isabellemarss Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 So I have this close friend whom I've known since birth because our families are really close. We spent a big chunk of our childhood together and we're practically almost like siblings. He's four years older than me. We're not the classic childhood best friends type who are only "exclusive". We hang out mostly with a group (usually his friends, cousins, sometimes my group of guy friends), but we also bond one-on-one. We're great friends - we know each other really well, we're always there for each other, we share secrets. And we grew up together. I'm 18 now, and he's 22. But for the past few months, I've noticed some changes in him. He's more mellow around me, and unusually nicer/more polite. He used to treat me like one of the boys, so this is new. I also catch him staring at me sometimes, and then he'd look away. He has casually told me a few times that I'm pretty or beautiful. Last week I found out that he does have feelings for me. Apparently, he's been in love with me for almost two years now... He DOESN'T know that I know. Honestly, I felt shocked and betrayed. Ever since that day, I've felt awkward around him, and I'm purposely rude to him sometimes. I know, I'm harsh. :-( But I'm frustrated because him loving me ruins everything. I can't look at him the same way. He's like a brother to me, and I can't deal with the idea that he wants more. I feel really terrible that I can't give him the love that he wants and that I'm hurting him. Why am I not attracted to him? I mean, he's attractive, athletic, and he has status. Shouldn't I be happy? I don't know, I'm just not into him, and I really can't picture myself in a relationship with him, it's just disgusting and strange. I don't even understand why he likes me. There are prettier girls out there who would be with him in a heartbeat, and trust me when I say he can get any girl he wants! I don't want our friendship to fall apart, although I see it coming... I don't know what to do, especially because he hasn't even confessed to me personally yet and I'm scared to confront him about it.
Philosoraptor Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Well stop being rude, it won't help as causing more pain isn't the solution. Just one day in conversation let him know how much you value his friendship and say you hope the two of you can continue your friendship later in life even after you both are married with families. He'll get the hint. If he ever brings up the possiblity of the two of you just tell him he's like family and though you think he's a great guy, he's not the right person for you. 1
EobardAllen Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I've gone through a breakup with a best friend of the opposite sex (I'm a male) and it's not something I ever want to go through again in my life. You need to think long and hard about what you want to do. Being rude isn't the solution and if things go sour you can absolutely shatter his ego. If you really want to remain such close friends, you need to accept the fact that he has feelings for you, and that there's nothing wrong with it. He's human and he's allowed to feel how he wants. If you're going to talk with him about it, don't dance around the issue. You can be blunt, but if you care about how he feels, then be extremely considerate, because his confidence is going to get shot. The best thing you can do is try and set him up with someone. I actually firmly believe this is one of the only ways to healthily maintain an exclusively close friendship with the opposite sex. Not many people would go through all of this because there are chemical reasons people get attached to the people they do, even if one party doesn't want to progress the relationship into a romance they don't want to give up their "Safe Haven" because it works for them and has become part of their routine. I like to call this the "Marriage" state, but in all honesty it's a perverted illusion, because the parties involved aren't actually married, but one of them is still getting screwed, and not in the good way. When you're on the receiving end of this (the one who has feelings), no matter what you do, you're going to feel terrible, and it's suffocating. Trust me, as mad or awkward as you feel, he is going to feel 1000 times worse, because like you said, that feeling ruins everything, and he's the one who gave birth to it. Most of us are slaves to our ego, so if you really want him to feel better, then just assure him that everything will be ok, that you don't judge him, and want him to be happy. That's really why people have friends in the first place. 2
Polak Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Eobard Allen, that was an excellent reply. I can't really think of anything else to add to that.
Author isabellemarss Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Philosoraptor, that actually sounds like a great idea. Thanks! EobardAllen, wow, that was a really insightful and helpful reply. I'll try to keep that in mind the next time I feel (quite unreasonably, I admit) angry at him... And I guess I will HAVE to be honest with him sooner or later, I can't stand holding this back, although I'm scared of how he will react when I tell him.
coolheadal Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Your intent should be to square things now before they get out of hand. But you do need to set a time and place where you and him had good times together as friends. And stop being rude to him. Too much negative behavior from you. Come now he's your closest friend why treat him like he did something wrong. Must tell him you know how he feels about you, but you don't feel the same. Have to tell him like you mean it and why. Why you should keep things are they are like it is in THE NOW! I know your said your 18 but you need to convince him why you feel you don't see anything between you other than friendship only. He needs to understand this and why he needs to find someone he can relate too. But you tell him no matter what, your always there for him as a friend only. Make that clear focus. He must understand this.
purplesoccer34 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) I know what this feels like. Last year, I found out that my best friend liked me a lot. Over time, it got to the point of obsession as he ended up following me around everywhere I went, and I had to tell him several times that there was no way we would ever be together. Of course, I was nice at first, but I had to be firm eventually. Don't be rude to him. If you ever tell him that you don't like him, that'll be enough to make him feel hurt and rejected. You can't control who you fall in love with unfortunately---it just sort of happens. And even though you feel like you're hurting him, it's not your fault that you don't like him. I know it's hard since he is your childhood friend, but I would just pretend as though nothing ever happened, and act as though you guys are friends like always. If he tells you that he likes you, just accept it and continue to support him like you always have. After all, he is your friend. My guess is that once you tell him that you don't like him that way, he will stop trying to give you special attention, although some acts may be unconscious. Edited October 30, 2013 by purplesoccer34
Lansing Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I have been on both sides of this situation. There have been girls that I have developed crushes on over time and luckily it has worked out that two of the girls I was interestested in had mutual feelings and we dated. One of them I am still close friends with (she started dating someone new) but I realized that we aren't compatible in terms of a long term relationship. The other lives in a different country and we lost touch over time. However, I have had a couple of girls tell me they had feelings for me. One girl was particularly "bitchy" about it and tried to make me feel jealous/etc but starting to date another guy and basically she became more and more distant even as I tried to maintain the friendship. I have given up on any idea of friendship with her and I do miss "what was" but oh well. If he hasn't said anything to you then HE probably realizes that you don't feel the same way or HE doesn't want to change the dynamics of things despite what he might feel for you. I would stop being rude to him unless you want to even lose his friendship.
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