CarrieT Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Thanks! Were at a stalemate - I'm bad for spying, she's bad for flirting. And neither one is backing down. Best to apologise first, or stick to my principles? Do you want to continue in your marriage? Does she? It is possible to continue with you both acknowledging the mistakes you both made. Of course she is bad for flirting and you are bad for spying. One bad does not cancel out another. You both have to decide if you want to work through the problems to continue with the marriage. She wanted closure from an Ex and now she has it. Consider counseling and if she won't go, read about The 180 and move on with your life without her. 1
Raven3321 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Please remind her that when you're married, there is to be no contact with ex's.....closure or not. Do NOT apologize for spying. Let her know that when it comes to other men in her life, there is no privacy. You were concerned and she took it private. If she still baulks, take her to one of these infidelity threads (not this one of course). Let her see the nuclear fallout from "innocent" beginnings like re-connecting with an ex. Show her you did it because you love her and you'll do anything to keep the love you too share. In fact make it romantic....slide in a foot massage and you never know what might happen. 1
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 I wouldn't go as far to say things should be "over" between you guys. But really, pretty damn close! Get some counseling together or get a lawyer. She's ridiculous! And OF COURSE her cheating ex-bf was trying to cheat WITH her and she knew it. Come on! Does she try to gently pet horny dogs when they jump her leg too? "I'm just petting him, I don't know why he keeps humping me." Because he's a horny-ass-dog! And you're giving him attention instead of telling him to "piss off and go lay down." Would she be okay if you met a naked porn-star on a shoot that want to blow you.....but you are just going to have an "innocent lunch" with her? Come on. It's about as obvious. "Well honey, just because she's a naked porn star that wants to blow me doesn't mean we can't be friends and stop at Dairy Queen for milkshakes. Now you ruined it." Good luck selling that one. She needs to grow up. She's not 14 just discovering what guys are all about. She's married. And you trying to be "cool, tolerant husband" is the exact recipe that gets a lot of guys in trouble because women see it as "he doesn't give a crap about whether I'm happy with him sexually because he's given the green light to step out." Well, hey, you'll have plenty to scrap about now. Maybe it'll bring "that passion" back. By the way. That passion takes a bit of thought and effort after a bit. And underlying that is respect. People generally don't feel passionate about people they they don't respect or have no respect for them. You tell her straight up: you might not like my spying, but I don't like getting blatantly lied to and having my trust and heart broken. You want to talk about my spying. You talk to me about why you think it's okay to sneak and meet a douche ex for "closure" and "friendship" after we've been married four months. She got issues with being married or what? Don't hold back, tell us what you really think. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Don't hold back, tell us what you really think. Just sharing the attitude that's kept my marriage so "fun and frisky" for the last eight years. My "diplomacy skills" may need some softening.
Try Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 (edited) Now for the backlash. Although I've put a bomb in between their relationship, I'm now being blamed for her potential reconciliation with the old ex. She intended to get some closure and wanted to be friends with him (even though we know his motives were different). Now that's ruined, and apparently that's my fault. I am reminding her that its mostly their fault though. Ypou do not flirt with ex's, its a dangerous game. If you read in the infidelity section of this and other sites, you will see that one of the top sources of affair partners are "exs", and that the fake bull reason usually given for seeing them is "closure". What cheaters call closure, is really emotionally reconnecting with their ex to where they were emotionally when they were lovers. This emotional reconnection is the beginning of an emotional affair (EA), and having an EA is cheating. Thus your wife was beginning an EA with her ex and was thus cheating. Studies show that approximately 50% of all EAs turn into physical affairs (PA), with the odds of it going physical being much higher if they were physical in the past. Google "emotional affair" to learn more. What your wife is doing is called blame shifting. Cheaters try to hold their spouse to a standard of perfection that they do not hold themselves too. They do this because as a human they know that you cannot be perfect, and they want you to fail so that they can blame shift. All cheaters try to do this. Do not let her get away with it. She was doing something wrong behind your back and you caught her. Your gut told you that she was cheating and you were right. You cannot catch a cheater without snooping, so her cheating forced you to snoop to confirm the cheating. If she did not cheat, you would not have snooped. You have a right to defend your marraige and you did. Do not apologize for your snooping as you were doing the right thing to protect your marraige. Tell her this and do not back down; in fact get angry when she tries to blame shift. You do not flirt with ex's, its a dangerous game. Many couples have boundaries against having any opposite sex friends (OSF). Those couples that do allow for OSF almost always have a firm boundary against seeing former exs. Because you are young, and were trying to be a nice guy, you made a mistake in not establishing this common martial boundary against exs. Fix this now and establish this boundary. She must go full no contact with this other man (OM). Also, other than when you are in the bathroom, there should be no expectation of privacy in a healthy marraige. You both need to share all passwords and give access without complaint. Only cheaters need privacy from their spouse. My wife and I have never not shared passwords, and you will see that this is very common among married people. Were at a stalemate - I'm bad for spying, she's bad for flirting. And neither one is backing down. Best to apologise first, or stick to my principles? Do not apologize, as she will use this apology as a promise for you to stop snooping, thus allowing her to safely cheat knowing that she will not be caught. You do not normally snoop, but when your gut tells you that she is cheating, you have a right to snoop. Again, if she did not cheat, you would not have snooped. It is all on her. Edited October 26, 2013 by Try
aliveagain Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 If she wasn't prepared to have sex with him she would have told you about their meeting, the fact she kept it secret just screams that sex was on the table and she knew it. She's mad because you took that option away from her, blaming you for her infidelity is not being remorseful. You caught her yet she's not begging for forgiveness, instead she gives you some b*llsh*t storey that she didn't know his real intentions were anything but friendship motivated, what is she 12? You can bet money that most of her visit there would have been done in her hotel room with him. If she can't do it in front of you it's probably cheating. Four months into a marriage you shouldn't be taking separate holidays.
Recommended Posts