My wifes Ex-Boyfriend has his claws in her

[2sunny]

OP:

Boundaries are the things you place so your spouse isn't in positions to get tempted.

People do not need to spend time with, call, text or see their exes unless it is okay for them to be tempted by feelings of long ago and with a person who will charm them.

 

There is a reason she dated him...and the attraction and unresolved feelings are mostly likely still there. Transparency is a must in a healthy marriage, so you checking messages like "I love you naked" isn't being controlling, it is called protecting your wife and your marriage.

 

You can trust her all you want, but if she is pulling away when you hug her, that is a clear signal that she has unresolved feelings for this guy. Obtuseness will sink your marriage, so do not hide your head in the sand.

See you soon in Infidelity,

Grumps

 

I agree.

 

Your wife shows extremely poor boundaries! She is blatantly flirting with him!

 

She's hiding it from you - has she point blank told you she's meeting him when she's away?

 

Look - you can't control her! You can control you... And exposing what you know is imperative!

 

I think it may be useful to tell her SHE has been extremely INAPPROPRIATE for a married woman! She isn't honoring you or the marriage!

 

And IF she intends to go - then it's perfectly clear she intends to cease honoring the M - by being that inappropriate and by her sexual innuendos with him!

 

If she goes - tell her not to come home - because she obviously doesn't know how to ACT LIKE A WOMAN WHO IS MARRIED!!!

 

Don't stand there silently watching her kill your M - say something! And enforce a healthy boundary that lets her know HER behavior is completely UNACCEPTABLE and will not be tolerated by you!

[road]

Thanks for the reply Camelot. Just a quick update on texts (This is completely wrong, but I tapped her phone after the first time, proves it was worth it):

 

They've both told each other that they miss each other. And HE has written a text saying : IF you decide you do miss me then we should do something about it

 

So at least we know what his intentions are. Thoughts?

BTW Im almost sold on confronting him and telling his girlfriend.

 

 

You better expose this affair far and wide. Better to stop it before they hook up.

[road]

And never let your WW know how you are getting the dirt on her. You never have to prove the truth.

 

Also then she will close down that means of communication. Leaving you in the dark.

[PoopHappens]

My experience is the relationship will escalate and your marriage will likely be destroyed or at least made very difficult for a long time. You have some slim chance of changing that.

[crederer]

I've never had a problem with any of my ex girls looking at my phone. I have nothing to hide and if they're feeling insecure they can look all they want if it makes them feel better. The problem is when it goes to excecss (i.e every day, constantly, even without a shred of evidence to suggest otherwise).

 

The reality is your girl was acting shady, you took a peek at her phone and found evidence. Any partner that would turn that on you is a sketchbag.

 

Sorry dude, I really cant see this turning out favorably for you under any conditions, She'll just get better at hiding it.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Because the texts are getting racier, especially from him, stuff like:

"You used to look great naked"

"I was utterly in love with you"

"I wish I could give you a hug right now"

 

and she's saying 'they were good times' 'you're making me blush'

 

The proper response from your wife would be, "I AM A MARRIED WOMAN AND YOUR COMMENTS ARE COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE. I'M IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND. DO NOT CALL ME AGAIN."

 

What do you think your mom would say if one of her old boyfriends told her those things?

 

What do you think your dad would do if he knew about it?

 

You have some very strange ideas about marriage.

 

Do you really think it's good to keep quiet about this and let your wife meet up with this guy? (Oh yeah, you trust her COMPLETELY, which must be why you have her phone tapped).

 

The truth is, you were snooping on your wife. The further truth is, this should be NO BIG DEAL. Why would she care? (Oh yeah, old bf is telling her how great she looks naked, and it's making her blush).

 

I'm not sure I should post this, maybe I should just hit delete - you seem like you come from another planet than me.

 

But what you should do is confront your wife and tell her that there is no room in your marriage for an ex-boyfriend who thinks she looks great naked and wants to do something about it. What are you afraid of? The truth? If you confront her, either she is going to agree or disagree, she is either going to go with him, or not.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed your wife would not accept this so why are you? Good grief you just got married and she is telling her ex that she misses him also? Are you kidding me? What is wrong with you? This is your honeymoon period and she is showing total disrespect for you and your marriage.

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

[Mamma]

Tommymagic

 

This is how affairs start.

 

Take the good advice given here.Speak to her.Put your pride away and be vulnerable.Tell her you love her and you would really appreciate it if she doesnt meet up with this guy.Speak out about it before she leaves.Not in anger,but from a place of love.Appeal to her sense of good judgement and loyalty to you,her husband.

