of this - Dude said he'd get a phone a month ago. Still hasnt gotten one. Dude talked about getting a haircut 3 weeks ago. Still hadn't gotten one. These show me things. He is IN this place now because he said he was struggling last year. But why hasn't he tailored his resume then? Why hasn't he been taking LIFE BY THE BALLS? These are things I look for in a guy. He is, personality wise, very laid back and i love that. But everything in the past month has been lame excuse after lame excuse. I may have had it easier, but that doesn't mean I haven't thrown myself into every ambition I have tried to accomplish. This is where I wish I could keep my mouth shut but it drives me crazy. I know I sound like a shallow brat, but I can't keep doing this to myself or him. I have needs. I have been feeling him out to see what he says is true or simply what I just want to hear. It's hard being female and wanting to give but also having fear that you'll eventually become the sugar mama. Which I know for a fact he's embarrassed of, but why make him resentful for paying lunch then? I didnt even ask him to do it (I tried to pay) and he did, and then in stead of saying you're welcome, he said "dont ever say I didnt pay for anything". ...I smell resentment already. Edited October 23, 2013 by jennypeaz
sambo77 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 You're not shallow at all. It sounds like you're conflicted. The guy doesn't fit into your template of an ideal guy... yet you like him. That must be tough and I sympathise with that. Ultimately though, based upon experience, I'd say you won't do yourself or him any favours if you try to fit him into it or wait for him to do so naturally. He is what he is...and you either love and accept him for that or you don't. At the minute...sounds like you don't.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 So because he hasn't gotten a haircut he isn't taking life by the balls? That was a weird example. 3
Author jennypeaz Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 is it that weird if you're complaining about needing a better job and going on interviews?
Grumpybutfun Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 OP: It sounds like he is a good guy. Understand that if you let him go, he may not be alone for long. 25/26 is pretty young to be establishing if someone is motivated or not. We live now until we are in our 80's. I have seen many people who have wealth and degrees but who aren't kind and think only of themselves so you have to decide what exactly does a successful person look like, and if you can appreciate him for his strengths. Men who care about their family will care about being a good family man, fyi. Best, Grumps
Simon Phoenix Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 is it that weird if you're complaining about needing a better job and going on interviews? No, just brush your hair more. Or shave before the interview.
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