 

Couples shouldnt have "secret" chats with opposite sex friends anyway,its just looking for trouble.Transparency is sometimes the only thing that keeps temptation at bay.

[klotzak]

I think this thread is made up. A flurry of activity to raise interest, a particularly weak sounding story, then the author goes silent again as people debate things.

I wouldn't bother answering this story now, as the troll has obviously moved on.

[bubbaganoosh]

Tommy

 

Are you reading all these replies? What are they telling you? If you think that these people are doing this just to cause trouble in your marriage, your wrong. Most if not all of them have had similar experiences and are doing what they need to do so you don't make the same mistake.

 

First. The old boyfriend should not be texting her. Making it worse the context of the messages are inappropriate. Your wife knows this. If another woman was doing this to you and your wife found out, you think she would sit back and let it happen?

 

You need to let her know about the text messages and the up coming meeting and letting her know that it ain't gonna happen! If she gets pissed, then let her but then you let her know that there should have been closure a long time ago and this either stops right now. She's a married woman and she has no business texting her old boyfriend. If she can't understand that then tell her if she goes, don't come back. This has all the ingredients for disaster. Nip it in the bud now and ask her if the shoe was on the other foot how she would feel about it. If she says she would be alright with it including the suggestive texts then she's lying through her teeth. Do not let this happen.

[petee]

This story does seem to be a fairy tale, why are people still answering it? Do they want it to be true?

Focus on our real friends that need help, not just someone who attention seeks and then goes quiet.

[TommyMagic]

Hey people. I'm amazed at the response here, is it cos its an interesting dilemma or you generally care? Haha. So here's an update.

 

Yesterday when I came home, I sat her down and said 'look, I just got an email from HIS girlfriend detailing all your text conversations' and read them out to her one at a time. Why blame it on the girlfriend? I dunno, I was trying to pull a Heisenberg (breaking bad reference) and cluster**** everyone all at once.

Anyway, she went fully red and was amazed she was found out. She honestly thought she wanted to just be friends and get some closure on him, that she had it under control etc. Etc. But I explained his intentions were wrong and told her she should have cut it out immediately if she gave a **** about our marriage.

I guess we were in a rutt already, so him coming along was really bad timing. bUT I guess its taken this for us to address our plan issues, that's what most affairs boil down to right?

She says she would not have done anything that Sunday but I don't think anyone knows when you're faced with those emotions.

So what happened with the ex? Well I emailed his girlfriend with the juicier parts of the texts. Sounds like they're in a bad place right now. And I sent him a message simply saying 'don't **** with a mans wife, dude'

So where are we right now? I moved out for a bit - well one night - and left her sobbing in the bedroom. Right now we've laid everything out on the table, confronting our issues. That passion she had with him - we just don't have now cos we've been together 8 years. Where do you go from there? What's the solution?

Things are fragile, and it will take some time but all in all its the best result - he's gone, she's sorry and that meeting is now doomed.

[road]

Never move out on a WW. Leaves her to be free for her or the OM to break NC and you will not know contact happened.

[Raven3321]

Hey people. I'm amazed at the response here, is it cos its an interesting dilemma or you generally care? Haha. So here's an update.

 

Yesterday when I came home, I sat her down and said 'look, I just got an email from HIS girlfriend detailing all your text conversations' and read them out to her one at a time. Why blame it on the girlfriend? I dunno, I was trying to pull a Heisenberg (breaking bad reference) and cluster**** everyone all at once.

Anyway, she went fully red and was amazed she was found out. She honestly thought she wanted to just be friends and get some closure on him, that she had it under control etc. Etc. But I explained his intentions were wrong and told her she should have cut it out immediately if she gave a **** about our marriage.

I guess we were in a rutt already, so him coming along was really bad timing. bUT I guess its taken this for us to address our plan issues, that's what most affairs boil down to right?

She says she would not have done anything that Sunday but I don't think anyone knows when you're faced with those emotions.

So what happened with the ex? Well I emailed his girlfriend with the juicier parts of the texts. Sounds like they're in a bad place right now. And I sent him a message simply saying 'don't **** with a mans wife, dude'

So where are we right now? I moved out for a bit - well one night - and left her sobbing in the bedroom. Right now we've laid everything out on the table, confronting our issues. That passion she had with him - we just don't have now cos we've been together 8 years. Where do you go from there? What's the solution?

Things are fragile, and it will take some time but all in all its the best result - he's gone, she's sorry and that meeting is now doomed.

Impressive sir!! I'm liking it. Anything that prevents the results many of us have been destroyed by, I'm all for. You just saved yourself (and her) a lifetime of pain. Again, proud of you and bravo.

[TommyMagic]

Thanks!

Now for the backlash. Although I've put a bomb in between their relationship, I'm now being blamed for her potential reconciliation with the old ex. She intended to get some closure and wanted to be friends with him (even though we know his motives were different). Now that's ruined, and apparently that's my fault. I am reminding her that its mostly their fault though. Ypou do not flirt with ex's, its a dangerous game.

Were at a stalemate - I'm bad for spying, she's bad for flirting. And neither one is backing down. Best to apologise first, or stick to my principles?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Were at a stalemate - I'm bad for spying, she's bad for flirting. And neither one is backing down. Best to apologise first, or stick to my principles?

 

I don't understand. Can't you both agree, "I'm bad for spying, you're bad for flirting," and leave it at that? As long as she knows that you won't tolerate her having inappropriate relationships, and that you will do whatever you need to in order to stop it.

 

You left out "lying and deceiving." She's bad for "lying and deceiving." That's really the big issue here, not just "flirting." She was planning a meet-up with an ex who told her she looked great naked and wanted her to do something with him about it, and was deceiving you about it by omitting it completely from everything she told you.

 

As far as "spying," my wife and I both have each other's passwords, sometimes I have to look at her email for something with the kids with school, or her texts, and same with her looking at mine, and it's just easier that way, and what do we have that's so secret on there anyway?

[Yesterday]

Thanks!

Now for the backlash. Although I've put a bomb in between their relationship, I'm now being blamed for her potential reconciliation with the old ex. She intended to get some closure and wanted to be friends with him (even though we know his motives were different). Now that's ruined, and apparently that's my fault. I am reminding her that its mostly their fault though. Ypou do not flirt with ex's, its a dangerous game.

Were at a stalemate - I'm bad for spying, she's bad for flirting. And neither one is backing down. Best to apologise first, or stick to my principles?

 

Tommy, you are not at fault for the spying and your wife is entirely at fault for this situation. I don't understand how you accept her actions as flirting. She was making plans to meet with another man behind your back, and based upon the texts that you did find, she knew what the outcome was to be.

You are only 4 months into your marriage and she is already seeking out an old mate, one who cheated on her and was perfectly willing to cheat on his current relationship.

 

You took the correct course to confront her, now stand your ground and tell her she follows the vows of your marriage. Your spying may have saved you both from a large amount of hurt. Had this really been an innocent closure for her, she would have told you of him, and of her texts. She would have responded to his texts with setting appropriate guidelines rather than the supposed 'blush' of innocence. She completely understood what his comment meant about doing something about it.

 

Good luck and stay the course, in the end she will appreciate your strength and effort in preserving your marriage. You also need to work on what was hurting in your marriage that she thought it was alright to seek another mans attention. Professional advise may be needed to help both of you.

[veggirl]

lol now she is trying to blame YOU?! She has some nerve.

 

They've been broken up at LEAST 8 years and she doesn't have closure?! PUH-LEASE. Pathetic! If that is true, you should tell her to get bent cause who the eff wants to waste 8 yrs on someone that isn't over their ex? Gimme a break. She's full of it. wah wah can't be friends with my ex, it's all your fault you meanie! Obviously he and she are NOT capable of a platonic friendship (see: texts, secret meeting) so wtf is she talking about "friends"? Tell her to take her pick, you or him. If she really wants to be FRIENDS with him, he should be a friend of your relationship and you should be included in that. You NEVER will be. Cause she's full of sh*t about wanting to be "friends".

 

Has she gone NC with him?

[Chi townD]

Thanks!

Now for the backlash. Although I've put a bomb in between their relationship, I'm now being blamed for her potential reconciliation with the old ex. She intended to get some closure and wanted to be friends with him (even though we know his motives were different). Now that's ruined, and apparently that's my fault. I am reminding her that its mostly their fault though. Ypou do not flirt with ex's, its a dangerous game.

Were at a stalemate - I'm bad for spying, she's bad for flirting. And neither one is backing down. Best to apologise first, or stick to my principles?

 

 

Well, that tells you that right there. She was in a full blow emotional affair with this guy. I can safely say that if she met up with this dude on Sunday, she would have allowed it to go physical. And now you screwed it up!

 

Do not back down! You read the texts, that was totally wrong on her part, so you don't have to apologize for that.

[Bryanp]

Married 4 months and she was making plans to hook up with her ex. You picked the wrong woman.

 

See a lawyer about an annulment. She was willing to risk her marriage during her honeymoon period. What is wrong with this picture?

[Clay]

"See a lawyer about an annulment. She was willing to risk her marriage during her honeymoon period. What is wrong with this picture?"

 

I agree with Bryan. This really is not about saving your relationship at this point its about you saving yourself from further heartache and wasted time.

 

Her saying she wants to have closure with the ex. Don't get me wrong but didn't that happen when they separated. Why get married to you if she still has feelings for this other guy. Its clear she did and she didn't act on them until he let her know he still has feelings for her as well. You would think since she is clearly inlove with you that she would never do anything to hurt your feelings. At least that is the way it is suppose to be when you get married.

 

I hope you are able to come to some kind of resolve.

 

Clay

[underwater2010]

Thanks!

Now for the backlash. Although I've put a bomb in between their relationship, I'm now being blamed for her potential reconciliation with the old ex. She intended to get some closure and wanted to be friends with him (even though we know his motives were different). Now that's ruined, and apparently that's my fault. I am reminding her that its mostly their fault though. Ypou do not flirt with ex's, its a dangerous game.

Were at a stalemate - I'm bad for spying, she's bad for flirting. And neither one is backing down. Best to apologise first, or stick to my principles?

Great job. I especially like that you exposed him to his girlfriend too.

 

The stalemate right that is going on is because she KNOWS she was in the wrong.

 

Now the hard question for you....can you move past it? She did not meet up with him and although they were flirting (EA) can you let it go in the future and not smack her over the head with it each time you argue?

 

As for her...she has to realize that in marriage, the only privacy is what you do in the bathroom. And I am not saying to take your cell phone in there for privacy. I am talking bodily functions. In order for a marriage to work BOTH partners must be open and honest. This means that you both have the right to view cell phones, emails, social media etc. With a moments notice and without hesitation.

[Chi townD]

Thanks!

Now for the backlash. Although I've put a bomb in between their relationship, I'm now being blamed for her potential reconciliation with the old ex. She intended to get some closure and wanted to be friends with him (even though we know his motives were different). Now that's ruined, and apparently that's my fault. I am reminding her that its mostly their fault though. Ypou do not flirt with ex's, its a dangerous game.

Were at a stalemate - I'm bad for spying, she's bad for flirting. And neither one is backing down. Best to apologise first, or stick to my principles?

 

 

Wait a minute....I thought you told her that his girlfriend sent you the texts. How would she know that you were spying? As far as she should be aware, you were just informed. Something isn't adding up here.

[dreamingoftigers]

I wouldn't go as far to say things should be "over" between you guys.

 

But really, pretty damn close!

Get some counseling together or get a lawyer. She's ridiculous! And OF COURSE her cheating ex-bf was trying to cheat WITH her and she knew it.

 

Come on! Does she try to gently pet horny dogs when they jump her leg too? "I'm just petting him, I don't know why he keeps humping me." Because he's a horny-ass-dog! And you're giving him attention instead of telling him to "piss off and go lay down."

 

Would she be okay if you met a naked porn-star on a shoot that want to blow you.....but you are just going to have an "innocent lunch" with her? Come on. It's about as obvious. "Well honey, just because she's a naked porn star that wants to blow me doesn't mean we can't be friends and stop at Dairy Queen for milkshakes. Now you ruined it." Good luck selling that one.

 

She needs to grow up. She's not 14 just discovering what guys are all about. She's married. And you trying to be "cool, tolerant husband" is the exact recipe that gets a lot of guys in trouble because women see it as "he doesn't give a crap about whether I'm happy with him sexually because he's given the green light to step out."

 

Well, hey, you'll have plenty to scrap about now. Maybe it'll bring "that passion" back.

 

By the way. That passion takes a bit of thought and effort after a bit. And underlying that is respect. People generally don't feel passionate about people they they don't respect or have no respect for them.

 

You tell her straight up: you might not like my spying, but I don't like getting blatantly lied to and having my trust and heart broken. You want to talk about my spying. You talk to me about why you think it's okay to sneak and meet a douche ex for "closure" and "friendship" after we've been married four months.

 

She got issues with being married or what?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Well, that tells you that right there. She was in a full blow emotional affair with this guy. I can safely say that if she met up with this dude on Sunday, she would have allowed it to go physical. And now you screwed it up!

 

Do not back down! You read the texts, that was totally wrong on her part, so you don't have to apologize for that.

 

This scenario is a textbook case of an emotional affair turning physical.

 

Text messages that contain "look good naked" is absolutely inappropriate. Your wife realizes this, doesn't she? If not, then she has to work on boundaries.